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With some variations and caveats.
I think wedding gifts have historically been about setting up the new couple with the physical ware withal to run a household so they can go straight to the expensive business of having babies.
Clearly times have moved on.
What I would expect from a wedding party / gift arrangement is this.
As the hosts, if you are a relatively well off member of your community I would be expecting you to pay about the same or more for the wedding than you necessarily received in presents. If you are a relatively poor member of your community then I’d expect you to come out ahead of the game. I’d hope you came out ahead of the game. A bit of practical social socialism.
As a guest, if I were well off I’d expect to contribute a gift of greater value than the cost of the my share of the party. If I weren’t well off I’d expect to be contributing a thoughtful loving gift of smaller cash cost than my share of the party.
I’m totally okay with a couple who are not well off putting on a cheap wedding, registry office followed by reception in the local pub would be delightful.
I’d be totally okay with a couple saying something along the lines of “ We’d love to have lots of folk at our wedding but we’re broke so we’re going to do it on a pay and play basis. We’re going to organise a BBQ for the wedding reception, bring your own food and beer.” I’d accept that from a couple with limited cash resources and I’d expect to bring along an extra pack of sausages and a case of bubbly to share around. Or, as two friends of mine who got married straight out of uni were contemplating - wedding at the local church, guests break up to find their own food, reconvene for drinks and dancing. (As it happened they put on a more traditional wedding and I nearly snogged the most amazing woman.)
Actually, I’d totally be okay with this from any couple who said they weren’t keen to spend a large amount on the their wedding but wanted a big par
Pay and play weddings are fine with me if you are up front about it. If you are expecting cash gifts in exchange for the dinner and you don’t tell me than I won’t feel under any obligation to feel bad about not handing over some cash.
I’m totally fine with gifts from a registry or gift vouchers (vouchers is what MLW and I did.)
I wouldn’t necessarily be expecting a couple on their second marriage each to be receiving big wedding presents. Rich lawyers on their second marriage can expect a nice card.
I typically wouldn’t expect to be making a cash gift to a friend’s wedding. Not sure why I think vouchers are okay but cash not so much. Perhaps it’s something about the purpose of the wedding gifts being to set up a couple in a house. Vouchers for a department store I know stocks bed linen and crockery seem like a good proxy for actually buying the stuff. Cash, cash can be put in the bank and used to pay school fees.
For a junior relatives wedding (child, grandchild nephew etc) I’d expect to make a cash gift.
I am explicitly normalising gifts over all the weddings about a year either side of yours. If you are a modestly well off professional and getting married in the same year as a friend who is a struggling artist then I’m going to shift some of the gift allowance from you to them.
I appreciate that customs and etiquette vary considerably by country and community. The above is what I’d understand as normal.
I am, for the record, very bad at following my own norms on this.
I think the most important thing is for money not to be the focus of the celebration.
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I know only one couple who married without living together first; and they were living independently before marriage. So that's *zero* people who were in actual need of "setting up home" style gifts.
Some of these people asked for "nicer" versions of stuff they already had - a swanky coffee machine, really good knives, expensive bedding; some of them asked for consumable - wine, chocolates; some of them asked for charitable donations in their name; and yes, some of them asked for money (one couple had things like "a dinner in Venice" and "a night at the Ritz" on their list; rather than simply asking for "cash for the honeymoon" which I thought was quite sweet). (And some of them just said "no gifts please"). Oh and some of them had "bring and share" receptions where guests were expected to show up with food/drink to share.
My view on gift-asking etiquette is that you can ask for anything you please, but you may not get it. I think if you can't afford to cater it is better to have a reception where food is for sale to those who want it than to insist on "charging admission" but maybe that's just me. It is nice to ask for *something* because lots of people expect to give something and would like guidance.
(My view on "what sort of party should you have?" is "the one that you want to have and can afford to arrange"; and anyone who gets cross about it being the "wrong sort of party" is a jerk)
My view on gift-giving etiquette is that you should get something off the list (or nothing, I don't think gifts should be an obligation). Or ask the couple if your plan is acceptable. There are basically two problems with just going out and getting something you think makes a nice gift - one is that it may be utterly inappropriate for the couple (for instance food they can't eat), the other is that they may already have it (perhaps they didn't ask for a toaster because they *have three* and if five guests go and buy them a toaster "because everyone needs a toaster" that would be rather irritating). Obviously the closer you are to the couple the more likely your not-on-the-list gift is a good gift for them (but lots of weddings have large guest lists; including relatives of the happy couple who they only see a few times a year).
If you get gifts then I think you should be nice about them. Even if you don't like them tons. I think the closer I am to someone the less-annoyed I'd be if they told me my gift was unsuitable; especially if for instance the gift was unsuitable food (because they might *give me more* if we spend lots of time together).
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