Edge Rider
I remember when I was a good student.
I remember when I was a better friend, a better daughter.
I remember when I kicked ass at the piano.
I remember when I wrote better music.
I remember when I used to get the tingly feeling down my spine when I kissed someone.
I remember when I used to have stronger faith in so many more things.
I remember when a day would pass and I didn't have the underlying stress I do now- the stress I have struggled with since October of LAST YEAR, and there has not been a day that has passed in my life since without it.
All of these things are my fault, I'm sure. I'm told this is the self-sacfricing aspect of my personality, but honestly, I think it's true. I'm not going to deny that some people can just suck, to put it elementary, and would have hurt me no matter how I tried to show them how not to. That's OK, fuck 'em. I can forgive but I can never forget. I wish I could say I'll learn from it and actually put that into exercise, and when I'm gone from this glove of dirt and etc., to be someone who lived, not died.
As far as most my stress goes, I feel confident that once I finish up my classes from semesterS past, I'll be able to breathe a bit deeper and focus on not sucking and avoiding the majority of those who have an overwhelming ability to do so. Or at least learn how to make it so their misfortunes don't paralyze me as well. But that's a long way coming, as I have a lot of work to do. It's unfortunate what I have let this come down to. Athletic eligability, Spain, my job, and hell, my future(or lack there-of) at this school is all riding on if I can finish, and soon. If not for all of the above, for my family. I already lost most my scholarships, and they have sacrificed more than I deserve to give me more chances to get back on my feet. I have just learned that if I cannot complete my courses and bring my GPA up enough, I'll lose everything, and be forced to pay over 30,000 to continue to go here. Not worth it. And it's my fault.
It's my fault I rested too much on the faith I give people and let them hurt me in the ways that they did, instead of focusing on what I needed to do and what was important to me. The downward spiral began last October, and has had a snowball effect into the present. I sacrificed so much and LET people damn near destroy me, and depress the hell INTO me.
You put off tragedy for another day,
Well my friend, today's that day...
I hit the ground with outstretched hands
And now I know you're not my friends
-NT
I know this song has been sung before, but I have become so determined to try and make up for all I have failed. I'll never be able to, but damnit I'm going to try. I am going to write music again, lyrics and note, and I'm going to dust off my keyboard and I'm going to put my heart into it. I'm going to be more dedicated to my workouts, and continue into the off season, because I am going to break the women's pole vault record here at Redlands before I leave. I am going to try and be better at my job, because the people who live in my hall deserve more than just a half-ass, and for those who read this, I'm sorry that's all I've been so far. Same things goes to my other friends, and my family. I'm so sorry I haven't been there as I should.
'The moment I let go was the moment I got more than I could handle', and I wish I was done with being done. I would say I am, but I know myself better than that. I'm a work in progress. As we all are, I suppose.
Things may suck now - I'm broke, my poor car needs more work, unforgettable stress, fucking arrogant people.. etc, etc., but there is a lot I am thankful for. My friends, old, new and potential, and family, of course- my mom and dad, though they may have their horribly obvious differences, still find a way to love me and give me every chance I may not deserve,,, and my brother Tyler, who is my hero(though I don't believe in heroes per se-- only ones personal to someone, not public to a community, because those heroes, ones who are seen as to be belived in and not believed in to be seen, are attention thirsty and hardly selfless) for giving me strength through his individuality. Finding my way to East Hall, definitely, a blessing in to what most see as a disguise. I am thankful for being able to smile when a resident notices a new necklace, not neccessarily because I care of such material things, but for the seemingly minor act itself, and the sincere ability to notice such details, whatever they may be. I am thankful that my mainframe chose mercy after I spilled water across it, and that I have friends like Mat whose sleeping patterns pollute into the early hours of the day and are able to calm me down after doing such a stupid act during them. I'm thankful for my ability and love to write, though I appologze you may not see it here.
Looking at everything I listed that I remember, I have to wonder if that is only who I was, and now it's too late to go back and I'm already set on a path to who I will be. I suppose that I'll never be able to grow back, but at least I claim that I learned a hell of a lot and pushed aside a lot of ignorance, especially with respect to relationships- which I don't even know how I could put my feelings into words about in total, and this I guess isn't meant for that now, but what I will say it this. I feel like I'm screaming inside and nobody can hear me. My heart is jumping and it doesn't know where to land, because where it used to is now where it enevitably gets hurt. It's like I'm in a perpetual game of chutes and ladders, where I finally climb to 99, and then hit a chute and return to 2.
Perhaps there is nothing too profound that was said here, but for now, that's what I have.
I remember when I was a better friend, a better daughter.
I remember when I kicked ass at the piano.
I remember when I wrote better music.
I remember when I used to get the tingly feeling down my spine when I kissed someone.
I remember when I used to have stronger faith in so many more things.
I remember when a day would pass and I didn't have the underlying stress I do now- the stress I have struggled with since October of LAST YEAR, and there has not been a day that has passed in my life since without it.
All of these things are my fault, I'm sure. I'm told this is the self-sacfricing aspect of my personality, but honestly, I think it's true. I'm not going to deny that some people can just suck, to put it elementary, and would have hurt me no matter how I tried to show them how not to. That's OK, fuck 'em. I can forgive but I can never forget. I wish I could say I'll learn from it and actually put that into exercise, and when I'm gone from this glove of dirt and etc., to be someone who lived, not died.
As far as most my stress goes, I feel confident that once I finish up my classes from semesterS past, I'll be able to breathe a bit deeper and focus on not sucking and avoiding the majority of those who have an overwhelming ability to do so. Or at least learn how to make it so their misfortunes don't paralyze me as well. But that's a long way coming, as I have a lot of work to do. It's unfortunate what I have let this come down to. Athletic eligability, Spain, my job, and hell, my future(or lack there-of) at this school is all riding on if I can finish, and soon. If not for all of the above, for my family. I already lost most my scholarships, and they have sacrificed more than I deserve to give me more chances to get back on my feet. I have just learned that if I cannot complete my courses and bring my GPA up enough, I'll lose everything, and be forced to pay over 30,000 to continue to go here. Not worth it. And it's my fault.
It's my fault I rested too much on the faith I give people and let them hurt me in the ways that they did, instead of focusing on what I needed to do and what was important to me. The downward spiral began last October, and has had a snowball effect into the present. I sacrificed so much and LET people damn near destroy me, and depress the hell INTO me.
You put off tragedy for another day,
Well my friend, today's that day...
I hit the ground with outstretched hands
And now I know you're not my friends
-NT
I know this song has been sung before, but I have become so determined to try and make up for all I have failed. I'll never be able to, but damnit I'm going to try. I am going to write music again, lyrics and note, and I'm going to dust off my keyboard and I'm going to put my heart into it. I'm going to be more dedicated to my workouts, and continue into the off season, because I am going to break the women's pole vault record here at Redlands before I leave. I am going to try and be better at my job, because the people who live in my hall deserve more than just a half-ass, and for those who read this, I'm sorry that's all I've been so far. Same things goes to my other friends, and my family. I'm so sorry I haven't been there as I should.
'The moment I let go was the moment I got more than I could handle', and I wish I was done with being done. I would say I am, but I know myself better than that. I'm a work in progress. As we all are, I suppose.
Things may suck now - I'm broke, my poor car needs more work, unforgettable stress, fucking arrogant people.. etc, etc., but there is a lot I am thankful for. My friends, old, new and potential, and family, of course- my mom and dad, though they may have their horribly obvious differences, still find a way to love me and give me every chance I may not deserve,,, and my brother Tyler, who is my hero(though I don't believe in heroes per se-- only ones personal to someone, not public to a community, because those heroes, ones who are seen as to be belived in and not believed in to be seen, are attention thirsty and hardly selfless) for giving me strength through his individuality. Finding my way to East Hall, definitely, a blessing in to what most see as a disguise. I am thankful for being able to smile when a resident notices a new necklace, not neccessarily because I care of such material things, but for the seemingly minor act itself, and the sincere ability to notice such details, whatever they may be. I am thankful that my mainframe chose mercy after I spilled water across it, and that I have friends like Mat whose sleeping patterns pollute into the early hours of the day and are able to calm me down after doing such a stupid act during them. I'm thankful for my ability and love to write, though I appologze you may not see it here.
Looking at everything I listed that I remember, I have to wonder if that is only who I was, and now it's too late to go back and I'm already set on a path to who I will be. I suppose that I'll never be able to grow back, but at least I claim that I learned a hell of a lot and pushed aside a lot of ignorance, especially with respect to relationships- which I don't even know how I could put my feelings into words about in total, and this I guess isn't meant for that now, but what I will say it this. I feel like I'm screaming inside and nobody can hear me. My heart is jumping and it doesn't know where to land, because where it used to is now where it enevitably gets hurt. It's like I'm in a perpetual game of chutes and ladders, where I finally climb to 99, and then hit a chute and return to 2.
Perhaps there is nothing too profound that was said here, but for now, that's what I have.