stepping
don't do much writing on here anymore, so updating this may even seem kind of random, but having a lot on my mind has convinced me i might as well:) no matter the poor grammar! bwahaha
sometimes i dont update this anymore because for some silly reason i worry that i'll leave something out, or something will get across how i don't want it to be, or for whatever reason i grade what i have to say before i say it. i'm finding i do this in a lot of areas of ym life. not that i consider myself someone too concerned of what other's think of them, i'd rather be myself and go from there, but i'm afraid sometimes i dont do a good job putting ymself out there so people can actually see me. this actually leads kind of well into what's been on ym mind a lot lately...
so, as most know, this past year has been....indescribable, on so many levels. i lived(and am living through) one of the worst things i could ever see happening to anyone-almost losing someone very close and extremely dear to me. i'm still learning things they never told me in the beginning about how close i was to losing my brother, and even though he's do AMAZING today, it's still hard to experience because he's still suffering. most of the suffering isn't fighting for his life anymore, but for A life. a lot of his "friends" have fallen away, and people leave comments on his myspace or text message him saying they miss him so much and they need their 'tyler fix' and whatnot, yet nobody ever calls or nothers to come over. it's really heartbreaking, especially when it involves certain girls. his heart breaking tears mine apart, and i wish there was something i could do for him. i've never experienced this much pain, but i would take on more if it meant less for him.
the rest seems trivial compared to what i just wrote, but it's connected and going on nontheless. after tyler's accident, as many know, my life spiriled very negetively, for many different reasons. my computer was stolen in the ICU, so most my work went with it...3 years worth, including work for incompletes i had going on and been working with from semesters before where some really bad things happened, which i wont bother getting into, but in any case, i lost all that work, and so i was left behind not only in catching up, but staying on top of my senior year and all that work. consequently, the stress consumed me in such a way that i eventually fell away from a lot of things. i lost contact and respect with a lot of people, including professors, admins, student life and friends. and its all ym fault. im realizing that even if i couldn't control circumstances on why i fell off the face of the earth for the last year, i needed to let people know what was going on, because a lot of people that are dear to me are left thinking that i'm someone who i never meant to be. instead of confiding in all those people, and being honest to them about what i was going through, i chose to ignore it, thinking it would help with the stress. so, my job performance failed, respect from most teachers was lost, admins got frsuatrated, and friends got dissapointed and confused. i lost contact with almost everybody i had been building relationships with for the past three years.
i've come to a conclusion this summer about what went on and why i failed. when i was weak, I DIDN'T ASK FOR HELP. i didn't let anybody know how hard it was for me to be going through what i was going through. i felt i should be strong enough to deal with anything, but i know now that strength can eb found within yourself, and other people can be amazing contributers to searching for that strength. and it's not a bad thing to reach out for a hand. or to admit your weaknesses. essentially, being honest is one of the most important things, to yourself as well as other people.
i feel horrible about the way i left redlands, for amny different reasons. i basically left on a lot of bad notes. i've been thinking a lot lately about what i can do about this, and i may know what it can be, but it's going to be a major move, and will be hard in itself, but ultimately i think this is the the 'obstacle at the end, the huge move i need to make so i can work on things i may have damaged. i don't really want to look back on this entry because im realizing its not really making much sense or giving much at all, it's mainly because i haven't talked about any of this much, and its getting hard to sleep at night and this seemed like a good way to start releasing things so i can have a better hold on them later. thanks for sticking with it for as long as any of you who may be reading this have, and if you haven't, i don't blame you;)(and it doesn't really matter because you wouldn't have just read that anyway so really, that was just plain pointless lol). and i know this is all kind of cryptic, but i'm still working on things in my head right now and i don't want to say much more before i now exactly what's going to go on as far as the next step. it's going to be big,though.
and i'm going to need some support. well, prolly a lot of it.
and it finally feels ok to say that.
thank you to everyone who's sticking around and not losing faith in me.
sometimes i dont update this anymore because for some silly reason i worry that i'll leave something out, or something will get across how i don't want it to be, or for whatever reason i grade what i have to say before i say it. i'm finding i do this in a lot of areas of ym life. not that i consider myself someone too concerned of what other's think of them, i'd rather be myself and go from there, but i'm afraid sometimes i dont do a good job putting ymself out there so people can actually see me. this actually leads kind of well into what's been on ym mind a lot lately...
so, as most know, this past year has been....indescribable, on so many levels. i lived(and am living through) one of the worst things i could ever see happening to anyone-almost losing someone very close and extremely dear to me. i'm still learning things they never told me in the beginning about how close i was to losing my brother, and even though he's do AMAZING today, it's still hard to experience because he's still suffering. most of the suffering isn't fighting for his life anymore, but for A life. a lot of his "friends" have fallen away, and people leave comments on his myspace or text message him saying they miss him so much and they need their 'tyler fix' and whatnot, yet nobody ever calls or nothers to come over. it's really heartbreaking, especially when it involves certain girls. his heart breaking tears mine apart, and i wish there was something i could do for him. i've never experienced this much pain, but i would take on more if it meant less for him.
the rest seems trivial compared to what i just wrote, but it's connected and going on nontheless. after tyler's accident, as many know, my life spiriled very negetively, for many different reasons. my computer was stolen in the ICU, so most my work went with it...3 years worth, including work for incompletes i had going on and been working with from semesters before where some really bad things happened, which i wont bother getting into, but in any case, i lost all that work, and so i was left behind not only in catching up, but staying on top of my senior year and all that work. consequently, the stress consumed me in such a way that i eventually fell away from a lot of things. i lost contact and respect with a lot of people, including professors, admins, student life and friends. and its all ym fault. im realizing that even if i couldn't control circumstances on why i fell off the face of the earth for the last year, i needed to let people know what was going on, because a lot of people that are dear to me are left thinking that i'm someone who i never meant to be. instead of confiding in all those people, and being honest to them about what i was going through, i chose to ignore it, thinking it would help with the stress. so, my job performance failed, respect from most teachers was lost, admins got frsuatrated, and friends got dissapointed and confused. i lost contact with almost everybody i had been building relationships with for the past three years.
i've come to a conclusion this summer about what went on and why i failed. when i was weak, I DIDN'T ASK FOR HELP. i didn't let anybody know how hard it was for me to be going through what i was going through. i felt i should be strong enough to deal with anything, but i know now that strength can eb found within yourself, and other people can be amazing contributers to searching for that strength. and it's not a bad thing to reach out for a hand. or to admit your weaknesses. essentially, being honest is one of the most important things, to yourself as well as other people.
i feel horrible about the way i left redlands, for amny different reasons. i basically left on a lot of bad notes. i've been thinking a lot lately about what i can do about this, and i may know what it can be, but it's going to be a major move, and will be hard in itself, but ultimately i think this is the the 'obstacle at the end, the huge move i need to make so i can work on things i may have damaged. i don't really want to look back on this entry because im realizing its not really making much sense or giving much at all, it's mainly because i haven't talked about any of this much, and its getting hard to sleep at night and this seemed like a good way to start releasing things so i can have a better hold on them later. thanks for sticking with it for as long as any of you who may be reading this have, and if you haven't, i don't blame you;)(and it doesn't really matter because you wouldn't have just read that anyway so really, that was just plain pointless lol). and i know this is all kind of cryptic, but i'm still working on things in my head right now and i don't want to say much more before i now exactly what's going to go on as far as the next step. it's going to be big,though.
and i'm going to need some support. well, prolly a lot of it.
and it finally feels ok to say that.
thank you to everyone who's sticking around and not losing faith in me.