don't even read this, it's way too long
I am not at all private about my personal life. Sounds like an oxymoron, but I have the habit of spilling my guts pretty openly. I kind of hate that I do this, because I recently realized that a little bit of secrecy or privacy can probably help in a lot of situations. But I seem to need to get things off my chest and desire other people's input. I don't know if this helps me or confuses me.
Anyway, I decided to write in here because it's 430 in the freaking morning and I have to work at 9 and I can't sleep. It started because I had a couple drinks at Beaver Creek which made me restless, but then I started thinking about moving and how it's all happening faster than I had planned. And of course Brian.
Brian and I are on a break right now. He had been acting kind of odd for a while, maybe a month or month and a half. I asked him about it quite a few times but he just kept saying that he didn't know what was wrong. It got to be pretty bad to where he was getting irritable with me constantly, and finally we had a big discussion about us.
He's confused, and he doesn't know how he feels about me or the relationship anymore. He wanted to take a break (2 weeks was suggested) so that he can think and have some space.
So far it has been 4 days, which doesn't seem like that long, but has felt like an eternity to me. I check my phone like 80 times a day desperately hoping to see the blinking blue light of a message or missed call. I cross my fingers when I check my voicemail hoping it was him. It's pretty pathetic really.
The good thing about it is that although it is on my mind all day long, I don't really feel like I have been obsessing about it as much as I might have a few months ago. I think that this is because I am feeling more normal and calm in general so things don't throw my whole life into chaos as often.
Brian and I have had a complicated relationship from the beginning. I started dating him pretty shortly after I broke up with Caleb. I thought at first that I had no strings attached to Caleb, but I was wrong, which basically turned into another year (at least) of me trying to fully move past our relationship. All the while I wanted to make it work with Brian because I cared about him so much and did not want to lose him, but I wasn't the best girlfriend or person for a long time. I couldn't give Brian what he needed because I was just too overwhelmed by all my own shit. Complicated with other things in my life (my depression, my dad dying, graduating from college, my mom's new boyfriend, etc) I was basically a wreck for a long time, and I probably pushed Brian away.
What sucks is that I feel now that I took his feelings for granted. He was always so passionate about us, and so vocal about his feelings for me, that I guess I began believing that he would probably love me forever. I'm not saying that it's his fault, but I definitely think there were times when he lead me to believe that and even maybe told me that. Not that it matters. I can't believe he put up with some of the stuff that he did, and I was really lucky to have his affection for so long.
In a way, I can't be surprised that he is now having doubts. Maybe I just pushed him away for too long. I was so worried about the future and what was going to happen. I knew there were things I wanted to do, and I was stressed that we might go our separate ways someday. I didn't know how to reconcile the future with the present.
But now I see that I don't need to. I'm here, he's here, and we care about each other. I have no idea really what we are both going to end up doing later in life. But I do know that I want to be with him now, while I can.
I had been feeling so much better for the past couple months, and I think it was really showing. I'm more relaxed, way less irritable, and just in a better mood in general. I guess maybe it's all too late though. I know I could treat Brian the way he deserves to be treated. I am positive of it now. But I don't know if he wants to give me that chance. He may have already fallen out of love with me and I didn't even know it while it was happening.
So for now, I guess I just wait and hope that he figures things out. I really hope I don't have to wait two weeks because that just seems like forever from now.
Anyway, I decided to write in here because it's 430 in the freaking morning and I have to work at 9 and I can't sleep. It started because I had a couple drinks at Beaver Creek which made me restless, but then I started thinking about moving and how it's all happening faster than I had planned. And of course Brian.
Brian and I are on a break right now. He had been acting kind of odd for a while, maybe a month or month and a half. I asked him about it quite a few times but he just kept saying that he didn't know what was wrong. It got to be pretty bad to where he was getting irritable with me constantly, and finally we had a big discussion about us.
He's confused, and he doesn't know how he feels about me or the relationship anymore. He wanted to take a break (2 weeks was suggested) so that he can think and have some space.
So far it has been 4 days, which doesn't seem like that long, but has felt like an eternity to me. I check my phone like 80 times a day desperately hoping to see the blinking blue light of a message or missed call. I cross my fingers when I check my voicemail hoping it was him. It's pretty pathetic really.
The good thing about it is that although it is on my mind all day long, I don't really feel like I have been obsessing about it as much as I might have a few months ago. I think that this is because I am feeling more normal and calm in general so things don't throw my whole life into chaos as often.
Brian and I have had a complicated relationship from the beginning. I started dating him pretty shortly after I broke up with Caleb. I thought at first that I had no strings attached to Caleb, but I was wrong, which basically turned into another year (at least) of me trying to fully move past our relationship. All the while I wanted to make it work with Brian because I cared about him so much and did not want to lose him, but I wasn't the best girlfriend or person for a long time. I couldn't give Brian what he needed because I was just too overwhelmed by all my own shit. Complicated with other things in my life (my depression, my dad dying, graduating from college, my mom's new boyfriend, etc) I was basically a wreck for a long time, and I probably pushed Brian away.
What sucks is that I feel now that I took his feelings for granted. He was always so passionate about us, and so vocal about his feelings for me, that I guess I began believing that he would probably love me forever. I'm not saying that it's his fault, but I definitely think there were times when he lead me to believe that and even maybe told me that. Not that it matters. I can't believe he put up with some of the stuff that he did, and I was really lucky to have his affection for so long.
In a way, I can't be surprised that he is now having doubts. Maybe I just pushed him away for too long. I was so worried about the future and what was going to happen. I knew there were things I wanted to do, and I was stressed that we might go our separate ways someday. I didn't know how to reconcile the future with the present.
But now I see that I don't need to. I'm here, he's here, and we care about each other. I have no idea really what we are both going to end up doing later in life. But I do know that I want to be with him now, while I can.
I had been feeling so much better for the past couple months, and I think it was really showing. I'm more relaxed, way less irritable, and just in a better mood in general. I guess maybe it's all too late though. I know I could treat Brian the way he deserves to be treated. I am positive of it now. But I don't know if he wants to give me that chance. He may have already fallen out of love with me and I didn't even know it while it was happening.
So for now, I guess I just wait and hope that he figures things out. I really hope I don't have to wait two weeks because that just seems like forever from now.