....its a lil late...but here it is...
one of my friends pointed out that i didnt put one of the turning points in why i wanted to change. and what had happened this weekend that made me so upset. so here it is (copied from my other journal)...
"yesterday after i got off work thomas called...i dont know why though..he said he was w/ matt and wanted to hang out...so i said sure..hopeing i could tlak to mat....but it was a diff matt they work w/...so i went w/ them...so i could hang out and stuff. i just wanted to hang out and stuff. well we went to wabash to get something for matts car. then linz called...and we went to fishers. we got a hotel for all of us to hang out in, so i called tori and she came over w/ jen and denny. so linz wasnt there yet. well matt and thomas went to go get alcohol.
tori came over w/ a bunch of alcohol too. i didnt drink...it was kinda shocking, but i didnt. i did smoke though...but anyways...so me and tori talked a bit. thomas started hitting on me...major. and i thought 'thats kinda werid'...but then when i was in the shower...he tried to come in...and i started freaking out. when i got dressed and went out to ask tori what to do, he asked me why i didnt invite him. when i got to tori, i was almost in tears and i knew i couldnt do anythign w/ him. i love justin still....i dont think that will change anytime soon.
so then thomas still wanted me to sleep w/ him. he was partially drunk...and he wanted to drink some more....so i just told him to do that...and not to worry about it. then he kept drinking...and as he got durnker and drunker he got more and more violent and mean. he kept getting possesive of me. he would tell me to come to him...in the most serious voice ive heard. so i would go over and he would tell me to do things...like once he told me he liked me...and then he told me to look him in his eyes and tell him i liked him too...i did it, b/c i was scared of him...he looked so ...i dont know...like he would hit me.
another time i was laying on the bed w/ jen...at the end where tori and linz were on the floor. and he sat down at the other end and told me to come to him again. i didnt for a while b/c i was uncomfortable w/ it. but then he kept like gabbing my leg and pulling me to him. it hurt. so i went down there and he kept telling me to kiss him. when i would say no hed push me...and he got very violent. then when he kept making me sit w/ him he would try to kiss my neck and stuff...tori and linz said it looked like i was going to gag. i cant even imagine the way my face was. i was so scared. i would try to get him to back off, but he wouldnt. i kept going to the other side of the room, but he would follow.
then him and matt went to matts car to listen to a song or something. so then tori started laughing and said 'OH MY GOD! he gave you a hickey!!!'.....OH MY GOD! i ran to the bathroom and flipped on the light...sure enough...my right side of my neck in the back...there was a nice lil red marks...they said it looked like he had broken skin....i was so mad! i decided that i needed some coffee...so we made some. and i drank some of that...
then the guys came back, and tori linz were on matts bed and jen and denny were in thomas'...thomas got violent just in talking..it was really scary. i dont know..most of the night i was scared. he finally yelled at jen and denny enough to make them move...so then he and matt laid down and he pushed me on the bed too. and held me there...he kept saying stuff like 'you had better not go to fort wayne to see any of your exes!! or ill dump you'....i wasnt even aware we were dating?...so i was just like'...ok...' and then he said osme more stuff like 'i love you' and stuff...i was kinda thinkin' this is kinda weird.
then one time he todl me he loved me then looked me dead in the eyes and said 'if you tell me you love me, ill marry you'.....i got really scared...and said 'your just drunk' and he got mad at me...he kinda tried to like hit me...but it didnt work...he didnt have too much energy. so a few minutes after that, i tried to get up and he tightened his grip and asked where i was going...i told him i was leaving. and he said 'no youre not...im not letting you'...i think this was when i was worried the most.
i kept telling him i was going and i told him he was scaring me....he kept appologizing, but i just wanted to leave. so then i finally got away from him...i used all of my strength to do it though. and then me and my friends left...i packed everything of mine back up...and we were walking out when thomas realized i was leaving...like the hotel. and he got really mad again, so i told him i would talk to him later, and i was just going to go. and i left...we i almost ran down the hall...i was so scared.
so then we went to toris and stayed there...and then linz took me to work this morn...wow...this weekend...just blew....but from now on...its a new andie....im going to change...this is a new beginning... "
im not sure what else to say...that night...wasnt good...at all.
"yesterday after i got off work thomas called...i dont know why though..he said he was w/ matt and wanted to hang out...so i said sure..hopeing i could tlak to mat....but it was a diff matt they work w/...so i went w/ them...so i could hang out and stuff. i just wanted to hang out and stuff. well we went to wabash to get something for matts car. then linz called...and we went to fishers. we got a hotel for all of us to hang out in, so i called tori and she came over w/ jen and denny. so linz wasnt there yet. well matt and thomas went to go get alcohol.
tori came over w/ a bunch of alcohol too. i didnt drink...it was kinda shocking, but i didnt. i did smoke though...but anyways...so me and tori talked a bit. thomas started hitting on me...major. and i thought 'thats kinda werid'...but then when i was in the shower...he tried to come in...and i started freaking out. when i got dressed and went out to ask tori what to do, he asked me why i didnt invite him. when i got to tori, i was almost in tears and i knew i couldnt do anythign w/ him. i love justin still....i dont think that will change anytime soon.
so then thomas still wanted me to sleep w/ him. he was partially drunk...and he wanted to drink some more....so i just told him to do that...and not to worry about it. then he kept drinking...and as he got durnker and drunker he got more and more violent and mean. he kept getting possesive of me. he would tell me to come to him...in the most serious voice ive heard. so i would go over and he would tell me to do things...like once he told me he liked me...and then he told me to look him in his eyes and tell him i liked him too...i did it, b/c i was scared of him...he looked so ...i dont know...like he would hit me.
another time i was laying on the bed w/ jen...at the end where tori and linz were on the floor. and he sat down at the other end and told me to come to him again. i didnt for a while b/c i was uncomfortable w/ it. but then he kept like gabbing my leg and pulling me to him. it hurt. so i went down there and he kept telling me to kiss him. when i would say no hed push me...and he got very violent. then when he kept making me sit w/ him he would try to kiss my neck and stuff...tori and linz said it looked like i was going to gag. i cant even imagine the way my face was. i was so scared. i would try to get him to back off, but he wouldnt. i kept going to the other side of the room, but he would follow.
then him and matt went to matts car to listen to a song or something. so then tori started laughing and said 'OH MY GOD! he gave you a hickey!!!'.....OH MY GOD! i ran to the bathroom and flipped on the light...sure enough...my right side of my neck in the back...there was a nice lil red marks...they said it looked like he had broken skin....i was so mad! i decided that i needed some coffee...so we made some. and i drank some of that...
then the guys came back, and tori linz were on matts bed and jen and denny were in thomas'...thomas got violent just in talking..it was really scary. i dont know..most of the night i was scared. he finally yelled at jen and denny enough to make them move...so then he and matt laid down and he pushed me on the bed too. and held me there...he kept saying stuff like 'you had better not go to fort wayne to see any of your exes!! or ill dump you'....i wasnt even aware we were dating?...so i was just like'...ok...' and then he said osme more stuff like 'i love you' and stuff...i was kinda thinkin' this is kinda weird.
then one time he todl me he loved me then looked me dead in the eyes and said 'if you tell me you love me, ill marry you'.....i got really scared...and said 'your just drunk' and he got mad at me...he kinda tried to like hit me...but it didnt work...he didnt have too much energy. so a few minutes after that, i tried to get up and he tightened his grip and asked where i was going...i told him i was leaving. and he said 'no youre not...im not letting you'...i think this was when i was worried the most.
i kept telling him i was going and i told him he was scaring me....he kept appologizing, but i just wanted to leave. so then i finally got away from him...i used all of my strength to do it though. and then me and my friends left...i packed everything of mine back up...and we were walking out when thomas realized i was leaving...like the hotel. and he got really mad again, so i told him i would talk to him later, and i was just going to go. and i left...we i almost ran down the hall...i was so scared.
so then we went to toris and stayed there...and then linz took me to work this morn...wow...this weekend...just blew....but from now on...its a new andie....im going to change...this is a new beginning... "
im not sure what else to say...that night...wasnt good...at all.