Tired - Awake
I swear...I can fall asleep at the drop of a hat during the day. But as soon as I need to be asleep - no go. :( Too much going on inside my head that keeps me awake. I feel like since I had my children I've been in a constant state of fear. I'm afraid for myself. I'm afraid for them. I'm afraid for myself if something ever happened to them. I'm afraid for them and Pete if something ever happened to me. It's morbid. But I can't help it. I also know that it doesn't change a thing. I truly do believe that whatever is suppose to happen will happen. But I guess I'm more worried about the when. I hope that I get to see grandchildren. It would be awesome to see grandchildren graduate high school. I'm only 27 years old and this is the crap that I worry about.
I quit smoking again. AGAIN. AGAIN. I find that guilt is a good motivator, so I'm just going to look at my kids every time I want a cigarette. I guess this ties back into the things that keep me awake at night. I've got this thing going on with my neck right now. So I quit smoking. I keep thinking about my grandma and how she quit smoking and then was diagnosed with and died from cancer months later. To be honest I think that is one of the things that has kept me smoking. I've been terrified that I would die if I quit. Of course there's also the, "what if I get hit by a bus tomorrow" argument. I don't know. Probably more likely that I'd get lung cancer. Especially in Indianapolis. Not a whole lot of public transportation to have run ins with.
I need to try and sleep.
<3
I quit smoking again. AGAIN. AGAIN. I find that guilt is a good motivator, so I'm just going to look at my kids every time I want a cigarette. I guess this ties back into the things that keep me awake at night. I've got this thing going on with my neck right now. So I quit smoking. I keep thinking about my grandma and how she quit smoking and then was diagnosed with and died from cancer months later. To be honest I think that is one of the things that has kept me smoking. I've been terrified that I would die if I quit. Of course there's also the, "what if I get hit by a bus tomorrow" argument. I don't know. Probably more likely that I'd get lung cancer. Especially in Indianapolis. Not a whole lot of public transportation to have run ins with.
I need to try and sleep.
<3