two journals alike, two seperate minds. my farewell, goodbye.

[andersontapes]

I wake alone to the sounds of chirping, roll to the other side of the bed and realize she was part of a dream. Beauty is captured by foot during the transition of Summer to Fall. You two stroll a town unknown to either. In these moments of bliss and extreme pleasure the pain of loss seems to disappear. It is within the single second of the decision to let "goodbye" slip from your lips that the hurt floods back. Your lips sense the woman you've spent your life with, memories fade as your agreement to forget hinders all feelings except the last sensation of your goodbye kiss. It is these days that follow that haunt anyones existence, once so calm, once so strong, I have become restless, and weak. I feel unattractive. The pain is eased with conversation, but it never does leave. Like Anna Karenina, unable to settle with happiness you find yourself swept up in the midst of everything beautiful and once again on fire. The fire of love set ablaze beneath your feet, while miles away the man you once loved turned to a life of question. One day someone will find their way into my life to light the fire beneath my feet, but for now I must rebuild my trust. The Lord's compassions may never fail because they are new every morning, but I have failed in keeping an optimistic faith. My faith is true in its splendor, yet angry in its nature. In my readings I have found an active knowledge and understanding of my Lord, yet I feel as in contempt. I feel and fear I was not understood for my body could not keep up and my mind was weak. As I learned my place walking through the town loving life, my tongue has learned it's place in my mouth. If only I could have such compassion for others to hold my tongue. I feel as if I was a bet someone was stuck with, worthless at a table of four. My favorite hours were spent lingering in life in the smallest of towns. Some may find it boring to have meaningless conversations with the ones you love, but I find great pleasure in knowing there is some odd connection between those alike. Odd occurances deliver fate. Is it so? Never have I had so many wonderful occurances lead me to believe in such a pseudo-realistic environment that I fell for my own developed God story than in the events of the near past. If I've learned anything, I've learned that the mighty God is a living man... In the human mind many may believe they have a picture of what God wants, but don't be afraid if what you receive crushes the earth you so readily layed your house upon. My heart has finally released the constant tension from fear, helplessness, and lack of courage. My wings have finally set me upon even ground. I did not cry because of the absence. I cried because of my absence from her while I was with her, I cried because our new beginning would be miles apart, and because I was being broken into a new man. My flesh and my heart may fail as they are, but God is the strength of my heart forever. I will not waver in my efforts to break these habits and this mindset of such a conditional love. As I have once asked for her decision from the Lord, I have understood enough to know it was for me to leave on my own. Fuck the words that have been written in letters unbeknown to passerbys, for they have been the cause of much pain in my past life.
-ps

there is no need to tell me the way i'm living my life is wrong. i know my faults and i know my complications.