how 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you?
It's easier to type than to write by hand… maybe I need to type more often. I have a lot to say and my mind is full of crap. It's been a while…
To start… it's raining and for the first time in my life I want to go out in the rain, go to Beit T'shuvah, get wet, and smoke cigarettes under the awning with everyone else. It's a really strange feeling. I really want to be there. So I will probably get up soon.
I hate waking up because my mind is on "ON" right away. And doesn't turn off. And Colleen called and I didn't answer and I'm angry at her for relapsing and lying to me and for the fact that she has a bunch of my shit with her and lost my collage pieces and has my bra. It's really confusing.
I saw my mom yesterday and a lot came up for me. I feel like I need therapy with my mom and that really scares me- to start something new at Beit T'shuvah right now when I want it all to be over, to open a big can of worms… I'm mad at her for so many reasons that I am not over. Starting with her having Megan and her dad come get me from Tarzana, her being scared of me, her damn physical problems that I wish I didn't know about, her never giving anyone credit and instead not being honest,… lots of stuff I see in myself that I wish would not be in me. I am looking at myself in a mirror and I'm not liking the person I see.
By Monday I am in desperate "need" of therapy. That bugs me too. Financial stuff hanging over my head and chores to do bug me today, to the point where I just want to get a whole bunch of it done so I can say "fuck you I did all this". I am not sure who I am even saying fuck you to… my mom? The Universe? God? my sponsor? Beit T'shuvah? Myself?
I'm so afraid to disappoint people that I fuck them over at the last minute instead. I knew I wouldn't see Cassie this weekend and I let her hope. I don't like that about myself either. So much judgment today… it makes me sad. And I miss Michael to hell and back.
Some good things and some gratitude are here too… grateful that I feel capable today, want to be out in the rain, want coffee bean and look forward to going to work. Gratitude that I'm sober and not out there feeling sorry for myself like it's me against the world… and out of my mind. Gratitude that I didn't take the pills at work the other day and gratitude for my cousin. For Coffee Bean sleeves, for my counselor, for my roommate and for having people to go to when my head works overtime. For cute clothing and cute boots and hats and scarves. For Sayres. For the people who aren't scared of me. For all of my new friends who feel like family a lot of the time because they all get it, and none of them worry about me. For faith. For Michael. For having a place to be.
I don't know… I don't know a damn thing except how I feel and that I am grateful to have my life today. Angry, anxious, scared, confused as hell… today I am awake and at Alex's and pretty damn lucky to be me.
To start… it's raining and for the first time in my life I want to go out in the rain, go to Beit T'shuvah, get wet, and smoke cigarettes under the awning with everyone else. It's a really strange feeling. I really want to be there. So I will probably get up soon.
I hate waking up because my mind is on "ON" right away. And doesn't turn off. And Colleen called and I didn't answer and I'm angry at her for relapsing and lying to me and for the fact that she has a bunch of my shit with her and lost my collage pieces and has my bra. It's really confusing.
I saw my mom yesterday and a lot came up for me. I feel like I need therapy with my mom and that really scares me- to start something new at Beit T'shuvah right now when I want it all to be over, to open a big can of worms… I'm mad at her for so many reasons that I am not over. Starting with her having Megan and her dad come get me from Tarzana, her being scared of me, her damn physical problems that I wish I didn't know about, her never giving anyone credit and instead not being honest,… lots of stuff I see in myself that I wish would not be in me. I am looking at myself in a mirror and I'm not liking the person I see.
By Monday I am in desperate "need" of therapy. That bugs me too. Financial stuff hanging over my head and chores to do bug me today, to the point where I just want to get a whole bunch of it done so I can say "fuck you I did all this". I am not sure who I am even saying fuck you to… my mom? The Universe? God? my sponsor? Beit T'shuvah? Myself?
I'm so afraid to disappoint people that I fuck them over at the last minute instead. I knew I wouldn't see Cassie this weekend and I let her hope. I don't like that about myself either. So much judgment today… it makes me sad. And I miss Michael to hell and back.
Some good things and some gratitude are here too… grateful that I feel capable today, want to be out in the rain, want coffee bean and look forward to going to work. Gratitude that I'm sober and not out there feeling sorry for myself like it's me against the world… and out of my mind. Gratitude that I didn't take the pills at work the other day and gratitude for my cousin. For Coffee Bean sleeves, for my counselor, for my roommate and for having people to go to when my head works overtime. For cute clothing and cute boots and hats and scarves. For Sayres. For the people who aren't scared of me. For all of my new friends who feel like family a lot of the time because they all get it, and none of them worry about me. For faith. For Michael. For having a place to be.
I don't know… I don't know a damn thing except how I feel and that I am grateful to have my life today. Angry, anxious, scared, confused as hell… today I am awake and at Alex's and pretty damn lucky to be me.