Manic depression's a frustrated mess
This whole depression thing is so vague. As a person who overthinks things; it is hard not to overthink the problems which come about when I overthink things. I am, at the moment, not "depressed" in any particular way. I don't feel like I am completely me either. Perhaps I have been in and out of misery for so many years now that I don't really know me anyway and simply assume that whatever aspect of me which is seemingly more productive is the real me.
I feel like Bernard Marx in Brave New World; except that I am not refusing the Soma...I am taking it (Zoloft= neo-soma). It's true that I have only experienced what I would consider happiness in short bursts...so I am not too clear on exactly what "happiness" is... However, my lack of depression has not manifested any increase in "happiness" and has been rather depressing in its own right. I don't feel like I have been alleviated of this chemical imbalance that "makes" me depressed. My depression has always made sense to me in a logical way. Of course, the reasons for my depression are just as valid as they ever were, and yet I am not noticeably depressed anymore. It feels like I am taking medication that makes me not ruminate negatively. It isn't as if I view my depressed self as irrationally pessimistic. I think I was actually more in-tune to the nature of my surroundings while void of any meds. I am very uncomfortable taking something that is apparently prohibiting my focus on certain undeniable truths. Ignorance is quite the opposite of bliss in my mind. Not that pills are making me ignorant...but they seem to get me into a mode where I "do" more and have to force myself to get lost in thought; which has always come naturally. This is still somewhat difficult for me to explain...perhaps I will have a clearer understanding of things sometime later on.
I feel like Bernard Marx in Brave New World; except that I am not refusing the Soma...I am taking it (Zoloft= neo-soma). It's true that I have only experienced what I would consider happiness in short bursts...so I am not too clear on exactly what "happiness" is... However, my lack of depression has not manifested any increase in "happiness" and has been rather depressing in its own right. I don't feel like I have been alleviated of this chemical imbalance that "makes" me depressed. My depression has always made sense to me in a logical way. Of course, the reasons for my depression are just as valid as they ever were, and yet I am not noticeably depressed anymore. It feels like I am taking medication that makes me not ruminate negatively. It isn't as if I view my depressed self as irrationally pessimistic. I think I was actually more in-tune to the nature of my surroundings while void of any meds. I am very uncomfortable taking something that is apparently prohibiting my focus on certain undeniable truths. Ignorance is quite the opposite of bliss in my mind. Not that pills are making me ignorant...but they seem to get me into a mode where I "do" more and have to force myself to get lost in thought; which has always come naturally. This is still somewhat difficult for me to explain...perhaps I will have a clearer understanding of things sometime later on.