Eulogy
i'm tired. there is no other way to say it.
i am tired but i feel like i'm not doing anything. i have my movie plans but . . . right now . . . i still feel like i'm not doing anything. i feel like i'm stuck here wherever it is that i am.
i'm tired and lonely. Elise is busy so i don't see her much. and she's into this new makeover thing and she doesn't look the same. she didn't look like the Elise i met, the one that made me do a double take.
Lisa, maybe you can help me understand. you're doing the whole tweezing thing now and you put on all the makeup and did the hair; what's the deal?
why make a new face over God's creation? what is it about eyebrows that women don't like so much that they feel the need to change the shape?
now i didn't personally see her all made up . . . but her sister took pictures. all her friends were saying that she looked hot and like a different woman . . .
i saw the pictures . . . i didn't like them. i dunno, maybe they were bad pictures. i didn't like them. she didn't look pretty in them to me . . . she looked like someone else . . . not my Elise. she looked fake. like it wasn't her face.
ok . . . so i did like the hair. i'll give her that one. the hair was ok.
i don't like the make up. it was way too much. she looked like all the other girls at school. makeup caked on so thick that i couldn't see her face . . . just chemicals.
i didn't like the eyebrows either. i like her eyebrows the way they were. she said she didn't do it for anyone but her. they're her eyebrows . . .
i understand that. they are her eyebrows.
i'm tired. i don't know what i'm feeling. i guess that i'm feeling like my feelings are not of consequence. yeah, they are just eyebrows. but if this is where it starts, where does it end?
i started to grow a goatee. cos i wanted to see how it looked. i did it while she was in new york so she wouldn't see. i had planned to see how it looked and shave it. she doesn't like to kiss me when i haven't shaved so i didn't plan on keeping it. i wanted to shave it, but when i mentioned it to her, she said she wanted to see it. so i kept it. she likes the way i look with it. so i kept it. i don't need permission from her to shave it, but i know she liked it so i kept it despite my desire to shave it.
i had planned to get tattoos on my forearms for a while, years actually. i mentioned it to her and she told me she would not like it. she doesnt like tattoos on that part of the arm. i wanted one on my elbow . . . you guessed it, she doesn't like that one either. i probably won't get them now . . . probably, or if i do, or if i shave, it's something i'd run by her first. no, i don't need her permission. i am my own person. they are my arms, my elbow, and my face . . . but . . . if i'm gonna change my appearance in any way, i think, out of my affection and love for her, i should show her the courtesy of asking her what she thinks, and if she's ok with it. like i said, they are her eyebrows. it is her face, her hair . . . but i think that what hurts most is that i wasn't asked at all. not even out of curiosity. she mentioned the hair but made it clear that she was gonna do it. it wasn't a "hey what do you think of me cutting my hair?" it was a "hey, my hair will be significantly shorter when you see me next." yeah the makeup comes off. but i dont like seeing women in makeup, and i do have the underlying fear that she will keep wearing it despite me loathing it.
yeah, they are just eyebrows, her eyebrows, but its a change in the way she looks and it isn't that i had no say in it, its that my opinion didn't matter enough to even warrant me being asked.
and i'm tired. i'm lonely. she seems so far. she seems so different. the things that her roommates talk about. sometimes she says things and i dont know what brings them on. she says pure curiosity, but she's so vague with the questions that i never can tell if there is a curiosity that extends past the limits of what i'm thinking.
i just want to be important enough to her to warrant her considering, or at the very least asking, my ideas or opinions on things like eyebrows.
Lisa, should i tell her all this? how did you tell your boyfriend? i know you both talk through a lot of stuff; how did he react when you asked him what he thought of the idea of you plucking your eyebrows and cutting your hair?
i wanna tell her that i dont like them. truthfully, i want her to let them grow back. i want to ask her to let them grow back, but they are her eyebrows and i am afraid of her reaction. i am afraid that she'll think i'm trying to control her or manipulate her . . . if we get married, they'd be "my" eyebrows too . . .
*sigh* i'm not sleepy . . . but i am tired.
"and goodbye to everything. sayonara everyone. they are tired, write the eulogy. and i saw them as they passed, it was like a millstone cast far into the deep blue sea."
i am tired but i feel like i'm not doing anything. i have my movie plans but . . . right now . . . i still feel like i'm not doing anything. i feel like i'm stuck here wherever it is that i am.
i'm tired and lonely. Elise is busy so i don't see her much. and she's into this new makeover thing and she doesn't look the same. she didn't look like the Elise i met, the one that made me do a double take.
Lisa, maybe you can help me understand. you're doing the whole tweezing thing now and you put on all the makeup and did the hair; what's the deal?
why make a new face over God's creation? what is it about eyebrows that women don't like so much that they feel the need to change the shape?
now i didn't personally see her all made up . . . but her sister took pictures. all her friends were saying that she looked hot and like a different woman . . .
i saw the pictures . . . i didn't like them. i dunno, maybe they were bad pictures. i didn't like them. she didn't look pretty in them to me . . . she looked like someone else . . . not my Elise. she looked fake. like it wasn't her face.
ok . . . so i did like the hair. i'll give her that one. the hair was ok.
i don't like the make up. it was way too much. she looked like all the other girls at school. makeup caked on so thick that i couldn't see her face . . . just chemicals.
i didn't like the eyebrows either. i like her eyebrows the way they were. she said she didn't do it for anyone but her. they're her eyebrows . . .
i understand that. they are her eyebrows.
i'm tired. i don't know what i'm feeling. i guess that i'm feeling like my feelings are not of consequence. yeah, they are just eyebrows. but if this is where it starts, where does it end?
i started to grow a goatee. cos i wanted to see how it looked. i did it while she was in new york so she wouldn't see. i had planned to see how it looked and shave it. she doesn't like to kiss me when i haven't shaved so i didn't plan on keeping it. i wanted to shave it, but when i mentioned it to her, she said she wanted to see it. so i kept it. she likes the way i look with it. so i kept it. i don't need permission from her to shave it, but i know she liked it so i kept it despite my desire to shave it.
i had planned to get tattoos on my forearms for a while, years actually. i mentioned it to her and she told me she would not like it. she doesnt like tattoos on that part of the arm. i wanted one on my elbow . . . you guessed it, she doesn't like that one either. i probably won't get them now . . . probably, or if i do, or if i shave, it's something i'd run by her first. no, i don't need her permission. i am my own person. they are my arms, my elbow, and my face . . . but . . . if i'm gonna change my appearance in any way, i think, out of my affection and love for her, i should show her the courtesy of asking her what she thinks, and if she's ok with it. like i said, they are her eyebrows. it is her face, her hair . . . but i think that what hurts most is that i wasn't asked at all. not even out of curiosity. she mentioned the hair but made it clear that she was gonna do it. it wasn't a "hey what do you think of me cutting my hair?" it was a "hey, my hair will be significantly shorter when you see me next." yeah the makeup comes off. but i dont like seeing women in makeup, and i do have the underlying fear that she will keep wearing it despite me loathing it.
yeah, they are just eyebrows, her eyebrows, but its a change in the way she looks and it isn't that i had no say in it, its that my opinion didn't matter enough to even warrant me being asked.
and i'm tired. i'm lonely. she seems so far. she seems so different. the things that her roommates talk about. sometimes she says things and i dont know what brings them on. she says pure curiosity, but she's so vague with the questions that i never can tell if there is a curiosity that extends past the limits of what i'm thinking.
i just want to be important enough to her to warrant her considering, or at the very least asking, my ideas or opinions on things like eyebrows.
Lisa, should i tell her all this? how did you tell your boyfriend? i know you both talk through a lot of stuff; how did he react when you asked him what he thought of the idea of you plucking your eyebrows and cutting your hair?
i wanna tell her that i dont like them. truthfully, i want her to let them grow back. i want to ask her to let them grow back, but they are her eyebrows and i am afraid of her reaction. i am afraid that she'll think i'm trying to control her or manipulate her . . . if we get married, they'd be "my" eyebrows too . . .
*sigh* i'm not sleepy . . . but i am tired.
"and goodbye to everything. sayonara everyone. they are tired, write the eulogy. and i saw them as they passed, it was like a millstone cast far into the deep blue sea."