Lucid, Part 2
Warnings: nothing graphic
Disclaimer: Not mine, not true.
Fandoms: Speed (SungMin), B.A.P (YoungJae, rule 63!Zelo), Boyfriend (JungMin), Block B (Minhyuk), MYNAME (Gunwoo)
Lucid is a four piece group that clicked like some do in the Kpop industry. Which allows them to help each other through each problem they face.
The movie started making the kind of music YoungJae hated because he knew what was coming up. He glanced at the other three, then carefully extracted himself from the pile of them and climbed easily to his feet.
"Everything okay?" MinHyuk asked, sounding sleepy.
"Yeah," YoungJae said. "I'm off to bed." He yawned and stretched, and then went maybe faster than he needed to for the bedroom. He got into bed and just as he got comfortable, his phone rang. He checked the caller ID, and smiled as he answered. "Hey."
"I didn't wake you, did I?" JungMin asked. Behind him, YoungJae could hear the others moving around, sounding exhausted.
"No, I just went to bed. They're watching a movie."
"You didn't want to see it?" JungMin asked.
"No, not really," he YoungJae said. "I don't have any interest in it. You sound like you guys are working hard."
"Yeah," JungMin said and laughed gently. "I think DongHyun just realized that it's too much and we'll have to go a bit less intense tomorrow, unless he wants to lose the maknae line. They're so tired they're actually too tired to complain."
YoungJae let out a short laugh. "I've been there," he said. "I'm surprised you're not that tired."
"Oh, I'm tired, but I'm not insane enough to try a dance battle in the middle of a choreography-heavy day."
"Ouch," YoungJae said. "I bet they don't do that again."
"I bet they do. It's the way they work."
YoungJae chuckled. "I'm glad we have a different kind of insanity here," he said.
"It's a good thing you didn't say something about no insanity," JungMin said. "I would have laughed at you."
"I would have deserved it," YoungJae said. "Hey, any news on the next time we might get to meet again?"
"Hang on."
YoungJae pulled up his schedule as well, checking out the next time they had some free-ish time. It took some doing, but they eventually found a time they could meet. By the time the others came in for bed, YoungJae had hung up and nearly fallen asleep. He managed to tell his group mates good night before he finally fell asleep.
The time seemed to take forever - well, okay, it was forever - until he had a chance to meet with JungMin again. He knew that it would be like this, but he hadn't counted on SungMin and EunHong. They looked so happy, so... complete, and he couldn't stop the jealousy that bubbled up in him every time he saw them exchange a look, touch hands, anything.
Something had to change, but he didn't know what.
YoungJae tried not to make it obvious that he avoided SungMin and EunHong. It turned out impossible, so he at least managed to make it less that it was. He didn't want them to feel they couldn't hug, kiss, or any of that. Every time he saw them, he felt... less. Less of a person, less of a friend, just less.
"What's wrong?" MinHyuk asked one afternoon, his hand pressed gently to YoungJae's shoulder.
"Nothing," YoungJae said, and hid a wince in his book. He'd answered too fast.
MinHyuk took the book from his hands, set it on the couch out of reach, and sat next to him. "You don't lie well."
YoungJae folded his hands in his lap. "It's not anything anyone can help," he said.
"No one?" MinHyuk asked.
"No, not really." Well, maybe one person at the moment, but he couldn't help, he really couldn't.
"So, what is it?"
YoungMin shrugged.
"SungMin and EunHong think they've done something to make you mad," MinHyuk said after a moment.
"No. I tried to make it so they wouldn't think that," YoungJae said, shoulders hunching further.
"It's not them?"
"No. It's me."
MinHyuk's hand covered YoungJae's. "So what's wrong?" he asked again.
"Jealousy," YoungJae said. "And I'm lonely. I don't want them to think I don't want them together. I don't want them to hate me because they feel like they have to change the way they act when I'm around. I don't want them to know."
"Can I help?"
YoungJae shrugged again. "How? You have your own boyfriend."
"He can't be around most of the time. What's going on with JungMin?"
"He's busy," YoungJae said. "Like we are. We found a chance to get together, but it's like three weeks out."
"Ouch," MinHyuk said, and squeezed YoungJae's hands. "I'm sorry to hear that."
"Yeah. So." YoungJae shrugged yet again. "That's all it is. I don't want them to change. I just...."
"Just what?"
YoungJae felt his face flush. "Wish I had someone to cuddle with, sometimes."
MinHyuk looked at him, and YoungJae met his eyes, somewhat surprised not to see the scorn he expected. "Cuddle with?" Minhyuk asked.
YoungJae's face went hotter. "Yeah. Just... cuddle. Lean on someone, or have them lean on me. No kissing, no... anything else, just... cuddling." He'd like to kiss JungMin, but not anyone else. And definitely no one in the group.
MinHyuk nodded slowly. "If it's okay with my boyfriend, will I do?" he asked.
YoungJae's eyes widened. "Yeah," he said. "If it's okay, I'd like that."
"I'll ask him tomorrow night," MinHyuk promised.
"Thanks," YoungJae said, and had to hold himself back from leaning on MinHyuk and crying.
"He wants what?" Gunwoo asked, leaning up on one elbow to look down at MinHyuk.
"Someone to cuddle with," MinHyuk said. "He's looked miserable for the last couple of weeks."
"He's just lonely."
"Yeah. It's hard enough with you and me, with my schedule. His closest friend is another idol, and so they have to work around both schedules."
Gunwoo whistled. "Sounds like a nightmare," he agreed.
"The next time they can meet is in three weeks, and it's been a couple of weeks since the last time."
Gunwoo winced. "No wonder he's having a hard time," he said. "Are you okay with it?"
MinHyuk hesitated. "I think it'll help him," he said. "He's not interested in anything more than someone to share a blanket with while watching a movie or something."
"You're sure?"
"He said so, and I trust him." MinHyuk brushed his fingers down Gunwoo's cheek. "None of us have ever thought he seemed attracted to any of us. He doesn't mind my relationship with you, he's never tried to do anything inappropriate with any of us." He met GunWoo's eyes. "I'll tell him no if you don't want me to."
Gunwoo regarded him quietly. "Do you think it'll help him if you're there for him?"
"I do," MinHyuk said. "I feel like he'd be much better if he had a chance to cuddle with someone. I know I do, when we get the chance to spend time together."
Gunwoo nodded. "Okay. You'll tell me if something happens?"
MinHyuk sighed and kissed him. "Thank you," he said.
Gunwoo kissed him back.
YoungJae paced slowly, but still very much a pace. Thankfully, neither SungMin nor EunHong seemed to notice, but eventually YoungJae realized that he drove himself crazy and went into the bedroom. He settled onto his bed and checked his phone - possibly obsessive, but no one saw it but him - to find a text from JungMin.
~Actually have another window. What's your schedule Saturday?~
YoungJae scrambled out of bed, stopping halfway. ~Inkigayo,~ he texted back and dropped back into the bed.
~Postponed,~ JungMin sent immediately.
YoungJae scrambled again for the iPad that held their schedule, to find half the day suddenly empty. ~Oh. I'll talk to M when he gets in. Hope so.~
~Me, too,~ JungMin sent back.
YoungJae sat down on the edge of his bed. ~Busy? Can I call?~
Almost immediately, his phone rang, the opening lines of "Witch." YoungJae answered it. "Hey."
"You beat me to it," JungMin told him. "I was about to ask the same thing."
YoungJae lay down. "On a break?" he asked.
"A sort of stolen one," JungMin said. "Our official break started 15 minutes ago, and DongHyun fell asleep. The maknae line is zealously guarding him from any interruption."
YoungJae snickered. "I bet they are. Who's the ringleader?"
"Toss up between MinWoo and YoungMin, HyunSung thinks. I don't care. Enjoying your free evening?"
"Yeah, except I'm restless, so maybe not as much as I might. Any news on what is going on Saturday?"
"I figure it's something from the Blue House. That's about all that'll postpone those."
"True," YoungJae agreed.
"So, you're not doing anything choreography-heavy this round. Do you think you'll be able to join me somewhere?"
"Depends on if MinHyuk wants to get a start on the choreography for the follow up, but he's got someone he wants to see, too. So maybe. I think. Hope so. Wishing hard."
JungMin laughed softly. "Yeah. Um. Sounds like leader-nim is awake. Text me when you know anything."
"I will. See ya."
"Bye."
YoungJae hung up, tucked his phone under his pillow, and closed his eyes. He slept almost immediately.
"Inikgayo was cancelled. Or postponed. Or something," YoungJae said once EunHong had joined them for breakfast the next morning.
MinHyuk, SungMin, and EunHong stared at him. "What?" MinHyuk asked.
YoungJae grinned. "I heard from JungMin. He's got a free afternoon. I thought we might want to plan.... something."
"Like get out of here?" SungMin asked, the question more aimed at EunHong than anyone else.
"Yes," MinHyuk said, and got up. "I'll check with HeeChul, and see if we can get out."
"I probably won't go with you," YoungJae said. "Sorry."
"I don't know that it'll be something we all want to do together," MinHyuk said.
EunHong laughed. "I have to agree," she said. "You just want to spend time with Gunwoo."
"Yes," MinHyuk said. "Which is not a problem, right? We all get to play with our favorite people."
SungMin grinned. "I'm all for that," he said.
"Good," MinHyuk said, and dialed as he left the room. He returned a few minutes later. "So here's the problem."
SungMin groaned. EunHong smacked his shoulder.
"We're starting the new choreography this week for the follow up, and HeeChul wants us to have at least some practice Saturday."
"That's not unreasonable," YoungJae said.
"Yes, it is," SungMin said.
"Stop it," EunHong said, laughing. "It is not."
"So I'll let you know when we can get out of practice, so we can make plans." MinHyuk looked pleased, and YoungJae figured he could deal with that.
SungMin and EunHong left the kitchen to get ready, and MinHyuk stopped YoungJae by taking his wrist. "I talked to Gunwoo last night," he said.
YoungJae turned to face him, not sure how to feel. "What did he say?"
"He's okay with the idea," MinHyuk said. "Not that I think you'll need it too much for a while, but it's okay."
"Thank you," YoungJae said. "I appreciate that. Do... you think we can get some time off Saturday?"
"I think we can all even clear out, if you need a place to meet JungMin," MinHyuk said. "I'll see what we can come up with."
YoungJae smiled, trying not to cry. "Sounds perfect," he said. "Thanks."
"Are you sure this is okay?" JungMin asked as YoungJae backed up to let him in.
"Yes," YoungJae said, and smiled. "Come on in. Do you want something?"
"No, I'm good," JungMin said, and took his wrist. "Is everything okay?"
YoungJae turned to look at him. "It's fine," he said. "I'm fine. I got the movie, if you want to watch it, and we have popcorn."
JungMin laughed. "You mean, they won't get mad if you eat the popcorn?"
"Nope," YoungJae said, grinning back at him. "They don't know about this stash. it's all mine, just for us."
"Smart," JungMin said.
He followed as YoungJae popped the popcorn, lounging casually against the counter, offering to help when needed. They finally got into the front room, where JungMin pulled out some of the candy he'd brought.
YoungJae didn't miss the looks JungMin kept sending him, but he didn't ignore them, looking back in something like invitation. The movie got ignored as JungMin scooted closer.
"Hey," he said, and turned the movie down. YoungJae didn't care really, curious about what JungMin wanted. "I just wanted to know exactly... I mean, I wanted you to know that I really like you."
"What do you mean?" YoungJae asked, leaning closer.
"I mean, I find you attractive," JungMin said, looking and sounding somewhat nervous.
YoungJae bit his lip. "You're one of the best looking guys I've ever met," he said, and JungMin's expression eased.
"That's a relief to hear, even if it sounds egotistical," JungMin said.
YoungJae laughed. "I think it can be excused this time," he said. "So... what do we do now?"
"Well," JungMin said. "I'd like to kiss you, if I may."
YoungJae shifted closer. "I wouldn't mind that at all," he said, hiding the nerves in his stomach, the way it twisted.
JungMin met him halfway and kissed him. YoungJae forgot about the movie and everything else. "There's a thing," he said, sometime later.
JungMin drew back. "A thing?" he asked, reaching for the remote. He paused the movie, the sudden silence a surprise.
"Yeah." YoungJae's hands twisted in his shirt. "Before it get too far."
JungMin's smile twisted. "Too far?"
"I..." YoungJae swallowed. "I'm not interested in having sex. Ever."
JungMin blinked at him. "Ever?"
YoungJae shook his head. "I... that's what I mean. I don't want you to go into this thinking it might get that far. Not that I think... I mean...."
JungMin held his hand up and YoungJae stopped stuttering. "I understand," he said, his tone still kind. "You just...."
"I'm not interested," YoungJae said. "I like... I mean, I like kissing, I like cuddling. I like romance, but I'm not interested in sex. At all. I just... wanted you to know, so you didn't think you'd wasted your time."
JungMin's uplifted hand fell on YoungJae's thigh. "Oh," he said, and YoungJae thought he understood. "I don't see any reason to stop for tonight. I don't know about later, but I will let you know. I won't leave you hanging."
YoungJae smiled, hiding his relief. "Thank you," he said.
As an official first date, it wasn't a bad one. At least, that part had gone well.
"You busy?"
HyunSung looked up, brow furrowed. "No. What's up?"
JungMin laughed shortly. "I'm... I have something to think about. And I'd like to talk to you and see what you think."
HyunSung leaned back. "Are you sure?"
JungMin nodded. "Yes," he said. "I just... I trust you not to make anything out of it."
HyunSung nodded and patted the bed next to him. "Sit down," he said.
JungMin did, and then leaned back on his hands. "I...." he started, then stopped again. "I have a friend," he said, feeling lame, because everyone did this, and everyone knew they didn't actually have a friend. "He's falling for a girl, who, he just found out, isn't interested in having sex. Ever."
HyunSung nodded slowly. "That happens," he said softly. "What's the question?"
"Is it worth the... Is it worth it to even get close to her?"
HyunSung frowned. "I guess that depends," he said. "If your friend is just in it for sex, then no."
JungMin sighed. "True, but if he wants, eventually, to have sex with this girl...."
"He'll have to deal, I guess," HyunSung said. "He'll have to figure out what is really important."
"What does he do if he does want to keep dating her? I mean, that's a serious problem."
"He'll have to figure it out on his own, and he'll have to decide what's the way he wants to go on it. Not to mention talking to the girl."
JungMin nodded. "Yeah. I'll talk to him. Thanks."
He got up and let himself out, thoughts swirling even more.
The next day passed in a blur, and somehow JungMin managed to keep it together enough not to show how off he felt. It apparently didn't work, because DongHyun pulled him aside when the others straggled off to bed. "You seem preoccupied," he said. "Can I help?"
JungMin shrugged. "I don't know if anyone can," he said. "I guess... can I talk to you?"
"Always," DongHyun said, and didn't even sound like he'd rather go to bed. "Now?"
"If it's a good time," JungMin said.
"It's perfect," DongHyun said, and ushered him toward the couch. "What's on your mind?"
JungMin took a deep breath, and explained it much the way he had with HyunSung. DongHyun didn't try to second guess him, didn't even give a sign that he knew who JungMin really meant. It helped.
"You want to know what to tell your friend."
"Yes," JungMin said.
"I don't know that you can tell him anything concrete," DongHyun said. "His girl sounds like she's pretty important, and it sounds like she's been hurt because of this before."
JungMin stared at him. "Why do you say that?"
"Because of the way she reacted, the way she told him. It's definitely normal in our society, that sex is just... part of the relationship. Having someone not interested is kind of weird."
JungMin sighed in relief. "I thought so, too," he said. "I've never heard of someone just not interested."
"So the decision has to come on other fronts. And, frankly, if what he'll get out of the relationship outstrips what he thinks he'll miss."
"The sex."
"Yes." DongHyun took a deep breath. "I just hope he doesn't leave her hanging too long. It gets nerve-wracking on a normal level, and this is... not what we'd call normal."
"No," JungMin said. "She doesn't mind kissing, hugging, that sort of thing, but... it's not quite the same."
"No. And if sex is that important to him, maybe he'd better let her go."
JungMin nodded thoughtfully. "I'll pass on the information," he said. "Thanks. You look like you need sleep."
"Check the mirror," DongHyun said, getting to his feet. "You look like you've already fallen asleep, but your eyes don't know it yet."
JungMin laughed and followed him into the bedroom.
They all noticed the silence. YoungJae seemed to have shrunk into himself, almost convulsively avoiding his phone. He looked miserable, in unguarded moments between songs, when he thought no one was looking. MinHyuk didn't have time to do anything, at least not what he wanted, or to ask YoungJae what he needed. During each break, HeeChul had something else for him, and he barely had time to get a drink before he had to go back to work.
The third time it happened, he caught something in the mirror, and had to smile. SungMin and EunHong sat on either side of YoungJae, not talking or anything, just leaning on him. He looked relaxed, just a little, and enough for MinHyuk to feel better.
When he turned back to the three, YoungJae had curled into SungMin, and he and EunHong cuddled closer to him, the three making up almost a circle. Without a second thought, MinHyuk went to join them, completing the circle. He didn't realize YoungJae cried until then. EunHong gave him a look that said she didn't understand, and then looked at the door.
"We're on our own for a bit," MinHyuk said in answer to that.
YoungJae tried to straighten up, wiping at his face, but SungMin tightened his grip on him. "No," he said. "Get it all out, and it'll go better."
"It might not," YoungJae said.
"It will," EunHong said. "At least for a while, if not forever."
YoungJae glanced at her. "I'm sorry to take your boyfriend," he said.
EunHong squeezed him. "You are welcome to borrow him for short times," she teased gently. "But you have to borrow me, too, sometimes."
YoungJae looked at her, smiling through his tears. "You're too tall," he said.
SungMin snorted. "Actually, she's really comfortable to lean on, so don't knock it until you've tried it."
YoungJae looked at him, MinHyuk's confusion reflected exactly on YoungJae's face. "You... don't mind?"
"As long as I get her back, no," SungMin said. "I don't think you can make me jealous."
MinHyuk laughed. "I wish I had a recording of this," he said. "It'd be awesome."
"You'd get killed," EunHong said quietly, almost casually. "Like the first time you tried to tell anyone or threatened to tell anyone."
They all looked at her. MinHyuk could tell that she absolutely meant it, even if her expression looked unthreatening. If she looked threatening, she didn't mean it. A strange girl, yes, but he wouldn't trade her for the world.
"I wouldn't do that," MinHyuk said. "I'd just replay it in 20 years to get you all to laugh about how utterly ridiculous you all sound."
YoungJae laughed, soft and not very long, but a laugh. "You think we don't know it?" he asked.
"Yes, but I'll want to remind you," MinHyuk said.
EunHong rolled her eyes. "You're out of your mind," she said.
"It takes one to know one," MinHyuk said, and scooted backwards when she lunged at him. Her progress didn't go very far; both SungMin and YoungJae had hold of her arm and they pulled her back.
"Nope, no wasting this time," YoungJae said. "I like having both of you."
They went still, and MinHyuk burst into laughter, startling them all. "Your faces," he gasped, panting for breath. "You should see what you look like."
SungMin sighed. "You are an idiot," he said.
MinHyuk smiled.
"If you say that again, you'll regret it," EunHong said.
"I don't have to. You already thought it," MinHyuk said.
EunHong froze, and then sighed. "You're right."
MinHyuk smiled. "I know. How are you doing, YoungJae?"
YoungJae straightened slowly, and he looked better. Not great, but better, lighter, as if the time they'd taken had helped. "Good enough," he said.
SungMin let him go, and EunHong moved away from him, to give him room to stand up. "Thanks," YoungJae added, looking at all of them. "I really needed that."
"We could tell," SungMin said, pulling himself to his feet. "We didn't mind." He offered his hand to EunHong, and helped her up.
"I take it that means we're all ready to work?" MinHyuk asked, getting up himself.
"Yes," EunHong said. She didn't look mad, she didn't sound mad, and MinHyuk knew she'd still get back at him somehow. He actually looked forward to seeing what she'd do.
It helped. YoungJae couldn't have told them thank you enough for that time spent huddled with all three of them, surrounded by people who loved him, and who - at least in the case of SungMin and EunHong - didn't really understand any of it. He'd probably explain at some point, but he didn't know how, or when, or what he'd say. He just figured he owed them.
"You look tons better," MinHyuk said, laying an arm around YoungJae's shoulder in the car on the way home.
"I feel better," YoungJae said, willingly nestling into his side. "Thanks. For letting us have that time."
"I figured we'd get more done if you had it," MinHyuk said.
"Did you say anything to SungMin and EunHong?"
"No. They did that all on their own. Are you going to tell them?"
YoungJae sighed. "If the topic comes up, I will, yeah." He shook his head. "No, because the topic will never come up. I want to, though. So they understand." He thought a minute. "Do you think they'll understand?"
"I do," MinHyuk said, without hesitation. "They've got their own things going on, but I think that will only help them understand - or, if not understand, accept - you."
YoungJae laughed softly. "I guess that's even better than understanding," he said.
"Well, at least a close second," MinHyuk said. "What's going on with you?"
"I told JungMin," YoungJae said. "He... seemed to take it well enough, but I haven't heard from him all day. I know that's not much," he added, sounding almost desperate. "But usually I hear something."
MinHyuk squeezed him gently. "I know," he said. "It's hard when you're both doing this, but there's always time to even send a text saying hi. Or something. Did you text him?"
"Yeah. Just quick thanks for the evening, because it was fun, no matter how it turned out."
MinHyuk nodded. "Good. So the ball is all in his court."
"Which isn't really helpful, because I feel like I can't possibly manage any of this without screaming," YoungJae said. "I hate not knowing. I'm used to it, professionally, but personally, it's really hard to deal with. I just...."
MinHyuk laughed softly. "I know," he said. "I get that. It's rough."
"You're really lucky, you know," YoungJae said after a while, leaning into MinHyuk when the car turned. "Gunwoo seems like such a wonderful guy."
"I do know," MinHyuk said. "I am so lucky, and so blessed, and that's why I can be less... well. I mean, I can step back and let you guys have your times, too. I know it's not what the company wants, but I want people and not automatons, and they can go hang if things aren't going well. Besides, just a couple of minutes, or an hour, can sometimes make all the difference between three wasted days of trying to work, and one day of serious progress that would go farther than those three wasted days." He shrugged, and it rubbed YoungJae's' shoulder. "So we may never be Infinite, but we're Lucid, so we don't want to be Infinite."
"That is so convoluted, it actually makes sense," EunHong said, turning around to look at them.
SungMin turned as well. "I have to agree," he said, reached over, and tousled YoungJae's hair. "You sound like you feel better."
"I do," YoungJae said, and straightened. "I can't even tell you how much better I feel. Thank you so much for letting me cuddle with you for a while this afternoon. It meant a lot."
"We could tell," EunHong said. "I meant it. We're available for that any time."
"Almost," SungMin said, and winked at YoungJae. "Sometimes we'll want time to ourselves."
"Of course," YoungJae said, managing to sound mock-offended so they wouldn't know how close to tears he was. "I wouldn't impose that much."
EunHong smacked SungMin on the shoulder, and he grinned at her, unabashed. "It's true," he said. "I do want time with you."
"I know, but still." EunHong looked at YoungJae. "What...."
"We're here," HeeChul called from the front seat. "Everyone out."
Grateful for the interruption, YoungJae gathered his stuff as the others did the same, and followed them up the stairs to their dorm. He felt so much less fragile, and at the same time absolutely exhausted. It wasn't abnormal to him, He usually finished the day like that. At least, exhausted. He couldn't speak for the exhausted part of things.
HeeChul left them with the usual: "Pick up tomorrow at 7:00, be ready. EunHong, upstairs in 30 minutes. I will check."
"Yes, sir," she said, with a salute she'd perfected. HeeChul scowled at her and left again.
YoungJae felt their attention turn to him. "You up for talking?" SungMin asked.
"Only if you want to," EunHong added. "I'll admit I'm curious, but I also want to try to understand, and see if there's anything we can do to help."
YoungJae nodded. "Yeah," he said. "I don't know if it'll help me, but I'll give it a shot."
They sat down, and YoungJae hesitated, not sure what to say to start.
"You didn't hear anything from JungMin today," SungMin said when the silence continued to stretch longer than YoungJae had actually meant it to.
"No," YoungJae said, and straightened. "I... he came over last night, and we watched a movie. Well. Part of a movie. And then we didn't see the rest of it."
"Sounds familiar," EunHong said. "It happens to us a lot of times." SungMin grinned at her.
"We just... just made out, you know," YoungJae said, trying not to blush. Of all the stupid things to be talking about. "But then I stopped him."
They watched him, silent. At least MinHyuk had heard this, knew, and lay a hand on YoungJae's knee to help him stay grounded. "Why?" SungMin asked.
YoungJae took a deep breath. "I... I am not interested in sex," he said. "I don't ever want to have it. And I wanted him to know that before it got too far, and he... You know. Thought it should happen."
Comprehension crossed their faces, and SungMin looked at EunHong, something like understanding in his eyes. "And so you're giving him time," SungMin said.
"Well, he said he wouldn't leave me hanging," YoungJae said. "So I'm giving him as much benefit of the doubt as I can. I mean... I'm being patient."
EunHong leaned over and hugged him. "So we really don't have to worry about you trying to steal one of us from the other," she said, and kissed his cheek. "So no sex. Cuddles are good?"
"Yes," YoungJae said. "And I like a good make-out session as the next person, as long as it's with someone I'm interested in. I like romance, I like being close, just... not sex."
"Which is why MinHyuk is cuddling with you, too," SungMin said.
"I checked with Gunwoo, and he seemed okay with it," MinHyuk said. "I think he'll feel even better if you guys want to help out."
"You talked to him before last night, though," EunHong said. "Didn't you? Because no way you'd do that over text, and you haven't had a chance to talk to him."
"I talked to him last time we had a break, before last night," MinHyuk said.
"I was going crazy," YoungJae said. "I just got... lonely. I couldn't stand being around you because...." He hadn't meant to say that. "That's not right," he said, desperate not to hurt them. "I just got so jealous that you two could be together, and I rarely even got a chance to talk to JungMin, never mind sitting next to him under the same blanket to relax and hug. I don't want you to stop," he added firmly. "That's why I didn't say anything. You two are happy, and I don't want you to start to hate me because you think you can't do that when I'm around. So I told MinHyuk - because he insisted - and he suggested that maybe I could cuddle with him if he got permission from Gunwoo."
"That's why you were avoiding us," EunHong said.
"I was trying not to make it so obvious," YoungJae said. "I'm sorry. Yeah, that was it. I was just lonely and jealous. I think the cuddling with MinHyuk will help with both of those. And if not, we'll think of something else."
SungMin nodded, his hand wrapping around EunHong's. "The offer still stands," he said. "If you need our help, let us know. We can cuddle with you as well as each other, and it won't hurt either of us."
That did it. YoungJae buried his face in his hands and sobbed for the second time that day. "Thanks," he said though his tears. "I... I can't tell you how much that helps, just hearing it. I want you to tell me if it's too much. I can take it."
MinHyuk scooted closer and hugged him, pulling YoungJae to rest on him. "You think you'll get through this?"
"Even if he decides he can't deal with that, yeah," YoungJae said, the tears short-lived (thankfully). "I have you guys, and you're the best friends I could have asked for." A pleasant lethargy began to fill his limbs.
"I think we've worn ourselves out," MinHyuk said. "And 7:00 comes early. SungMin, you walk EunHong up, and I'll get YoungJae to bed. Come back soon. We need to sleep or we're going to have a hard time doing anything tomorrow, catharsis tonight or not."
YoungJae got sluggishly to his feet. "Thanks," he said, with a low bow to each of them. The last one made him stagger. "You have made my life so much easier. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help yours."
He barely saw them leave, following MinHyuk's tug on his hand into the bedroom. He undressed, got something on he could sleep in - he hoped it was his, he just took what MinHyuk gave him - and fell into bed. MinHyuk left as YoungJae checked his phone to see a message. ~Fun for me, too. Have a lot to think about. Talk to you tomorrow. Or at least text.~
The hope of something, no matter what, gave him such relief that he barely had time to put his phone under his pillow before he fell asleep.
"What are you going to tell him?" HyunSung asked when JungMin tucked his phone under his pillow.
"I have no idea," JungMin said. "I haven't really had a chance to think about everything."
HyunSung nodded. "I hope it works out," he said.
JungMin turned over to face the wall. Sex was all well and good, but. He wondered what it would be like without YoungJae in his life, at least, not that way. They could definitely stay friends. If he let YoungJae go, though, someone would find him, someone who didn't care about the sex thing....
He nearly gasped at the jealousy that filled him at the thought of someone else hugging, cuddling with, sleeping with (actually sleeping, not anything else), kissing YoungJae. He blinked at the wall, stunned at the strength of the feeling. He hadn't realized how strongly he felt. He really did like spending time with YoungJae. He enjoyed their conversations, and the way he kissed....
JungMin sighed. That made things clearer - maybe. Maybe they made them muddier. Sex was huge... but not that big. He enjoyed it, but he'd seen the way MinWoo was, unashamed of who he slept with and able to take or not the relationship that came with it. The maknae had so many girlfriends and boyfriends that JungMin had no idea how he kept them all straight. He wasn't like some JungMin knew, out for notches on the bedpost or whatever, but sex was just... that, and something MinWoo seemed to need.
JungMin had never felt like that. He didn't mind it, but he preferred a relationship to just casual sex. He knew MinWoo and YoungJae would never get along, but that... wasn't a problem. It was him and YoungJae.
So if sex was out, how did he get close?
There were ways, he knew. YoungJae wasn't by any shot the first to feel that way, just the first he'd ever met. Maybe he could find something online. And... he could just ask YoungJae. He'd probably know better than anyone else.
That settled - and a sudden realization that he'd actually made the decision without realizing it - he closed his eyes and went to sleep.
He looked forward to talking with YoungJae the next morning when he woke up, and pulled out his phone. No answer, but he had no idea what the day before had been like for YoungJae, or what time he had to get up.
His phone chimed when he came back from the shower. ~Morning. Sleep well?~
JungMin smiled. ~Yeah. Got a chance to talk on the phone sometime today?~
~I'll let you know,~ YoungJae sent, then seconds later, ~I have time now, if you do.~
Hands trembling, JungMin dialed the number and retreated to the balcony. "Hey," he said, when YoungJae answered. "You have some privacy?"
"Everyone's eating," YoungJae said. "You?"
"Balcony is a no-man's land. If one of us is out here, no one bugs him unless it's important." JungMin took a deep breath. "So, I was wondering when we could get together again."
YoungJae didn't answer for a while. "I don't see any free time in the schedule," he said. "I can ask and get back to you. What about you?"
"We've got a couple of evenings when KwangMin's off doing something," JungMin said. "That show of his, I think."
"Text me the dates, and I'll see what I can do." YoungJae hesitated. "Does this mean that you want... that it's okay?"
JungMin smiled. "It's okay," he said. "I thought about it last night, and yeah. It's all good. I don't mind... I mean, I thought about someone else cuddling with you, and just about got up to go hit that person, even if I didn't know who it was. Thank you," he added.
"You're welcome?" YoungJae said. "For what?"
"For telling me," JungMin said. "For giving me space. For trusting me."
"I love you," YoungJae said. "I didn't want to lie to you."
"I love you, too," JungMin said. "I will make sure that I do the same thing. Let you know when something is going on."
"Thank you," YoungJae said, and then sighed. "I am being yelled at. I think MinHyuk might kill me if I don't get something for breakfast."
"Think you can eat now?"
YoungJae chuckled. "Yeah," he said. "I think I can."
"Good. I look forward to your text."
"Thanks, JungMin. Later."
"Later." JungMin hung up and went inside, closing the door behind him.
"Got things straightened out?" DongHyun asked.
"I think so. He'll let me know if it's not," JungMin said.
DongHyun patted his shoulder. "Good."
"I don't think his feet are even touching the floor," SungMin said as YoungJae walked into the kitchen to sit down.
"They are too," YoungJae protested, and stamped his foot to prove it.
"You talked to JungMin," EunHong said.
"Yes," YoungJae said, reaching for the cereal. "He said he's okay with it. And that he'll tell me if he's not."
"Good," MinHyuk said. "Now all we have to do is make sure you get time with him."
"Which means you get time with Gunwoo," SungMin pointed out."
"Of course," MinHyuk said, and grinned. "Enlightened self interest. Helping others helps me."
EunHong laughed. "I have to remember that," she said. "It's perfect."
"Yep," MinHyuk said. "And it's the best way to keep HeeChul in check. That's why we have a fair amount of free time."
YoungJae laughed. "How?"
"I just point out to him that sometimes, if we get a chance to relax, we'll perform better. He usually takes one look at whoever I'm talking about and agrees."
"So we need to just look pathetic occasionally, and he'll back off?" EunHong asked.
"No," MinHyuk said. "Because I'll know you're faking."
"Do you get time off for you, too?" YoungJae asked.
"I don't usually feel I need it," MinHyuk said. "I get the time off when you do, remember?"
"True," EunHong said. "But still."
MinHyuk shook his head. "I'm fine," he said. "Now that this is worked out, let's get in and show them what it's like when we're all in top shape and happy, and see if we can't perfect the first half of the choreography today, if not more."
YoungJae added his voice to the chorus of agreements, and then began to eat so that he could be ready for the day.
Part 1
Disclaimer: Not mine, not true.
Fandoms: Speed (SungMin), B.A.P (YoungJae, rule 63!Zelo), Boyfriend (JungMin), Block B (Minhyuk), MYNAME (Gunwoo)
Lucid is a four piece group that clicked like some do in the Kpop industry. Which allows them to help each other through each problem they face.
The movie started making the kind of music YoungJae hated because he knew what was coming up. He glanced at the other three, then carefully extracted himself from the pile of them and climbed easily to his feet.
"Everything okay?" MinHyuk asked, sounding sleepy.
"Yeah," YoungJae said. "I'm off to bed." He yawned and stretched, and then went maybe faster than he needed to for the bedroom. He got into bed and just as he got comfortable, his phone rang. He checked the caller ID, and smiled as he answered. "Hey."
"I didn't wake you, did I?" JungMin asked. Behind him, YoungJae could hear the others moving around, sounding exhausted.
"No, I just went to bed. They're watching a movie."
"You didn't want to see it?" JungMin asked.
"No, not really," he YoungJae said. "I don't have any interest in it. You sound like you guys are working hard."
"Yeah," JungMin said and laughed gently. "I think DongHyun just realized that it's too much and we'll have to go a bit less intense tomorrow, unless he wants to lose the maknae line. They're so tired they're actually too tired to complain."
YoungJae let out a short laugh. "I've been there," he said. "I'm surprised you're not that tired."
"Oh, I'm tired, but I'm not insane enough to try a dance battle in the middle of a choreography-heavy day."
"Ouch," YoungJae said. "I bet they don't do that again."
"I bet they do. It's the way they work."
YoungJae chuckled. "I'm glad we have a different kind of insanity here," he said.
"It's a good thing you didn't say something about no insanity," JungMin said. "I would have laughed at you."
"I would have deserved it," YoungJae said. "Hey, any news on the next time we might get to meet again?"
"Hang on."
YoungJae pulled up his schedule as well, checking out the next time they had some free-ish time. It took some doing, but they eventually found a time they could meet. By the time the others came in for bed, YoungJae had hung up and nearly fallen asleep. He managed to tell his group mates good night before he finally fell asleep.
The time seemed to take forever - well, okay, it was forever - until he had a chance to meet with JungMin again. He knew that it would be like this, but he hadn't counted on SungMin and EunHong. They looked so happy, so... complete, and he couldn't stop the jealousy that bubbled up in him every time he saw them exchange a look, touch hands, anything.
Something had to change, but he didn't know what.
YoungJae tried not to make it obvious that he avoided SungMin and EunHong. It turned out impossible, so he at least managed to make it less that it was. He didn't want them to feel they couldn't hug, kiss, or any of that. Every time he saw them, he felt... less. Less of a person, less of a friend, just less.
"What's wrong?" MinHyuk asked one afternoon, his hand pressed gently to YoungJae's shoulder.
"Nothing," YoungJae said, and hid a wince in his book. He'd answered too fast.
MinHyuk took the book from his hands, set it on the couch out of reach, and sat next to him. "You don't lie well."
YoungJae folded his hands in his lap. "It's not anything anyone can help," he said.
"No one?" MinHyuk asked.
"No, not really." Well, maybe one person at the moment, but he couldn't help, he really couldn't.
"So, what is it?"
YoungMin shrugged.
"SungMin and EunHong think they've done something to make you mad," MinHyuk said after a moment.
"No. I tried to make it so they wouldn't think that," YoungJae said, shoulders hunching further.
"It's not them?"
"No. It's me."
MinHyuk's hand covered YoungJae's. "So what's wrong?" he asked again.
"Jealousy," YoungJae said. "And I'm lonely. I don't want them to think I don't want them together. I don't want them to hate me because they feel like they have to change the way they act when I'm around. I don't want them to know."
"Can I help?"
YoungJae shrugged again. "How? You have your own boyfriend."
"He can't be around most of the time. What's going on with JungMin?"
"He's busy," YoungJae said. "Like we are. We found a chance to get together, but it's like three weeks out."
"Ouch," MinHyuk said, and squeezed YoungJae's hands. "I'm sorry to hear that."
"Yeah. So." YoungJae shrugged yet again. "That's all it is. I don't want them to change. I just...."
"Just what?"
YoungJae felt his face flush. "Wish I had someone to cuddle with, sometimes."
MinHyuk looked at him, and YoungJae met his eyes, somewhat surprised not to see the scorn he expected. "Cuddle with?" Minhyuk asked.
YoungJae's face went hotter. "Yeah. Just... cuddle. Lean on someone, or have them lean on me. No kissing, no... anything else, just... cuddling." He'd like to kiss JungMin, but not anyone else. And definitely no one in the group.
MinHyuk nodded slowly. "If it's okay with my boyfriend, will I do?" he asked.
YoungJae's eyes widened. "Yeah," he said. "If it's okay, I'd like that."
"I'll ask him tomorrow night," MinHyuk promised.
"Thanks," YoungJae said, and had to hold himself back from leaning on MinHyuk and crying.
"He wants what?" Gunwoo asked, leaning up on one elbow to look down at MinHyuk.
"Someone to cuddle with," MinHyuk said. "He's looked miserable for the last couple of weeks."
"He's just lonely."
"Yeah. It's hard enough with you and me, with my schedule. His closest friend is another idol, and so they have to work around both schedules."
Gunwoo whistled. "Sounds like a nightmare," he agreed.
"The next time they can meet is in three weeks, and it's been a couple of weeks since the last time."
Gunwoo winced. "No wonder he's having a hard time," he said. "Are you okay with it?"
MinHyuk hesitated. "I think it'll help him," he said. "He's not interested in anything more than someone to share a blanket with while watching a movie or something."
"You're sure?"
"He said so, and I trust him." MinHyuk brushed his fingers down Gunwoo's cheek. "None of us have ever thought he seemed attracted to any of us. He doesn't mind my relationship with you, he's never tried to do anything inappropriate with any of us." He met GunWoo's eyes. "I'll tell him no if you don't want me to."
Gunwoo regarded him quietly. "Do you think it'll help him if you're there for him?"
"I do," MinHyuk said. "I feel like he'd be much better if he had a chance to cuddle with someone. I know I do, when we get the chance to spend time together."
Gunwoo nodded. "Okay. You'll tell me if something happens?"
MinHyuk sighed and kissed him. "Thank you," he said.
Gunwoo kissed him back.
YoungJae paced slowly, but still very much a pace. Thankfully, neither SungMin nor EunHong seemed to notice, but eventually YoungJae realized that he drove himself crazy and went into the bedroom. He settled onto his bed and checked his phone - possibly obsessive, but no one saw it but him - to find a text from JungMin.
~Actually have another window. What's your schedule Saturday?~
YoungJae scrambled out of bed, stopping halfway. ~Inkigayo,~ he texted back and dropped back into the bed.
~Postponed,~ JungMin sent immediately.
YoungJae scrambled again for the iPad that held their schedule, to find half the day suddenly empty. ~Oh. I'll talk to M when he gets in. Hope so.~
~Me, too,~ JungMin sent back.
YoungJae sat down on the edge of his bed. ~Busy? Can I call?~
Almost immediately, his phone rang, the opening lines of "Witch." YoungJae answered it. "Hey."
"You beat me to it," JungMin told him. "I was about to ask the same thing."
YoungJae lay down. "On a break?" he asked.
"A sort of stolen one," JungMin said. "Our official break started 15 minutes ago, and DongHyun fell asleep. The maknae line is zealously guarding him from any interruption."
YoungJae snickered. "I bet they are. Who's the ringleader?"
"Toss up between MinWoo and YoungMin, HyunSung thinks. I don't care. Enjoying your free evening?"
"Yeah, except I'm restless, so maybe not as much as I might. Any news on what is going on Saturday?"
"I figure it's something from the Blue House. That's about all that'll postpone those."
"True," YoungJae agreed.
"So, you're not doing anything choreography-heavy this round. Do you think you'll be able to join me somewhere?"
"Depends on if MinHyuk wants to get a start on the choreography for the follow up, but he's got someone he wants to see, too. So maybe. I think. Hope so. Wishing hard."
JungMin laughed softly. "Yeah. Um. Sounds like leader-nim is awake. Text me when you know anything."
"I will. See ya."
"Bye."
YoungJae hung up, tucked his phone under his pillow, and closed his eyes. He slept almost immediately.
"Inikgayo was cancelled. Or postponed. Or something," YoungJae said once EunHong had joined them for breakfast the next morning.
MinHyuk, SungMin, and EunHong stared at him. "What?" MinHyuk asked.
YoungJae grinned. "I heard from JungMin. He's got a free afternoon. I thought we might want to plan.... something."
"Like get out of here?" SungMin asked, the question more aimed at EunHong than anyone else.
"Yes," MinHyuk said, and got up. "I'll check with HeeChul, and see if we can get out."
"I probably won't go with you," YoungJae said. "Sorry."
"I don't know that it'll be something we all want to do together," MinHyuk said.
EunHong laughed. "I have to agree," she said. "You just want to spend time with Gunwoo."
"Yes," MinHyuk said. "Which is not a problem, right? We all get to play with our favorite people."
SungMin grinned. "I'm all for that," he said.
"Good," MinHyuk said, and dialed as he left the room. He returned a few minutes later. "So here's the problem."
SungMin groaned. EunHong smacked his shoulder.
"We're starting the new choreography this week for the follow up, and HeeChul wants us to have at least some practice Saturday."
"That's not unreasonable," YoungJae said.
"Yes, it is," SungMin said.
"Stop it," EunHong said, laughing. "It is not."
"So I'll let you know when we can get out of practice, so we can make plans." MinHyuk looked pleased, and YoungJae figured he could deal with that.
SungMin and EunHong left the kitchen to get ready, and MinHyuk stopped YoungJae by taking his wrist. "I talked to Gunwoo last night," he said.
YoungJae turned to face him, not sure how to feel. "What did he say?"
"He's okay with the idea," MinHyuk said. "Not that I think you'll need it too much for a while, but it's okay."
"Thank you," YoungJae said. "I appreciate that. Do... you think we can get some time off Saturday?"
"I think we can all even clear out, if you need a place to meet JungMin," MinHyuk said. "I'll see what we can come up with."
YoungJae smiled, trying not to cry. "Sounds perfect," he said. "Thanks."
"Are you sure this is okay?" JungMin asked as YoungJae backed up to let him in.
"Yes," YoungJae said, and smiled. "Come on in. Do you want something?"
"No, I'm good," JungMin said, and took his wrist. "Is everything okay?"
YoungJae turned to look at him. "It's fine," he said. "I'm fine. I got the movie, if you want to watch it, and we have popcorn."
JungMin laughed. "You mean, they won't get mad if you eat the popcorn?"
"Nope," YoungJae said, grinning back at him. "They don't know about this stash. it's all mine, just for us."
"Smart," JungMin said.
He followed as YoungJae popped the popcorn, lounging casually against the counter, offering to help when needed. They finally got into the front room, where JungMin pulled out some of the candy he'd brought.
YoungJae didn't miss the looks JungMin kept sending him, but he didn't ignore them, looking back in something like invitation. The movie got ignored as JungMin scooted closer.
"Hey," he said, and turned the movie down. YoungJae didn't care really, curious about what JungMin wanted. "I just wanted to know exactly... I mean, I wanted you to know that I really like you."
"What do you mean?" YoungJae asked, leaning closer.
"I mean, I find you attractive," JungMin said, looking and sounding somewhat nervous.
YoungJae bit his lip. "You're one of the best looking guys I've ever met," he said, and JungMin's expression eased.
"That's a relief to hear, even if it sounds egotistical," JungMin said.
YoungJae laughed. "I think it can be excused this time," he said. "So... what do we do now?"
"Well," JungMin said. "I'd like to kiss you, if I may."
YoungJae shifted closer. "I wouldn't mind that at all," he said, hiding the nerves in his stomach, the way it twisted.
JungMin met him halfway and kissed him. YoungJae forgot about the movie and everything else. "There's a thing," he said, sometime later.
JungMin drew back. "A thing?" he asked, reaching for the remote. He paused the movie, the sudden silence a surprise.
"Yeah." YoungJae's hands twisted in his shirt. "Before it get too far."
JungMin's smile twisted. "Too far?"
"I..." YoungJae swallowed. "I'm not interested in having sex. Ever."
JungMin blinked at him. "Ever?"
YoungJae shook his head. "I... that's what I mean. I don't want you to go into this thinking it might get that far. Not that I think... I mean...."
JungMin held his hand up and YoungJae stopped stuttering. "I understand," he said, his tone still kind. "You just...."
"I'm not interested," YoungJae said. "I like... I mean, I like kissing, I like cuddling. I like romance, but I'm not interested in sex. At all. I just... wanted you to know, so you didn't think you'd wasted your time."
JungMin's uplifted hand fell on YoungJae's thigh. "Oh," he said, and YoungJae thought he understood. "I don't see any reason to stop for tonight. I don't know about later, but I will let you know. I won't leave you hanging."
YoungJae smiled, hiding his relief. "Thank you," he said.
As an official first date, it wasn't a bad one. At least, that part had gone well.
"You busy?"
HyunSung looked up, brow furrowed. "No. What's up?"
JungMin laughed shortly. "I'm... I have something to think about. And I'd like to talk to you and see what you think."
HyunSung leaned back. "Are you sure?"
JungMin nodded. "Yes," he said. "I just... I trust you not to make anything out of it."
HyunSung nodded and patted the bed next to him. "Sit down," he said.
JungMin did, and then leaned back on his hands. "I...." he started, then stopped again. "I have a friend," he said, feeling lame, because everyone did this, and everyone knew they didn't actually have a friend. "He's falling for a girl, who, he just found out, isn't interested in having sex. Ever."
HyunSung nodded slowly. "That happens," he said softly. "What's the question?"
"Is it worth the... Is it worth it to even get close to her?"
HyunSung frowned. "I guess that depends," he said. "If your friend is just in it for sex, then no."
JungMin sighed. "True, but if he wants, eventually, to have sex with this girl...."
"He'll have to deal, I guess," HyunSung said. "He'll have to figure out what is really important."
"What does he do if he does want to keep dating her? I mean, that's a serious problem."
"He'll have to figure it out on his own, and he'll have to decide what's the way he wants to go on it. Not to mention talking to the girl."
JungMin nodded. "Yeah. I'll talk to him. Thanks."
He got up and let himself out, thoughts swirling even more.
The next day passed in a blur, and somehow JungMin managed to keep it together enough not to show how off he felt. It apparently didn't work, because DongHyun pulled him aside when the others straggled off to bed. "You seem preoccupied," he said. "Can I help?"
JungMin shrugged. "I don't know if anyone can," he said. "I guess... can I talk to you?"
"Always," DongHyun said, and didn't even sound like he'd rather go to bed. "Now?"
"If it's a good time," JungMin said.
"It's perfect," DongHyun said, and ushered him toward the couch. "What's on your mind?"
JungMin took a deep breath, and explained it much the way he had with HyunSung. DongHyun didn't try to second guess him, didn't even give a sign that he knew who JungMin really meant. It helped.
"You want to know what to tell your friend."
"Yes," JungMin said.
"I don't know that you can tell him anything concrete," DongHyun said. "His girl sounds like she's pretty important, and it sounds like she's been hurt because of this before."
JungMin stared at him. "Why do you say that?"
"Because of the way she reacted, the way she told him. It's definitely normal in our society, that sex is just... part of the relationship. Having someone not interested is kind of weird."
JungMin sighed in relief. "I thought so, too," he said. "I've never heard of someone just not interested."
"So the decision has to come on other fronts. And, frankly, if what he'll get out of the relationship outstrips what he thinks he'll miss."
"The sex."
"Yes." DongHyun took a deep breath. "I just hope he doesn't leave her hanging too long. It gets nerve-wracking on a normal level, and this is... not what we'd call normal."
"No," JungMin said. "She doesn't mind kissing, hugging, that sort of thing, but... it's not quite the same."
"No. And if sex is that important to him, maybe he'd better let her go."
JungMin nodded thoughtfully. "I'll pass on the information," he said. "Thanks. You look like you need sleep."
"Check the mirror," DongHyun said, getting to his feet. "You look like you've already fallen asleep, but your eyes don't know it yet."
JungMin laughed and followed him into the bedroom.
They all noticed the silence. YoungJae seemed to have shrunk into himself, almost convulsively avoiding his phone. He looked miserable, in unguarded moments between songs, when he thought no one was looking. MinHyuk didn't have time to do anything, at least not what he wanted, or to ask YoungJae what he needed. During each break, HeeChul had something else for him, and he barely had time to get a drink before he had to go back to work.
The third time it happened, he caught something in the mirror, and had to smile. SungMin and EunHong sat on either side of YoungJae, not talking or anything, just leaning on him. He looked relaxed, just a little, and enough for MinHyuk to feel better.
When he turned back to the three, YoungJae had curled into SungMin, and he and EunHong cuddled closer to him, the three making up almost a circle. Without a second thought, MinHyuk went to join them, completing the circle. He didn't realize YoungJae cried until then. EunHong gave him a look that said she didn't understand, and then looked at the door.
"We're on our own for a bit," MinHyuk said in answer to that.
YoungJae tried to straighten up, wiping at his face, but SungMin tightened his grip on him. "No," he said. "Get it all out, and it'll go better."
"It might not," YoungJae said.
"It will," EunHong said. "At least for a while, if not forever."
YoungJae glanced at her. "I'm sorry to take your boyfriend," he said.
EunHong squeezed him. "You are welcome to borrow him for short times," she teased gently. "But you have to borrow me, too, sometimes."
YoungJae looked at her, smiling through his tears. "You're too tall," he said.
SungMin snorted. "Actually, she's really comfortable to lean on, so don't knock it until you've tried it."
YoungJae looked at him, MinHyuk's confusion reflected exactly on YoungJae's face. "You... don't mind?"
"As long as I get her back, no," SungMin said. "I don't think you can make me jealous."
MinHyuk laughed. "I wish I had a recording of this," he said. "It'd be awesome."
"You'd get killed," EunHong said quietly, almost casually. "Like the first time you tried to tell anyone or threatened to tell anyone."
They all looked at her. MinHyuk could tell that she absolutely meant it, even if her expression looked unthreatening. If she looked threatening, she didn't mean it. A strange girl, yes, but he wouldn't trade her for the world.
"I wouldn't do that," MinHyuk said. "I'd just replay it in 20 years to get you all to laugh about how utterly ridiculous you all sound."
YoungJae laughed, soft and not very long, but a laugh. "You think we don't know it?" he asked.
"Yes, but I'll want to remind you," MinHyuk said.
EunHong rolled her eyes. "You're out of your mind," she said.
"It takes one to know one," MinHyuk said, and scooted backwards when she lunged at him. Her progress didn't go very far; both SungMin and YoungJae had hold of her arm and they pulled her back.
"Nope, no wasting this time," YoungJae said. "I like having both of you."
They went still, and MinHyuk burst into laughter, startling them all. "Your faces," he gasped, panting for breath. "You should see what you look like."
SungMin sighed. "You are an idiot," he said.
MinHyuk smiled.
"If you say that again, you'll regret it," EunHong said.
"I don't have to. You already thought it," MinHyuk said.
EunHong froze, and then sighed. "You're right."
MinHyuk smiled. "I know. How are you doing, YoungJae?"
YoungJae straightened slowly, and he looked better. Not great, but better, lighter, as if the time they'd taken had helped. "Good enough," he said.
SungMin let him go, and EunHong moved away from him, to give him room to stand up. "Thanks," YoungJae added, looking at all of them. "I really needed that."
"We could tell," SungMin said, pulling himself to his feet. "We didn't mind." He offered his hand to EunHong, and helped her up.
"I take it that means we're all ready to work?" MinHyuk asked, getting up himself.
"Yes," EunHong said. She didn't look mad, she didn't sound mad, and MinHyuk knew she'd still get back at him somehow. He actually looked forward to seeing what she'd do.
It helped. YoungJae couldn't have told them thank you enough for that time spent huddled with all three of them, surrounded by people who loved him, and who - at least in the case of SungMin and EunHong - didn't really understand any of it. He'd probably explain at some point, but he didn't know how, or when, or what he'd say. He just figured he owed them.
"You look tons better," MinHyuk said, laying an arm around YoungJae's shoulder in the car on the way home.
"I feel better," YoungJae said, willingly nestling into his side. "Thanks. For letting us have that time."
"I figured we'd get more done if you had it," MinHyuk said.
"Did you say anything to SungMin and EunHong?"
"No. They did that all on their own. Are you going to tell them?"
YoungJae sighed. "If the topic comes up, I will, yeah." He shook his head. "No, because the topic will never come up. I want to, though. So they understand." He thought a minute. "Do you think they'll understand?"
"I do," MinHyuk said, without hesitation. "They've got their own things going on, but I think that will only help them understand - or, if not understand, accept - you."
YoungJae laughed softly. "I guess that's even better than understanding," he said.
"Well, at least a close second," MinHyuk said. "What's going on with you?"
"I told JungMin," YoungJae said. "He... seemed to take it well enough, but I haven't heard from him all day. I know that's not much," he added, sounding almost desperate. "But usually I hear something."
MinHyuk squeezed him gently. "I know," he said. "It's hard when you're both doing this, but there's always time to even send a text saying hi. Or something. Did you text him?"
"Yeah. Just quick thanks for the evening, because it was fun, no matter how it turned out."
MinHyuk nodded. "Good. So the ball is all in his court."
"Which isn't really helpful, because I feel like I can't possibly manage any of this without screaming," YoungJae said. "I hate not knowing. I'm used to it, professionally, but personally, it's really hard to deal with. I just...."
MinHyuk laughed softly. "I know," he said. "I get that. It's rough."
"You're really lucky, you know," YoungJae said after a while, leaning into MinHyuk when the car turned. "Gunwoo seems like such a wonderful guy."
"I do know," MinHyuk said. "I am so lucky, and so blessed, and that's why I can be less... well. I mean, I can step back and let you guys have your times, too. I know it's not what the company wants, but I want people and not automatons, and they can go hang if things aren't going well. Besides, just a couple of minutes, or an hour, can sometimes make all the difference between three wasted days of trying to work, and one day of serious progress that would go farther than those three wasted days." He shrugged, and it rubbed YoungJae's' shoulder. "So we may never be Infinite, but we're Lucid, so we don't want to be Infinite."
"That is so convoluted, it actually makes sense," EunHong said, turning around to look at them.
SungMin turned as well. "I have to agree," he said, reached over, and tousled YoungJae's hair. "You sound like you feel better."
"I do," YoungJae said, and straightened. "I can't even tell you how much better I feel. Thank you so much for letting me cuddle with you for a while this afternoon. It meant a lot."
"We could tell," EunHong said. "I meant it. We're available for that any time."
"Almost," SungMin said, and winked at YoungJae. "Sometimes we'll want time to ourselves."
"Of course," YoungJae said, managing to sound mock-offended so they wouldn't know how close to tears he was. "I wouldn't impose that much."
EunHong smacked SungMin on the shoulder, and he grinned at her, unabashed. "It's true," he said. "I do want time with you."
"I know, but still." EunHong looked at YoungJae. "What...."
"We're here," HeeChul called from the front seat. "Everyone out."
Grateful for the interruption, YoungJae gathered his stuff as the others did the same, and followed them up the stairs to their dorm. He felt so much less fragile, and at the same time absolutely exhausted. It wasn't abnormal to him, He usually finished the day like that. At least, exhausted. He couldn't speak for the exhausted part of things.
HeeChul left them with the usual: "Pick up tomorrow at 7:00, be ready. EunHong, upstairs in 30 minutes. I will check."
"Yes, sir," she said, with a salute she'd perfected. HeeChul scowled at her and left again.
YoungJae felt their attention turn to him. "You up for talking?" SungMin asked.
"Only if you want to," EunHong added. "I'll admit I'm curious, but I also want to try to understand, and see if there's anything we can do to help."
YoungJae nodded. "Yeah," he said. "I don't know if it'll help me, but I'll give it a shot."
They sat down, and YoungJae hesitated, not sure what to say to start.
"You didn't hear anything from JungMin today," SungMin said when the silence continued to stretch longer than YoungJae had actually meant it to.
"No," YoungJae said, and straightened. "I... he came over last night, and we watched a movie. Well. Part of a movie. And then we didn't see the rest of it."
"Sounds familiar," EunHong said. "It happens to us a lot of times." SungMin grinned at her.
"We just... just made out, you know," YoungJae said, trying not to blush. Of all the stupid things to be talking about. "But then I stopped him."
They watched him, silent. At least MinHyuk had heard this, knew, and lay a hand on YoungJae's knee to help him stay grounded. "Why?" SungMin asked.
YoungJae took a deep breath. "I... I am not interested in sex," he said. "I don't ever want to have it. And I wanted him to know that before it got too far, and he... You know. Thought it should happen."
Comprehension crossed their faces, and SungMin looked at EunHong, something like understanding in his eyes. "And so you're giving him time," SungMin said.
"Well, he said he wouldn't leave me hanging," YoungJae said. "So I'm giving him as much benefit of the doubt as I can. I mean... I'm being patient."
EunHong leaned over and hugged him. "So we really don't have to worry about you trying to steal one of us from the other," she said, and kissed his cheek. "So no sex. Cuddles are good?"
"Yes," YoungJae said. "And I like a good make-out session as the next person, as long as it's with someone I'm interested in. I like romance, I like being close, just... not sex."
"Which is why MinHyuk is cuddling with you, too," SungMin said.
"I checked with Gunwoo, and he seemed okay with it," MinHyuk said. "I think he'll feel even better if you guys want to help out."
"You talked to him before last night, though," EunHong said. "Didn't you? Because no way you'd do that over text, and you haven't had a chance to talk to him."
"I talked to him last time we had a break, before last night," MinHyuk said.
"I was going crazy," YoungJae said. "I just got... lonely. I couldn't stand being around you because...." He hadn't meant to say that. "That's not right," he said, desperate not to hurt them. "I just got so jealous that you two could be together, and I rarely even got a chance to talk to JungMin, never mind sitting next to him under the same blanket to relax and hug. I don't want you to stop," he added firmly. "That's why I didn't say anything. You two are happy, and I don't want you to start to hate me because you think you can't do that when I'm around. So I told MinHyuk - because he insisted - and he suggested that maybe I could cuddle with him if he got permission from Gunwoo."
"That's why you were avoiding us," EunHong said.
"I was trying not to make it so obvious," YoungJae said. "I'm sorry. Yeah, that was it. I was just lonely and jealous. I think the cuddling with MinHyuk will help with both of those. And if not, we'll think of something else."
SungMin nodded, his hand wrapping around EunHong's. "The offer still stands," he said. "If you need our help, let us know. We can cuddle with you as well as each other, and it won't hurt either of us."
That did it. YoungJae buried his face in his hands and sobbed for the second time that day. "Thanks," he said though his tears. "I... I can't tell you how much that helps, just hearing it. I want you to tell me if it's too much. I can take it."
MinHyuk scooted closer and hugged him, pulling YoungJae to rest on him. "You think you'll get through this?"
"Even if he decides he can't deal with that, yeah," YoungJae said, the tears short-lived (thankfully). "I have you guys, and you're the best friends I could have asked for." A pleasant lethargy began to fill his limbs.
"I think we've worn ourselves out," MinHyuk said. "And 7:00 comes early. SungMin, you walk EunHong up, and I'll get YoungJae to bed. Come back soon. We need to sleep or we're going to have a hard time doing anything tomorrow, catharsis tonight or not."
YoungJae got sluggishly to his feet. "Thanks," he said, with a low bow to each of them. The last one made him stagger. "You have made my life so much easier. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help yours."
He barely saw them leave, following MinHyuk's tug on his hand into the bedroom. He undressed, got something on he could sleep in - he hoped it was his, he just took what MinHyuk gave him - and fell into bed. MinHyuk left as YoungJae checked his phone to see a message. ~Fun for me, too. Have a lot to think about. Talk to you tomorrow. Or at least text.~
The hope of something, no matter what, gave him such relief that he barely had time to put his phone under his pillow before he fell asleep.
"What are you going to tell him?" HyunSung asked when JungMin tucked his phone under his pillow.
"I have no idea," JungMin said. "I haven't really had a chance to think about everything."
HyunSung nodded. "I hope it works out," he said.
JungMin turned over to face the wall. Sex was all well and good, but. He wondered what it would be like without YoungJae in his life, at least, not that way. They could definitely stay friends. If he let YoungJae go, though, someone would find him, someone who didn't care about the sex thing....
He nearly gasped at the jealousy that filled him at the thought of someone else hugging, cuddling with, sleeping with (actually sleeping, not anything else), kissing YoungJae. He blinked at the wall, stunned at the strength of the feeling. He hadn't realized how strongly he felt. He really did like spending time with YoungJae. He enjoyed their conversations, and the way he kissed....
JungMin sighed. That made things clearer - maybe. Maybe they made them muddier. Sex was huge... but not that big. He enjoyed it, but he'd seen the way MinWoo was, unashamed of who he slept with and able to take or not the relationship that came with it. The maknae had so many girlfriends and boyfriends that JungMin had no idea how he kept them all straight. He wasn't like some JungMin knew, out for notches on the bedpost or whatever, but sex was just... that, and something MinWoo seemed to need.
JungMin had never felt like that. He didn't mind it, but he preferred a relationship to just casual sex. He knew MinWoo and YoungJae would never get along, but that... wasn't a problem. It was him and YoungJae.
So if sex was out, how did he get close?
There were ways, he knew. YoungJae wasn't by any shot the first to feel that way, just the first he'd ever met. Maybe he could find something online. And... he could just ask YoungJae. He'd probably know better than anyone else.
That settled - and a sudden realization that he'd actually made the decision without realizing it - he closed his eyes and went to sleep.
He looked forward to talking with YoungJae the next morning when he woke up, and pulled out his phone. No answer, but he had no idea what the day before had been like for YoungJae, or what time he had to get up.
His phone chimed when he came back from the shower. ~Morning. Sleep well?~
JungMin smiled. ~Yeah. Got a chance to talk on the phone sometime today?~
~I'll let you know,~ YoungJae sent, then seconds later, ~I have time now, if you do.~
Hands trembling, JungMin dialed the number and retreated to the balcony. "Hey," he said, when YoungJae answered. "You have some privacy?"
"Everyone's eating," YoungJae said. "You?"
"Balcony is a no-man's land. If one of us is out here, no one bugs him unless it's important." JungMin took a deep breath. "So, I was wondering when we could get together again."
YoungJae didn't answer for a while. "I don't see any free time in the schedule," he said. "I can ask and get back to you. What about you?"
"We've got a couple of evenings when KwangMin's off doing something," JungMin said. "That show of his, I think."
"Text me the dates, and I'll see what I can do." YoungJae hesitated. "Does this mean that you want... that it's okay?"
JungMin smiled. "It's okay," he said. "I thought about it last night, and yeah. It's all good. I don't mind... I mean, I thought about someone else cuddling with you, and just about got up to go hit that person, even if I didn't know who it was. Thank you," he added.
"You're welcome?" YoungJae said. "For what?"
"For telling me," JungMin said. "For giving me space. For trusting me."
"I love you," YoungJae said. "I didn't want to lie to you."
"I love you, too," JungMin said. "I will make sure that I do the same thing. Let you know when something is going on."
"Thank you," YoungJae said, and then sighed. "I am being yelled at. I think MinHyuk might kill me if I don't get something for breakfast."
"Think you can eat now?"
YoungJae chuckled. "Yeah," he said. "I think I can."
"Good. I look forward to your text."
"Thanks, JungMin. Later."
"Later." JungMin hung up and went inside, closing the door behind him.
"Got things straightened out?" DongHyun asked.
"I think so. He'll let me know if it's not," JungMin said.
DongHyun patted his shoulder. "Good."
"I don't think his feet are even touching the floor," SungMin said as YoungJae walked into the kitchen to sit down.
"They are too," YoungJae protested, and stamped his foot to prove it.
"You talked to JungMin," EunHong said.
"Yes," YoungJae said, reaching for the cereal. "He said he's okay with it. And that he'll tell me if he's not."
"Good," MinHyuk said. "Now all we have to do is make sure you get time with him."
"Which means you get time with Gunwoo," SungMin pointed out."
"Of course," MinHyuk said, and grinned. "Enlightened self interest. Helping others helps me."
EunHong laughed. "I have to remember that," she said. "It's perfect."
"Yep," MinHyuk said. "And it's the best way to keep HeeChul in check. That's why we have a fair amount of free time."
YoungJae laughed. "How?"
"I just point out to him that sometimes, if we get a chance to relax, we'll perform better. He usually takes one look at whoever I'm talking about and agrees."
"So we need to just look pathetic occasionally, and he'll back off?" EunHong asked.
"No," MinHyuk said. "Because I'll know you're faking."
"Do you get time off for you, too?" YoungJae asked.
"I don't usually feel I need it," MinHyuk said. "I get the time off when you do, remember?"
"True," EunHong said. "But still."
MinHyuk shook his head. "I'm fine," he said. "Now that this is worked out, let's get in and show them what it's like when we're all in top shape and happy, and see if we can't perfect the first half of the choreography today, if not more."
YoungJae added his voice to the chorus of agreements, and then began to eat so that he could be ready for the day.
Part 1