i miss you

[anduial]

I missed Michael a lot just now. I feel weird to say I miss him when I didn't know him, but most of you here know what I mean when I say that.

I immediately turned the lights on and put on the party playlist on spotify. I don't want to be sad.

Whenever I get this feeling now I transfer it into something else. I'm embarrassed to be the lazy person that I am. I have talents, but I'm too lazy to use them when things don't go my way or as easily as I want them to. That's ridiculous. Sometimes I think about how hard Michael and his brothers worked. They got nothing for free, they had to work for every bit of the success they got. I can't sit here and wait for things to come to me.

I've fought, don't get me wrong, but I've fought to be normal, to function. I haven't fought to be great.

So when I get this feeling of loss it's transfered into shame. It makes me want to do my assignments, it makes me want to study harder. It makes me want to be better.

It makes me want to be great.

If these stabs of pain and the feeling of loss can make me strive to be great, I'm prepared to miss him for the rest of my life.