Late night word vomit
I don't know what my deal is lately. I've just been so physically drained, and that's made me feel like I'm an intellectual vaccuum. Like I haven't been coherent or poetic or deep in any fashion for weeks. There are so many things that I know I should be appreciating or thinking about or putting more effort into that I just havn't had the mindpower for.
Like the other day, I met this sweet old British grandfather, and his granddaughter was babbling to Catherine. And then, like little kids often do, she got pretty loud... like yelling, and he was just so patient and sweet. And he said "No, no, darling, we must be ever so quiet". And she said sorry and got quieter... he actually had this toddler's respect enough that all he had to do was ask nicely for her to behave, and she did. And just that sentence... "ever so quiet"... it was adorable. How many sentences have I started with the word "and" now? Just more proof of my intelligence waning.
Summer soon. That's all I need. Summer summer summer. I'll still be working, but no school. In fact, no HBU ever again. Hooray!
My mind is so... off, in fact, that I've been having weird dreams lately. Not bad, per se, just... uncomfortable. I don't think it has anything to do with how much I end up crashing over here at Zaniels, but it might. Oddly enough, he never seems to be in them. In fact, in last night's dream, he broke up with me, and I ended up going back to my ex. I think it's all just a manifest of the way I've been feeling about myself lately. Basically, I'm just extra hormonal because I got off balance with my birth control pills. Haha, no worries, I'm not about to join the unwed mothers club or anything, it's just that my period got a little helter skelter there.
Aaanyway, I don't know what I'm writing about. I don't know how much of anything makes sense. I'm tired, but not really in the mood to sleep. I wish Zaniel would come to bed. But, he's earned the relaxation time, even if he IS just playing with his computer or whatever. I talk about him so much, don't I?
I was reading back through my journal entries, back when we started to get really close, and I was writing a bunch of stuff back then about not having to be politically correct or whatever. It's still true. I just don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I mean, is it okay to start so early? I mean, I just don't want to burn out on him, you know? Like, he's as much a part of my life, and I talk about him about as much, as if we were newlyweds. So... what happens if we get tired of each other? Cut our losses? I don't know. Maybe (hopefully) we just won't get tired of each other. Hopefully we'll keep bringing smiles to one another's faces and we'll never have to second guess if getting so serious so young was an issue or not.
I really hope that's the case. Mostly I just don't want him to get tired of me. Boys always get tired of me. It doesn't matter how much they say they love me, or how much I give of myself to them, they just get tired of me. (Disturbing image: that scene in I <3 Huckabees w/ Jason & Jude that's like "I give and I give and he takes and he takes"... haha) But this is just another example of how weirdly and not me I'm thinking. Maybe this weird train of thought is caused by my weird dreams lately... or, more likely, vice versa. Either way, I don't like it. I have just been feeling lately that it's more "safe" to be hard on myself.
I'm hallucinating now. I need to just go to sleep. Thank god it's the weekend.
Like the other day, I met this sweet old British grandfather, and his granddaughter was babbling to Catherine. And then, like little kids often do, she got pretty loud... like yelling, and he was just so patient and sweet. And he said "No, no, darling, we must be ever so quiet". And she said sorry and got quieter... he actually had this toddler's respect enough that all he had to do was ask nicely for her to behave, and she did. And just that sentence... "ever so quiet"... it was adorable. How many sentences have I started with the word "and" now? Just more proof of my intelligence waning.
Summer soon. That's all I need. Summer summer summer. I'll still be working, but no school. In fact, no HBU ever again. Hooray!
My mind is so... off, in fact, that I've been having weird dreams lately. Not bad, per se, just... uncomfortable. I don't think it has anything to do with how much I end up crashing over here at Zaniels, but it might. Oddly enough, he never seems to be in them. In fact, in last night's dream, he broke up with me, and I ended up going back to my ex. I think it's all just a manifest of the way I've been feeling about myself lately. Basically, I'm just extra hormonal because I got off balance with my birth control pills. Haha, no worries, I'm not about to join the unwed mothers club or anything, it's just that my period got a little helter skelter there.
Aaanyway, I don't know what I'm writing about. I don't know how much of anything makes sense. I'm tired, but not really in the mood to sleep. I wish Zaniel would come to bed. But, he's earned the relaxation time, even if he IS just playing with his computer or whatever. I talk about him so much, don't I?
I was reading back through my journal entries, back when we started to get really close, and I was writing a bunch of stuff back then about not having to be politically correct or whatever. It's still true. I just don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I mean, is it okay to start so early? I mean, I just don't want to burn out on him, you know? Like, he's as much a part of my life, and I talk about him about as much, as if we were newlyweds. So... what happens if we get tired of each other? Cut our losses? I don't know. Maybe (hopefully) we just won't get tired of each other. Hopefully we'll keep bringing smiles to one another's faces and we'll never have to second guess if getting so serious so young was an issue or not.
I really hope that's the case. Mostly I just don't want him to get tired of me. Boys always get tired of me. It doesn't matter how much they say they love me, or how much I give of myself to them, they just get tired of me. (Disturbing image: that scene in I <3 Huckabees w/ Jason & Jude that's like "I give and I give and he takes and he takes"... haha) But this is just another example of how weirdly and not me I'm thinking. Maybe this weird train of thought is caused by my weird dreams lately... or, more likely, vice versa. Either way, I don't like it. I have just been feeling lately that it's more "safe" to be hard on myself.
I'm hallucinating now. I need to just go to sleep. Thank god it's the weekend.