[Jack Harkness] An Announcement
I haven't really posted here except in comments, and this is a hell of a way to introduce myself (not that I usually need much introduction -- it seems my reputation precedes me), but there's something I need to get off my chest.
I've been thinking a lot lately about where I am, and what I've been doing. In Torchwood, in my personal life... And I've made some pretty stupid mistakes. I admit that.
And a some point early this morning, things started coming together. This is all wrong.
I mean, okay, take sex. Sex is great. I love sex. But I'm starting to think maybe it's distracting me from something bigger, something more important. It all comes back to Freud in the end, Eros and Thanatos, sex and death. One doesn't have a hold on me, or so I thought. And it's funny, but the other's been losing its grip as well. They're more linked than you'd think, and I get enough little deaths just from field work that the recreational kind just... aren't doing anything anymore. And, speaking of the work-related deaths...
I've started seeing more than just the darkness when I die. Something... different. It makes me wonder, again, how much of what I was seeing is just what I was expecting to see. What other people were expecting to see. We think there has to be darkness, and that's what we come to, but there's something beyond it. I can just barely see it sometimes, the instant before I come back, a pinprick hole in the darkness, but it's so bright...
And it's trying to tell me something, I swear it. Telling me that everything I've been doing with Torchwood... I've been making a mess of things. A complete mess, and I don't know how to fix it. There are a few places to start, but I won't be there while the team takes their first steps. I can't be.
This is hard to put into words. But I need to go away for a while. I need to get this straight. And to find out what it is I've been hiding from in the sex, in the unwarranted aggressive actions of Torchwood... There's something there that I'm missing. Something that needs to change.
I'll be in seclusion for a while. Don't try and find me. This is just going to be a time for silence, reflection... Maybe even a little prayer. Stranger things have happened, right?
I've left instructions with Ianto for the restructuring and disarmament of Torchwood in my absence. Gwen's in charge.
I'm so, so sorry for everything that's happened to lead to this point. Everything I've done. But I can't be sorry for what I'm doing now. It's necessary, in ways I can't even begin to explain.
Take care, everyone.
I've been thinking a lot lately about where I am, and what I've been doing. In Torchwood, in my personal life... And I've made some pretty stupid mistakes. I admit that.
And a some point early this morning, things started coming together. This is all wrong.
I mean, okay, take sex. Sex is great. I love sex. But I'm starting to think maybe it's distracting me from something bigger, something more important. It all comes back to Freud in the end, Eros and Thanatos, sex and death. One doesn't have a hold on me, or so I thought. And it's funny, but the other's been losing its grip as well. They're more linked than you'd think, and I get enough little deaths just from field work that the recreational kind just... aren't doing anything anymore. And, speaking of the work-related deaths...
I've started seeing more than just the darkness when I die. Something... different. It makes me wonder, again, how much of what I was seeing is just what I was expecting to see. What other people were expecting to see. We think there has to be darkness, and that's what we come to, but there's something beyond it. I can just barely see it sometimes, the instant before I come back, a pinprick hole in the darkness, but it's so bright...
And it's trying to tell me something, I swear it. Telling me that everything I've been doing with Torchwood... I've been making a mess of things. A complete mess, and I don't know how to fix it. There are a few places to start, but I won't be there while the team takes their first steps. I can't be.
This is hard to put into words. But I need to go away for a while. I need to get this straight. And to find out what it is I've been hiding from in the sex, in the unwarranted aggressive actions of Torchwood... There's something there that I'm missing. Something that needs to change.
I'll be in seclusion for a while. Don't try and find me. This is just going to be a time for silence, reflection... Maybe even a little prayer. Stranger things have happened, right?
I've left instructions with Ianto for the restructuring and disarmament of Torchwood in my absence. Gwen's in charge.
I'm so, so sorry for everything that's happened to lead to this point. Everything I've done. But I can't be sorry for what I'm doing now. It's necessary, in ways I can't even begin to explain.
Take care, everyone.