Farewell To The Old Me
I'll be honest, my last entry was bullshit.
Well, not all of it, just the part at the end where I said I know I'll be OK. Not that I didn't think it could possibly be true, or it would eventually be true, but I didn't FEEL it.
The good news is I feel it now.
I've learned so much in the past 6 months or so, mainly that you just can't hide from the truth. You can, especially if you have an exceptional denial system like yours truly, but life is much better/more simple when you learn to just accept it.
And the truth is. . .my life as I know it is over. My life is no longer working the way that it is right now. Things have changed. I feel like I'm living in a period of my life that has passed; almost like I can look back on it. And it's not even like this is upsetting, or tragic, or sad, or even shocking; it's just fact. It's just the way it is. It's just time to change. (How empowering?)
I just hope it sticks. I mean, I know this epiphany (an Oprah aha! moment) is here to stay because it's true, it's just about the courage to do the right thing and start making big changes in my life. I know that if I just let this feeling fade and not act on it, I'll be miserable because I'll just be running from the truth; that I need to make a change, that it's time, that I'll be better off just moving on now. It won't be easy, I guess that's what scares me.
I need to make a mess of my life. What do I have to lose? I mean the foregone conclusion is that I will be a 35 year old, unmarried cat lady (the truth doesn't have to be glamourous). BUT, I'm not there yet. I'm 23. I have 11 years to play around with before I can officially become full out, cry-with-a-bottle-of-red-wine-on-a-Thursday-night-alone-and-chew-on-Zoloft-as-after-dinner-mints depressed about not having a life. Might as well make the most of these years, right? In the meantime, I'm a wonderful 20 something. I need to make my mistakes now so I can become a seasoned 30 something.
I think I was caught up in my parents expectations, or the traditional path with no room for mistakes: Go to school, meet your spouse, get a job, get married, have a family. . .some variation on that (what my brother Ed is doing). But the truth is (the truth I can't run from) that I'm a little too free spirited for that. That path doesn't work for everyone. I need some time to figure out where I "belong". I need to "find myself". These are things I know my parents would roll their eyes at, but I gotta do it. There's no other choice. And the way I know this is because since I decided this last night, I've been happier/more calm than I've been in months.
I could get mad that I wasted 2 years, weak and unempowered and scared and mad at a dead end job, but I've come to accept that change only happens when you're ready. I just wasn't ready. Until now.
Like, when I broke up with the boy, I was so sure that I would be OK. I was so sure that I deserved better. I would have bet all of my Dawson's Creek and Golden Girls DVD's on it. And then I got sick, and scared. And alone. And I grew weak, and tired, and afraid to deal with life. In that short time with him, I had gotten used to depending on someone else, and thinking that I needed someone else to make my life better, or to validate me. And when I realized it was really over for good, I thought I just wouldn't be OK ever again, which is ridiculous, but actually, it's true. I wouldn't have been OK ever again.
But I realized. . . the girl that broke up with him because she knew she deserved better than someone that cheated on and manipulated her? The girl that knew she shouldn't ever settle? THAT girl WILL be ok. She WAS worth it. She was 'really something'. I lost her for awhile, but I'm turning back into her.
I'm turning back into the girl that knows that the hard road sucks, but it needs to be taken. That you need to get a little mud on the tires to get anywhere. No, moving on won't be easy. Just worth it.
Well, not all of it, just the part at the end where I said I know I'll be OK. Not that I didn't think it could possibly be true, or it would eventually be true, but I didn't FEEL it.
The good news is I feel it now.
I've learned so much in the past 6 months or so, mainly that you just can't hide from the truth. You can, especially if you have an exceptional denial system like yours truly, but life is much better/more simple when you learn to just accept it.
And the truth is. . .my life as I know it is over. My life is no longer working the way that it is right now. Things have changed. I feel like I'm living in a period of my life that has passed; almost like I can look back on it. And it's not even like this is upsetting, or tragic, or sad, or even shocking; it's just fact. It's just the way it is. It's just time to change. (How empowering?)
I just hope it sticks. I mean, I know this epiphany (an Oprah aha! moment) is here to stay because it's true, it's just about the courage to do the right thing and start making big changes in my life. I know that if I just let this feeling fade and not act on it, I'll be miserable because I'll just be running from the truth; that I need to make a change, that it's time, that I'll be better off just moving on now. It won't be easy, I guess that's what scares me.
I need to make a mess of my life. What do I have to lose? I mean the foregone conclusion is that I will be a 35 year old, unmarried cat lady (the truth doesn't have to be glamourous). BUT, I'm not there yet. I'm 23. I have 11 years to play around with before I can officially become full out, cry-with-a-bottle-of-red-wine-on-a-Thursday-night-alone-and-chew-on-Zoloft-as-after-dinner-mints depressed about not having a life. Might as well make the most of these years, right? In the meantime, I'm a wonderful 20 something. I need to make my mistakes now so I can become a seasoned 30 something.
I think I was caught up in my parents expectations, or the traditional path with no room for mistakes: Go to school, meet your spouse, get a job, get married, have a family. . .some variation on that (what my brother Ed is doing). But the truth is (the truth I can't run from) that I'm a little too free spirited for that. That path doesn't work for everyone. I need some time to figure out where I "belong". I need to "find myself". These are things I know my parents would roll their eyes at, but I gotta do it. There's no other choice. And the way I know this is because since I decided this last night, I've been happier/more calm than I've been in months.
I could get mad that I wasted 2 years, weak and unempowered and scared and mad at a dead end job, but I've come to accept that change only happens when you're ready. I just wasn't ready. Until now.
Like, when I broke up with the boy, I was so sure that I would be OK. I was so sure that I deserved better. I would have bet all of my Dawson's Creek and Golden Girls DVD's on it. And then I got sick, and scared. And alone. And I grew weak, and tired, and afraid to deal with life. In that short time with him, I had gotten used to depending on someone else, and thinking that I needed someone else to make my life better, or to validate me. And when I realized it was really over for good, I thought I just wouldn't be OK ever again, which is ridiculous, but actually, it's true. I wouldn't have been OK ever again.
But I realized. . . the girl that broke up with him because she knew she deserved better than someone that cheated on and manipulated her? The girl that knew she shouldn't ever settle? THAT girl WILL be ok. She WAS worth it. She was 'really something'. I lost her for awhile, but I'm turning back into her.
I'm turning back into the girl that knows that the hard road sucks, but it needs to be taken. That you need to get a little mud on the tires to get anywhere. No, moving on won't be easy. Just worth it.