(no subject)

[andhereidreamt]

we talked a little more. i really do believe there is nothing more left uncertain about the move. so we will be living together the question still being where. im confident things will work themselves out even if we dont find 'the perfect place' it will be perfect enough just having a love bungalo together. haha. bowling tonight was fun. im pretty sure its the only event ive been attending regularly since darren has been gone. ive drank 3 times in the month he has been out of town. i must say the change is nice, waking up early without hangover..not that i would have a hangover everytime i would go out drinking but id definitely feel a little lethargic, slower paced. speaking of, im having an awful time trying to sleep lately. a few weeks ago the monsoon flooded my kitchen and warped my front door. it was over a week before they fixed the door and i could shut it again and it was the most painfully nerve racking experience of my life. as most people know i am both obsessed with and terrified of serial killers. not just terrified of serial killers, but terrified of being raped, beaten, murdered.. the whole shabang.. and to live in downtown tucson and not be able to shut my door let alone lock it AND have my boyfriend out of town just left me in cahoots. i swear i was waking up every hour to two hours. i couldnt even sleep for fear i would open my eyes and just see someone in the kitchen. im getting creeped out just thinking about it. but ever since that even now that i can lock the door i cant sleep. i keep worrying about someone getting in and have been having nightmares. waking up at strange hours and having troubles nodding back off. its awful. i cant believe ive become dependent on someone. ive been on my own for a long time and now i cant sleep without my boyfriend. wtf. but back to what i was saying..i feel like withdrawling from the everyday nightlife has left me at a loss with friends a bit. bummer. but im beginning to care less and less. people still being weird about mine and darrens being together is starting to irritate me. i just never understood why it mattered in the first place so i really dont know why it matters now. i hate noticing over and over again that friendships you invest all this time in are worthless because the person on the other side is a shallow popularity starved attention whore. i wanted to go out tonight after bowling and saw how limited my options were on who to call. i hate when i start feeling like that.
about to watch annie hall. everyone says its this remarkable film but i hate woody allen so we shall see. i miss phoenix right now. i miss unlimited friendships and something to do every night if i wanted and clean malls, seattle espresso, fazolis, restaurant mexico, casey moores, just the familiarity of growing up there. knowing every single corner. knowing my friends for years and years. not being so vulnerable. blahh. what in the hell is the meaning of life!? someone please overnight deliver me the holy grail.
im a boring piece of shit. goodnight.