thoughts in my head...
i have so many thoughts just running around in my head...i just need to get them out...here it goes..
~mom...i have forgiven you...but thoughts dont stop...i cant forget what happened...i had nearly gotten that done though...but then it was brought up again...im sorry for bringing it up..but it was a thought in my head...and i had to write about it, or else i would get no sleep. it kept bothering me that it was on my mind...so i just had to get it out...
~my 'relationship' w/ jusitn...or whatever we are...its so confusing. i just want to be w/ him sooo much...i feel so strongly about him, that it drives me insane. every second i think about how he is doing and what he is doing. hes the reason ive made it this far. w/o him...i dont know. we had so much, i wish i didnt ruin it...but i know i did. it kills me. i love him more than anything or anyone else. i know he is the one for me...and i will do anything in my power to make sure my future is w/ him. he is the only person i want to be w/...i need to be w/.....i cant see my future w/o him.
~my health....oh god, i dont know what to do. ive started to pray again...not only for justin now. but for my health. i dont want to discuss details...not in here...but im so scared right now. i dont know whats going on...some nights ill wake up w/ the pain...and i dont know whats going on...but i cant breathe...sometimes i think that it will all end...and i wont have to deal w/ anything im thinking aobut right now. im not sure which one i would want...b/c i want so much to be w/ justin...but then if im not around, i dont have to worry about anything again. just to give up....but id ont know if i have that kind of will power...im just so weak, that i think that whatever happens...happens.
~i have court tomm...and im so nervous...even though nothing is going to happen tomm...it still makes me nervous...and whats worse is that i thought justin was going to be there w/ me when i went through all of this...but they split our court dates up...:( now ill have no one. im so worried.
~my future...i guess that has to do w/ justin quite a bit. ive been thinking about marriage quite a bit lately. esp since watching that movie today. i just want to be w/ the one...the one is justin and i just know it. i wish he could see it too. i would be sooo great to him...w/ a second chance...i would do everything in my will to make him happy. i miss him and his touch and everythign about him sooo much. osmetimes ill look at him and wish i was in his arms..and we were just laying there....holding eachother. we used to love to do that...grrr, and now im crying...i just think about how much i had..and i fucked it up. i hate so much of myself right now....i dont see one thing i can really like about myself...
well i think thats mainly it....those are my major thoughts...if i have more, ill just update later...
~mom...i have forgiven you...but thoughts dont stop...i cant forget what happened...i had nearly gotten that done though...but then it was brought up again...im sorry for bringing it up..but it was a thought in my head...and i had to write about it, or else i would get no sleep. it kept bothering me that it was on my mind...so i just had to get it out...
~my 'relationship' w/ jusitn...or whatever we are...its so confusing. i just want to be w/ him sooo much...i feel so strongly about him, that it drives me insane. every second i think about how he is doing and what he is doing. hes the reason ive made it this far. w/o him...i dont know. we had so much, i wish i didnt ruin it...but i know i did. it kills me. i love him more than anything or anyone else. i know he is the one for me...and i will do anything in my power to make sure my future is w/ him. he is the only person i want to be w/...i need to be w/.....i cant see my future w/o him.
~my health....oh god, i dont know what to do. ive started to pray again...not only for justin now. but for my health. i dont want to discuss details...not in here...but im so scared right now. i dont know whats going on...some nights ill wake up w/ the pain...and i dont know whats going on...but i cant breathe...sometimes i think that it will all end...and i wont have to deal w/ anything im thinking aobut right now. im not sure which one i would want...b/c i want so much to be w/ justin...but then if im not around, i dont have to worry about anything again. just to give up....but id ont know if i have that kind of will power...im just so weak, that i think that whatever happens...happens.
~i have court tomm...and im so nervous...even though nothing is going to happen tomm...it still makes me nervous...and whats worse is that i thought justin was going to be there w/ me when i went through all of this...but they split our court dates up...:( now ill have no one. im so worried.
~my future...i guess that has to do w/ justin quite a bit. ive been thinking about marriage quite a bit lately. esp since watching that movie today. i just want to be w/ the one...the one is justin and i just know it. i wish he could see it too. i would be sooo great to him...w/ a second chance...i would do everything in my will to make him happy. i miss him and his touch and everythign about him sooo much. osmetimes ill look at him and wish i was in his arms..and we were just laying there....holding eachother. we used to love to do that...grrr, and now im crying...i just think about how much i had..and i fucked it up. i hate so much of myself right now....i dont see one thing i can really like about myself...
well i think thats mainly it....those are my major thoughts...if i have more, ill just update later...