standing above the bright-lit city
I've now been at Uni over 24 hours, internet. Fandom count so far: a girl and boy enthusing over "The Doctor's Wife" and opining about the Weeping Angels a few people behind me in line to register, one boy telling another at least part of the plot of SPN season 7 (my ears are primed to pick up any instance of "Castiel", even in a British accent) while at registration, and a boy behind me on the bus back from town who caused me to question the true depth of my immersion on the Teen Wolf fandom when my first thoughts about him were "Oh wow, look at those cheekbones/scruff, he looks like Derek."
Soooo, things that made me happy over the last ~week:
- Rihanna and Katy Perry at the VMAs. I SHIP IT.
- this lulzy and amazing artistic rendition of the first six Harry Potter books. ETA: now with all 7!
- this cartoon about a woman being followed around by a blue crocodile, representing her shyness. YESSSSSSSSS. It's no good trying to get rid of it, you have to just embrace it. (I've recced this studio before, they are awesome)
New icon <3 And uh, there's kind of a reason for that. Um. Okay so, remember how in my last post I talked about my version of the MyChem Saved My Life Helped Me A Bunch trope? And how I basically use TBP as a comfort blanket when I don't want to face the real world? Guess what I'm listening to right now. (for the record, I'm on "Disenchanted" as I type this, and I feel much better.) I just. I miss my parents. I miss the security of living at home, that brief recapture of childhood where everything was warm and fuzzy and my parents took care of everything and all I had to do (bar the odd huge blow-out argument with Dad about my future) was be there. Now I'm out, living on my own (though that's not a big deal - boarding school) and only coming home for the holidays, if that, and I just- *wibbles* That's what's hitting me every night, that's what hurts - that loss of- not 'childhood', but...family immediacy. Something. Now I have to be An Adult, or at least start practicing in earnest to be one, and it's not so much the not Knowing How (thefourthvine, I believe, dissuaded me of the notion that adults Know How a while ago) as the feeling that I've lost some kind of bond with my parents I can't get back. I don't know.
(Now is probably a good time to mention that this would be a lot easier if my parent's home phoneline/internet hadn't been disconnected in preparation for them moving back to the UK, that due to a long story my mobile's not with me and while I have Dad's as a replacement calling Belgium from the UK is expensive and also Mum rarely has her's on and never expects calls from us kids, and if my grandma wasn't on holiday in Canada. TL;DR internet, you are basically all I have for comfort right now. *clings*)
I mean, my parents are over on Friday, so it's not like I've got to wait a long time to see them. And I've been to boarding school, so this really should not be a problem. And 3/4 of my housemates have left their families behind on other continents, so I really have no right to complain. But. This fucking sucks and I hate it.
(sidenote: my housemates are most excellent. 4/5 of us are basically old-ass introverts and the remaining 1/5 is a nice girl with a really really sweet dude friend who's over all the time)
And while I'm here: MUSIC FEELS. So, the whole Black Parade era makes me all wibbly, but ever since 2006 I have had, on every portable music-playing device I have owned, the same playlist. It goes "Welcome To The Black Parade", "Famous Last Words" and "Heaven Help Us". (Honorary mention to "My Way Home Is Through You", because sometimes you just need to hear C'mon angel, don't you cry. And there has also been the LOTMS live version of "Headfirst For Halos", but that's for a whole 'nother screed of feels). And whenever I feel down, or like shit, or like I just cannot fucking deal with shit right now, I put them on shuffle and close my eyes. And it's the rising swell of the guitar in WTTBP (which I always remember from the VMA performance, a shot of Ray on the top of a skyscraper above the lit-up city); it's the last 40 seconds of FLW as the instruments drop away and it's just Gerard chanting I am not afraid to walk this world alone; it's the downward-winding (sorry, but one of the few things I get vaguely synaesthetic about are certain guitar parts) chorus guitar in HHU. And I feel safe, and I feel calmed, and I feel loved.
Other songs have been added to that playlist over the years - 30 Seconds To Mars's "Vox Populi"/"This Is War"/"Night Of The Hunter"/"Search And Destroy", Mika's "We Are Golden", Simple Plan's "This Song Saved My Life", fun.'s "Some Nights" - but these three always remain.
BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW TRULY EXCELLENT MY FANDOMS ARE BEING TO ME RN PLZ? BECAUSE SERIOUSLY. Exhibit 1: Marvel Phase Two movies are scattered throughout the next three years, culminating in Avengers 2 at just the right time to be either a reward for finishing my final exams or a well-deserved 'it's okay you've done all you can' break from revision for the same. Exhibit 2: if SPN really does run for 10 seasons (pleasepleaseplease) it will wind down at the same time (ohgodthefeels). AND EXHIBIT FUCKING 3: MY CHEMICAL FUCKING ROMANCE RELEASING CONVENTIONAL WEAPONS IN INSTALLMENTS UP TO MY BIRTHDAY. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU HOW DID YOU KNOW I NEEDED THAT RIGHT NOW? FUCKING BAND, I CAN'T, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP (never shut the fuck up)
Soooo, things that made me happy over the last ~week:
- Rihanna and Katy Perry at the VMAs. I SHIP IT.
- this lulzy and amazing artistic rendition of the first six Harry Potter books. ETA: now with all 7!
- this cartoon about a woman being followed around by a blue crocodile, representing her shyness. YESSSSSSSSS. It's no good trying to get rid of it, you have to just embrace it. (I've recced this studio before, they are awesome)
New icon <3 And uh, there's kind of a reason for that. Um. Okay so, remember how in my last post I talked about my version of the MyChem Saved My Life Helped Me A Bunch trope? And how I basically use TBP as a comfort blanket when I don't want to face the real world? Guess what I'm listening to right now. (for the record, I'm on "Disenchanted" as I type this, and I feel much better.) I just. I miss my parents. I miss the security of living at home, that brief recapture of childhood where everything was warm and fuzzy and my parents took care of everything and all I had to do (bar the odd huge blow-out argument with Dad about my future) was be there. Now I'm out, living on my own (though that's not a big deal - boarding school) and only coming home for the holidays, if that, and I just- *wibbles* That's what's hitting me every night, that's what hurts - that loss of- not 'childhood', but...family immediacy. Something. Now I have to be An Adult, or at least start practicing in earnest to be one, and it's not so much the not Knowing How (thefourthvine, I believe, dissuaded me of the notion that adults Know How a while ago) as the feeling that I've lost some kind of bond with my parents I can't get back. I don't know.
(Now is probably a good time to mention that this would be a lot easier if my parent's home phoneline/internet hadn't been disconnected in preparation for them moving back to the UK, that due to a long story my mobile's not with me and while I have Dad's as a replacement calling Belgium from the UK is expensive and also Mum rarely has her's on and never expects calls from us kids, and if my grandma wasn't on holiday in Canada. TL;DR internet, you are basically all I have for comfort right now. *clings*)
I mean, my parents are over on Friday, so it's not like I've got to wait a long time to see them. And I've been to boarding school, so this really should not be a problem. And 3/4 of my housemates have left their families behind on other continents, so I really have no right to complain. But. This fucking sucks and I hate it.
(sidenote: my housemates are most excellent. 4/5 of us are basically old-ass introverts and the remaining 1/5 is a nice girl with a really really sweet dude friend who's over all the time)
And while I'm here: MUSIC FEELS. So, the whole Black Parade era makes me all wibbly, but ever since 2006 I have had, on every portable music-playing device I have owned, the same playlist. It goes "Welcome To The Black Parade", "Famous Last Words" and "Heaven Help Us". (Honorary mention to "My Way Home Is Through You", because sometimes you just need to hear C'mon angel, don't you cry. And there has also been the LOTMS live version of "Headfirst For Halos", but that's for a whole 'nother screed of feels). And whenever I feel down, or like shit, or like I just cannot fucking deal with shit right now, I put them on shuffle and close my eyes. And it's the rising swell of the guitar in WTTBP (which I always remember from the VMA performance, a shot of Ray on the top of a skyscraper above the lit-up city); it's the last 40 seconds of FLW as the instruments drop away and it's just Gerard chanting I am not afraid to walk this world alone; it's the downward-winding (sorry, but one of the few things I get vaguely synaesthetic about are certain guitar parts) chorus guitar in HHU. And I feel safe, and I feel calmed, and I feel loved.
Other songs have been added to that playlist over the years - 30 Seconds To Mars's "Vox Populi"/"This Is War"/"Night Of The Hunter"/"Search And Destroy", Mika's "We Are Golden", Simple Plan's "This Song Saved My Life", fun.'s "Some Nights" - but these three always remain.
BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW TRULY EXCELLENT MY FANDOMS ARE BEING TO ME RN PLZ? BECAUSE SERIOUSLY. Exhibit 1: Marvel Phase Two movies are scattered throughout the next three years, culminating in Avengers 2 at just the right time to be either a reward for finishing my final exams or a well-deserved 'it's okay you've done all you can' break from revision for the same. Exhibit 2: if SPN really does run for 10 seasons (pleasepleaseplease) it will wind down at the same time (ohgodthefeels). AND EXHIBIT FUCKING 3: MY CHEMICAL FUCKING ROMANCE RELEASING CONVENTIONAL WEAPONS IN INSTALLMENTS UP TO MY BIRTHDAY. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU HOW DID YOU KNOW I NEEDED THAT RIGHT NOW? FUCKING BAND, I CAN'T, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP (never shut the fuck up)