Memphis Update
For those of you who have been following the story regarding my babies and their visit with their dad this summer...
At the end of July, I called Keith to put a bug in his ear about setting a return date for the kids. (This is what prompted the last-minute wedding and setting the return date on August 13th. ) I patiently waited a week, but heard nothing regarding their flights. I called again, and I could hear so much stress in Keith’s voice (wedding stuff) that I asked him if he wanted me to handle arranging their flights home - he gladly accepted my help. Apparently both he and BJ were completely overwhelmed with wedding plans, and I was panicked that they were going to drop the ball on this issue so I wanted to make sure it got done. (Side note: I was perversely amused at this stress - he told me repeatedly that they would just be going to city hall to get married and it wouldn’t be a big deal. Well, BJ revealed that she is, in fact, a girl just like the rest of us and he was knee deep in wedding insanity all over again. But I digress…)
A week before the kids were supposed to come home, I get an e-mail from BJ thanking me for taking care of the flights, but kind of indirectly making it known that I was inconveniencing the hell out of them by insisting that the kids come home on the 13th, instead of letting them stay a week longer as originally “agreed” (which, for the record, is bullshit - the original agreed date was the 7th - I extended it because he took so long getting the flight stuff taken care of so they could fly out there in the first place). Then she went on to say that they couldn’t possibly get the kids on a flight before 6pm because gee, they just can’t wake up to an alarm clock the morning after their wedding and they still need to pack the kids stuff and it may just have to wait. This is a cliff’s note’s version, but you get the idea. I was LIVID. However, I got a grip on myself and VERY calmly and nicely replied, but the message of my e-mail was, “If you guys can’t get them home on the 13th, then I will fly out there and get them myself”. End of discussion. Two days later, Keith called and took me up on the offer. He apologized profusely for asking but the bottom line is that he knew he wasn’t going to get the kids home on time with everything that was going on.
So, I was on a flight to Memphis at 8am Saturday morning. I landed at 6pm (the exact time of their wedding, ironically), rented a car, and drove to their house (where they’d left me a key under the mat). I walked in the door and was met with a disaster - the house looked like a bomb had gone off. It was beyond just filthy, it was cluttered and the kids’ stuff was scattered everywhere. There were roaches crawling on the floor of the hallway - I shit you not. The kids each had one clean outfit hanging in their closet, everything else they owned was in the hamper (to the point where Liam didn’t even have a clean pair of underwear). I had to clean their bedroom first in order to find all of their belongings - shoes were scattered everywhere, wet bathing suits were stashed under the bed, behind chairs, and the toys they’d brought with them were strewn all over the place. From what I could tell, the kids were not made to clean up once in the 5 weeks they were there. But, I just dealt with it - I was shocked, but the outcome was to get my kids and nothing was deterring me from that. By 9pm I was finished and had managed to find and pack all of their clothes. And even had airplane outfits laid out for the next day.
A relative dropped the kids off at the house at 10:30pm. (Keith and BJ said their goodbye’s to the kids at the wedding and stayed in a hotel that night.) They were both overjoyed to see me. Amazingly, I didn’t cry, but Bridget did. She was so sweet. After lots of hugs and kisses and cuddles and not letting me out of their sight, they both went into spaz-mode. Apparently they were both totally amp’d up from the chocolate fountain at the wedding (did I mention this was supposed to be a non-event civil ceremony? LOL.) After letting them run off their energy for a little while, I got them both ready for bed. They begged me to sleep with them, and I gladly accepted. It wasn’t just that I wanted to be with my little ones, I was also terrified of the condition of the bedding in the other rooms. At least I knew the kids room was clean now. Unfortunately I couldn’t sleep a wink. I was uncomfortable, anxious as hell to just get them home, and worried that I was going to oversleep. The only flight I could get us home on was a non-stop into LAX that left at 8:30am. So by 6am, the kids and I were in the rental car on our way back to the airport.
We got on the flight by the skin of our teeth, but thankfully everything went smoothly. Nate and his dad drove up to LAX to pick us up. When the kids finally saw Nate, they clung to him like little monkeys. It was so sweet. The kids and I slept most of the drive home - we were all exhausted.
The fallout from this trip started from the moment we got home:
1. Bridget broke down crying just seeing her room - she sat in the middle of the floor crying because she missed everything so much. She has decided that future visits to Memphis will be no more than 2 weeks. She felt this trip was just too long for her and her brother.
2. Bridget gained about 7 pounds while there. Apparently, the grandmother that was baby sitting them (Sherry) was not only feeding them insanely fattening foods, she was also letting them snack all day long to their heart’s content. None of the clothes Bridget brought to Memphis fit her anymore. I know 7 pounds doesn’t seem like that much, but when you put it on a 48” frame, it’s significant. We had to completely replenish her wardrobe (thanks to
chiarents for helping us in that endeavor!) This was why I mentioned having additional motivation for my own weight loss. She is going to grow up with very unhealthy attitudes towards food and her body if I don’t start teaching her a better way.
3. None of Bridget’s summer school work got done as promised - again, the lazy grandmother just didn’t make Bridget do it if she said she didn’t feel like it. We had to start from scratch and essentially put Bridget in a quasi-boot camp to try to get her up to speed in one week for the upcoming school year. She worked hard and she did great.
4. There were many broken promises: Bridget is a serious Elvis fan, and Keith promised to take her to Graceland. It never happened. He also promised to take her to several of the local amusement parks and horseback riding, but none of it ever happened. From what I have been able to piece together, the last 3 weeks of their visit was spent planning a wedding, not spending quality time with the kids. That is, of course, unless you count trips to David’s Bridal.
5. It took Bridget a few weeks to talk about it, but she is harboring a lot of anger towards Keith. She feels that he didn’t take very good care of them and feels unloved by him. However, she admits that BJ took very good care of them and made her feel very safe. Unfortunately, that’s not the person she needed to feel it from. What’s worse is that Bridget feels guilty for being mad at him. She doesn’t miss him and she’s feeling like a bad person because of it. We are slowly working with her and helping her understand that it’s okay to feel how she’s feeling, but it is not easy. It is probably going to take years before she comes to terms with this situation. And it pisses me off.
6. She woke up in the middle of the night screaming because she had a dream that Keith had been killed. In the dream, she said Daddy Nate was the one protecting her.
7. Liam, bless him, being a boy and only 4 years old sees everything in black and white. He’s home and everything is back to normal. No drama. The worst thing we’ve had to deal with from him is re-training him to clean up his messes.
8. Keith hasn’t called the kids since the day after we got back. Five weeks and counting…
9. Keith promised to start sending child support starting on his next payday. That was last week.
So there you have it. Keith hasn’t changed - his fathering is exactly as it was before he left them. And we all learned a lot about what the kids can handle and what they can’t. As for me, I’m going to give Keith a warning regarding the child support issue, and if he doesn’t follow through I’m just going to go to the State and file whatever paperwork is necessary. I also am going to talk to him about revising the visitation schedule. If he doesn’t agree, I’ll do it through the courts. I’m just tired of always being the nice, understanding one. They’ve taken advantage of me a lot - I’m well aware of this. I’ve had my reasons for taking it up till now, but things have changed and I’m done taking it.