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Oct 14, 2005 09:24

this morning, when i woke up, it was dark outside. the air was still; stagnant, despite the rain, and the sky a shade somewhere between green and lavendar--like an oil slick.

i just called liz [curly hair--on the left]. it felt like it was *time*. as i dialed the numbers my heart pounded in my chest like it was trying to escape. the phone rang for what seemed like forever and then i heard her voice--a voice i had nearly forgotten--over the voicemail. it was cheerful, perky. not like the last time i heard it when it was sad, lost, apologetic, scared. this time i'm almost certain it was my voice that sounded like that as i left a shaky message. i told her i missed her, my best friend, and although there was a time when i thought it wouldn't be possible to be friends with her i'd like to give it a try, if that's something she's interested in. i told her that a lot has happened in my life in the year+ since we last spoke, both good and bad, as i'm sure a lot has happened in her life too [i don't think she knows that i'm already aware that she and max are back together/engaged/married.] and i told her that if friendship is something that she's interested in persuing with me, or something she'd like to talk about with me, she knows my number. and that was that. it's taken a year to muster up the courage to do that. and for all the time i have spent thinking about what i might say, how i would say it, whether or not she would answer the phone, or return my call if i had to leave a message, the minute i spent leaving a voicemail felt fleeting.

i guess now the ball is in her court. it's up to her whether or not to call me back. the waiting will be the worst part. and then the moment when the phone rings and it's the ringtone i have assigned to her number..then that will be the worst part.

tish, thank you for your latest post. you have no idea how badly i needed to hear it. i am going through a time in my life right now where affection and intimacy seem to be lacking, so even a reminder of that moment restored me a bit. you're not the only one haunted by that memory. i love you, and i miss you, and i hate this fucking ocean xx

tonight, after class, i'm going to meet sadie at her storage unit, to help her organize it/clean it out. her mom is moving to new york and i think she is trying to make room for anything she might need to put in storage, and she called me requesting my company while she takes on such an arduous task. she even called me yesterday afternoon to confirm our plans for today--something she rarely, if ever, does. as sadie pointed out, even though we rarely see each other, the times we do are special; "jewels", as she put it. whether it's driving in the car and singing as loudly as we can with the windows rolled down, or having sex and furthering our intimacy, etc., it's always something memorable. so tonight when i see her, although it'll be in a tiny little storage unit in downtown manhattan, i'm hoping we'll get in some quality time. i'm trying to play it cool, but last night in the shower i shaved all my various parts [just in case--storage units might be sexy ;)].

a client of mine--a professional flautist--was bummed by the fact that she couldn't pay me for massage. instead she bought me books of poetry by some of her favorite authors, and i just received the package in the mail. so the last word comes from "the collected poems of wallace stevens":

the auroras of autumn

"with none of the prescience of oncoming dreams, it is evening.
the house is evening, half dissolved.
only the half they can never possess remains.."
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