Ministry to Those with Alternative Lifestyles by Fr. George Morelli
http://www.antiochian.org/content/ministry-those-alternative-lifestyles
Lack of love of neighbor (others)
Some of the alternative lifestyles fit into this category. These include gay and sexual fetishism, polyamory, polygamy, polygyny and swinging. In order to understand how these lifestyles fall far short of love of neighbor, true love of neighbor must be understood. St. Isaac the Syrian tells us that by "the superabundant outpouring of [our] love and compassion upon all men [we] resemble God." (Holy Transfiguration Monastery, 2011)
St. James tells us: "God is love." (1Ja 4: 6,16). On this Evdokimov (1979) comments:
[The Father is the] absolute beginning. . .of that 'eternal movement of love,' the circular movement of the Divine Life that comes out from the Father, manifests itself and speaks in the Son by the power of the Holy Spirit, in order to be plunged anew into the Father: the eternal generation and spiration going out from the source and returning to it.
We are made in God's image. (cf. Gn 1: 26-27). We know that this image is Trinitarian, One God in substance composed of three persons: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Bobrinskoy (1999) tells us: "It is the entire Trinity that "dwells in an inaccessible Light, and the economy of salvation falls within the mystery of love hidden since the foundation of the world" (as St. Paul says)."
The act of God in creating the cosmos, and mankind in particular, is also an act of love.
Thus, we have to start with the love God has and how our love has to resemble His love. Without such love the world and our lives have no meaning. Consider Staniloae's (1994) comment on this: "Apart from the existence of a perfect eternal love there can be no explanation for love in the world, nor is the purpose of the world at all evident."
It becomes immediately apparent that any sexual action outside of a blessed marriage is a lack of true love of neighbor. As Morelli (2008a) explains:
In the marital relationship two individuals become "one flesh;" a term that means that two individuals work in concert to become one in mind and heart. They are joined together in love in a way that replicates the Three Persons of the Trinity’s relation of love to each other. Becoming "one flesh" in a blessed marriage is an act of agape, a selfless giving of one to the other; a self-emptying (Greek: kenosis) in a manner like Christ when He took on human flesh and assumed human nature.
We can also reflect on St. Paul's understanding of marriage as the bond a husband and wife have to one another. In this regard, the writings of the Church Fathers on this topic can be the subject of a Scriptural-Patristic study on the true meaning of a Godly marriage.viii
In ministering to individuals with alternate lifestyles, the Socratic Method, discussed above, would be useful. Such questions would have to do with the compatibility of their lifestyle with living a Trinitarian-Christ-like kenotic life. Morelli (2010a) gives an example of the use of the Socratic Method in Holy Confession.ix However, most probably someone who has been committed to an alternative sexual lifestyle like the ones mentioned above would first seek some counseling before going to confession. If they made such an inquiry, they would certainly be at the very beginning of the first stage of the spiritual life, of which St. Nikitas states, "the purgative stage pertains to those newly engaged in spiritual warfare."
Example (the beginning of spiritual warfare)
Priest: "You said you are into some way out things. What kind of things are you into"?
Counselee: “Father, I'm into 'xxxxx'.”
Priest: "How long have you been doing this?"
Counselee: "A few years. I know it's wrong but I don't know why."
Priest: "Do you want to explore what God and His Church has told us is the way to live our lives with our sexuality?"
Counselee: "I know it's hard, but I would like to look into it and see if I can change. What is really hard is that we all do it as a group."
Priest: "How did you start living this way?"
Counselee: "My wife was my girlfriend then at the time we started, we thought it would be sexually exciting to have group sex. One thing led to another; we really got into it; now we live with two other couples and we all do it . . . you know, switch off with one another, like we are all 'married' to one another."
Priest: "Ok! I get the picture. Look, I can’t just tell you to not live a sexual lifestyle because that is the rule of the Church, you know, sort of like the driving rules listed in our State's Driver’s Manual. You know, like you will get a ticket if you change lanes without signaling, but this is like trying to control yourself out of fear. It doesn't work very well. There is a much better way to help."
Counselee: "What's that?"
Priest: "To understand God, (as best we can) how the Persons of the Holy Trinity relate to one another in a relationship of love, how He became man emptying Himself of His Divinity (kenosis) for our salvation and how Christ so loved His Church."
The reflections of the Fathers of the Church, such as the ones I mention in Endnote viii below, could be studied and applied to their own lives. This would be done in the spirit of Saint Chrysostom as he tells us the spiritual meaning of St. Paul's Epistle to the Ephesians (Eph 5:33): “‘Be loving’ (. . . present active imperative). To the husband he discourses concerning love, and commits to him this province of love. . . . thus binding him close together to her and cementing him to her.” (Hom. 20, P.G. 62:150 (col. 142).) (Orthodox New Testament, 2004).
Priest: "What does your lifestyle say about how you think and feel about the men and woman you are 'hooking up' with?"
The spiritual counseling continues by helping the counselee see that it is a lack of respect for a person made in God's image; it does not emulate the selfless love that God has Himself, or the selfless love God asks us to have for others; it is a self-centered act.
The humanly unimaginable difficulty in lifestyle change
Now, I am not under any illusion that making a lifestyle change is easy. In this regard, we can consider the psychospiritual anguish of the Prodigal (Parable of the Prodigal Son, Lk 15: 11-21),x which he only experienced when he was in the depths of despair feeding swine in swill and being separated from his father. (Morelli, 2010) Another good consideration for understanding the difficulty of lifestyle change, especially when others’ lives and the social pressures that would be imposed are factored in, would be to compare it to someone who for years was heavily into a strongly addictive drug such as heroin. For example, one study (Hammett, Roberts & Kennedy, 2001) indicated a recidivism rate of about 75% among heroin-addicted criminals.
. . .but with God
However, we must also consider Jesus’ words to his Disciples when they were dismayed at the difficulty of attaining salvation. Jesus had just said: “Verily I say to you, that a rich man, with difficulty, shall enter into the kingdom of the heavens. And again, I say to you, it is easier for a camel to pass through a needle’s eye than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.” (Mt.19: 23-24). But then Jesus continued, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” (Mt. 19:26). We also can look to the great penitents of the Church; probably one of the best known is St. Mary of Egypt (344-421 AD). Undoubtedly, before her 'conversion,' she certainly would be considered to have been living what in today's age is an alternative lifestyle. As we read from the Synaxarion of her Feast Day:
I was born in Egypt and my parents being yet alive, and I being a twelve year old girl, I left them and went to Alexandria. There I lost my chastity and gave myself over to unrestrained and insatiable fornication. For more than seventeen years I indulged licentiously and I did it all gratis. That I did not take money was not because I was rich. I lived in poverty and worked at a spinning-wheel. I thought that all the meaning of life consisted in satisfying fleshly lust . . . . But evidently, God desired my repentance, not the death of the sinner, with long-suffering patience awaiting my conversion.
Her life shows the importance for us of keeping focus on God's mercy, to repent, the first step in which is metanoia.
Metanoia
Careful reading of the Parable of the Prodigal Son will give us a glimpse of the meaning of metanoia. Under Abrahamic Law (Lv 11:3-8; Dt 14:3-21) it would be a major transgression for a Jew to eat swine and even to be associated with such animals, as they are "unclean” for them. Initially, the Prodigal Son was focusing on gaining his inheritance and the riotous living he was enjoying. But then he had a 'wake-up call,' a sudden insight; he found himself mired in swill feeding swine and separated from his Father. St. Luke tells us of the Prodigal's thinking: "But having come to himself. . . ." (Lk 15: 17) Thus the first step in metanoia is an insight, a 'realization leading to a change of mind. He had to leap beyond what he was previously focused on, what would be considered his sinful lifestyle, and thus begin a program of setting his life aright. Metanoia must lead to action. This is shown in the Prodigal's return to his father.
Metanoia eading to action for those living alternative lifestyle in the 21st century would take on different but similar challenges. Of course, keeping with the spiritual symbolism in the Parable of the Prodigal Son, it would mean a re-commitment and engagement with Christ and His Church. However, being actively committed to and engaged in appropriate healthcare treatment resources is also critical. This would include drug, alcohol and sexual treatment programs. These range from community programs such as outpatient type groups similar to Sexaholics Anonymous, to residential treatment centers.xi Learning the use of, and practicing, cognitive behavioral management techniques, which involve cognitive, stimulus and response management is critical in effecting lifestyle change.
Having no religious belief, pride and sensuous self-love
Referring again to a lifestyle-analysis based on the pilgrim's confession in The Pilgrim Continues His Way (French, 1996), I suggest that any alternate life-style involves elements of having 'no religious belief and being prideful (displayed in the form of sensuous self-love).' Uncovering the spiritual dimension of the lifestyle should be undergone under the guidance of an experienced spiritual director. This is someone to whom inner thoughts and feelings can be readily disclosed.
Qualities of someone giving spiritual direction
In discussing why St. Antony the Great was so sought out by his disciples, Hausherr (1990) states:
Antony [felt] the pain of others as if he himself had been the 'patient' (ton paschonta) and, on the other the discernment (diacrisis) that gave him experience in prescribing the appropriate remedy for each. Charity and discernment are pre-eminently qualities of a spiritual father.
St. Basil the Great provides a model for those ministering in the 21st Century to individuals with alternative styles. Hausherr comments on St. Basil's humane and psychological focus. He goes on to point out that St. Basil "recommended mercy and forbearance for the sinner, 'not by passing sins over in silence but by supporting with gentleness those who are recalcitrant, by applying the remedy with clemency and moderation.'"
Christ the ultimate healing physician
Christ is the one true high priest, and we, either in the royal priesthood by baptism or the ordained priesthood by the Holy Mystery of Holy Orders, are merely His instruments. As the Liturgy of St. John Chrysostom says of this: ". . . vouchsafe that these gifts may be offered unto Thee by me, thy sinful and unworthy servant: for Thou Thyself are He that offers and is offered, that accepts and is distributed, O Christ our God." So, too, it is Christ that is our heavenly physician and we are merely the tools of His healing hands. Yes, we are created with intelligence and called upon to use it, but it is Christ who is our ultimate heavenly physician and guide in any healing ministry. Once again, this is expressed so beautifully by St. John Chrysostom in his Divine Liturgy. Right before receiving the Eucharist, His very Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity we implore of him to ". . . heal the sick, Thou who art the physician of our souls and bodies."
Christ respecting the free will of His creatures
St. Matthew records how Jesus ministered to others:
And it came to pass, as He reclined at table in the house, also behold, many tax collectors and sinners came and were reclining at table with Jesus and His disciples. And after the Pharisees saw Him, they said to His disciples,“Why eateth your Teacher with the tax collectors and sinners?” And Jesus, having heard it, said to them, “They who are strong have no need of a physician, but they who are ill. “But go and learn what this is, ‘I wish mercy, and not sacrifice’: For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.” (Mt. 9:10-13)
As I point out in a previous article (Morelli, 2011), Christ did not coerce anyone to follow Him or do the Will of the Father. While always affirming the spirit and word of Divine Truth, He respected the free will of those around Him to accept or reject this Truth. In emulation of Christ, true priestly pastoring respects the free will of others, even those living alternative lifestyles. It is done by proclaiming and teaching God's word in charity while never departing from the mind and practice of Christ and His Church.
“I am the vine, ye are the branches. The one who abideth in Me, and I in him, this one beareth much fruit; for apart from Me ye are not able to do anything." (Jn. 15:5)