(no subject)
Okay, so I need to rant. No, actually, I don't. I just need a break. Which is hilarious since all this mess started from me taking too many breaks. But perhaps I was badly using them. Well, I certainly was badly using them, since I was supposed to do something instead of procrastinating for half a year, but what I mean: if I wanted to take a break I should use it wiser. I should sit somewhere alone in quiet and dark preferably. Away from people, studies, Internet and all this mess. I just... I need a break.
You know, it's like that. For most of my life I'm slightly disconected from reality. I don't react as strongly any sort of reactions, like excitement or anger pass really quickly. Like if I didn't have the emotional power enough to make them last. So I can get angry and spit venom, I can get excited and plan on doing something marvelous, and then I burn out. And it's not really annoys me as much as I hate the reactions people have to that. I mean, fine, I am a fail, who never finishes anything and never outlasted anyone in angry stuppor, but really? Some people can't hold their breath for long, I can't hold on to the emotions for long, is that really a reason to treat me as a fucking freak!?
Anyway, the worst times are when I have to feel. Because I do, there things that happen and just require sort of reaction whether I like it or not. And when lots of those things happen in a short time - I'm a mess. And they're not even big things. My roommate making out with her boyfriend too close to me. My apartment being constantly cold, because my roommate is a motherfucking Yeti. Me failing one test I was sure I will pass. Failing an exam I was sure I will pass. Watching the barely hidden smirks of all people who knew I thought I will pass this exam with no trouble. Moving out and trying to actually make everything fit in the bags I have. Worrying about the fact that I have no money. (I'm living on borrowed money and borrowing money to have a place to leave.) Fighting with my roommate over some stupid thing, because she's insane and when I dare to complain about something (apparently she's the only one allowed to complain about everything) she decides to slam the door all around the apartment and stay stubbornly silent. (And freeze me to death.)
And all those small things keep poking me and demand reactions and it's like a great mix of triggers slamming into me, and you know what? After months of not feeling any stronger emotions? IT IS TOO FUCKING MUCH. I just can't... I just can deal with this fucking reality. I hate it. I hate the fact that I feel emotionally overworked. I hate that my natural response is not: work on making it better. You're annoyed with the failing of the test? Study like mad. You're annoyed with fight with roommate? Apologize and joke and make it better. No, that would be too easy, wouldn't it? You want to know what's my natural reaction to too many feelings? Ranting, crying and getting deeper into feelingless parts of my psyche. I just withdrawl even further. So, now I'm ranting and crying a bit, but I can already feel it passing away. And I just want to curl into a ball, under my blankets and pretend the world doesn't exist. Too bad I have three exams next week and have to move out with my angry roommate tommorow. And I am freezing.
And I hate the fact that I'm so weak that I had to write this shit to make myself feel better. Sorry for being a fail. Once again.
You know, it's like that. For most of my life I'm slightly disconected from reality. I don't react as strongly any sort of reactions, like excitement or anger pass really quickly. Like if I didn't have the emotional power enough to make them last. So I can get angry and spit venom, I can get excited and plan on doing something marvelous, and then I burn out. And it's not really annoys me as much as I hate the reactions people have to that. I mean, fine, I am a fail, who never finishes anything and never outlasted anyone in angry stuppor, but really? Some people can't hold their breath for long, I can't hold on to the emotions for long, is that really a reason to treat me as a fucking freak!?
Anyway, the worst times are when I have to feel. Because I do, there things that happen and just require sort of reaction whether I like it or not. And when lots of those things happen in a short time - I'm a mess. And they're not even big things. My roommate making out with her boyfriend too close to me. My apartment being constantly cold, because my roommate is a motherfucking Yeti. Me failing one test I was sure I will pass. Failing an exam I was sure I will pass. Watching the barely hidden smirks of all people who knew I thought I will pass this exam with no trouble. Moving out and trying to actually make everything fit in the bags I have. Worrying about the fact that I have no money. (I'm living on borrowed money and borrowing money to have a place to leave.) Fighting with my roommate over some stupid thing, because she's insane and when I dare to complain about something (apparently she's the only one allowed to complain about everything) she decides to slam the door all around the apartment and stay stubbornly silent. (And freeze me to death.)
And all those small things keep poking me and demand reactions and it's like a great mix of triggers slamming into me, and you know what? After months of not feeling any stronger emotions? IT IS TOO FUCKING MUCH. I just can't... I just can deal with this fucking reality. I hate it. I hate the fact that I feel emotionally overworked. I hate that my natural response is not: work on making it better. You're annoyed with the failing of the test? Study like mad. You're annoyed with fight with roommate? Apologize and joke and make it better. No, that would be too easy, wouldn't it? You want to know what's my natural reaction to too many feelings? Ranting, crying and getting deeper into feelingless parts of my psyche. I just withdrawl even further. So, now I'm ranting and crying a bit, but I can already feel it passing away. And I just want to curl into a ball, under my blankets and pretend the world doesn't exist. Too bad I have three exams next week and have to move out with my angry roommate tommorow. And I am freezing.
And I hate the fact that I'm so weak that I had to write this shit to make myself feel better. Sorry for being a fail. Once again.