(no subject)
my dad bitched me out really bad last night. i have to graduate. fuck. it's so much harder now that i am living on my own and paying for everything. i'll get it done just not as fast as he would like. and he can't understand that. i hate feeling inadequate. i really hate it. and that's all he seems to make me feel. he hates me. the shitty thing is that all i ever do is try to be good for him and show him how much better i am doing now but it's never good enough. i've been really sad the past few days. my mom's birthday is tomorrow. i don't remember what i did last year. i am usually working through it but not this year. this year i haven't been thinking of her as often or getting upset as often but lately it's been on my mind. my mom never talked to me the way my dad does. she never made me feel this way. i just want her back. i would have never left living with her, i wouldn't be where i am. at the same time i like where i am most of the time and i feel like i am doing decently well for myself here. and i feel all sorts of fucked up over it because i never would have done this if she didn't die. when the fuck does this stop being an issue for me. dead is dead is dead. i need to get over it.