papa
I am so sad right now.
I’m organizing all my pictures for my site... and I saw some of nana and papa and I just can't believe he's leaving... he's so sick, he's not going to get better. I just can't stop crying, I feel sick and have a really bad headache. I love him so much.
He’s so sweet and funny and always calls mi fea (sp?), which means ugly in Spanish, and I call him ugly back, he calls me angelita too, which means angel in Spanish. And I miss the sound of his voice, and he's still alive, and can hear us, b.c your hearing is the last thing to go before you die. Isn’t that beautiful? That’s why I love music so much... tio Pancho play guitar yesterday, while nana read the bible, and we all prayed and it was so amazing, i just felt God in there, angels and the spirituality made me feel so light, and free.
Nana sang too. I’ve never heard her sing. She... she really meant it. Her voice cracked and she just started it over. Like, she just wanted to get it out, b/c it was the meaning that was the driving force behind her singing... like the lyrics and passion of the music should be when performing on stage, instead of some superficial kind of thing.
His hands, his skin, I’ve always taken pictures of it. Ever since last year, every time I’ve been around papa I’ve felt like, "this may be the last time we do this", "this may be the last time we do that"... so I’ve taken lots of pictures and video and just breathed in the moment, so precious.
I’m writing a song for papa, it's not done yet, but I will finish it tomorrow. There’s not much time, and I want to record it on protools to play it for him on his headphones. I’ll play it live too... but I think he'd be able to hear the words better on the headphones.
I’ve been so involved with my website and my career, even thought I spent allot of time with them, I wish I had spent a full day with them each week.
Family is so important to me. I love them and everyone so much.
I don't have any brothers or sisters so I’m always scared that I’ll end up alone.
I was walking down the street the other day, and it just hit me like an epiphany, how much I love my parents and couldn't imagine living away from them permanently.
It just doesn't make sense to me. We get along, and even though my dad doesn’t listen as much as he should, he's learning, and he means well, and he is a great man.
My mom is the sweetest woman. She’s very spiritual, and understanding. She’s so strong, and I know she's so sad and tired from everything that is happening, but she just keeps on trucking. I just wish I could repay my parents for everything they've done for me. It’s such a driving force on everything that I do. I think of them and my heart swells with love and admiration.
Nana is being the strongest I think she can possibly be. The latest dilemma has been weather or not to put the feeding tube in and continue dialysis. the children decided to (see it just hit me again,... i don’t want him to go :-( ).... The children decided to not continue with anything and just let hospice take over... but nana said that it's against God to decide that for him. She wants to make him live as long as he can with all the treatment he can get, and then die of natural causes. The family said that would make him suffer more, but she still stands by her belief. It’s got to be so scary… someone you’ve been with for over 55 years… leaving. She doesn’t stay alone at all, ever. She’s got a phobia. So we always have to have someone staying with her. Haha the other night, I stayed at the apt with her and it was so much fun. When we got there, she got ready for bed, then! She started show me the clothes in her closest, and the outfits that are big on her now, b.c she lost a lot of weight, since she’s been sick too… then haha she started showing me her 50th wedding anniversary dress, and ran her fingers down the buttons, saying, “isn’t it beautiful?” then all of a sudden she like trips/falls back and I have to catch her! She started Laughing, then I realized she was ok. Turns out the medication she took before bed made her so dizzy she kept loosing her balance. So I said, “ok you’re going to bed!” then I walked her over to her bed. Papa’s bed is right by nana’s (they both have twin beds), so she’s standing in between them both, and she falls over on his bed. Now right about now, she is cracking up!!!! Ic ouldn’t believe it, it was soooo funny!!! LOL so then I finally get her on to her own bed, and then she just lets out a sigh of exhaustion. THEN! She starts to say how she’s got to, “lavar me and horar” (wash up and pray). I’m like, “nana tu nessessita a domir”, (you have to go to sleep!!). so then I finally convince her that she’s had a long day, since the time now is 11:30pm and she usually goes to bed at approximately 9:30pm. Plus we had a long day at the hospital. When she sleep, she looks like a angel, with her long white hair laying on her shoulder. She’s so beautiful.
Tomorrow they put in the tube and today they did dialysis. His dialysis social worker loves him; she's such a sweet woman. I have a headache, too much crying. I should take some Tylenol.... or go to sleep. Ok well this is it... I’ll write again soon Xo ~DRi
My mom is the sweetest woman. She’s very spiritual, and understanding. She’s so strong, and I know she's so sad and tired from everything that is happening, but she just keeps on trucking. I just wish I could repay my parents for everything they've done for me. It’s such a driving force on everything that I do. I think of them and my heart swells with love and admiration.
Nana is being the strongest I think she can possibly be. The latest dilemma has been weather or not to put the feeding tube in and continue dialysis. the children decided to (see it just hit me again,... i don’t want him to go :-( ).... The children decided to not continue with anything and just let hospice take over... but nana said that it's against God to decide that for him. She wants to make him live as long as he can with all the treatment he can get, and then die of natural causes. The family said that would make him suffer more, but she still stands by her belief. It’s got to be so scary… someone you’ve been with for over 55 years… leaving. She doesn’t stay alone at all, ever. She’s got a phobia. So we always have to have someone staying with her. Haha the other night, I stayed at the apt with her and it was so much fun. When we got there, she got ready for bed, then! She started show me the clothes in her closest, and the outfits that are big on her now, b.c she lost a lot of weight, since she’s been sick too… then haha she started showing me her 50th wedding anniversary dress, and ran her fingers down the buttons, saying, “isn’t it beautiful?” then all of a sudden she like trips/falls back and I have to catch her! She started Laughing, then I realized she was ok. Turns out the medication she took before bed made her so dizzy she kept loosing her balance. So I said, “ok you’re going to bed!” then I walked her over to her bed. Papa’s bed is right by nana’s (they both have twin beds), so she’s standing in between them both, and she falls over on his bed. Now right about now, she is cracking up!!!! Ic ouldn’t believe it, it was soooo funny!!! LOL so then I finally get her on to her own bed, and then she just lets out a sigh of exhaustion. THEN! She starts to say how she’s got to, “lavar me and horar” (wash up and pray). I’m like, “nana tu nessessita a domir”, (you have to go to sleep!!). so then I finally convince her that she’s had a long day, since the time now is 11:30pm and she usually goes to bed at approximately 9:30pm. Plus we had a long day at the hospital. When she sleep, she looks like a angel, with her long white hair laying on her shoulder. She’s so beautiful.
Tomorrow they put in the tube and today they did dialysis. His dialysis social worker loves him; she's such a sweet woman. I have a headache, too much crying. I should take some Tylenol.... or go to sleep. Ok well this is it... I’ll write again soon Xo ~DRi