Fic: Getting By 5/12
Series: Journey
Title: Getting By
Author: McRaider
Summary: Sometimes it’s all you can do after a tragedy is hold on for your life and pray that nothing else goes wrong. This is the aftermath of Lost Souls and how our fair weathered friends survive the loss of their two team mates and the destruction of pieces of their city.
Author’s Note: Originally, I had not real intentions of touching this point of the story, I was going to fast forward a handful of months-but then I realized so much is going to change and so much is going to hurt for so long. So realistically this is a piece that focuses on the survivors story and how much it can ache to slowly move on.
Rated: PG-13 for now
Disclaimer: I own nothing, no really as of right now the only thing I own is the tiny life in Jack’s womb but even that hasn’t come into existence yet, so I can’t claim her. I own the psychiatrist but as I never name the psychiatrist I can’t really claim such. Torchwood/Doctor Who is not my creation-now if you’d like to see my creation, come back in three or four years!
Thanks: To my lovely betas
senry and
teachwriteslash
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Date: February 10th, 2010
Patient Name: (Originally-unknown) Captain J. Harkness
Diagnosis: Too many damn things to count
Purpose: Too much time
You look tired
I’m almost five weeks pregnant you’d be tired too.
How are you doing Jack?
Fuckin’ peachy.
You sound like Owen
I miss him.
And Gwen?
She was so beautiful-I promised to protect them and I didn’t.
You can’t save everyone Jack.
No, but maybe I should try harder.
I hear you had a panic attack a couple days ago.
It was so stupid-
Tell me about your fears.
I’ve recently acquired a fear of the darkness.
Not unusual for someone who suffered the way you have.
I’ve suffered a million things Doc, why is this the one that freaks me out?
Everyone has a breaking point Jack, even you. You don’t always have to be the strong survivor. When do you get to lose it?
At night when it’s just Ianto and I.
You trust him.
With every ounce of my being.
He trusts you too.
Maybe
No, completely. Don’t fool yourself Jack, it’s not a one way relationship-I think you know that.
He wants to spend the rest of eternity with me. Do you have any idea how long that is?
I’m going to go with forever and hope I’m right with that.
You’re a smart ass doc.
Indeed I am it’s something I work hard to achieve. Tell me Jack, are you afraid you’ll lose more, or are you afraid they’ll abandon you.
I’ve been abandoned so many times-I thought it wouldn’t hurt anymore, to watch those I love walk away. But it always does.
Tell me how you feel about the Doctor.
A part of me will always hate him-for calling me wrong. It’s not really his fault, but it hurt more than I thought possible. I didn’t realize how much I loved Ianto until I realized how much I didn’t love the Doctor-or how much he didn’t love me.
And what about Ianto?
He’s my savior. In every way. I’ve been in love before Doc, but not like this, never so completely with someone.
Do you fear domesticity?
Honestly, I fear change, it scares the shit out of me-but for Ianto I’d manage. We’d manage.
And your child?
We’ve discussed names.
What are they?
Roslyn Toshiko Jones Harkness or Owen Scott Jones Harkness.
Why Roslyn?
My best friend Rose, I want to give her something to be proud of-in me.
You don’t think she’s proud of you?
The Doctor isn’t.
Have you ever asked him?
No.
Perhaps you should before judging. Jack, what do you want to change?
I’ve spent so long avoiding love-I just want a mate, someone I can honestly spend the next life time with, I don’t care how long.
Who do you want?
Ianto.
It scares you to need him so much doesn’t it?
I’m not used to needing people; I tend not to rely on others because I know they’ll die.
But he won’t.
No, he wont’ and I think that scares me almost more than being in love with someone. He chose to spend forever with me-fully aware how painful it could be.
Do you want so spend forever with him?
Yes.
How have you been sleeping?
I haven’t.
I see-
Every time I close my eyes I see my brother’s eyes staring down at me-or him killing Ianto. I-I can’t face that.
You can’t stay awake forever Jack, even you know that.
I keep expecting to go to sleep, dream of Ianto and wake up to find everything back to normal. I miss them a lot-more than any other team.
And Gwen?
I loved her once, I did-but Ianto knocked my entire world off its angle, no-I loved Gwen like a little sister. Ianto’s the one though. He’s so that one.
Yet you postponed the civil ceremony.
Fear I suppose, or maybe denial, because I know having it now means Owen and Gwen won’t be there.
How are they different from all the others you’ve lost Jack?
I cared about them, I personally recruited them, they were my first real team-and I loved them.
If you could tell them both one thing-just one thing-what would you want to tell them?
I’m so proud of you both.
Let’s pretend for a moment that you didn’t have forever with Ianto, what would you tell him?
Thank you for giving me something worth coming home to.
Perhaps you should stop waiting to tell him that Jack. I’d like to hold a session with the two of you during his time next week.
I suppose it makes sense, the both of us are suffering and we haven’t been able to pull it together. Sometimes I feel guilty for having this baby now. Bringing her into this world.
Is it that bad?
No, it could certainly be worse, but it could also be better. Ianto and I haven’t even really had the chance to celebrate her.
How do you feel about this pregnancy?
A month ago-before all of this, I would have said overjoyed, excited. God I’ve wanted a baby for so long, and I keep having miscarriages, and a part of me is afraid I’ll lose her too. But then-then I feel her move, or I feel her foot press just slightly against my belly. She’s-I can’t wait to hold her, to kiss her, I can’t wait to be her father.
How does he feel?
I don’t know-like I said, with everything that’s happened we haven’t really had a lot of chances to talk about it, and every times the subject comes up-
What?
I think he feels guilty about Michael.
Should he?
No!
How do you feel about what happened with Michael-the conception and the loss?
I was raped-I’ve been raped twice-what do you want me to say? That it’s not my fault-it isn’t, it wasn’t either time. Want me to say that I forgive them. I forgive Ianto, I’ll never forgive the Master-but then he’s dead so that doesn’t really matter. Yes I was raped, yes it caused me to conceive a child. If it hadn’t been for some stupid spore, he would be alive right now and maybe even beginning to speak. I can think of a million things I’d like to say, or that I feel. None of them really describe it though. Michael may have been the product of an unfortunate situation, but he was still my miracle, he was the only thing good that came out of something horriblly painful and I love him every moment.
That’s good to hear. What about Rose?
What about her?
She’s back.
I’ve noticed.
And?
You sure ask about my feelings a lot.
Part of the job as your psycho-therapist.
Rose was a beautiful gift, and I’m not sure there’s a better way to describe her. And I’m not going to try, the only thing I wish is that I could spend a little more time with her and my nephew before they both left with the Doctor. I guess sometimes I miss the things I don’t get to do. I’ve got all this time, all these years and I still don’t get to live everything.
If you could have one thing come true, what would it be, anything?
I’d marry Ianto.
Then what are you waiting for?
The pain to stop.
It’s always going to hurt Jack, you’ve got to learn to live with that pain. You’re burdened with it so often, but it’s time to let go of that burden and live again. Maybe Ianto is your chance for that happiness.
You sound like a fortune cookie.
No I sound like your psychiatrist. Now, I’ll see you next week with Ianto.
I’ll never forgive my brother for what he’s taken from me.
Session Summary: He’s carrying around more guilt than any man should, I don’t know why I should be surprised by this. I’m a little concerned with what to do from here. He obviously needs more help than I can give him. However, we need to continue speaking about Grey, John and perhaps even the rape, as I feel these are his biggest concerns right now that he isn’t speaking about. My long term goal with him is to get him to realize that he’s going to lose so many more, but that they’re all worth the love.