"check and see if the pickle is stuck to the car..."--Dan Minnick
So... finally I talked to her. yeah, her. She's sweet and pretty. I don't know if that puts me at ease or pisses me off even more. Well, I told her this morning that I know and I'm ok with it. I'm not but that's how I cope.
I've been having awful dreams lately. I don't remember them, but I wake up knowing I just had the worst dream of my life and I just want to scream/sob and cuss someone out. It's making everyday a chore to get out of bed. That's difficult.
I still don't know if I'm leaving tonight or tomorrow morning. We shall see. I think the only reason I'm sort of happy about going this weekend is because it's like a performance. I pretend I know all of my relatives and that I'm sincerely interested in what they did at the senior center or which soap they really like right now. (I do care about Grandma though.) Then they'll ask me to sing and I have plenty prepared. I'll do some more classical and leave the music theatre to Ren. They want us to play sports. SPORTS!?!?!? Who do they think I am? I am all about playing Spades and Spit and singing all day... that's about it.
I'm using 'Maybe This Time' for my general fall season audition piece and 'Se Tu Mami' for my "Magic Flute" audition.
I can't wait to see Medea! She's going to be so proud of my improvement since my tonsils came out. I'm really amazing... thought you should know.
Somehow, I've learned to be quite confident despite the fact that I have an icky body and almost no friends. I don't know how that came about. I'm really into the 'mechanisms' people use to get through life... my confidence is probably a mechanism to keep me happy and draw people to me. You know, if you're confident people are drawn to you. Much moreso than if you complain about yourself. People don't like to have to constantly tell their friends that they're great. It's annoying. So instead of forcing people to tell me I'm great, I'm forcing myself to tell myself I'm great. Takes the pressure off everyone including myself. I know.
I'm really going to try. This year, my goal is to try to be happy as much as possible, have confidence, and show sincere interest in whatever conversation I am having. I'm also going to work on keeping negative thoughts out of my head and maintaining a reasonable volume. People don't like the girls who walk into a room and loudly announce themselves completely oblivious to what else is going on. My conversation, no matter how interesting, is not more important than anyone else's.
I'm going to go to parties. I won't drink but I'll go. I'll talk to a huge variety of people. I'm going to go to APEX as much as possible and have fun.
I'm going to lose weight. Some how, some way. I'll try to eat right and get excercise. Maybe i'll try to work in Weight Watchers. I could see a doctor for metabolism pills or for the lapband procedure. Also, there's a reality tv show that is specifically looking for overweight females in our area who are going to college. They want to put them on a diet and follow their progress. I want to do that. I submitted a resume. I just have to send in my headshot. It would be so cool... i'd lose a ton of weight.
I think that underneath the extra fat, I'm really beautiful. Before my face got chubby I still thought I looked really pretty. Now I don't even look at myself from the neck up and think I'm beautiful. That's a problem. I don't care what anyone else thinks... if they think I'm beautiful or not, as is, it's completely irrelevant. If I'm not happy, I need to change that. I'll be healthier and better suited for more parts.
I WANT MY BODY TO MATCH MY TALENT!! --Jason Strunk (and I fully agree)
I'm ready to turn my life around.
In other news. I think Ray has a plan. I know that he has a plan for how to ask me to marry him but I think he's decided when it's going to be. I'm also pretty sure that he's been "shopping for" aka 'looking at' rings. Right now, the only thing I'm sure of is that I'm going to school for the next three years and definitely graduating with the class of '09 and then I'm moving to New York City. We'll see what happens after that.
Tomorrow is Ray's and my 15th monthaversary. Wow! That's all I can say. I mean we fell in love the second we saw eachother. The 'L' word was said the night after we re-met. Truthfully, I thought the feeling would "calm down" after a month or so but it still hasn't. I still get excited to go home to him or spend a day, an hour, a minute with him. We're at work and he just walked by a few minutes ago and smiled at me and I felt a warm sensation in my chest that spread throughout my whole body and I haven't stopped smiling. I love him so much.
Anyway, I've been at work for 2 hours and I haven't done anything yet, so I better go. More later.
I've been having awful dreams lately. I don't remember them, but I wake up knowing I just had the worst dream of my life and I just want to scream/sob and cuss someone out. It's making everyday a chore to get out of bed. That's difficult.
I still don't know if I'm leaving tonight or tomorrow morning. We shall see. I think the only reason I'm sort of happy about going this weekend is because it's like a performance. I pretend I know all of my relatives and that I'm sincerely interested in what they did at the senior center or which soap they really like right now. (I do care about Grandma though.) Then they'll ask me to sing and I have plenty prepared. I'll do some more classical and leave the music theatre to Ren. They want us to play sports. SPORTS!?!?!? Who do they think I am? I am all about playing Spades and Spit and singing all day... that's about it.
I'm using 'Maybe This Time' for my general fall season audition piece and 'Se Tu Mami' for my "Magic Flute" audition.
I can't wait to see Medea! She's going to be so proud of my improvement since my tonsils came out. I'm really amazing... thought you should know.
Somehow, I've learned to be quite confident despite the fact that I have an icky body and almost no friends. I don't know how that came about. I'm really into the 'mechanisms' people use to get through life... my confidence is probably a mechanism to keep me happy and draw people to me. You know, if you're confident people are drawn to you. Much moreso than if you complain about yourself. People don't like to have to constantly tell their friends that they're great. It's annoying. So instead of forcing people to tell me I'm great, I'm forcing myself to tell myself I'm great. Takes the pressure off everyone including myself. I know.
I'm really going to try. This year, my goal is to try to be happy as much as possible, have confidence, and show sincere interest in whatever conversation I am having. I'm also going to work on keeping negative thoughts out of my head and maintaining a reasonable volume. People don't like the girls who walk into a room and loudly announce themselves completely oblivious to what else is going on. My conversation, no matter how interesting, is not more important than anyone else's.
I'm going to go to parties. I won't drink but I'll go. I'll talk to a huge variety of people. I'm going to go to APEX as much as possible and have fun.
I'm going to lose weight. Some how, some way. I'll try to eat right and get excercise. Maybe i'll try to work in Weight Watchers. I could see a doctor for metabolism pills or for the lapband procedure. Also, there's a reality tv show that is specifically looking for overweight females in our area who are going to college. They want to put them on a diet and follow their progress. I want to do that. I submitted a resume. I just have to send in my headshot. It would be so cool... i'd lose a ton of weight.
I think that underneath the extra fat, I'm really beautiful. Before my face got chubby I still thought I looked really pretty. Now I don't even look at myself from the neck up and think I'm beautiful. That's a problem. I don't care what anyone else thinks... if they think I'm beautiful or not, as is, it's completely irrelevant. If I'm not happy, I need to change that. I'll be healthier and better suited for more parts.
I WANT MY BODY TO MATCH MY TALENT!! --Jason Strunk (and I fully agree)
I'm ready to turn my life around.
In other news. I think Ray has a plan. I know that he has a plan for how to ask me to marry him but I think he's decided when it's going to be. I'm also pretty sure that he's been "shopping for" aka 'looking at' rings. Right now, the only thing I'm sure of is that I'm going to school for the next three years and definitely graduating with the class of '09 and then I'm moving to New York City. We'll see what happens after that.
Tomorrow is Ray's and my 15th monthaversary. Wow! That's all I can say. I mean we fell in love the second we saw eachother. The 'L' word was said the night after we re-met. Truthfully, I thought the feeling would "calm down" after a month or so but it still hasn't. I still get excited to go home to him or spend a day, an hour, a minute with him. We're at work and he just walked by a few minutes ago and smiled at me and I felt a warm sensation in my chest that spread throughout my whole body and I haven't stopped smiling. I love him so much.
Anyway, I've been at work for 2 hours and I haven't done anything yet, so I better go. More later.