(no subject)
It's been a very long time since I last posted on LiveJournal, with things going the way they've been I haven't had time to log on to Facebook for more than 3 or 4 minutes at a time either, as a result I think that my relay of goings on in my life has been sparse and incoherent. So I'm making some time to post about my life, where I'm at today, where I'm headed and why I've been so absent.
My life is changing.
For the past 3 months I've been buried shoulder deep in my work, barely keeping my head up, taking on project after project after project... I bury myself in my work, it's the one thing in my life that I have the most control over - the one thing that I can excel at without red tape, without having to negotiate much.
I like my job because I am always able to take on new challenges, to learn, to grow, and to produce artwork (written and imagery) that MILLIONS of people see around the world... it makes me feel wonderful to know that I influence so many people - and really every one is a winner in this field, this is not up for a debate - I'm not going to argue this point, this is the way I see it - sure there are victims, but for the most part everyone comes away happy. As for the artwork, you may debate that as well, but I'm writing a newsletter for hundreds of thousands of people in which there is clever quips and compelling imagery that I've put together entirely on my own then have had staff edit for me.
Lately I guess I've been taking on a little much though - too much on my plate - too many people need things from me now (I still have 500+ individual affiliates around the world who can access me at any moment of the day or night through email, phone, cell phone and 4 different forms of instant messenger. Not to mention the project that I have a had in prioritizing for the team and the management of the projects I've created... on top of this the projects that my bosses build for me... it's all gotten to be a little much - thankfully my bosses saw this and devised a solution before I even really knew how deep I was in - they hired a full time assistant just for me without me even asking! Wow!
As soon as they told me I was going to have an assistant I got to work on a list of things that I did that didn't really need my level of knowledge to do, within 20 minutes I had a small notepad page full of tasks that I was ready to hand off; I was ready for help right then and there but my assistant wasn't set to start for another 2 weeks on Dec. 20th.
With the move to the new house in August our expenses are adding up, mounting, surmounting. Account balances are close to $0 at the end of one pay period, then -$11... things just aren't adding up! We don't live a lavish life, we don't live outside of what I think our means should be. Having no money, living paycheck to paycheck... what happens if something unexpected happens? I've been working SOOOO hard, taking work home, I've learned SO much in the past year and have taken on so many new jobs - I NEED A RAISE!!! Dec 12th-ish I talk with my boss who is also my good friend, I tell him how things are financially for me, tell him of all of the tasks that I've taken on since my last raise, and let him know that I really need more money. He understands and says that he will talk to his boss once he's back from vacation (a week or so). Awesome, thank you for hearing me out! I know that it needs to happen and that it will so I will let it be and let it come to me.
Around this time (Dec 13th) I got a bit of a shock. My little little brother Nick (15) had come to visit me over Halloween and stayed for a few days, it was the first time that we'd seen each other in well over a year or even really talked for that matter. With all of the mama drama and his age it just didn't work out, but he joined Facebook finally AND got his own phone, so the lines of communication were opened and within weeks he came to visit, then we saw him again a few weeks later at my Grannys house in Fresno. After the second visit together he had told me that Mom misses me and cries whenever Nick gets to visit, he said that she told him that she never ever wanted to hurt me and that she wants to be a mother and daughter again.
Wow, am I ready for this? What does this mean? Mother and Daughter? Do I really even know what that means on the daughter side of things? Like Me and Anakah? Is that possible? No! Not like me and Anakah, it could never be like that, it never was like that. Well then, what CAN it be, if anything? A disaster, pain, anguish, abuse?... Nick assures me that his Mom doesn't hit him anymore and isn't verbally abusive - I can tell in his demeanor that he believes what he's saying, which is wonderful, I'm so glad that Nick has the chance to grow up and not go through that anymore. So So glad! He says she doesn't hardly ever drink anymore, hasn't in years. I'm really happy for him, he's moving forward and his life is on track... he's a really good kid now.
I believe that people evolve, progress, become better...well, we're capable of it, it's really a choice isn't it? So I believe that she could have changed - I sure have! This doesn't modify our past in any way, but could it have bearing on our future? It could, possibly, I suppose. Am I ready... well, I'm not sick, or in pain, or hurting over anything right now; my days and nights are filled with work, family, and necessity; but it's supposed to happen then things will come together. I will allow it to happen, whatever it is.
So we text a bit for a day, Deborah and I, about inconsequential stuff... nothing with meaning or significance. Nick comes to visit for Christmas for a week, Deborah comes to pick him up intending to spend time with me before she leaves, but she gets terribly sick and is stuck in bed (at my Dads' house) for 2 days, then they go home. She texts me before she leaves and says maybe next time I am in Fresno I can make time to see her - and that's where we left it (Jan. 2).
How do I tell her without hurting her that the door is open but that _I_ didn't break it so I'm not going to go out of my way to fix it? I don't have the time when I work at work and I work at home and I have 2 kids and a husband-ish and friends... so busy. When I go to Fresno to visit family its forced down-time... time moves slowly there and sometimes I just need that peace in my life, a SAFE place to go where everything is ALWAYS going to be OK, I can't sacrifice that. I need Fresno to be my safe harbor, I don't go there often, but when I head over as soon as I get in the car all of my stress starts to melt away. No where else does that happen, I'm not going to dare risk tainting that.
No, the door is open, but I'm not going to run a marathon just to walk through. And to be honest I may choose to close the door again after giving a fair shot, but I will allow this to happen whatever it is.
Rewind - other things are happening! My assistant started! I'm giving her so much work that she's got her plate overflowing with to-do's, my plate seems just as full as it normally does but I'm feeling a lot more pro-active. My assistant is smart, and a hard worker, and we get along really well, I'm starting to feel on top of my game again, in control, powerful because I have the time to go after what I want to tackle as opposed to fixing problems as they come my way.
Week after Christmas something happens with my car, it's making a terrible noise, Subaru says not to drive it but they can't see me for nearly a week, so I get a rental for a week (with what money, right?, but I have a house guest and we need to go places), at this point I really need more money. I haven't heard from my boss about that raise yet and his boss is back from vacation, so I wrote a letter listing my new tasks and asking for a little help. The next day my boss comes over and asks to use my computer... he writes that I will have a raise of 10% retroactive to the first.
All is brilliant and OK in my world. We're going to be OK. The Universe is providing for me when I need it- just as I knew it would, and I deserve to not suffer - I give so much.
Work is extremely rewarding for me, I feel very valuable, though I don't have the time to keep up with you guys as much as I would like I expect that in a month I will be settled in and will be taking breaks again... this LJ is going to make it so I have to work extra tonight, but it needed to be written. I'm not sure what's going to happen with Deborah, I think she likes the idea of us being close but neither of us really knows what that means, and I don't really think it's a high priority for either of us after all of this time. I'm not really letting it get to me that this chapter between us is unfinished... it will do what it will do.
So that's what's been going on :)
My life is changing.
For the past 3 months I've been buried shoulder deep in my work, barely keeping my head up, taking on project after project after project... I bury myself in my work, it's the one thing in my life that I have the most control over - the one thing that I can excel at without red tape, without having to negotiate much.
I like my job because I am always able to take on new challenges, to learn, to grow, and to produce artwork (written and imagery) that MILLIONS of people see around the world... it makes me feel wonderful to know that I influence so many people - and really every one is a winner in this field, this is not up for a debate - I'm not going to argue this point, this is the way I see it - sure there are victims, but for the most part everyone comes away happy. As for the artwork, you may debate that as well, but I'm writing a newsletter for hundreds of thousands of people in which there is clever quips and compelling imagery that I've put together entirely on my own then have had staff edit for me.
Lately I guess I've been taking on a little much though - too much on my plate - too many people need things from me now (I still have 500+ individual affiliates around the world who can access me at any moment of the day or night through email, phone, cell phone and 4 different forms of instant messenger. Not to mention the project that I have a had in prioritizing for the team and the management of the projects I've created... on top of this the projects that my bosses build for me... it's all gotten to be a little much - thankfully my bosses saw this and devised a solution before I even really knew how deep I was in - they hired a full time assistant just for me without me even asking! Wow!
As soon as they told me I was going to have an assistant I got to work on a list of things that I did that didn't really need my level of knowledge to do, within 20 minutes I had a small notepad page full of tasks that I was ready to hand off; I was ready for help right then and there but my assistant wasn't set to start for another 2 weeks on Dec. 20th.
With the move to the new house in August our expenses are adding up, mounting, surmounting. Account balances are close to $0 at the end of one pay period, then -$11... things just aren't adding up! We don't live a lavish life, we don't live outside of what I think our means should be. Having no money, living paycheck to paycheck... what happens if something unexpected happens? I've been working SOOOO hard, taking work home, I've learned SO much in the past year and have taken on so many new jobs - I NEED A RAISE!!! Dec 12th-ish I talk with my boss who is also my good friend, I tell him how things are financially for me, tell him of all of the tasks that I've taken on since my last raise, and let him know that I really need more money. He understands and says that he will talk to his boss once he's back from vacation (a week or so). Awesome, thank you for hearing me out! I know that it needs to happen and that it will so I will let it be and let it come to me.
Around this time (Dec 13th) I got a bit of a shock. My little little brother Nick (15) had come to visit me over Halloween and stayed for a few days, it was the first time that we'd seen each other in well over a year or even really talked for that matter. With all of the mama drama and his age it just didn't work out, but he joined Facebook finally AND got his own phone, so the lines of communication were opened and within weeks he came to visit, then we saw him again a few weeks later at my Grannys house in Fresno. After the second visit together he had told me that Mom misses me and cries whenever Nick gets to visit, he said that she told him that she never ever wanted to hurt me and that she wants to be a mother and daughter again.
Wow, am I ready for this? What does this mean? Mother and Daughter? Do I really even know what that means on the daughter side of things? Like Me and Anakah? Is that possible? No! Not like me and Anakah, it could never be like that, it never was like that. Well then, what CAN it be, if anything? A disaster, pain, anguish, abuse?... Nick assures me that his Mom doesn't hit him anymore and isn't verbally abusive - I can tell in his demeanor that he believes what he's saying, which is wonderful, I'm so glad that Nick has the chance to grow up and not go through that anymore. So So glad! He says she doesn't hardly ever drink anymore, hasn't in years. I'm really happy for him, he's moving forward and his life is on track... he's a really good kid now.
I believe that people evolve, progress, become better...well, we're capable of it, it's really a choice isn't it? So I believe that she could have changed - I sure have! This doesn't modify our past in any way, but could it have bearing on our future? It could, possibly, I suppose. Am I ready... well, I'm not sick, or in pain, or hurting over anything right now; my days and nights are filled with work, family, and necessity; but it's supposed to happen then things will come together. I will allow it to happen, whatever it is.
So we text a bit for a day, Deborah and I, about inconsequential stuff... nothing with meaning or significance. Nick comes to visit for Christmas for a week, Deborah comes to pick him up intending to spend time with me before she leaves, but she gets terribly sick and is stuck in bed (at my Dads' house) for 2 days, then they go home. She texts me before she leaves and says maybe next time I am in Fresno I can make time to see her - and that's where we left it (Jan. 2).
How do I tell her without hurting her that the door is open but that _I_ didn't break it so I'm not going to go out of my way to fix it? I don't have the time when I work at work and I work at home and I have 2 kids and a husband-ish and friends... so busy. When I go to Fresno to visit family its forced down-time... time moves slowly there and sometimes I just need that peace in my life, a SAFE place to go where everything is ALWAYS going to be OK, I can't sacrifice that. I need Fresno to be my safe harbor, I don't go there often, but when I head over as soon as I get in the car all of my stress starts to melt away. No where else does that happen, I'm not going to dare risk tainting that.
No, the door is open, but I'm not going to run a marathon just to walk through. And to be honest I may choose to close the door again after giving a fair shot, but I will allow this to happen whatever it is.
Rewind - other things are happening! My assistant started! I'm giving her so much work that she's got her plate overflowing with to-do's, my plate seems just as full as it normally does but I'm feeling a lot more pro-active. My assistant is smart, and a hard worker, and we get along really well, I'm starting to feel on top of my game again, in control, powerful because I have the time to go after what I want to tackle as opposed to fixing problems as they come my way.
Week after Christmas something happens with my car, it's making a terrible noise, Subaru says not to drive it but they can't see me for nearly a week, so I get a rental for a week (with what money, right?, but I have a house guest and we need to go places), at this point I really need more money. I haven't heard from my boss about that raise yet and his boss is back from vacation, so I wrote a letter listing my new tasks and asking for a little help. The next day my boss comes over and asks to use my computer... he writes that I will have a raise of 10% retroactive to the first.
All is brilliant and OK in my world. We're going to be OK. The Universe is providing for me when I need it- just as I knew it would, and I deserve to not suffer - I give so much.
Work is extremely rewarding for me, I feel very valuable, though I don't have the time to keep up with you guys as much as I would like I expect that in a month I will be settled in and will be taking breaks again... this LJ is going to make it so I have to work extra tonight, but it needed to be written. I'm not sure what's going to happen with Deborah, I think she likes the idea of us being close but neither of us really knows what that means, and I don't really think it's a high priority for either of us after all of this time. I'm not really letting it get to me that this chapter between us is unfinished... it will do what it will do.
So that's what's been going on :)