Not 'The One': Diary Of Every Other Girl
There's an Anne Frank quote about how wonderful it is not to have to wait an instant to change the world. And I was trying to apply that to my own life, because I was tired of being a miserable, bitter girl that tries to get people to hurt 10 times more than they hurt her.
Background: the ex called. Yeah, THAT one. The one kind of stuck with you in a weird way. I won't get into details, but we had a pretty intense month or so of dating before some shady shit went down. Since we both love drama more than Michelle loves Obama (awesome!), it dragged out way too long, a month or so (and one very long, painful 4 hour fight in an Uno's). Then it stopped. Until he called.
Everything came to a head this weekend when we had the fight of all fights. Seriously, this fight should have been in some training video on how to deal with emotional abuse, it was that classic. It was that sucky, too.
And I sat on Monday morning, trying to figure out how to deal with this new level of hurt he had me on, and then, luckily, a light bulb went off in my head.
I tried being angry, yelling, screaming, trying to get him to see my point of view.
And not to get all Dr. Phil, but how was that working for me?
It didn't.
New approach.
I think one of the biggest things I've learned this year is acceptance. I've learned to see the truth in things, and with truth comes acceptance. I can't say that I accept everything that's happened. But I'm working towards it.
The truth I have to accept here is that I'm not different to him. He doesn't want me the way I want him to. He never will. I'm just the girl after her ex and before his next. And stomping my feet, crying, yelling at him, or being wonderful, giving him everything he wants, won't change it. It just won't. I can't say I full have accepted that, but I'm working on it every single day. It's getting a little easier.
And we're not right for each other in the long run. We're both interested in only the chase. He'll get bored with me. I'll get bored with him. He doesn't mean anything he says. I can probably do better. He can too. One day, he'll stop calling. I'm just like every other girl to him. He's only calling me because he's lonely. I'm only answering because I am too. And one day, he'll find a prettier girl, that's funnier, and really doesn't put up with his BS.
As crazy as it is to believe, there's a girl like that out there. And he'll find her. He's very ambitious like that (that is to say, he probably won't but he'll think he did ;) ).
Maybe I'm stupid to think that anticipating heartbreak will make it hurt less. But when I think about it, how can he possibly break my heart any more? Hook up with other girls? Tell me extremely sweet things that he just doesn't mean? Manipulate me? Completely disappear from my life and just stop calling when he finds someone cuter? He's done all that. And I'm still breathing. I'm still a good, funny girl that any guy would be lucky(ish) to have.
It actually has little to do with him. Because when you make something your life, jogging, work , a cute EMT. . .then when your leg gives out or he does find someone cuter, you're left broken and with nothing. That's one of the hardest things for me to learn: Everything in moderation. Even good things. Especially good things. Be adventurous in finding new, different good things so your happiness isn't dependent on one good thing. And enjoy a good thing when you've got it. Because it disappears faster than you think. . .
So here's the new game plan: enjoy things while they're good. Accept that you have a good thing. And when it stops being good, move on to another good thing. A lot of my bitterness and anger comes from the fact that I take good things for granted and don't enjoy things while I have them. So when I look back at them, I can't be happy they happened, I'm just pissed off they're gone. So I'm going to enjoy the fact that a cute, funny, outgoing guy likes me enough to spend a lot of the little free time he has, with me.
OK, so maybe I have a little guilt and anguish over the fact that I let him win, I let him cheat and pretty much get away with it (even 9 months later). I don't think I'll ever really forgive myself for that. But honestly, living my life with a heart full of only kindness, joy and love. . .that is something I can feel good about (shmaltz police, make an arrest). It's time to enjoy life. It's time to find happiness where ever I can get it. I don't want to be the miserable, lonely girl that hurts people because she hurts.
In a weak moment I might feel like I need to go back into being that girl to get what I want, but in the end, the only thing that wins is kindness, openness. As I said before (last year actually), this isn't about who cheated on who and got away with it, who broke who's heart, being wronged, it's about when it all falls apart, will I be OK? And a girl that deals with only kindness and positivity will be OK, no matter where life takes her. . .even if the road is through rough patches like heartbreak.
It's really, really tough for me to just let go of things and be positive and upbeat and happy (for no reason). But I just have to keep in mind that I am in control of how I react to things, how I deal with things, and my attitude. No, it's not easy, but the great thing about that is that I really can change it. In an instant. Just like that.
Background: the ex called. Yeah, THAT one. The one kind of stuck with you in a weird way. I won't get into details, but we had a pretty intense month or so of dating before some shady shit went down. Since we both love drama more than Michelle loves Obama (awesome!), it dragged out way too long, a month or so (and one very long, painful 4 hour fight in an Uno's). Then it stopped. Until he called.
Everything came to a head this weekend when we had the fight of all fights. Seriously, this fight should have been in some training video on how to deal with emotional abuse, it was that classic. It was that sucky, too.
And I sat on Monday morning, trying to figure out how to deal with this new level of hurt he had me on, and then, luckily, a light bulb went off in my head.
I tried being angry, yelling, screaming, trying to get him to see my point of view.
And not to get all Dr. Phil, but how was that working for me?
It didn't.
New approach.
I think one of the biggest things I've learned this year is acceptance. I've learned to see the truth in things, and with truth comes acceptance. I can't say that I accept everything that's happened. But I'm working towards it.
The truth I have to accept here is that I'm not different to him. He doesn't want me the way I want him to. He never will. I'm just the girl after her ex and before his next. And stomping my feet, crying, yelling at him, or being wonderful, giving him everything he wants, won't change it. It just won't. I can't say I full have accepted that, but I'm working on it every single day. It's getting a little easier.
And we're not right for each other in the long run. We're both interested in only the chase. He'll get bored with me. I'll get bored with him. He doesn't mean anything he says. I can probably do better. He can too. One day, he'll stop calling. I'm just like every other girl to him. He's only calling me because he's lonely. I'm only answering because I am too. And one day, he'll find a prettier girl, that's funnier, and really doesn't put up with his BS.
As crazy as it is to believe, there's a girl like that out there. And he'll find her. He's very ambitious like that (that is to say, he probably won't but he'll think he did ;) ).
Maybe I'm stupid to think that anticipating heartbreak will make it hurt less. But when I think about it, how can he possibly break my heart any more? Hook up with other girls? Tell me extremely sweet things that he just doesn't mean? Manipulate me? Completely disappear from my life and just stop calling when he finds someone cuter? He's done all that. And I'm still breathing. I'm still a good, funny girl that any guy would be lucky(ish) to have.
It actually has little to do with him. Because when you make something your life, jogging, work , a cute EMT. . .then when your leg gives out or he does find someone cuter, you're left broken and with nothing. That's one of the hardest things for me to learn: Everything in moderation. Even good things. Especially good things. Be adventurous in finding new, different good things so your happiness isn't dependent on one good thing. And enjoy a good thing when you've got it. Because it disappears faster than you think. . .
So here's the new game plan: enjoy things while they're good. Accept that you have a good thing. And when it stops being good, move on to another good thing. A lot of my bitterness and anger comes from the fact that I take good things for granted and don't enjoy things while I have them. So when I look back at them, I can't be happy they happened, I'm just pissed off they're gone. So I'm going to enjoy the fact that a cute, funny, outgoing guy likes me enough to spend a lot of the little free time he has, with me.
OK, so maybe I have a little guilt and anguish over the fact that I let him win, I let him cheat and pretty much get away with it (even 9 months later). I don't think I'll ever really forgive myself for that. But honestly, living my life with a heart full of only kindness, joy and love. . .that is something I can feel good about (shmaltz police, make an arrest). It's time to enjoy life. It's time to find happiness where ever I can get it. I don't want to be the miserable, lonely girl that hurts people because she hurts.
In a weak moment I might feel like I need to go back into being that girl to get what I want, but in the end, the only thing that wins is kindness, openness. As I said before (last year actually), this isn't about who cheated on who and got away with it, who broke who's heart, being wronged, it's about when it all falls apart, will I be OK? And a girl that deals with only kindness and positivity will be OK, no matter where life takes her. . .even if the road is through rough patches like heartbreak.
It's really, really tough for me to just let go of things and be positive and upbeat and happy (for no reason). But I just have to keep in mind that I am in control of how I react to things, how I deal with things, and my attitude. No, it's not easy, but the great thing about that is that I really can change it. In an instant. Just like that.