longest entry ever
i hate being sunburned. i hate being sick. i am both right now so im not in the greatest of moods. my shoulders hurt right along with my throat and my eyes. i think that they are going to fall out. my mom is taking me to the doctor tomorrow cuz i cant even put in my contacts. boo.
i still have about a billion thank you notes to write. i feel bad but im not good at writing those. they are so bland and they end up being all the same just because i feel rushed and i dont kno what else to say. they are the worst things ever to do and i feel bad because i am thankful but i dont kno how to say it differently ten thousand times.
today i went to a wake. it was really sad because it was a kid who was 14 years old. its hard to imagine what his family is going thru. my sister is that age and if something happened to her i dont kno what i would do. death is so sad and its such a hard thing for me to understand. and death comes in 3 so im kinda wondering what next. its a long story but it always seems to work out that way.
i realized today that i havent had a boyfriend in a really long time. its weird to think about cuz ive been with people and ive dated but i havent had a boyfriend boyfriend in a long time. its nice in some ways but then it would also be nice to be able to have something official besides the guy that im seeing or the other that im dating. i cant seem to settle on just one person. i think its cuz im scared of getting stuck with that person. its so weird the way that things turned out. like in 8th grade if you were with someone then they were your boyfriend no questions asked. they did not look at another girl without starting a huge fight about it. ah the drama of the good old days. now its gotten so much more complicated with the whole are we seeing each other or are we just dating or are you my boyfriend and all this. then there are all the rules that people have to come up with like can we date other people and how far physically can we go with them and all this. its too complicated for me. i may as well become a nun. um on second thought no i think that ill just try and figure out the whole relationship thing. plus i dont think that i can be a nun. i dunno im not really up on that kind of stuff.
sometimes i look at my mom and wish that her and i could get along and be friends for a change. i kno that its normal for a mother and daughter to fight but i dont think that its normal for a mother to tell her daughter that she wants her out of the house asap and that she cant wait until her daughter can get an apartment on her own. sometimes i look around and i cant wait until im out of my house but then other times i really dont want to leave. i could leave right now and move in with this person rent free and be out of the house but i dont want to leave my mom. its just a crappy situation to be in. i dunno. most of all i wish that i could stop lying to my mom and that i could tell her things that she prob should kno but doesnt want to. some of the stuff shed have to be blind and deaf not to kno whats going on but it would be nice if i could talk to her about things and if she could talk to me about things. her and i are like strangers living in the same house but neither of us knos how to fix the situation or want to make the first move.
if i have to lie about stuff then i kno that i most likely shouldnt be doing whatever it is that im lying about but i still do it anyway. its kind of frustrating. it feels like im another person outside of myself watching myself do these things but i cant stop myself. i sit there and think why the hell did i do that and i cant really seem to answer that question. lately ive wanted to go back and see what my life would be like if i hung out with different people or if i never took that first hit or if i never tried this drug or did stuff with that person. i really wonder what my life would be like if i never did any drug or never had sex. i look at people like that and they seem happy with themselves and with their lives and its sad really cuz i kno that im not happy with the way things are right now and i could be but something is in my way but i just cant seem to get around it. i dunno its confusing and im getting a headache with all of this thinking.
i have the whole day off tomorrow. oh wait im sick. whatever that wont stop me from doing something even if that something is just sitting outside and writing thank you notes. i hope everyone has a wonderful tomorrow!!!!!!