(no subject)
im having the feeling, as i sometimes do, that nothing is real, and it's all a great big dream. i thought on the way back that maybe my eyes had indeed been gouged out and i was lying spread eagle across an ambulance stretcher in some muskoka morgue, and this was some kind of twisted afterlife. i closed my eyes for the entire walk home and didn't get hit by anything.
im glad i might have worked things through with sil, although i really dont know how she thinks. i feel that im not at all as intuitive as i had used to be. like its that im less confident i guess? i used to be so sure of what other people were thinking and now im not sure even of what im thinking. adam and owen hated the tupperware man dream. they also think that silvia and helena and sacha didnt really like it either. i was so sure they did but now i have my doubts.
like innocence lost, some things, once said, cannot be retracted. things you learn cant be unlearned. you try to go on the next morning as if nothing happened, you smile, you take your pills and you breathe the free air but is anyone fooled? i know i was, for the most part, but i could still remember everything he had said. i hope she doesn't remember everything i said.
maybe its just having two huge events happen in the space of an hour or something. my mind feels like its gone into withdrawal, and its just stubbornly believing this is all some delusion. i don't know what to do.
i feel like sacha when he says he feels weird in his own body. i feel weird in my own body. i feel weird in my own personality, i dont even know if it's me. i keep changing hairstyles, clothing styles, i put on accents for days on end. its all this reading. i suppose its better if i tried to be myself, but i wonder who that would be? i feel weird being me. my fingers dont look like they belong to me. my skin is a different colour than i thought it was.
theres a sunset but i just feel like screaming. i dont want fresh air or a jog or something. i just feel so weird, unexplainably. my cycle, as it were, was completely destroyed. i used to count on two full days of the week in which i wouldnt have to see anyone from my school but now i'll be seeing them for 12 days straight. i really dont think i can handle something like that..? senior play auditions are this week. i wish i had someone to help me with it, UTS drama is totally dying. sometimes i feel like im the only one who sincerely cares about the program.
i feel like i cant breathe and im breathing too much so i feel lightheaded and im claustrophobic so i've moved everything out of the room and now im agoraphobic. what a weird weekend. i feel like im on a million drugs.
ill leave it to tomorrow to unpack
im glad i might have worked things through with sil, although i really dont know how she thinks. i feel that im not at all as intuitive as i had used to be. like its that im less confident i guess? i used to be so sure of what other people were thinking and now im not sure even of what im thinking. adam and owen hated the tupperware man dream. they also think that silvia and helena and sacha didnt really like it either. i was so sure they did but now i have my doubts.
like innocence lost, some things, once said, cannot be retracted. things you learn cant be unlearned. you try to go on the next morning as if nothing happened, you smile, you take your pills and you breathe the free air but is anyone fooled? i know i was, for the most part, but i could still remember everything he had said. i hope she doesn't remember everything i said.
maybe its just having two huge events happen in the space of an hour or something. my mind feels like its gone into withdrawal, and its just stubbornly believing this is all some delusion. i don't know what to do.
i feel like sacha when he says he feels weird in his own body. i feel weird in my own body. i feel weird in my own personality, i dont even know if it's me. i keep changing hairstyles, clothing styles, i put on accents for days on end. its all this reading. i suppose its better if i tried to be myself, but i wonder who that would be? i feel weird being me. my fingers dont look like they belong to me. my skin is a different colour than i thought it was.
theres a sunset but i just feel like screaming. i dont want fresh air or a jog or something. i just feel so weird, unexplainably. my cycle, as it were, was completely destroyed. i used to count on two full days of the week in which i wouldnt have to see anyone from my school but now i'll be seeing them for 12 days straight. i really dont think i can handle something like that..? senior play auditions are this week. i wish i had someone to help me with it, UTS drama is totally dying. sometimes i feel like im the only one who sincerely cares about the program.
i feel like i cant breathe and im breathing too much so i feel lightheaded and im claustrophobic so i've moved everything out of the room and now im agoraphobic. what a weird weekend. i feel like im on a million drugs.
ill leave it to tomorrow to unpack