Spotty Love
So much time with Carmel. Not entirely sure what that means or how. Finding in her the small womanly inclination to games and drama. Her intelligence, creativity, hard-work are all things I admire. Coming to be attracted to her physically as well. What is difficult to overcome is the roller-coaster ride of here and gone again; poly, available, monogamous, single. And yet the ex is calling and texting the whole time we are together, and she has to leave early to pick her up. I can understand sharing a vehicle, but really, I don't understand why her phone still has Christy's sleeping face on it. It's difficult for me to comprehend and when she is intentionally prodding me for reaction the interest and care that I have maintained begins to atrophy. What the hell am I doing?
We tried to go for a hike, and it was half-impossible. I am so task-oriented I have little patience. There are moments when I felt very close to her, but they are betrayed by this impossible weight and grey areas. Normally I am one to revel in grey areas, but am finding little solace in that place right now. It seems like there is so little autonomy, but I am trying to be ok with that, to realize that people, particularly those far away from home without many friends, might stay friends with their exes.
We tried to go for a hike, and it was half-impossible. I am so task-oriented I have little patience. There are moments when I felt very close to her, but they are betrayed by this impossible weight and grey areas. Normally I am one to revel in grey areas, but am finding little solace in that place right now. It seems like there is so little autonomy, but I am trying to be ok with that, to realize that people, particularly those far away from home without many friends, might stay friends with their exes.