This one's a doozy.
Well, I'm not sure where to start with this one. So, I'll start at the present- I'm headed off to college Sunday. I don't technically start school at 'The' Ohio-State University until Sept. 23rd, but I have a week long leadership collabrative, and after that a week of Naval ROTC orientation (yes, that means you probably won't see much of me in the next two weeks guys, sorry.)
And... I've just been sitting here, awake, for once. I've been packing like hell and such, though I doubt most of this will fit in my room. Oh well. Anywho, as I prepare to leave home it's got me reminiscing... I guess people just do it sometimes in life when they meet landmarks in their journey.
This, however, is no ordinary step into college. I have to back peddle a little here, to about 2 weeks ago.
I've always tried to live my life pretty morally. I'm Roman Catholic, so being criticized as 'over religious' just kinda comes with the territory. I try not to push my beliefs on others as anyone should respect, but people know I'm serious about my faith. I've never given much time to thinking about sins, but everyone has their vices I suppose. If you would have asked me what life would be like now, 10 years ago, I would be dead wrong. You could say my vice is Lust. It's had me for some time now. ... A long time. I've had help in dealing with it, but not because I sought it. Hell, I never even wanted it, I was just fine living the way I was. I knew it was wrong, but like most people, just ignore those thoughts of eternal damnation and the like. Atleast, that was my case until 2 weeks ago.
I was RPing, I won't say what or with who, because it's not pertinent. All that matters is I got hit with what some people would call a conversion. They say no one ever has 'one' conversion, it's a process through life, really. I've always referred to them as 'brick walls', those things in life that shove you back on track. God hit me, and if you doubted it, he can hit pretty hard. I've done all the homework, I know what Lust is. The illusion of short term Love, with nothing to back it up, just a continuous cycle of nothing. It's almost like a Vampire that needs blood, always thirsty and it can never be quenched, just keeps sucking away until there's nothing left.
Well, the way this 'conversion' happened is the situation got me thinking about love. Not sure why, I've been presented with it before, that's why I saw it as a sign. Just... thinking about it makes me hurt. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I stayed awake all night one night, crying, because I felt -nothing-. Not sorrow, not fear, nor anger or happiness, or excitement or anguish. I felt....nothing, as if I wasn't even alive. As if I had no heart beating inside me. Guys that's.... that's the worst feeling in the world and I would give anything to keep from feeling it again.
So, my disposition slowly started to fall apart. Over the course of that week afterwards I couldn't stop thinking about it. I just had no love in my life, from anyone. I know my family loves me, my friends, God, but.... I couldn't feel it. Then, as if on cue, I felt something different. Something I haven't felt in a very, very long time.
When a loved one dies, people often cope by thinking about them, praying to them in times of need, talking with them, thinking of them standing by them. When my father died 9 years ago I.... didn't do any of that. Never. I don't know why, I just... never felt it. I always imagined my father as James McCloud watching over Fox. (one of the reasons I ever became a SF fan) I connected on a very deep level with them, it gave me some strand of hope for my life, I guess. But over the years things have happened that make me question what it would be like if he hadn't died, where I'd be, how I'd feel. My friends I've met because of his death mean everything to me, I can't take it as coincidence, I'm just not that kind of person. I've felt a calling in life to help people because of it. It started out small, helping to counsel people but it's become more than that, much more.
So last week... for the first time since he was alive and I could see him face to face.... I felt him. It freaked me out, for sure. But I couldn't cover it up, he was giving me a sign, that something big was going to happen. It was God's way of letting me know that he had a vocation in mind for me, and he was making clear to me of that.
I promised I wouldn't seek counseling about this, but I admitted to myself I had to talk to my priest for advice. My priest, Fr. May, is an awesome, holy man, just a great guy. He and I talked Thursday for a few hours. I was always unsure what my vocation in life would be. Sure, I'd thought about becoming a Priest before, but I never thought I could pursue it as my career in life. I'd thought about married life as well, but I was being frank with myself, thinking if it happened it happened, if not, then no. So, I stood by a life of singularity, until I knew. Well, it came to the point where I hit the fork in the road finally. I don't know which one he wants for me, but I know I'm meant for one of the two.
He made very clear that I -need- Love in my life, and he showed me, finally, the hole that's always been there. Lust has clouded my judgement for nearly 8 years, and it's been sucking at my life ever since, but now.... it's like I've been given a gift to see it, a pretty big grace, for sure. And for the first time in my life.... I -don't- want that Lust, I want to get rid of it, -finally-. It's going to be difficult, but I finally want to give it up, and for a good reason- for love. Whether I'm called to a wife with that bond of love in the future, or called calls me to serve him more directly as a Priest is still too far in the future to see, but when I get there, he'll let me know.
And as I sit here, preparing for college... I feel at peace, for the first time in nearly a decade. The sorrow of losing my father has cursed me for that long. Not being able to even honor him, or thing of his memory... it was wrong. It was a disgrace to do such a thing. But I can finally feel him. I've finally opened up myself enough that he can get through to me, and it feels great. It's true I won't see my father until the day God calls me from this earth, but in the meantime, it's nice to know he's by my side again, watching over me in all that I do. It helps make all the trials ahead seem a little more endurable.
If it's taught me anything that I could advise my friends, it's this- Keep your mind and your heart open, always, to what you are called to do. You may not hear anything at first, but if you stay open, you'll see the signs as plain as day, and you'll be thankful for it.
Goodnight guys.