Devotions, depravity, discipline, desire...
I think feeling the mountain top high, whether we know it or not, is always and only the result of recieving a clear revelation of how great God's love for us is...which so often is hidden from our eyes by the things we think effect how He feels about us, but actually don't--like what we just did, what we haven't done today, how we don't feel, what we think we'd rather be doing than hanging out with Him...
I used to have a regular, lengthy devotions routine...one that I could rarely keep up with in the sense that it seemed like it should be getting longer every week, starting earlier in the morning than last month, and rarely felt like enough...rarely did I want to do it. I would be slated, say, to pray for fifteen minutes minimum, say...only to lift my head and look at the clock after a time, to see it was now only ten minutes later, and realize I had run out of things to pray well within two minutes, and the other eight I had spent daydreaming. This left me frustrated, rejected, and unworthy. I did it because it was...right, needed. Because you're supposed to read your bible and pray. I didn't mean for it to be this way, but without my knowing it, deep down I thought that performing this consistent routine could make God happy with me for that day, that it would help me feel less like I was unworthy and make me feel His love, which is what I craved experiencing more than anything, but could never quite could get to. Thee irony is, it was just one part of a big spiritual checklist that I was unaware I had constructed in order to feel like I was doing good and be able to accept that God could love me. But rarely did I feel sucessful with my devotions even, and I could almost never maintain the whole (invisible) checklist for one full day. Oftentimes It left me feeling rejected, a failure, and further from any revelation of God's love. As a result, I often turned my hardline attitude on other people, was easily critical and cold...it brewed up a very distorted picture of who God is, because I was never really with Him. That's another one of the sad ironies. For all I tried to do, all the time I tried to spend, rarely did I actually encounter anything life changing...so instead, I continued to impose more rules for the checklist, to try and fail harder, make the regiment even stricter, cut out more things in my life that seemed unspiritual and must be what was "getting in the way"...
I'm all for discipline. Consistency. But with spiritual things, things of passion...there's always a very-near danger that if you're doing it more to be consistent and good that your straining a gnat and swallowing a camel, so to speak... It's probably a sign that, either your doing it with a well-intentioned but potentially wrong motivation or missing the fundamental ingredient of the light of God's love for who you are...which is the starting point for any true devotion, scripturally.
These days I focus on--throughout the day--centering myself on the revelation of His love, remembering the cross as the great act which proves He does love me no matter how much what is going on right now makes it seem like He doesn't care; centering myself upon how scripture says He sees me/us, and repenting. Basically, fighting my minds starting point idea that He is mad at me, an angry God, disapointed, and distant, by instead thrusting in truth about His love for me in spite of all I just said, what I did yesterday, and what I am thinking right now.... These days, I read and pray and worship and journal...mostly when I crave and need to, often when I actually want to, but very rarely now when it's just "on my grocery list." Devotion, or an act of love is ALWAYS initiated by God. To put the same thing a bit differently, it is never truly devotion if it initiated by us, and not a response to Him... Not that we loved Him, but that while we were yet sinners, He did something about it--died for us, demonstrated His love. That applies to my 'devotional' life everyday. Because, everyday I am yet a sinner, and not that I love Him today, but that He has done something about the state of my soul and my life...He lives out His love, He speaks truth, speaks His word and His work on the cross. Only out of that can true devotion spring...a respose - the best we can ever do is respond to Him! At the same time, if we at any moment realize or live in light of that, which one of us who are His could do anything but respond with devotion? It's like...you can't help it! That is way different than going to God because (you think) you have to...that's a start, and sometimes that is all we have, I know, but if that is where we are most of the time, something is dangerously awry....I know, because it's my life story for the last three years now. It's been a long process...but it has rocked my world, shaken every part of me, and changed my life for the better...less and less doing because it's what I think good christians do, more and more responding out of desire, simply because He loves...
One part that is scary about going that route is...for someone who is so used to doing things mostly because they 'should,' because they are 'supposed to,' like I was (and still fight) doing....at the root of that fear of dismantling the mindset is, if you changed things and only did things like devotions when you were desiring it--to spend time with God, to enrich your soul, to communicate with Jesus, or to learn from scripture--what if you never want to do it! That's scary, when the only relationship and communication with God you have is predominantly out of obligation....because if you strip that away, NOW how do you relate to God? And yeah, for a while, because I was so steeped in doing it for the "Good christians do this!/discipline is more important than desire/God will be mad if I don't!" mentality, when I tried to get out of it and strip myself down to only what was truly in my soul to do....I did little of things like devotions, for a long period of time. Why? Because I had no revelation of His love and His true character... I craved it but doubted it was true, I couldn't see it, I had no grounds for it...and that was after years of serving Him as a "strong Christian," according to others. It was so scary, it was desert, it is like being a spiritual baby all over again for very long periods of time in certain areas. But over time, God has redeemed much of it. There is no turning back...but living in light of who He is, without the fear that if I don't do such and such, then I can't recieve His love like I need to... Now it's freeing. It's both a desperate brokenness, and a growing hunger. At this point, being a bunch of seasons into it (we're talking a good three years now) with a bunch more foward movement to go, instead of having to perform a checklist of near impossible tasks before I can show up at His door and hope to hear--maybe--that His anger is subsided, let alone that He actually loves me(?)...at times now, merely closing my eyes and remembering the truth of how good He is without needing to get past all I'm not before I even can get to Him...it puts me in position to realize that He is right here, and He has in a single moment transported you and I from the pit of sin, corruption, and depravity our souls wallow in almost every moment of our lives, right up to the mountain top pasture of who He is. And that makes it all worth it...all of it.
If any of this rings true for someone, I'd love to talk to about my messed up life, and the long process it's taken me through so far, with a lot more to go...
I used to have a regular, lengthy devotions routine...one that I could rarely keep up with in the sense that it seemed like it should be getting longer every week, starting earlier in the morning than last month, and rarely felt like enough...rarely did I want to do it. I would be slated, say, to pray for fifteen minutes minimum, say...only to lift my head and look at the clock after a time, to see it was now only ten minutes later, and realize I had run out of things to pray well within two minutes, and the other eight I had spent daydreaming. This left me frustrated, rejected, and unworthy. I did it because it was...right, needed. Because you're supposed to read your bible and pray. I didn't mean for it to be this way, but without my knowing it, deep down I thought that performing this consistent routine could make God happy with me for that day, that it would help me feel less like I was unworthy and make me feel His love, which is what I craved experiencing more than anything, but could never quite could get to. Thee irony is, it was just one part of a big spiritual checklist that I was unaware I had constructed in order to feel like I was doing good and be able to accept that God could love me. But rarely did I feel sucessful with my devotions even, and I could almost never maintain the whole (invisible) checklist for one full day. Oftentimes It left me feeling rejected, a failure, and further from any revelation of God's love. As a result, I often turned my hardline attitude on other people, was easily critical and cold...it brewed up a very distorted picture of who God is, because I was never really with Him. That's another one of the sad ironies. For all I tried to do, all the time I tried to spend, rarely did I actually encounter anything life changing...so instead, I continued to impose more rules for the checklist, to try and fail harder, make the regiment even stricter, cut out more things in my life that seemed unspiritual and must be what was "getting in the way"...
I'm all for discipline. Consistency. But with spiritual things, things of passion...there's always a very-near danger that if you're doing it more to be consistent and good that your straining a gnat and swallowing a camel, so to speak... It's probably a sign that, either your doing it with a well-intentioned but potentially wrong motivation or missing the fundamental ingredient of the light of God's love for who you are...which is the starting point for any true devotion, scripturally.
These days I focus on--throughout the day--centering myself on the revelation of His love, remembering the cross as the great act which proves He does love me no matter how much what is going on right now makes it seem like He doesn't care; centering myself upon how scripture says He sees me/us, and repenting. Basically, fighting my minds starting point idea that He is mad at me, an angry God, disapointed, and distant, by instead thrusting in truth about His love for me in spite of all I just said, what I did yesterday, and what I am thinking right now.... These days, I read and pray and worship and journal...mostly when I crave and need to, often when I actually want to, but very rarely now when it's just "on my grocery list." Devotion, or an act of love is ALWAYS initiated by God. To put the same thing a bit differently, it is never truly devotion if it initiated by us, and not a response to Him... Not that we loved Him, but that while we were yet sinners, He did something about it--died for us, demonstrated His love. That applies to my 'devotional' life everyday. Because, everyday I am yet a sinner, and not that I love Him today, but that He has done something about the state of my soul and my life...He lives out His love, He speaks truth, speaks His word and His work on the cross. Only out of that can true devotion spring...a respose - the best we can ever do is respond to Him! At the same time, if we at any moment realize or live in light of that, which one of us who are His could do anything but respond with devotion? It's like...you can't help it! That is way different than going to God because (you think) you have to...that's a start, and sometimes that is all we have, I know, but if that is where we are most of the time, something is dangerously awry....I know, because it's my life story for the last three years now. It's been a long process...but it has rocked my world, shaken every part of me, and changed my life for the better...less and less doing because it's what I think good christians do, more and more responding out of desire, simply because He loves...
One part that is scary about going that route is...for someone who is so used to doing things mostly because they 'should,' because they are 'supposed to,' like I was (and still fight) doing....at the root of that fear of dismantling the mindset is, if you changed things and only did things like devotions when you were desiring it--to spend time with God, to enrich your soul, to communicate with Jesus, or to learn from scripture--what if you never want to do it! That's scary, when the only relationship and communication with God you have is predominantly out of obligation....because if you strip that away, NOW how do you relate to God? And yeah, for a while, because I was so steeped in doing it for the "Good christians do this!/discipline is more important than desire/God will be mad if I don't!" mentality, when I tried to get out of it and strip myself down to only what was truly in my soul to do....I did little of things like devotions, for a long period of time. Why? Because I had no revelation of His love and His true character... I craved it but doubted it was true, I couldn't see it, I had no grounds for it...and that was after years of serving Him as a "strong Christian," according to others. It was so scary, it was desert, it is like being a spiritual baby all over again for very long periods of time in certain areas. But over time, God has redeemed much of it. There is no turning back...but living in light of who He is, without the fear that if I don't do such and such, then I can't recieve His love like I need to... Now it's freeing. It's both a desperate brokenness, and a growing hunger. At this point, being a bunch of seasons into it (we're talking a good three years now) with a bunch more foward movement to go, instead of having to perform a checklist of near impossible tasks before I can show up at His door and hope to hear--maybe--that His anger is subsided, let alone that He actually loves me(?)...at times now, merely closing my eyes and remembering the truth of how good He is without needing to get past all I'm not before I even can get to Him...it puts me in position to realize that He is right here, and He has in a single moment transported you and I from the pit of sin, corruption, and depravity our souls wallow in almost every moment of our lives, right up to the mountain top pasture of who He is. And that makes it all worth it...all of it.
If any of this rings true for someone, I'd love to talk to about my messed up life, and the long process it's taken me through so far, with a lot more to go...