TMI: A Day In The Life Of Andrea
Hi kids.
I'm not dead. I'm in the process of dying (more on that in a bit), but this is a note to say that I'm not dead.
I'm sorry I haven't updated (as if you noticed) but it's been really hard for me lately. Last time I updated feels like a million and a half years ago. I wanted to do a nice little wrap up of 2007, and talk a little bit about the things going on in 2008, but honestly, there is so much ground to cover, the task seemed too daunting. So I'll condense what I was going to say.
2007 was a fabulous year for me. I was able to get my head together enough to make some really incredible, positive changes in my life. I'm not even just talking about losing a whopping 75ish pounds for the year, but through that I was able to see that there's a pretty fabulous girl hiding in here that was just WAITING to bust out. It's funny because in January of '07, I wrote in my paper journal about how perfection is impossible and self defeating, and how you won't change into a perfect person the instant it becomes 2007 so: "I decided that I'm interested in the journey. . .The issue is who I will be in DECEMBER 2007. " And I can honestly say, I really liked that girl. Bubbly, witty, friendly, not morbidly obese, able to stand up for herself when necessary, a "glow" about her (yes, someone actually told me that. . .although you can't really believe anything out of his mouth). No, I wasn't perfect, but I was about as good as I've been. And that's pretty wonderful. Once you realize that you can't be perfect, and your imperfections actually make you MORE likeable, well, that's extra wonderful. (Did you know I hit every one of my New Year's resolutions?)
Unfortunately in 2008 I've taken a few steps back, already. But I'm desperately trying to recaputure what I lost in the past couple of weeks. It's been so hard, especially knowing that what's needed to fix it is exactly what you don't want to do (go out and try to make things better). But once you get into that mindset of feeling hopeless, it's so hard to get out. Plus, this year I've had a lot of really weird health issues. One weekend I literally couldn't move from my bed. And for the past week or so, I haven't been hungry once. Fabulous right? Not so much, because eating is like my hobby. It's like, one of my favorite things to do. So seeing food and not feeling like I should eat it is not only weird for me, but very upsetting. Don't ask why. It just is. I guess the difference is that now, I actually listen when my body tells me it's not hungry, whereas before, I'd just be like "Shut up Stomach, it's PIE" and just eat. So when my body tells me it's not hungry, I don't eat (I know, it was a hard concept for me to grasp too). I mean, I've been eating when I feel I should, but not a lot because it doesn't really do anything for me. I've also been really tired and sluggish (probably from not eating as much), and that's been really freaky too.
Either way, I need to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, and WebMD isn't helping. Just try and type in "loss of appetite". There's a list of 315 afflictions, not the least of which is heart failure. Loss of appetite is a symptom of EVERYTHING. I went to the gynocologist (for the first time. . .luckily there were no horror stories. . .that's another thing I was gonna write about but was too tired to) and told him how my period just drops in whenever it gets around to it and only hangs around for like, a day (I know, TMI), and I got a blood test done, and have a follow up for results on Tuesday. Hopefully I'll figure out what the hell is wrong with me.
That's another thing: I really don't trust doctors. Sure they went to school and know a whole bunch of stuff, but really it's just guessing. My brother confirmed it; basically med school just teaches to you guess better. And they back up their best guess with a medication I have to put into MY body, and who the hell knows long term effects of medications? I know I'm nuts. And don't tell me there's medication for that, because I'll kill you. That's another thing; I've been really anxious lately. I don't really know why. Certain things just make me anxious in a way I've never really been before, and I won't get more detailed because then you'll really think I should be committed, but the body falling apart along with my mind going nuts, It's not very pretty. Well, the face still is (At least I still have the sense of humor ;)).
I guess some of the grief is the boy situation. I don't want to get into the details here, but basically my life was getting waaay too Lifetime movie for me. I made a bunch of mistakes that I probably could have avoided if I was a little smarter or more experienced, but getting over him was WAY harder than I ever expected. I'm still not sure I'm completely over him. Unfortunately the way we left it gave me more questions than answers, and I'm afraid if I try and get any more closure I'll just end up confusing myself more, so I just need to get over it now and be done with it (seriously, who procrastinates getting over someone?!?! Only me.). I guess most of it is coming to terms with the fact that what you want isn't what you need. I've never been good at that. I was so sure when it ended that I would be fine, and that I'd be stonger after going through it, but now I'm not so sure, you know? What I have to remind myself is that I worked WAY too hard to let that bring me down. And there's plenty more where that came from. And if I learned anything from 2007, it's that although they suck, setbacks are the only way to make sure you'll get better.
Anyway, the moral of the story is that I did a lot of good, and it's time to finish the project. I just have to get up the courage to do some more changing, and have faith that everything works out. Maybe not for the best, but it all ends up OK. I've been lucky. I can't complain. I'm glad I got that off my chest. Aren't you? Anyway, a happier entry next time. I'll make sure of it. 2008 will not suck. 2007 Andrea is making sure of it :).
I'm not dead. I'm in the process of dying (more on that in a bit), but this is a note to say that I'm not dead.
I'm sorry I haven't updated (as if you noticed) but it's been really hard for me lately. Last time I updated feels like a million and a half years ago. I wanted to do a nice little wrap up of 2007, and talk a little bit about the things going on in 2008, but honestly, there is so much ground to cover, the task seemed too daunting. So I'll condense what I was going to say.
2007 was a fabulous year for me. I was able to get my head together enough to make some really incredible, positive changes in my life. I'm not even just talking about losing a whopping 75ish pounds for the year, but through that I was able to see that there's a pretty fabulous girl hiding in here that was just WAITING to bust out. It's funny because in January of '07, I wrote in my paper journal about how perfection is impossible and self defeating, and how you won't change into a perfect person the instant it becomes 2007 so: "I decided that I'm interested in the journey. . .The issue is who I will be in DECEMBER 2007. " And I can honestly say, I really liked that girl. Bubbly, witty, friendly, not morbidly obese, able to stand up for herself when necessary, a "glow" about her (yes, someone actually told me that. . .although you can't really believe anything out of his mouth). No, I wasn't perfect, but I was about as good as I've been. And that's pretty wonderful. Once you realize that you can't be perfect, and your imperfections actually make you MORE likeable, well, that's extra wonderful. (Did you know I hit every one of my New Year's resolutions?)
Unfortunately in 2008 I've taken a few steps back, already. But I'm desperately trying to recaputure what I lost in the past couple of weeks. It's been so hard, especially knowing that what's needed to fix it is exactly what you don't want to do (go out and try to make things better). But once you get into that mindset of feeling hopeless, it's so hard to get out. Plus, this year I've had a lot of really weird health issues. One weekend I literally couldn't move from my bed. And for the past week or so, I haven't been hungry once. Fabulous right? Not so much, because eating is like my hobby. It's like, one of my favorite things to do. So seeing food and not feeling like I should eat it is not only weird for me, but very upsetting. Don't ask why. It just is. I guess the difference is that now, I actually listen when my body tells me it's not hungry, whereas before, I'd just be like "Shut up Stomach, it's PIE" and just eat. So when my body tells me it's not hungry, I don't eat (I know, it was a hard concept for me to grasp too). I mean, I've been eating when I feel I should, but not a lot because it doesn't really do anything for me. I've also been really tired and sluggish (probably from not eating as much), and that's been really freaky too.
Either way, I need to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, and WebMD isn't helping. Just try and type in "loss of appetite". There's a list of 315 afflictions, not the least of which is heart failure. Loss of appetite is a symptom of EVERYTHING. I went to the gynocologist (for the first time. . .luckily there were no horror stories. . .that's another thing I was gonna write about but was too tired to) and told him how my period just drops in whenever it gets around to it and only hangs around for like, a day (I know, TMI), and I got a blood test done, and have a follow up for results on Tuesday. Hopefully I'll figure out what the hell is wrong with me.
That's another thing: I really don't trust doctors. Sure they went to school and know a whole bunch of stuff, but really it's just guessing. My brother confirmed it; basically med school just teaches to you guess better. And they back up their best guess with a medication I have to put into MY body, and who the hell knows long term effects of medications? I know I'm nuts. And don't tell me there's medication for that, because I'll kill you. That's another thing; I've been really anxious lately. I don't really know why. Certain things just make me anxious in a way I've never really been before, and I won't get more detailed because then you'll really think I should be committed, but the body falling apart along with my mind going nuts, It's not very pretty. Well, the face still is (At least I still have the sense of humor ;)).
I guess some of the grief is the boy situation. I don't want to get into the details here, but basically my life was getting waaay too Lifetime movie for me. I made a bunch of mistakes that I probably could have avoided if I was a little smarter or more experienced, but getting over him was WAY harder than I ever expected. I'm still not sure I'm completely over him. Unfortunately the way we left it gave me more questions than answers, and I'm afraid if I try and get any more closure I'll just end up confusing myself more, so I just need to get over it now and be done with it (seriously, who procrastinates getting over someone?!?! Only me.). I guess most of it is coming to terms with the fact that what you want isn't what you need. I've never been good at that. I was so sure when it ended that I would be fine, and that I'd be stonger after going through it, but now I'm not so sure, you know? What I have to remind myself is that I worked WAY too hard to let that bring me down. And there's plenty more where that came from. And if I learned anything from 2007, it's that although they suck, setbacks are the only way to make sure you'll get better.
Anyway, the moral of the story is that I did a lot of good, and it's time to finish the project. I just have to get up the courage to do some more changing, and have faith that everything works out. Maybe not for the best, but it all ends up OK. I've been lucky. I can't complain. I'm glad I got that off my chest. Aren't you? Anyway, a happier entry next time. I'll make sure of it. 2008 will not suck. 2007 Andrea is making sure of it :).