Will My Arms Be Strong Enough 26/45
Title: Will My Arms Be Strong Enough? 26/45
Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys...and others!
Characters: Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Rhys, John Hart, two OC's, Andrea (Andie) Carlowe and Nick Jones.
Spoilers: Set after Exit Wounds.
Summary: Nick reveals his story to Ianto.
Chapter 26
Nick paused and chewed his fingernails. “Ianto,” he said slowly, “I need to know that what I’m about to tell you stays between the two of us. I’m not ready for everyone else to know yet.”
Ianto squeezed his hand tight. “Of course,” he assured him. “You don’t even have to ask.”
With a deep sigh and a returning squeeze, Nick began to talk. “I was a new intern at the Royal Gwent, you know, back in Newport. I was in a team led by a very well-respected consultant; he’d worked there for a very long time. Crap bedside manner, but boy, he knew his stuff.” He smiled a bit, even though his eyes were still shimmering with tears.
Ianto managed a small chuckle, recognising the tension breaker.
“Anyway, one of the patients he was treating had a terminal illness. I knew straight away; God, Ianto, it hurt seeing him like that. He was only about our age, but he’d been in and out of hospital for I don’t know how long, but I could tell that he was in serious pain and he didn’t have much time. When I gave him his morphine dosage, I used to sit and talk with him, you know, just to try and take his mind off things. We became really good friends.”
Nick paused, trying to pull himself together. “One day…I was just sitting and reading to him when he stopped me and told me that…that he knew he wasn’t going to recover and that he didn’t have a lot of time. He asked me too…” but his voice trailed off as he looked at Ianto. “God, he was only our age…and he was ready…ready too…”
Ianto’s eyes widened. “Oh, Nick,” he whispered, “you didn’t…”
“Of course I didn’t. I knew I couldn’t. But I really did want to…I hated seeing him in so much pain and I knew he was right; he wasn’t going to live much longer. I felt terrible; he was in so much agony and I couldn’t even give him the one thing he wanted…the one thing he deserved more than anything.” He pulled off his glasses and rubbed angrily at his eyes. “Anyway, one night, I went to give him his medication and talk to him for a bit, as usual. Just as I was about to leave, he took my hand and said…” but he couldn’t get the words out.
Ianto had a funny feeling he knew where this was going. “Something like…goodbye?” he ventured, lightly stroking Nick’s fingers.
Nick nodded. “Yeah…that was the last thing he said to me. In the morning…”
As the realisation hit him with a jolt, Ianto reached over and wrapped his cousin in a hug, rubbing his shoulders. “Nick, you know that wasn’t your fault,” he whispered. He held him close and rocked him gently, so engrossed in trying to comfort him that he almost missed the next words.
“I didn’t realise that what I did was what killed him…”
Ianto almost fell off the sofa, pulling back sharply. “What?!” he exclaimed. “Nick, how -”
Nick’s eyes widened as he realised what Ianto was asking. “God, Ianto!” he gasped. “I didn’t mean…I didn’t know…I only found out later…after the post-mortem…”
“Found out what?” pressed Ianto.
“That,” Nick’s voice cracked, “one of the consultants - might even have been the man leading my team; I never found out - had given him an extra dose of morphine in the middle of the day…and hadn’t recorded it or told me…”
Ianto swore under his breath. “Oh, Nick, that wasn’t -”
Nick interrupted him, his voice cracking. “It didn’t matter, anyway. Even after the truth came out, everyone still blamed me, even though they never said. I mean, think about it; it’s easier to blame the new intern than to blame the guy who’s worked there for twenty-seven fucking years!” The last words were said with an almost hysterical laugh before he collapsed against Ianto’s chest and burst into tears.
Ianto let his mind catch up with him for a few minutes before the words sunk in properly and he reached over and wrapped Nick in a hug, stroking his hair gently.
“It’s okay,” he whispered as he rubbed his back. “Just…” but his voice trailed off as he thought of something. “Was that how you ended up here?”
Nick nodded against his shirt. “Yeah; I couldn’t take it there any more. Even though everyone knew the story, they still blamed me. I could have gone to work at one of the other Newport hospitals, but I knew I needed to get a change of scene, so I transferred to St. David’s.” He choked back a sob. “Your dad was the only one who knew the truth about why.”
“Oh, Nick…”
“You won’t tell anyone, will you, Ianto?”
“I won’t.” Ianto’s voice broke a little; he hated seeing his best friend so distressed. “I promise.”
~*~
Rhys watched as his wife played with her spaghetti, twirling it around her fork and then letting it fall back onto her plate. Her eyes seemed to be focused on a point light years away and her face was almost completely unreadable. She had been that way since she’d walked in the door and, while he had learned not to ask too many questions, he couldn’t bear the silence any longer.
“Gwen?” he said softly.
She looked up at him, seeming to only just register him. “Oh, sorry,” she said quietly, her voice as far away as her gaze. “I guess I’m just not very hungry.”
Rhys raised an eyebrow slightly. “What happened?”
Gwen sighed. “Just had a rough day,” she muttered, pushing her plate away from her and walking towards the window. “There was an incident today…a man was attacked by a Weevil. He nearly had his throat ripped out.”
Rhys winced. “Was he all right?”
Gwen shook her head. “He…” but the next thing she knew she was sobbing into Rhys’ shoulder.
“Shh,” he whispered, stroking her hair and kissing her forehead. He led her to the sofa and held her for a few minutes, giving her time to calm down, before he spoke. “He died, didn’t he?”
Gwen nodded. “Nick did everything he could for him, but he had to put him out of his misery in the end. He said he would have bled out.” She sighed. “I know that’s true, Rhys, but somehow…I can’t make myself believe it. I lashed out at him…said some really terrible things.”
“Why?”
“Because…every time I see him, I keep thinking of Owen. Nick’s integrated into the team really quickly and I just feel as if we’re doing some sort of injustice to Owen’s memory by letting him. I don’t know why; I don’t get that feeling with Andie, or even with John.”
Rhys looked thoughtful. “You still miss Owen a lot, don’t you?”
“I do. I don’t know why, but I do I know it’s not fair; I mean, Nick is a good doctor and a nice guy. But I just can’t warm to him, because I can’t stop thinking about Owen.”
“Well, you know what people say; we appreciate people the most when they’re gone.” He paused to stroke his wife’s hair. “Gwen, I know that Owen meant a lot to you - to all of you. But, as crass as this is going to sound, life moves on. There was no way you would survive without a doctor. Andie’s a nice girl, but you said yourself, she couldn’t handle it all.”
“I know.”
Rhys smiled gently. “And do you know what I think Owen would say if he saw you now? He’d say,” he mock-scowled and faked a strong Cockney accent. “You mean I was so good it took two people to replace me?”
Gwen laughed. It was true; Owen wouldn’t want them to grieve for too long. She would always miss him and Tosh, but Rhys was right. Life would go on.
Rhys became serious again. “And, though I can’t believe I’m going to say this, what would Jack do? He’s going to see everyone he loves die, not just Owen and Tosh, but you…that John Hart character, Andie, Nick and -”
“Ianto,” breathed Gwen, feeling a cold hand clench at her heart. She’d been so wrapped up in her own thoughts that it hadn’t even occurred to her to consider what Jack went through every time something like this happened.
“He’ll always miss them,” she whispered, almost to herself. “But he won’t mourn them for ever; it’d drive him insane.” She turned round and kissed her husband gently. “Thanks, Rhys.”
~*~
“Jack!” called Andie as she came in carrying a body bag. “I’ve finished the autopsy on the Weevil. Apparently, it was a pregnant female.”
“Oh,” replied Jack quietly. “Thanks, Andie.”
She looked at him curiously. “Where’s everyone else?”
“John’s in the armoury tidying up the guns and I sent the others home.” Jack sighed. “Andie, the man that Weevil attacked…he didn’t make it. He was bleeding out as it was and…”
But Andie understood. “Poor Nick,” she whispered. “That’s one of the hardest decisions a doctor has to face. Is he all right?”
Jack shook his head. “He was really wrecked by what he had to do, and then Gwen lashed out at him as well. I’ll have to have a word with her tomorrow.” He looked at his watch. “John’s been down there for hours. He went down when Ianto and Nick left and hasn’t come up since.”
“Maybe he’s brooding,” suggested Andie and, without waiting for her leader to answer, she made her way down to the shooting range, her small heels clicking on the stairs.
Sure enough, John was standing in the middle of the room, staring at the rows of heavily polished guns. He turned around when Andie approached him and smiled weakly.
“You shouldn’t be here.”
“Neither should you,” she replied. “Jack sent the others home hours ago. I’m only here because I’m on Rift duty with him.” She rested a hand on his arm. “Why are you hiding down here?”
“I wasn’t,” answered John, stepping away from her. “I was actually polishing the guns.”
“Is that what you’re calling it now?” Andie raised an eyebrow, attempting to break the tension. “Come on, John; you can’t lurk down here forever. Jack’s worried about you - and so am I.”
“Okay, okay,” snapped John, turning towards the door. “I’ll go up and show my face, if only to prove that I haven’t choked on polish fumes.”
Jack looked up as they came back up again. “Why don’t you go home, John - get some sleep. It’s been a tough day and we need you alert to do your job.”
“Okay.”
Jack came down and studied him intently, seeing right through him. “It’s going to be all right,” he said. “I’ll sort this out. You just get some rest.”
“All right, I’m going!”
Andie raised an eyebrow as the cog door rolled shut. “That went well.”
Jack stared at her. “What else could I do? John can be even more of a closed book than I am at times! Pushing him wouldn’t have achieved anything.” He rubbed his eyes. “I know he doesn’t always seem like that, but…he is. And if anyone would know that, I would.”
~*~
Ianto eased himself off the sofa and answered the door to find John standing on the doorstep, looking unusually apprehensive. Hiding his surprise he stepped out of the way to allow the former Time Agent inside, sighing a bit when John’s face took on an intensely tender expression.
“He cried himself to sleep in the end,” murmured Ianto, trying to hide his amazement at the other man’s reaction. “But…he did the right thing.”
John nodded and sat down on the sofa, absently running one hand through Nick’s hair. “I know he did,” he whispered. “I just don’t know how we can make him believe it.”
Ianto shrugged and perched himself on the arm of the sofa. “I don’t think we can,” he admitted. “We can be there for him, but he’s got to believe he did the right thing.” He sighed softly. “I think, deep down, he does believe it, but he just can’t admit it…well, can’t or won’t, I’m not sure.” He gave a small chuckle. “You’d never have caught me going into medicine, believe me.”
“Me neither,” agreed John. “This is crazy.”
“I know, but what can we do? Nick’s worse than me when it comes to stubbornness. When he gets an idea into his head, there’s practically nothing that can shift it.”
“So, we just wait for him to come round?”
“Have you got a better idea? We can’t force him to open up; believe me, the more we push, the more stubborn he gets.”
“Has he always been that stubborn?”
“Yes I have, as a matter of fact,” replied a hoarse voice.
Ianto jumped. “I thought you were asleep,” he whispered.
Nick shrugged, brushing a hand over his face. “Yeah, well, you know me.”
John leaned over and touched his cheek. “Nick, you did the right thing today - and everyone knows that. And, if you’re honest with yourself, you know it too.”
“Owen would have done exactly the same thing,” added Ianto. Then, his mobile rang and he went into the other room to answer it. “Hey, Jack…”
“Hey.” Jack’s soft voice floated down the phone. “Are you at home?”
“Yeah; I told Nick that he could crash on the sofa. I don’t want him to be alone right now.”
“That’s fine. How is he?”
“Wrecked,” said Ianto bluntly. “He cried himself to sleep. John’s sitting with him now.”
“John’s with you?”
“Yeah, and I’m glad he is. Nick needs all the friends he can get.”
Jack sighed. “Why is he taking this so hard? He must know that he did the right thing.”
“Well, how would you be taking it?” snapped Ianto. “Jack, this is one of the hardest decisions a doctor will ever have to make! It’s something I wouldn’t wish on anyone!”
That got Jack’s attention. ”Has something -”
“All I can say is that we talked. What he told me was in strict confidence. Don’t ask me to go behind his back. And don’t push him to talk. He’ll tell you when he’s ready.”
There was a long pause. “All right,” answered Jack. “You’re right. I won’t push him.”
“Thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”
“Yeah, okay.”
~*~
The next day…
When she entered the Hub the next morning, the first thing Gwen did was make her way down to the autopsy bay. She took a deep breath and steeled herself. “Nick -”
But the doctor held up a hand to stop her. “Gwen, it’s okay,” he said softly. “I know you still miss Owen and you always will. The only way I’ll be taking his place is professionally. I know I can’t replace him and I’m not going to try to.”
“Thank you,” Gwen whispered, tears sparkling in her eyes. “I’m sorry I lashed out at you yesterday; you did everything you could for that man. And Ianto was right; Owen would have done the same thing.” She smiled. “You’re a good man, Nick Jones.” And then she was gone.
Jack watched his second-in-command return to her desk and chuckled gently at the relieved look on her face. It seemed like he might not need to have that talk with her after all.
His soft laugh turned into a sigh and a relaxed smile spread over his face as he felt a familiar pair of hands soothing the knots in his shoulders. “You’re too good to me, d’you know that?”
Ianto laughed softly against the base of his neck. “You deserve it,” he whispered. “With everything that you do for us, we should give something back to you.”
“You do enough for me as it is.”
“And you do more than enough for me.” Ianto came round and touched Jack’s hand. “Jack, I’m sorry if I was a bit harsh with you last night. I was just…”
“Worried?” Jack smiled. “I know. I’d have done the same if it was me.”
Ianto sighed. “Nick did tell me something, Jack. But he asked me not to tell anyone. He’s not ready for us all to know about it. The only other person who knew was my dad.”
~*~
“Are you okay?” asked John, trying not to sound too concerned.
Nick paused and looked at him. “Just give me time,” he said quietly. “Give me time and I will be.” He smiled rather dryly. “Time…time heals all wounds, they say. But they also say you can have too much of a good thing…too much time.” His eyes flickered towards Jack’s office as he spoke.
“When did you get to be so wise?”
“Around the time I moved to Cardiff,” answered Nick dryly, but he didn’t elaborate any further, and that flash of pain appeared in his eyes once again, though just for a moment.
John came over and stood beside him, resting one hand on top of Nick’s and stroking it gently. He took a deep breath. “Nick,” he began slowly, knowing that now was as good a time as any to tell the young man what was on his mind.
“Yes, John?”
“I -” but he was cut off by a very strange sound that echoed round the walls of the Hub. “What the hell is that?!” he almost shrieked.
Nick grimaced. “Someone switched my ringtone and I can’t change it back,” he growled. “Oh, it’s my sister; hang on, I’d better answer this.” He sprinted up into the hothouse.
John watched him go and sighed. He’d been trying to talk to him since the trip to Fishguard, to tell him something that had been on his mind since their night in the tent, and even more so since New Year’s Eve. But every time he got close enough, something always interrupted them and he was starting to think that he would never be able to tell him.
Jack appeared a few moments later. “So apparently, our own doctor would still pay to have the Crazy Frog ringtone on his phone.” He shook his head.
“He didn’t,” said John. “I would bet my life Ianto put it on his phone and fixed it so he couldn’t change it. He’s the only one who knows Nick well enough to cover his tracks.”
“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” said Ianto, who was coming down from Jack’s office. “Where is he?”
“His sister called,” answered John, forcing himself to hide the bitterness in his voice.
Ianto smiled sympathetically at him. “Still can’t tell him?” he whispered
“I was so close just then! I thought -” but before he could finish the sentence, Nick came downstairs again, running one hand through his hair and looking thoughtful.
Ianto turned to look at him. “Are you okay?”
“That was Catrin.” Nick’s voice was oddly quiet. “She just wanted to tell me that…Alison’s memorial is going to be on Friday.”
Ianto shuddered. He and Nick were the only two members of the family who knew that Alison was actually alive; just housed on Flat Holm. He hated that he had to lie to them, but he also knew that there was no other alternative.
“Nick, you know I’ll go with you,” he said gently.
“Thanks.” Nick squeezed his cousin’s hand and looked up at John.
The former Time Agent’s eyes widened. “You want me to go with you too?”
“Yes, I do. If it’s too strange, I understand, but…it would really mean a lot to me.” Nick took a deep breath. “What do you say? Will you come?”
John looked at him for a second and then made his decision.
***
Next Time: Alison’s memorial takes place - but what did John decide? And what else will happen at the service?