Part One: Pokémon
Hello, and welcome to the first chapter of andtimetravel, rionaleonhart and moogle62's ridiculous fic about Derren Brown being the Doctor's companion. We'd say we're sorry, but, frankly, we're not.
Title: Part One: In Which Derren Discovers That Doctor Who and Pokémon Are Not Quite As Fictional As He May Have Imagined.
Fandoms: Derren Brown/Doctor Who/Pokémon
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 6,500ish
Summary: Derren was expecting surprise, but he'd rather thought it would be more on David's part.
It is the seventeenth of January, 2008, and Derren is waiting for David Tennant to show up. Two days ago, he had David attempt automatic writing, trying to predict newspaper articles that would appear in the future. Today is the day they find out whether it has worked.
Derren is looking forward to seeing David's reaction to his mental 'time travelling', assuming that all has gone according to plan.
All does not go entirely according to plan.
Derren has tried automatic writing with a handful of people before. This exact trick - 'going into the future' - he has only tested a couple of times, and both times it has been successful enough to be impressive but without being the screaming kind of brilliance that sends him into such a state of self-absorbed rapture that he gets the piss ripped out of him for days to follow by the people sitting with him in the catering truck. He is not expecting anything vastly different to happen when he does the trick with David Tennant. At most, he is hoping for a nice smug sense of his own cleverness: sending the Doctor into the future was one of his better ideas, even if he does say so himself. Which is how Derren finds himself leaning over David's shoulder as he smoothes out the piece of paper with his writing on, and trying to suppress a sense of hope that maybe, this time, something completely out of the ordinary will occur.
Derren is so busy trying to suppress this hope that it takes him a good ten seconds to realise that he is, in fact, looking at something impossible. He was expecting scattered words, phrases: things that could perhaps be strung together, with a little imagination, to make a story.
What he has in front of him is the front-page article. Almost word for word.
"Did you switch the envelope?" he asks, frowning.
David smiles. "I've done well, then?"
"You've done far too well," Derren informs him. "Do you still have the actual writing you did?"
"This is the writing I did," David says, innocently. "You don't believe me?"
There is a brief pause. Derren's eyes flick over the writing again.
"All right," he says, taking a step back and bringing a hand up to massage his forehead. "This would be the perfect opportunity for me to sit back and bask in my genius, but I can't really do that, because I'm as surprised as you. More surprised, actually, I'd say, as you seem to be taking this rather in your stride. How did you do this?"
David turns to face him, grinning. "You ever hear the expression 'hiding in plain sight'?" he asks. "Well, of course you have; I just thought that would be a bit more subtle than 'I'm hiding in plain sight!'"
Derren stares. He can't pinpoint where David's accent shifted.
"Well," he says eventually, because it's the only thing he can think of to say, "I'm afraid the time-travel work I did with you must have seemed rather pedestrian."
-
Of course, it has to be David playing some sort of trick on him. It's the only explanation that makes any sense at all. It's easy enough to switch an envelope and then lie about it, and of course Derren knows that David is capable of putting on an accent. It's an enjoyable joke, and David must know he understands that, so he may as well play along.
The TARDIS, it has to be said, startles him somewhat, but Derren knows very well that human perception can be altered. He was not aware that David had any experience with suggestion, and he knows that he himself is a very poor subject, but suggestion makes rather more sense than 'David Tennant is a Time Lord', and so Derren takes it as his hypothesis for the moment.
No matter how firmly Derren informs himself that his mind is playing tricks, however, the inside of the police box continues to be larger than the outside.
"The place was feeling a bit empty," the Doctor, so he claims, says, "and I thought you were interesting."
"Oh," says Derren, hoping that his voice comes out slightly less high-pitched than he imagines it will. Then, sadly, his need to follow up a compliment prevails and instead of any sort of panic he should probably be feeling at apparently being in an alien spacecraft, he says, "And what do you mean by 'interesting'?"
"You have certain qualities I find necessary for time travel," says the Doctor, shrugging, like this is a normal, everyday phrase - which, Derren supposes, in a rush of a sort of ridiculous excitement, it is, for him (assuming, he reminds himself, that this really is the Doctor, which is still very unlikely, temporally impossible writing and spatially impossible vehicles aside) - and he props himself up on what look like the main controls. "So. Are you interested?"
"I thought you just said I was interest-ing," Derren says, quibbling, but this is just to stop himself from saying something altogether more embarrassing. This technique doesn't have exactly the desired effect, as he follows this up by saying, "Well, obviously I'm interested. When do we leave?"
"We already have," says the Doctor, with a smirk, and with a lurch in the pit of his stomach, Derren realises they have been moving since the doors closed behind him.
"That was a bit presumptuous of you, wasn't it?" Derren asks. The floor underneath him gives a kind of wobble, and Derren trips forward, grabbing onto a convenient-yet-bizarrely-placed towel rail to stop himself from falling attractively flat on his face. He adds, once he is certain of remaining upright, "What if I'd said no?"
The Doctor folds his arms. The look on his face is one that Derren is perhaps too familiar with, having practised it himself rather too often in his bathroom mirror. It says, 'I know something you don't know'; it also says, 'you are terribly predictable'. Belatedly, Derren decides it is not particularly enjoyable to be on the receiving end of this expression. The Doctor says, "Would you have said no?"
"Well, no," Derren says, "but it might have been nice to have had the choice."
"Who needs choice?" asks the Doctor. "Isn't everything predetermined? Can't you read people's decisions from the moment you meet them?"
"To an extent," says Derren. "However, that extent is not 'please abandon your home on Earth and abscond with me, a man who may or may not be an alien masquerading as one of Britain's best-loved actors'. There is such a thing as taking something too far."
"Maybe there is," says the Doctor. The TARDIS makes an unhealthy noise from somewhere deep beneath Derren's feet, and he tightens his grip on the towel rail. When he looks up, the Doctor is smiling at him. It is not without a little malice.
"What?" snaps Derren, feeling decidedly tetchy. This, in his opinion, is not an unjustifiable way to be feeling in his current situation.
"Nothing," the Doctor says, but he sounds suspiciously close to laughter. "It's just - well. We're here."
"Where's here?" Derren demands, not letting go of the towel rail, and the Doctor leans forward and peels his fingers slowly off the rail and takes Derren's hand into his own. Derren blinks and looks down at their intertwined hands, disconcerted.
"'Where's here'?" the Doctor repeats. He grins, bold and manic and thrilling, gives Derren's hand a squeeze and says, "I bet you can't wait to find out."
-
Their first destination, it seems, is a bright, sunny field, and the colours are so vivid that Derren has to close his eyes against them for a moment. He can feel the sun on his face and the grass under the soles of his shoes, and he's never breathed air that felt less like London. It is an extremely convincing illusion, but 'an extremely convincing illusion' is still more plausible than anything else it could be.
After taking a moment to appreciate the immersiveness of the experience, he opens his eyes. There is a yellow rabbitlike creature looking at him and twitching its nose. It is almost revoltingly cute, and Derren has the strange feeling that he has seen something like it before.
"What's that over there?" he asks the Doctor.
The Doctor glances over. "Pikachu."
The name sounds vaguely familiar as well. Derren stares at the Pikachu. It stares back at him and flicks an ear.
"Don't get too close; it'll shock you," the Doctor says. He frowns. "Thought you'd already discovered them by the twenty-first century."
"I'm not sure," Derren begins, "but - "
"Oh, of course!" the Doctor exclaims. "You know what they are, but you don't find out they're real for a few years yet."
"Pika," says the Pikachu, and Derren remembers pictures in shop windows, advertisements on television, overhearing overexcited ten-year-olds a decade or so ago.
"Anywhere in time and space," he says, "and you take me here."
"Hey, Pokémon are amazing creatures," the Doctor says. "Very loyal, if you treat them well."
"I can't believe I'm actually standing in a field full of Pikachus."
The Doctor winces. "Pikachu."
"Or I think I'm standing in a field full of Pikachu, anyway."
"What's that supposed to mean?" the Doctor asks, with an injured air. "You don't think this is real?"
"You have to admit, it is fairly improbable," Derren says. "For all I know, I could be wandering through London, rambling about Pokémon. It could do some very odd things to my reputation."
"You're not going to enjoy the wonders of the universe as much if you think you're hallucinating them," the Doctor points out. "And I don't want you getting trampled by a Rhyhorn because you don't think it's real."
Derren frowns, looking at the Pikachu. It looks extremely solid, but he has seen people leaning against imaginary elephants. "I'm tempted to go and get trampled, I have to say, just to know whether it is."
"Right," the Doctor says. "Don't do that."
There has to be some way of testing it, Derren thinks. He can remember where the Thames was in relation to the TARDIS when the Doctor showed him in; the place is now, in his possibly-altered perception, just another part of the field, covered with grass and buttercups. Derren rather hesitantly walks onto it and finds himself entirely not plunged into a river.
Derren likes to think of himself as a sceptic, not a cynic. He may approach new ideas warily, but if they can provide evidence for themselves he is fully prepared to embrace them. That said, he's not sure there's any such thing as enough evidence to persuade him that he is actually standing on a planet of Pokémon. Perhaps he only thinks he's moving. Perhaps he's sleeping inside a police box with David Tennant pressed in next to him, murmuring 'The Pikachu are looking at you oddly' into his ear.
"Are you convinced yet?" the Doctor asks, watching him with folded arms.
Derren is beginning to get angry; it's hypocritical of him, he knows, but he is used to having complete control over his own mind, and not knowing what's real is making him uncomfortable. A couple of nearby Pikachu, apparently sensing this, take fright and scamper away to hide behind one of the trees bordering the nearby lake.
"You must have some way of proving it's real, if it is," he says. "I hardly think everyone you meet is convinced by the Time Lord claims."
"The TARDIS is enough for most of them," the Doctor says.
"If this is any sort of trick," Derren says, "just take me out of it."
"Well, we can get back in the TARDIS and I can take you back to Earth," the Doctor says, rather testily. "But that's all I can do, because this is real."
In the very, very unlikely scenario of this actually being real, Derren knows, he's risking the greatest opportunity that will ever come across his path, but he has to know the truth. "How can you prove that?"
The Doctor rolls his eyes. "All right, this is definitely the last time I pick up a hypnotist."
Derren is about to explain that he wouldn't really call himself a hypnotist, as such, but then there is a noise behind him, from the direction of the lake. He turns.
A huge, shimmering serpent has risen smoothly out of the water. It is massive, but Derren does not feel threatened by it: perhaps because it is watching the Doctor; perhaps, he thinks, although thinking seems to have become rather difficult all of a sudden, because it cannot possibly be real. It is also stunningly pretty.
"Milotic," the Doctor murmurs.
The serpent turns its head to regard Derren, and he feels every muscle in his body relax. His mind suddenly seems to be elsewhere, and all he can feel is a warm and comfortable calmness. It feels like a trance, or what he would imagine a trance to feel like; he may be used to inducing them, but prior to today he has had little experience with being in one himself. He is vaguely aware of having been in an argument, but he cannot remember why.
"Doesn't like conflict." Derren can hear the Doctor's voice, but it barely registers; his entire mind is taken up with the feeling of calm, the sight of the beautiful creature in front of him. "It shows up to take away negative emotions when people are arguing."
The serpent is still watching him, its head tilted in what looks like a curious gesture. Derren, with the dim feeling that this may be a bad idea, takes a step closer to it.
"Careful," the Doctor says, quietly. "If it feels threatened..."
The serpent's presence is like a drug, but Derren can take in what the Doctor is saying if he really focuses on it through the haze of peace, and it makes sense. From what little Derren knows of Pokémon, he has the impression that they can be quite dangerous. Keeping his distance would probably be the best course of action.
He is somewhat thrown from his relaxed considerations when the serpent begins to glow.
"Ah," the Doctor says, in a tone with which Derren, even in his present state, is not entirely comfortable. "You should probably start backing away, now. Veeeery slowly."
Derren begins, very slowly, to back away.
There is a flash of light.
Derren stops moving. He can't remember why he was moving away. He can't understand why anyone would want to move away from anything so beautiful.
The Doctor says something. Derren doesn't know what it is, and he doesn't really care. He begins walking towards the serpent again, a little faster this time.
Suddenly, the serpent flicks its beautiful tail and lowers its head towards the water.
Derren stops moving. The serpent doesn't.
It's leaving. The sea serpent is leaving, and Derren knows he is going to die if it leaves.
"Wait!" he shouts.
It dives. Derren is frozen for a moment, cold horror crawling up his limbs. He can't breathe. He can't think. He can't imagine never seeing it again.
He starts running towards the lake.
Derren thinks he's the one shouting, and he doesn't realise it's the Doctor until there are arms wrapped around him from behind, restraining him. He doesn't know why the Doctor has suddenly become his enemy, but it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters, he knows, struggling to free himself, is getting to the lake.
He still has no idea whether this is an illusion. He doesn't care if it's an illusion. All he knows is that he needs to be with the serpent.
If the Doctor doesn't let go in time, Derren is never going to forgive him.
The lake is so close, and -
One moment Derren is staring as the tip of the iridescent tail slips beneath the surface of the water, and the next he is forced around and the Doctor is kissing him. The Doctor - but the serpent is going, another moment and perhaps he won't be able to find it - the Doctor is kissing him. Derren is being kissed.
He fights against it at first, but the desire to get away (get away get away get away the serpent is leaving) quickly drains, and after a moment he realises that he doesn't know why he's fighting.
He's just starting to reciprocate when the Doctor pulls back.
Derren feels lost. For a moment he thinks he's about to collapse, but the Doctor catches his arms. The serpent is gone, and the Doctor's mouth is gone, and he doesn't know what he wants.
"Derren!" the Doctor says, in a loud, clear voice that burns through the confusion inside Derren's head. "Derren, you were going to jump into the water. I had to stop you. You were going to jump into the water, and you were going to drown."
Derren feels as if he's drowning right now. He grips fistfuls of the Doctor's coat, bracing himself against his chest to keep himself from falling. It must look horrifically weak, some part of his mind tells him. He prefers this part to the part that wanted him to be with the serpent for ever a moment ago and would now traitorously sell every other part of his mind off for another kiss, which, all other issues aside, is appallingly fickle.
"There's an ability Milotic have," the Doctor explains, quickly, "it's called 'Attract', it - well, you've probably guessed what it does by now." He pauses. "I had to counteract it."
Derren breathes into the Doctor's coat and tries very hard to forget everything that just happened. It doesn't work.
The beginning of his adventures in time and space could, he feels, have been better.
"Derren?" the Doctor asks, touching his shoulder.
Derren jerks back, without thinking. After a moment, he sinks down to sit on the grass, facing away from the lake.
"Derren?"
There is a pause. The lake laps against the shore, audibly and unhelpfully.
"I fell in love," Derren mutters, his head in his hands, "with a sea serpent."
"It could've happened to anyone," the Doctor says, reassuringly.
"I fell in love with a Pokémon."
"Well," the Doctor says, "at least it wasn't a Grimer."
Derren has no idea of what a 'Grimer' is, so this remark does little to comfort him.
-
The Doctor seems to assume that, in the horror of falling in love with an alien sea monster, Derren will have forgotten about his doubts regarding whether the situation is real or not, but in fact Derren has only become more determined to find the truth. If none of this is real, after all, he won't have fallen in love with an alien sea monster. He feels that he would be all right with not having fallen in love with an alien sea monster. Whether the Doctor is a nine-hundred-year-old asexual alien being or a presumably non-asexual Scottish actor of about his own age is also something Derren would, at present, be rather interested in discovering.
The problem is finding a way to prove whether or not this is real.
Eventually, Derren hits upon the answer. He doesn't know enough about Pokémon to maintain this illusion on his own, if it is an illusion. All he needs to do is get away from the Doctor for a while, and see whether the hallucination breaks down. It won't work if his physical body is actually somewhere else entirely with David whispering into its ear, of course, but for now it's the best method he has.
The Doctor has given him a little of the local currency, so he hopes he'll be able to cope on his own, if this world is real. If it's not enough to buy him lodgings, well, he can be very persuasive when he wants to be.
He leaves a note in the TARDIS: Back in a few days.
-
Derren has been on his own for barely over two hours, and he has already been painfully electrocuted by a Pikachu. More than once. If this is all in his head, he thinks, he and David are going to have some serious words.
So far, Derren's main impressions of the Pokémon world are that Pokémon are terrifying and it appears to be populated to a quite disproportionate extent by persons under the age of twenty. He fervently hopes that he doesn't run across any more creatures with the ability to attract, because if the cure is kissing someone else and everyone nearby is twelve years old it's going to be uncomfortable. Perhaps this world's paedophilia laws, if it has them, have exemptions written into them for such an event, but he imagines that actually asking the pretty and inexplicably blue-haired nearby police officer about such things may have unpleasant consequences.
As Derren stands there, weighing the benefits of a full knowledge of his legal rights regarding the kissing of twelve-year-olds against the possibility of arrest and the fact that he doesn't really want to know, he becomes aware that he is not the only person watching the police officer. A young man and a young woman, he with blue and she with magenta hair (there really is something very odd about the hair in this world), are lurking behind a tree, occasionally peeking out in what they appear to believe is an extremely subtle manner.
Curiosity has long been one of Derren's vices. He knows very well that, upon seeing people evidently plotting some form of criminal activity, there are more sensible courses of action than quietly following them into the woods to see what they are up to, but there are few more interesting. Besides, if they were capable of persuading themselves that the tree provided effective cover, they will probably be suggestible enough for Derren to be able to talk himself out if the situation becomes uncomfortable.
He hopes so, anyway.
-
After only a few minutes of listening in, Derren has established that the man and woman are called James and Jessie, respectively, and that they belong to a criminal organisation named Team Rocket. He is somewhat doubtful about the effectiveness of any criminal organisation that allows its members to have a hairstyle as striking as Jessie's, or, indeed, one that apparently issues its members with distinctive uniforms, but these thoughts barely have the opportunity to occur to him before he is again distracted by the fact that the third member of their team appears to be a talking cat.
"Those twerps should be coming by any minute," the cat says. It can say such things because it is, apparently, a talking cat. It is a talking cat. It is a cat that talks. "We better move fast if we want Pikachu."
Derren learns from the ensuing plotting that these three are, in fact, the most inept thieves in the entire universe. Their plan is to disguise themselves as 'Pokémon researchers'; their 'disguises' appear to consist entirely of two pairs of spectacles, two blue suits (one for Jessie, one for James; the trousers and the skirt are not distributed in quite the way Derren would have expected), and a hat and moustache for the cat. This is despite the fact that their would-be victims have apparently met them before and are, Derren suspects, unlikely to believe that this is a different talking cat just because it happens to be wearing a false moustache and a fedora.
Their target is a Pikachu, which makes the situation even more confusing, because Derren doesn't understand why they would go to the effort of putting together terrible disguises and coming up with terrible plans when there are Pikachu running wild all over the place. Then again, Derren doesn't understand why anyone would want a Pikachu at all. Perhaps standards in the Pokémon world are different, but the ability to electrocute him has never been something Derren has particularly looked for in a pet.
"Stop yapping!" the cat says, suddenly.
Jessie and James stop yapping. Derren, with an uneasy feeling that he may have been spotted, tries to be very still and very quiet.
"There's a man behind that tree," the cat stage-whispers, "and I think he's listening to us."
Ah, Derren thinks. Well, if he's been discovered, he supposes he may as well attempt to steer the course of events in what he imagines would be a more favourable direction for all involved.
"Far be it from me to interrupt your criminal proceedings," Derren says, stepping out into the open, "but there's a field of Pikachu just over there. I assume they're wild. You could lasso one of them or whatever it is you do to catch these things, and nobody would have to lose his beloved pet."
The would-be criminals stare at him in stunned silence. An angry-looking boulder with arms bounces confusingly past.
Suddenly, because the day has evidently not been ridiculous enough, Jessie and James leap to their feet and strike dramatic poses.
"Prepare for trouble!" Jessie announces, dramatically.
"And make it double," James says, also dramatically.
Derren, who does not feel particularly like preparing for any degree of trouble, quietly makes his exit whilst Team Rocket are busy denouncing the evils of truth and love and extending their reach to the stars above. The brief face-to-face encounter has done little to improve his confidence in them as perpetrators of nefarious deeds.
-
As Derren is on his way back towards the town, he spots two children making their way towards the forest: a boy and a girl. The boy has a Pikachu sitting on his shoulder, and that makes him pause. If these are the 'twerps' whose Pikachu is presently at risk, Derren feels, perhaps he should attempt to prevent the theft. Team Rocket's chances of success are probably not high, but there's no reason not to warn the targets anyway.
Derren suspects that an attempt to open the conversation with 'Excuse me, are you the twerps?' may not be terribly well received, so instead he tries, "Excuse me, do you know a couple with a talking cat?"
"Cat?" the boy in the hat echoes, looking mildly bemused.
Perhaps 'cat' isn't the right name. Derren tries to remember how the cat's fellows addressed it. 'Meow' or something. "I believe they're part of an organisation called Team Rocket."
'Team Rocket' is obviously something the boy understands. "What've they been doing?" he demands. "Do you need help?"
"Well, as far as I can tell, they haven't done anything yet," Derren says, "but I think they were planning to steal your Pikachu. They're in a clearing over there. I don't know how worried you need to be; their plans weren't terribly well-formed, but I thought I'd just let you know."
The boy thanks Derren and invites him to walk with them, and Derren, although he is not hugely fond of children, decides that he may as well take advantage of an opportunity to learn more about the world in which he has found himself. Ash and Misty, as he discovers they are called, tell him stories of previous encounters with Team Rocket: Jessie, James, and the talking 'Meowth'. From the sound of things, yes, Jessie's hair has always been that shade of pink, despite the fact that a less vivid colour would probably make her a much more effective thief, and, yes, they do recite that motto on a regular basis.
Ash and Misty are surprised to learn that Derren knows almost nothing about Pokémon, but they don't question him too much and they are happy to fill him in. From them, he learns about nearby places to stay, eat and seek medical attention if he is stung by a 'Weedle', whatever that is. He learns that Pokémon live in balls clearly too small to contain them (and why not?), and that their trainers tell them what attacks to use in battle, and that no, Pikachu hasn't learned Attract, why do you want to know?
Derren drops back as they enter the forest, a little worried that his presence may cause problems if Team Rocket recognise him, but eventually his curiosity overcomes his caution and he approaches the clearing.
"Someone said Team Rocket was here," Ash is saying, "but I guess there's just you guys."
Either Team Rocket have departed after being discovered, Derren thinks, or they have found much better disguises in a very short span of time. When he comes to the edge of the clearing, he discovers that he is entirely wrong. Apparently, a suit and a pair of glasses really do make Jessie completely unrecognisable in Ash's eyes, despite the arcing magenta hair.
"We're studying Team Rocket," she explains. "He must have misunderstood."
"I guess that makes sense."
"We're Pokémon researchers," the Meowth says. Ash and Misty nod, apparently not inclined to wonder why the talking Meowth is wearing a hat and moustache, or, indeed, whether it has any relation to the other talking Meowth they know. "Looking at electric Pokémon in particular."
"Oh, what a fine-looking Pikachu!" James coos, in a high-pitched voice.
"Uh, thanks," Ash says.
"Could we maybe look at it?" James asks. "Just for a moment? It's for research!"
"I guess," Ash says.
Derren, who cannot believe anyone can be quite so oblivious, coughs audibly.
"What kind of research?" Misty asks.
"Er," James says.
"Important research!" Jessie cuts in, quickly. "We're trying to invent something that will make Pokémon impossible to steal!"
"Hey, that'd be really useful," Ash says. "People are trying to steal Pikachu all the time."
Ash is being such an idiot that Derren is tempted just to let the Pikachu be stolen as a lesson to him, but he does have a conscience, and if he stands back as a boy's pet is abducted his conscience is never going to shut up about it.
"Ash," Derren says, quietly, slipping out from between the trees and drawing him aside. James, he observes, notices his presence and moves over to whisper to Jessie. "Hold onto your Pikachu for a moment." He points at the cat. "What do you see over there?"
Ash frowns. "I don't know, some guy in a moustache."
Right. Derren is taking this as evidence that everything is happening in his head, because this is ridiculous. "All right, yes. Some guy in a moustache. Can you imagine him without the hat and the moustache for me?"
Ash frowns, and then his eyes widen. "Team Rocket!"
"There we go," Derren mutters.
"Pikachu!" Ash shouts, pointing at Team Rocket. "Thunder!"
James shrieks and leaps into Jessie's arms. Derren suddenly finds himself feeling uncomfortable. 'Thunder' does not sound like a good thing to be on the receiving end of. Team Rocket may be criminals, but they don't seem particularly dangerous criminals, and in any case he doesn't really want them to be electrocuted or blown up.
Ash's Pikachu screws its eyes shut, sparks forming around its cheeks, and then it topples over and starts snoring.
Either 'Thunder' is an attack with a rather misleading name, or something unexpected has happened. As Derren looks around the clearing and sees that Jessie, James, Ash, Misty and the fedora-clad Meowth have also fallen asleep, he begins to suspect the latter.
There's music coming from somewhere, he realises, after a moment. Somebody or something is singing. From the fact that the song, although not unpleasant, sounds like a string of nonsense syllables repeated over and over again, Derren concludes that it is probably a Pokémon.
The singer, when it emerges into the clearing, turns out to be a pink ball of about a foot in diameter, with catlike ears and tiny limbs. It is an odd-looking creature, but in a competition for 'strangest thing he has seen since his arrival' Derren thinks the boulder with arms would probably beat it.
The pink thing pauses in its singing, looking around the clearing at the sleeping figures. It makes a disgruntled noise and starts to rifle through Ash's backpack.
Derren, feeling vaguely as if he ought to prevent this, clears his throat. "Er," he says.
The pink thing turns around, sees him and suddenly looks more surprised and delighted than Derren would have believed possible of a smallish pink ball. It closes its eyes and bursts into song again. Derren, not sure of what else to do, stands and listens.
Eventually, the pink thing finishes its song and opens its eyes. It looks expectant.
"That's very nice," Derren says, uncertainly.
Derren has no idea of whether the Pokémon can understand him or not, but it looks immensely happy. He rather hopes it will leave, because he has no idea how many Pokémon have magical powers of attraction and he'd prefer not to take chances, but instead it sits nearby, looking up at him with large, adoring eyes.
No more complimenting Pokémon on their singing, Derren resolves. Pokémon are unnerving enough as it is; he doesn't need them liking him.
Derren is inclined to depart before his new friend makes its abilities known, but his conscience, which has apparently not yet learnt to shut up, demands that he stay to make sure the sleeping people are all right. He settles back to watch, just outside the clearing. The pink thing snuggles happily against his side, rather to his unease. He tries very hard not to fall in love with it.
Team Rocket wake first, and glance around shiftily before running into the woods. Taking Pikachu whilst it sleeps, apparently, does not even occur to them. They are so very rubbish that Derren finds himself developing an odd sort of fondness for the three of them.
He lingers until Misty yawns and sits up, and then he slips away.
-
Derren spends the night in a hotel that has fish painted on the walls and, because either this world or his subconscious loves to mock him, a statue of a Milotic in the lobby. The next morning, he goes out to explore.
The Pokémon world, despite its electric fauna and saturation of pre-adolescents, is a rather beautiful place. Derren enjoys a long and pleasant walk through fields and woods; he considers going down to the beach, but eventually decides to stay away from any bodies of water. He approaches Pokémon with care, but, fortunately, does not find himself suddenly in love with any rats, spiders, owls or rocks, although he is rather taken with a parrotlike Pokémon that he sees perched on a young woman's shoulder. She tells him that it is called a Chatot and it is not for sale.
The pink thing, which appears to adore him, has taken to following him everywhere and chasing away any purple rats that look at him in the wrong way. When it becomes clear that Derren is not getting rid of it, he decides to call it Lucy. He notes, with interest, that people and Pokémon nearby all seem to fall asleep when Lucy sings, as she likes to do at every opportunity; if the song does have some sort of strange power, he himself appears to be immune.
Derren and Lucy spend a couple of days wandering. Derren sees many strange and wonderful Pokémon, and is relieved to find he develops a romantic interest in none of them. He watches a few Pokémon battles, about which he imagines the RSPCA would have something to say. He sneaks into a training school when he sees an extremely dull-looking lecture on status effects advertised, in the hope of boring his brain into giving up the illusion, but the moment Lucy sees the podium she leaps up onto it and sings the entire lecture hall to sleep. At no point do his surroundings show any signs of fading away, or of being any less real and solid than London.
Eventually, Derren is forced to conclude that he really is in a world of Pokémon. On the one hand, this means that the unfortunate episode with the Milotic really happened, but on the other it means that Derren really does have the rare and wonderful opportunity to explore the whole of time and space.
So long as there are no more magical sea serpents of love, he's got no problem with that.
-
A small part of Derren is afraid that the Doctor will have packed up and abandoned him on the planet of the Pokémon, but the TARDIS is still there, sitting incongruously in the little grassy field. Derren knocks on the door, feeling slightly silly. There's no answer.
Derren is less than comfortable with the prospect of spending too long next to the Milotic lake, so it's a relief when the Doctor shows up a couple of minutes later. He comes striding across the field and pauses when he sees Derren, raising his eyebrows.
There is a brief silence.
"Sorry," Derren says, a little sheepishly. "I had to find out whether this was real."
"And?" the Doctor asks.
"Well, either this is real, or it's so convincing I may as well enjoy it."
The Doctor grins. "Don't make a habit of running off like that. If I keep having to tell you why it's dangerous, we'll have another Milotic on our hands."
Derren closes his eyes. "Let's not talk about the Milotic."
"Doesn't seem to have been enough to put you off Pokémon entirely, though," the Doctor observes. "Is that a Jigglypuff?"
Derren opens his eyes. Lucy, it appears, has crept up on them during the conversation. "I suppose you'd know better than I would. It sort of attached itself to me a while ago."
"Have you given him a name?" the Doctor asks.
"Him?" Derren repeats, a little taken aback. Now that he thinks about it, his assumption that the Jigglypuff was female was perhaps a little unfounded; he's fairly sure that there are male flamingoes, after all. "How can you tell?"
"Ears are smaller on the males."
"Ah," Derren says. "Well, then, his name is Lucy."
He's expecting to be laughed at, but the Doctor just gives him a look too quick to decipher before returning his attention to Lucy. "Quite feared creatures, Jigglypuff."
"Why?" Derren asks. "Oh, God, they can't do that attraction thing, can they?"
"Not in the wild," the Doctor says, smiling. "But their song can send people to sleep. I suppose it makes sense that he'd like you."
"Ah, yes," Derren says. "I don't think the singing works on me, actually."
"Oh, well, then he'd definitely like you. Jigglypuff hate it when people fall asleep during their songs. Doesn't work on me, either, and I got a little crowd following me around last time I came here."
Derren laughs. "Their song sends people to sleep, and they hate it when people fall asleep during their songs?"
"Yeah. Well, it's rude, isn't it?"
"People fall asleep quite a lot during my performances, and I'm not particularly offended," Derren says, "but I suppose that's not quite the same thing."
"Maybe that's why it doesn't work on you," the Doctor says, looking thoughtfully at Lucy, who has apparently become bored with the conversation and is now rolling around on the grass like a small pink beach-ball. "Because you're a hypnotist."
"I'm not a hypnotist."
"We can't take him onto the TARDIS," the Doctor says. "I hope you know that. She's not immune to the song, and she snores."
Derren is momentarily too distracted by attempting to picture a snoring spacecraft to be particularly saddened by the prospect of losing his temporary companion. To be honest, he's not sure he would have been terribly saddened even without such diversions; Lucy's company has been good enough, as the unasked-for company of rubbery pink balls with cat ears goes, but since the Milotic incident the presence of any Pokémon has been making Derren faintly uneasy.
Lucy, however, appears suddenly quite distressed. He ceases his happy rolling, hops on the spot a few times, and then runs over to Derren and attempts to wrap his tiny arms around Derren's left leg.
"I think he understood you," Derren says, raising his eyebrows.
"They understand more than you'd think," the Doctor says.
Derren prises Lucy from his leg and crouches down to his level. Lucy looks like the unhappiest pink ball in the world, and for a moment Derren feels a pang of guilt, but he cannot abandon everything to live with a Jigglypuff, no matter how sad its eyes are.
"Look at me," he says.
When Lucy is sleeping soundly, Derren gives him a gentle pat on the head, and then he and the Doctor creep into the TARDIS.
Title: Part One: In Which Derren Discovers That Doctor Who and Pokémon Are Not Quite As Fictional As He May Have Imagined.
Fandoms: Derren Brown/Doctor Who/Pokémon
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 6,500ish
Summary: Derren was expecting surprise, but he'd rather thought it would be more on David's part.
It is the seventeenth of January, 2008, and Derren is waiting for David Tennant to show up. Two days ago, he had David attempt automatic writing, trying to predict newspaper articles that would appear in the future. Today is the day they find out whether it has worked.
Derren is looking forward to seeing David's reaction to his mental 'time travelling', assuming that all has gone according to plan.
All does not go entirely according to plan.
Derren has tried automatic writing with a handful of people before. This exact trick - 'going into the future' - he has only tested a couple of times, and both times it has been successful enough to be impressive but without being the screaming kind of brilliance that sends him into such a state of self-absorbed rapture that he gets the piss ripped out of him for days to follow by the people sitting with him in the catering truck. He is not expecting anything vastly different to happen when he does the trick with David Tennant. At most, he is hoping for a nice smug sense of his own cleverness: sending the Doctor into the future was one of his better ideas, even if he does say so himself. Which is how Derren finds himself leaning over David's shoulder as he smoothes out the piece of paper with his writing on, and trying to suppress a sense of hope that maybe, this time, something completely out of the ordinary will occur.
Derren is so busy trying to suppress this hope that it takes him a good ten seconds to realise that he is, in fact, looking at something impossible. He was expecting scattered words, phrases: things that could perhaps be strung together, with a little imagination, to make a story.
What he has in front of him is the front-page article. Almost word for word.
"Did you switch the envelope?" he asks, frowning.
David smiles. "I've done well, then?"
"You've done far too well," Derren informs him. "Do you still have the actual writing you did?"
"This is the writing I did," David says, innocently. "You don't believe me?"
There is a brief pause. Derren's eyes flick over the writing again.
"All right," he says, taking a step back and bringing a hand up to massage his forehead. "This would be the perfect opportunity for me to sit back and bask in my genius, but I can't really do that, because I'm as surprised as you. More surprised, actually, I'd say, as you seem to be taking this rather in your stride. How did you do this?"
David turns to face him, grinning. "You ever hear the expression 'hiding in plain sight'?" he asks. "Well, of course you have; I just thought that would be a bit more subtle than 'I'm hiding in plain sight!'"
Derren stares. He can't pinpoint where David's accent shifted.
"Well," he says eventually, because it's the only thing he can think of to say, "I'm afraid the time-travel work I did with you must have seemed rather pedestrian."
-
Of course, it has to be David playing some sort of trick on him. It's the only explanation that makes any sense at all. It's easy enough to switch an envelope and then lie about it, and of course Derren knows that David is capable of putting on an accent. It's an enjoyable joke, and David must know he understands that, so he may as well play along.
The TARDIS, it has to be said, startles him somewhat, but Derren knows very well that human perception can be altered. He was not aware that David had any experience with suggestion, and he knows that he himself is a very poor subject, but suggestion makes rather more sense than 'David Tennant is a Time Lord', and so Derren takes it as his hypothesis for the moment.
No matter how firmly Derren informs himself that his mind is playing tricks, however, the inside of the police box continues to be larger than the outside.
"The place was feeling a bit empty," the Doctor, so he claims, says, "and I thought you were interesting."
"Oh," says Derren, hoping that his voice comes out slightly less high-pitched than he imagines it will. Then, sadly, his need to follow up a compliment prevails and instead of any sort of panic he should probably be feeling at apparently being in an alien spacecraft, he says, "And what do you mean by 'interesting'?"
"You have certain qualities I find necessary for time travel," says the Doctor, shrugging, like this is a normal, everyday phrase - which, Derren supposes, in a rush of a sort of ridiculous excitement, it is, for him (assuming, he reminds himself, that this really is the Doctor, which is still very unlikely, temporally impossible writing and spatially impossible vehicles aside) - and he props himself up on what look like the main controls. "So. Are you interested?"
"I thought you just said I was interest-ing," Derren says, quibbling, but this is just to stop himself from saying something altogether more embarrassing. This technique doesn't have exactly the desired effect, as he follows this up by saying, "Well, obviously I'm interested. When do we leave?"
"We already have," says the Doctor, with a smirk, and with a lurch in the pit of his stomach, Derren realises they have been moving since the doors closed behind him.
"That was a bit presumptuous of you, wasn't it?" Derren asks. The floor underneath him gives a kind of wobble, and Derren trips forward, grabbing onto a convenient-yet-bizarrely-placed towel rail to stop himself from falling attractively flat on his face. He adds, once he is certain of remaining upright, "What if I'd said no?"
The Doctor folds his arms. The look on his face is one that Derren is perhaps too familiar with, having practised it himself rather too often in his bathroom mirror. It says, 'I know something you don't know'; it also says, 'you are terribly predictable'. Belatedly, Derren decides it is not particularly enjoyable to be on the receiving end of this expression. The Doctor says, "Would you have said no?"
"Well, no," Derren says, "but it might have been nice to have had the choice."
"Who needs choice?" asks the Doctor. "Isn't everything predetermined? Can't you read people's decisions from the moment you meet them?"
"To an extent," says Derren. "However, that extent is not 'please abandon your home on Earth and abscond with me, a man who may or may not be an alien masquerading as one of Britain's best-loved actors'. There is such a thing as taking something too far."
"Maybe there is," says the Doctor. The TARDIS makes an unhealthy noise from somewhere deep beneath Derren's feet, and he tightens his grip on the towel rail. When he looks up, the Doctor is smiling at him. It is not without a little malice.
"What?" snaps Derren, feeling decidedly tetchy. This, in his opinion, is not an unjustifiable way to be feeling in his current situation.
"Nothing," the Doctor says, but he sounds suspiciously close to laughter. "It's just - well. We're here."
"Where's here?" Derren demands, not letting go of the towel rail, and the Doctor leans forward and peels his fingers slowly off the rail and takes Derren's hand into his own. Derren blinks and looks down at their intertwined hands, disconcerted.
"'Where's here'?" the Doctor repeats. He grins, bold and manic and thrilling, gives Derren's hand a squeeze and says, "I bet you can't wait to find out."
-
Their first destination, it seems, is a bright, sunny field, and the colours are so vivid that Derren has to close his eyes against them for a moment. He can feel the sun on his face and the grass under the soles of his shoes, and he's never breathed air that felt less like London. It is an extremely convincing illusion, but 'an extremely convincing illusion' is still more plausible than anything else it could be.
After taking a moment to appreciate the immersiveness of the experience, he opens his eyes. There is a yellow rabbitlike creature looking at him and twitching its nose. It is almost revoltingly cute, and Derren has the strange feeling that he has seen something like it before.
"What's that over there?" he asks the Doctor.
The Doctor glances over. "Pikachu."
The name sounds vaguely familiar as well. Derren stares at the Pikachu. It stares back at him and flicks an ear.
"Don't get too close; it'll shock you," the Doctor says. He frowns. "Thought you'd already discovered them by the twenty-first century."
"I'm not sure," Derren begins, "but - "
"Oh, of course!" the Doctor exclaims. "You know what they are, but you don't find out they're real for a few years yet."
"Pika," says the Pikachu, and Derren remembers pictures in shop windows, advertisements on television, overhearing overexcited ten-year-olds a decade or so ago.
"Anywhere in time and space," he says, "and you take me here."
"Hey, Pokémon are amazing creatures," the Doctor says. "Very loyal, if you treat them well."
"I can't believe I'm actually standing in a field full of Pikachus."
The Doctor winces. "Pikachu."
"Or I think I'm standing in a field full of Pikachu, anyway."
"What's that supposed to mean?" the Doctor asks, with an injured air. "You don't think this is real?"
"You have to admit, it is fairly improbable," Derren says. "For all I know, I could be wandering through London, rambling about Pokémon. It could do some very odd things to my reputation."
"You're not going to enjoy the wonders of the universe as much if you think you're hallucinating them," the Doctor points out. "And I don't want you getting trampled by a Rhyhorn because you don't think it's real."
Derren frowns, looking at the Pikachu. It looks extremely solid, but he has seen people leaning against imaginary elephants. "I'm tempted to go and get trampled, I have to say, just to know whether it is."
"Right," the Doctor says. "Don't do that."
There has to be some way of testing it, Derren thinks. He can remember where the Thames was in relation to the TARDIS when the Doctor showed him in; the place is now, in his possibly-altered perception, just another part of the field, covered with grass and buttercups. Derren rather hesitantly walks onto it and finds himself entirely not plunged into a river.
Derren likes to think of himself as a sceptic, not a cynic. He may approach new ideas warily, but if they can provide evidence for themselves he is fully prepared to embrace them. That said, he's not sure there's any such thing as enough evidence to persuade him that he is actually standing on a planet of Pokémon. Perhaps he only thinks he's moving. Perhaps he's sleeping inside a police box with David Tennant pressed in next to him, murmuring 'The Pikachu are looking at you oddly' into his ear.
"Are you convinced yet?" the Doctor asks, watching him with folded arms.
Derren is beginning to get angry; it's hypocritical of him, he knows, but he is used to having complete control over his own mind, and not knowing what's real is making him uncomfortable. A couple of nearby Pikachu, apparently sensing this, take fright and scamper away to hide behind one of the trees bordering the nearby lake.
"You must have some way of proving it's real, if it is," he says. "I hardly think everyone you meet is convinced by the Time Lord claims."
"The TARDIS is enough for most of them," the Doctor says.
"If this is any sort of trick," Derren says, "just take me out of it."
"Well, we can get back in the TARDIS and I can take you back to Earth," the Doctor says, rather testily. "But that's all I can do, because this is real."
In the very, very unlikely scenario of this actually being real, Derren knows, he's risking the greatest opportunity that will ever come across his path, but he has to know the truth. "How can you prove that?"
The Doctor rolls his eyes. "All right, this is definitely the last time I pick up a hypnotist."
Derren is about to explain that he wouldn't really call himself a hypnotist, as such, but then there is a noise behind him, from the direction of the lake. He turns.
A huge, shimmering serpent has risen smoothly out of the water. It is massive, but Derren does not feel threatened by it: perhaps because it is watching the Doctor; perhaps, he thinks, although thinking seems to have become rather difficult all of a sudden, because it cannot possibly be real. It is also stunningly pretty.
"Milotic," the Doctor murmurs.
The serpent turns its head to regard Derren, and he feels every muscle in his body relax. His mind suddenly seems to be elsewhere, and all he can feel is a warm and comfortable calmness. It feels like a trance, or what he would imagine a trance to feel like; he may be used to inducing them, but prior to today he has had little experience with being in one himself. He is vaguely aware of having been in an argument, but he cannot remember why.
"Doesn't like conflict." Derren can hear the Doctor's voice, but it barely registers; his entire mind is taken up with the feeling of calm, the sight of the beautiful creature in front of him. "It shows up to take away negative emotions when people are arguing."
The serpent is still watching him, its head tilted in what looks like a curious gesture. Derren, with the dim feeling that this may be a bad idea, takes a step closer to it.
"Careful," the Doctor says, quietly. "If it feels threatened..."
The serpent's presence is like a drug, but Derren can take in what the Doctor is saying if he really focuses on it through the haze of peace, and it makes sense. From what little Derren knows of Pokémon, he has the impression that they can be quite dangerous. Keeping his distance would probably be the best course of action.
He is somewhat thrown from his relaxed considerations when the serpent begins to glow.
"Ah," the Doctor says, in a tone with which Derren, even in his present state, is not entirely comfortable. "You should probably start backing away, now. Veeeery slowly."
Derren begins, very slowly, to back away.
There is a flash of light.
Derren stops moving. He can't remember why he was moving away. He can't understand why anyone would want to move away from anything so beautiful.
The Doctor says something. Derren doesn't know what it is, and he doesn't really care. He begins walking towards the serpent again, a little faster this time.
Suddenly, the serpent flicks its beautiful tail and lowers its head towards the water.
Derren stops moving. The serpent doesn't.
It's leaving. The sea serpent is leaving, and Derren knows he is going to die if it leaves.
"Wait!" he shouts.
It dives. Derren is frozen for a moment, cold horror crawling up his limbs. He can't breathe. He can't think. He can't imagine never seeing it again.
He starts running towards the lake.
Derren thinks he's the one shouting, and he doesn't realise it's the Doctor until there are arms wrapped around him from behind, restraining him. He doesn't know why the Doctor has suddenly become his enemy, but it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters, he knows, struggling to free himself, is getting to the lake.
He still has no idea whether this is an illusion. He doesn't care if it's an illusion. All he knows is that he needs to be with the serpent.
If the Doctor doesn't let go in time, Derren is never going to forgive him.
The lake is so close, and -
One moment Derren is staring as the tip of the iridescent tail slips beneath the surface of the water, and the next he is forced around and the Doctor is kissing him. The Doctor - but the serpent is going, another moment and perhaps he won't be able to find it - the Doctor is kissing him. Derren is being kissed.
He fights against it at first, but the desire to get away (get away get away get away the serpent is leaving) quickly drains, and after a moment he realises that he doesn't know why he's fighting.
He's just starting to reciprocate when the Doctor pulls back.
Derren feels lost. For a moment he thinks he's about to collapse, but the Doctor catches his arms. The serpent is gone, and the Doctor's mouth is gone, and he doesn't know what he wants.
"Derren!" the Doctor says, in a loud, clear voice that burns through the confusion inside Derren's head. "Derren, you were going to jump into the water. I had to stop you. You were going to jump into the water, and you were going to drown."
Derren feels as if he's drowning right now. He grips fistfuls of the Doctor's coat, bracing himself against his chest to keep himself from falling. It must look horrifically weak, some part of his mind tells him. He prefers this part to the part that wanted him to be with the serpent for ever a moment ago and would now traitorously sell every other part of his mind off for another kiss, which, all other issues aside, is appallingly fickle.
"There's an ability Milotic have," the Doctor explains, quickly, "it's called 'Attract', it - well, you've probably guessed what it does by now." He pauses. "I had to counteract it."
Derren breathes into the Doctor's coat and tries very hard to forget everything that just happened. It doesn't work.
The beginning of his adventures in time and space could, he feels, have been better.
"Derren?" the Doctor asks, touching his shoulder.
Derren jerks back, without thinking. After a moment, he sinks down to sit on the grass, facing away from the lake.
"Derren?"
There is a pause. The lake laps against the shore, audibly and unhelpfully.
"I fell in love," Derren mutters, his head in his hands, "with a sea serpent."
"It could've happened to anyone," the Doctor says, reassuringly.
"I fell in love with a Pokémon."
"Well," the Doctor says, "at least it wasn't a Grimer."
Derren has no idea of what a 'Grimer' is, so this remark does little to comfort him.
-
The Doctor seems to assume that, in the horror of falling in love with an alien sea monster, Derren will have forgotten about his doubts regarding whether the situation is real or not, but in fact Derren has only become more determined to find the truth. If none of this is real, after all, he won't have fallen in love with an alien sea monster. He feels that he would be all right with not having fallen in love with an alien sea monster. Whether the Doctor is a nine-hundred-year-old asexual alien being or a presumably non-asexual Scottish actor of about his own age is also something Derren would, at present, be rather interested in discovering.
The problem is finding a way to prove whether or not this is real.
Eventually, Derren hits upon the answer. He doesn't know enough about Pokémon to maintain this illusion on his own, if it is an illusion. All he needs to do is get away from the Doctor for a while, and see whether the hallucination breaks down. It won't work if his physical body is actually somewhere else entirely with David whispering into its ear, of course, but for now it's the best method he has.
The Doctor has given him a little of the local currency, so he hopes he'll be able to cope on his own, if this world is real. If it's not enough to buy him lodgings, well, he can be very persuasive when he wants to be.
He leaves a note in the TARDIS: Back in a few days.
-
Derren has been on his own for barely over two hours, and he has already been painfully electrocuted by a Pikachu. More than once. If this is all in his head, he thinks, he and David are going to have some serious words.
So far, Derren's main impressions of the Pokémon world are that Pokémon are terrifying and it appears to be populated to a quite disproportionate extent by persons under the age of twenty. He fervently hopes that he doesn't run across any more creatures with the ability to attract, because if the cure is kissing someone else and everyone nearby is twelve years old it's going to be uncomfortable. Perhaps this world's paedophilia laws, if it has them, have exemptions written into them for such an event, but he imagines that actually asking the pretty and inexplicably blue-haired nearby police officer about such things may have unpleasant consequences.
As Derren stands there, weighing the benefits of a full knowledge of his legal rights regarding the kissing of twelve-year-olds against the possibility of arrest and the fact that he doesn't really want to know, he becomes aware that he is not the only person watching the police officer. A young man and a young woman, he with blue and she with magenta hair (there really is something very odd about the hair in this world), are lurking behind a tree, occasionally peeking out in what they appear to believe is an extremely subtle manner.
Curiosity has long been one of Derren's vices. He knows very well that, upon seeing people evidently plotting some form of criminal activity, there are more sensible courses of action than quietly following them into the woods to see what they are up to, but there are few more interesting. Besides, if they were capable of persuading themselves that the tree provided effective cover, they will probably be suggestible enough for Derren to be able to talk himself out if the situation becomes uncomfortable.
He hopes so, anyway.
-
After only a few minutes of listening in, Derren has established that the man and woman are called James and Jessie, respectively, and that they belong to a criminal organisation named Team Rocket. He is somewhat doubtful about the effectiveness of any criminal organisation that allows its members to have a hairstyle as striking as Jessie's, or, indeed, one that apparently issues its members with distinctive uniforms, but these thoughts barely have the opportunity to occur to him before he is again distracted by the fact that the third member of their team appears to be a talking cat.
"Those twerps should be coming by any minute," the cat says. It can say such things because it is, apparently, a talking cat. It is a talking cat. It is a cat that talks. "We better move fast if we want Pikachu."
Derren learns from the ensuing plotting that these three are, in fact, the most inept thieves in the entire universe. Their plan is to disguise themselves as 'Pokémon researchers'; their 'disguises' appear to consist entirely of two pairs of spectacles, two blue suits (one for Jessie, one for James; the trousers and the skirt are not distributed in quite the way Derren would have expected), and a hat and moustache for the cat. This is despite the fact that their would-be victims have apparently met them before and are, Derren suspects, unlikely to believe that this is a different talking cat just because it happens to be wearing a false moustache and a fedora.
Their target is a Pikachu, which makes the situation even more confusing, because Derren doesn't understand why they would go to the effort of putting together terrible disguises and coming up with terrible plans when there are Pikachu running wild all over the place. Then again, Derren doesn't understand why anyone would want a Pikachu at all. Perhaps standards in the Pokémon world are different, but the ability to electrocute him has never been something Derren has particularly looked for in a pet.
"Stop yapping!" the cat says, suddenly.
Jessie and James stop yapping. Derren, with an uneasy feeling that he may have been spotted, tries to be very still and very quiet.
"There's a man behind that tree," the cat stage-whispers, "and I think he's listening to us."
Ah, Derren thinks. Well, if he's been discovered, he supposes he may as well attempt to steer the course of events in what he imagines would be a more favourable direction for all involved.
"Far be it from me to interrupt your criminal proceedings," Derren says, stepping out into the open, "but there's a field of Pikachu just over there. I assume they're wild. You could lasso one of them or whatever it is you do to catch these things, and nobody would have to lose his beloved pet."
The would-be criminals stare at him in stunned silence. An angry-looking boulder with arms bounces confusingly past.
Suddenly, because the day has evidently not been ridiculous enough, Jessie and James leap to their feet and strike dramatic poses.
"Prepare for trouble!" Jessie announces, dramatically.
"And make it double," James says, also dramatically.
Derren, who does not feel particularly like preparing for any degree of trouble, quietly makes his exit whilst Team Rocket are busy denouncing the evils of truth and love and extending their reach to the stars above. The brief face-to-face encounter has done little to improve his confidence in them as perpetrators of nefarious deeds.
-
As Derren is on his way back towards the town, he spots two children making their way towards the forest: a boy and a girl. The boy has a Pikachu sitting on his shoulder, and that makes him pause. If these are the 'twerps' whose Pikachu is presently at risk, Derren feels, perhaps he should attempt to prevent the theft. Team Rocket's chances of success are probably not high, but there's no reason not to warn the targets anyway.
Derren suspects that an attempt to open the conversation with 'Excuse me, are you the twerps?' may not be terribly well received, so instead he tries, "Excuse me, do you know a couple with a talking cat?"
"Cat?" the boy in the hat echoes, looking mildly bemused.
Perhaps 'cat' isn't the right name. Derren tries to remember how the cat's fellows addressed it. 'Meow' or something. "I believe they're part of an organisation called Team Rocket."
'Team Rocket' is obviously something the boy understands. "What've they been doing?" he demands. "Do you need help?"
"Well, as far as I can tell, they haven't done anything yet," Derren says, "but I think they were planning to steal your Pikachu. They're in a clearing over there. I don't know how worried you need to be; their plans weren't terribly well-formed, but I thought I'd just let you know."
The boy thanks Derren and invites him to walk with them, and Derren, although he is not hugely fond of children, decides that he may as well take advantage of an opportunity to learn more about the world in which he has found himself. Ash and Misty, as he discovers they are called, tell him stories of previous encounters with Team Rocket: Jessie, James, and the talking 'Meowth'. From the sound of things, yes, Jessie's hair has always been that shade of pink, despite the fact that a less vivid colour would probably make her a much more effective thief, and, yes, they do recite that motto on a regular basis.
Ash and Misty are surprised to learn that Derren knows almost nothing about Pokémon, but they don't question him too much and they are happy to fill him in. From them, he learns about nearby places to stay, eat and seek medical attention if he is stung by a 'Weedle', whatever that is. He learns that Pokémon live in balls clearly too small to contain them (and why not?), and that their trainers tell them what attacks to use in battle, and that no, Pikachu hasn't learned Attract, why do you want to know?
Derren drops back as they enter the forest, a little worried that his presence may cause problems if Team Rocket recognise him, but eventually his curiosity overcomes his caution and he approaches the clearing.
"Someone said Team Rocket was here," Ash is saying, "but I guess there's just you guys."
Either Team Rocket have departed after being discovered, Derren thinks, or they have found much better disguises in a very short span of time. When he comes to the edge of the clearing, he discovers that he is entirely wrong. Apparently, a suit and a pair of glasses really do make Jessie completely unrecognisable in Ash's eyes, despite the arcing magenta hair.
"We're studying Team Rocket," she explains. "He must have misunderstood."
"I guess that makes sense."
"We're Pokémon researchers," the Meowth says. Ash and Misty nod, apparently not inclined to wonder why the talking Meowth is wearing a hat and moustache, or, indeed, whether it has any relation to the other talking Meowth they know. "Looking at electric Pokémon in particular."
"Oh, what a fine-looking Pikachu!" James coos, in a high-pitched voice.
"Uh, thanks," Ash says.
"Could we maybe look at it?" James asks. "Just for a moment? It's for research!"
"I guess," Ash says.
Derren, who cannot believe anyone can be quite so oblivious, coughs audibly.
"What kind of research?" Misty asks.
"Er," James says.
"Important research!" Jessie cuts in, quickly. "We're trying to invent something that will make Pokémon impossible to steal!"
"Hey, that'd be really useful," Ash says. "People are trying to steal Pikachu all the time."
Ash is being such an idiot that Derren is tempted just to let the Pikachu be stolen as a lesson to him, but he does have a conscience, and if he stands back as a boy's pet is abducted his conscience is never going to shut up about it.
"Ash," Derren says, quietly, slipping out from between the trees and drawing him aside. James, he observes, notices his presence and moves over to whisper to Jessie. "Hold onto your Pikachu for a moment." He points at the cat. "What do you see over there?"
Ash frowns. "I don't know, some guy in a moustache."
Right. Derren is taking this as evidence that everything is happening in his head, because this is ridiculous. "All right, yes. Some guy in a moustache. Can you imagine him without the hat and the moustache for me?"
Ash frowns, and then his eyes widen. "Team Rocket!"
"There we go," Derren mutters.
"Pikachu!" Ash shouts, pointing at Team Rocket. "Thunder!"
James shrieks and leaps into Jessie's arms. Derren suddenly finds himself feeling uncomfortable. 'Thunder' does not sound like a good thing to be on the receiving end of. Team Rocket may be criminals, but they don't seem particularly dangerous criminals, and in any case he doesn't really want them to be electrocuted or blown up.
Ash's Pikachu screws its eyes shut, sparks forming around its cheeks, and then it topples over and starts snoring.
Either 'Thunder' is an attack with a rather misleading name, or something unexpected has happened. As Derren looks around the clearing and sees that Jessie, James, Ash, Misty and the fedora-clad Meowth have also fallen asleep, he begins to suspect the latter.
There's music coming from somewhere, he realises, after a moment. Somebody or something is singing. From the fact that the song, although not unpleasant, sounds like a string of nonsense syllables repeated over and over again, Derren concludes that it is probably a Pokémon.
The singer, when it emerges into the clearing, turns out to be a pink ball of about a foot in diameter, with catlike ears and tiny limbs. It is an odd-looking creature, but in a competition for 'strangest thing he has seen since his arrival' Derren thinks the boulder with arms would probably beat it.
The pink thing pauses in its singing, looking around the clearing at the sleeping figures. It makes a disgruntled noise and starts to rifle through Ash's backpack.
Derren, feeling vaguely as if he ought to prevent this, clears his throat. "Er," he says.
The pink thing turns around, sees him and suddenly looks more surprised and delighted than Derren would have believed possible of a smallish pink ball. It closes its eyes and bursts into song again. Derren, not sure of what else to do, stands and listens.
Eventually, the pink thing finishes its song and opens its eyes. It looks expectant.
"That's very nice," Derren says, uncertainly.
Derren has no idea of whether the Pokémon can understand him or not, but it looks immensely happy. He rather hopes it will leave, because he has no idea how many Pokémon have magical powers of attraction and he'd prefer not to take chances, but instead it sits nearby, looking up at him with large, adoring eyes.
No more complimenting Pokémon on their singing, Derren resolves. Pokémon are unnerving enough as it is; he doesn't need them liking him.
Derren is inclined to depart before his new friend makes its abilities known, but his conscience, which has apparently not yet learnt to shut up, demands that he stay to make sure the sleeping people are all right. He settles back to watch, just outside the clearing. The pink thing snuggles happily against his side, rather to his unease. He tries very hard not to fall in love with it.
Team Rocket wake first, and glance around shiftily before running into the woods. Taking Pikachu whilst it sleeps, apparently, does not even occur to them. They are so very rubbish that Derren finds himself developing an odd sort of fondness for the three of them.
He lingers until Misty yawns and sits up, and then he slips away.
-
Derren spends the night in a hotel that has fish painted on the walls and, because either this world or his subconscious loves to mock him, a statue of a Milotic in the lobby. The next morning, he goes out to explore.
The Pokémon world, despite its electric fauna and saturation of pre-adolescents, is a rather beautiful place. Derren enjoys a long and pleasant walk through fields and woods; he considers going down to the beach, but eventually decides to stay away from any bodies of water. He approaches Pokémon with care, but, fortunately, does not find himself suddenly in love with any rats, spiders, owls or rocks, although he is rather taken with a parrotlike Pokémon that he sees perched on a young woman's shoulder. She tells him that it is called a Chatot and it is not for sale.
The pink thing, which appears to adore him, has taken to following him everywhere and chasing away any purple rats that look at him in the wrong way. When it becomes clear that Derren is not getting rid of it, he decides to call it Lucy. He notes, with interest, that people and Pokémon nearby all seem to fall asleep when Lucy sings, as she likes to do at every opportunity; if the song does have some sort of strange power, he himself appears to be immune.
Derren and Lucy spend a couple of days wandering. Derren sees many strange and wonderful Pokémon, and is relieved to find he develops a romantic interest in none of them. He watches a few Pokémon battles, about which he imagines the RSPCA would have something to say. He sneaks into a training school when he sees an extremely dull-looking lecture on status effects advertised, in the hope of boring his brain into giving up the illusion, but the moment Lucy sees the podium she leaps up onto it and sings the entire lecture hall to sleep. At no point do his surroundings show any signs of fading away, or of being any less real and solid than London.
Eventually, Derren is forced to conclude that he really is in a world of Pokémon. On the one hand, this means that the unfortunate episode with the Milotic really happened, but on the other it means that Derren really does have the rare and wonderful opportunity to explore the whole of time and space.
So long as there are no more magical sea serpents of love, he's got no problem with that.
-
A small part of Derren is afraid that the Doctor will have packed up and abandoned him on the planet of the Pokémon, but the TARDIS is still there, sitting incongruously in the little grassy field. Derren knocks on the door, feeling slightly silly. There's no answer.
Derren is less than comfortable with the prospect of spending too long next to the Milotic lake, so it's a relief when the Doctor shows up a couple of minutes later. He comes striding across the field and pauses when he sees Derren, raising his eyebrows.
There is a brief silence.
"Sorry," Derren says, a little sheepishly. "I had to find out whether this was real."
"And?" the Doctor asks.
"Well, either this is real, or it's so convincing I may as well enjoy it."
The Doctor grins. "Don't make a habit of running off like that. If I keep having to tell you why it's dangerous, we'll have another Milotic on our hands."
Derren closes his eyes. "Let's not talk about the Milotic."
"Doesn't seem to have been enough to put you off Pokémon entirely, though," the Doctor observes. "Is that a Jigglypuff?"
Derren opens his eyes. Lucy, it appears, has crept up on them during the conversation. "I suppose you'd know better than I would. It sort of attached itself to me a while ago."
"Have you given him a name?" the Doctor asks.
"Him?" Derren repeats, a little taken aback. Now that he thinks about it, his assumption that the Jigglypuff was female was perhaps a little unfounded; he's fairly sure that there are male flamingoes, after all. "How can you tell?"
"Ears are smaller on the males."
"Ah," Derren says. "Well, then, his name is Lucy."
He's expecting to be laughed at, but the Doctor just gives him a look too quick to decipher before returning his attention to Lucy. "Quite feared creatures, Jigglypuff."
"Why?" Derren asks. "Oh, God, they can't do that attraction thing, can they?"
"Not in the wild," the Doctor says, smiling. "But their song can send people to sleep. I suppose it makes sense that he'd like you."
"Ah, yes," Derren says. "I don't think the singing works on me, actually."
"Oh, well, then he'd definitely like you. Jigglypuff hate it when people fall asleep during their songs. Doesn't work on me, either, and I got a little crowd following me around last time I came here."
Derren laughs. "Their song sends people to sleep, and they hate it when people fall asleep during their songs?"
"Yeah. Well, it's rude, isn't it?"
"People fall asleep quite a lot during my performances, and I'm not particularly offended," Derren says, "but I suppose that's not quite the same thing."
"Maybe that's why it doesn't work on you," the Doctor says, looking thoughtfully at Lucy, who has apparently become bored with the conversation and is now rolling around on the grass like a small pink beach-ball. "Because you're a hypnotist."
"I'm not a hypnotist."
"We can't take him onto the TARDIS," the Doctor says. "I hope you know that. She's not immune to the song, and she snores."
Derren is momentarily too distracted by attempting to picture a snoring spacecraft to be particularly saddened by the prospect of losing his temporary companion. To be honest, he's not sure he would have been terribly saddened even without such diversions; Lucy's company has been good enough, as the unasked-for company of rubbery pink balls with cat ears goes, but since the Milotic incident the presence of any Pokémon has been making Derren faintly uneasy.
Lucy, however, appears suddenly quite distressed. He ceases his happy rolling, hops on the spot a few times, and then runs over to Derren and attempts to wrap his tiny arms around Derren's left leg.
"I think he understood you," Derren says, raising his eyebrows.
"They understand more than you'd think," the Doctor says.
Derren prises Lucy from his leg and crouches down to his level. Lucy looks like the unhappiest pink ball in the world, and for a moment Derren feels a pang of guilt, but he cannot abandon everything to live with a Jigglypuff, no matter how sad its eyes are.
"Look at me," he says.
When Lucy is sleeping soundly, Derren gives him a gentle pat on the head, and then he and the Doctor creep into the TARDIS.