Hum. Alias, eh?
Okay, so I just HAVE TO give my two cents about Alias last night, because OH LORD, that car-dealership fight scene? HA! It was like laser tag for Vaughn and Sydney. LASER TAG.
All right, let's start with the beginning. Well, actually, I don't even know what happened first because essentially this episode was so worthless that they could have had the shower sex scene in the opening credits and I would not have noticed. My biggest regret; I WATCHED THIS CRAP INSTEAD OF Simple Life: Interns, on Fox?! Paris and Nicole have more sexual chemistry than Vaughn and Sydney, who feel obligated to have "cold" awkward sex in the shower to make up for the fact that they've wasted approximately 5 years flirting with each other to no avail. OH MY GOD, they are boring. It's like watching a monkey try to mate with a cheetah. You just can't. Because the babies would be so unbelievably ugly that it would make the baby Jesus cry. I'm not saying that Vaughn and Sydney are ugly, I am just saying that their babies would be ugly out of my bitterness towards the series for not keeping Sark as a regular. At least he would have had the balls to point out how HORRIBLE OF AN ACTRESS Sydney is.
"Can you speak without the accent?"
"Yes, now that you mention it. It's not like I've had practice recently with speaking the english language or anything," and then she might as well have yelled out "PSYCHE!!!!!!" because it was just that obvious.
Oh, and don't even get me started on Liberty Village. GIVE ME A BREAK. Yes, I'm sure this is the only way to transform experienced Russian spies into Americans. You can't just watch some video tapes or take a class, you must live in deserted government barracks with lush green lawns and sidewalks and PORCH SWINGS (And the fact that Marshall could see the swings was hilarious). ALL YOU HAVE TO DO to be American is to love 'apple pie' and 'baseball', two things which are often interchanged with the words 'sex' and 'American Idol'. These Russian spies are about as slick as the poop stains in an anal-explosive kid's underpants. AND THE CAR DEALERSHIP SCENE. Santa Barbara? Yes, I admit, at that point I was about to have sexual relations with Vaughn's face on the television, but then the car dealer mentioned the other couple and it became as intense as, oh, a game of laser tag between a couple of 4 year olds. The other couple ran like limbless gorillas with no eyes. And of course, Sydney kills the woman with no regret whatsoever and then RUNS OVER the man in her newly stolen car. Uh, what happened to Sob-a-day-Syd who cried over things like the sunset and cold coffee? And then they cope with the situation by having sex in the shower. Uggh.
And I had no clue what Jack was doing off on his on. All I remember is Marshall finding a crossword puzzle or like a word search inscribed in the extra period. Irina, you are a clever one! No wonder Jack had to kill you, you were too much woman for him. And you could have been hiding entire transmissions on the moles of your face.
Then blah blah blah, Vaughn and Syd escape, Liberty Village is returned to normal, a helicopter smashes into a house and Sloane goes into a deep meditative state with his steepled fingers and pear-ish nose hidden behind his steel desk at the underground secret subway hideout.
And two weeks till the next episode? In two weeks there will be no one left to watch the show. WHERE IS SARK? I WANT SARK NOW! DAMN YOU, ALIAS. GIVE MEEE SSAARRRKKKK.
The opening credits should have been warning enough. WHY DID I NOT PAY ATTENTION TO THE CORNY 80S ALIAS THEME SONG REMIX? WHY?
All right, let's start with the beginning. Well, actually, I don't even know what happened first because essentially this episode was so worthless that they could have had the shower sex scene in the opening credits and I would not have noticed. My biggest regret; I WATCHED THIS CRAP INSTEAD OF Simple Life: Interns, on Fox?! Paris and Nicole have more sexual chemistry than Vaughn and Sydney, who feel obligated to have "cold" awkward sex in the shower to make up for the fact that they've wasted approximately 5 years flirting with each other to no avail. OH MY GOD, they are boring. It's like watching a monkey try to mate with a cheetah. You just can't. Because the babies would be so unbelievably ugly that it would make the baby Jesus cry. I'm not saying that Vaughn and Sydney are ugly, I am just saying that their babies would be ugly out of my bitterness towards the series for not keeping Sark as a regular. At least he would have had the balls to point out how HORRIBLE OF AN ACTRESS Sydney is.
"Can you speak without the accent?"
"Yes, now that you mention it. It's not like I've had practice recently with speaking the english language or anything," and then she might as well have yelled out "PSYCHE!!!!!!" because it was just that obvious.
Oh, and don't even get me started on Liberty Village. GIVE ME A BREAK. Yes, I'm sure this is the only way to transform experienced Russian spies into Americans. You can't just watch some video tapes or take a class, you must live in deserted government barracks with lush green lawns and sidewalks and PORCH SWINGS (And the fact that Marshall could see the swings was hilarious). ALL YOU HAVE TO DO to be American is to love 'apple pie' and 'baseball', two things which are often interchanged with the words 'sex' and 'American Idol'. These Russian spies are about as slick as the poop stains in an anal-explosive kid's underpants. AND THE CAR DEALERSHIP SCENE. Santa Barbara? Yes, I admit, at that point I was about to have sexual relations with Vaughn's face on the television, but then the car dealer mentioned the other couple and it became as intense as, oh, a game of laser tag between a couple of 4 year olds. The other couple ran like limbless gorillas with no eyes. And of course, Sydney kills the woman with no regret whatsoever and then RUNS OVER the man in her newly stolen car. Uh, what happened to Sob-a-day-Syd who cried over things like the sunset and cold coffee? And then they cope with the situation by having sex in the shower. Uggh.
And I had no clue what Jack was doing off on his on. All I remember is Marshall finding a crossword puzzle or like a word search inscribed in the extra period. Irina, you are a clever one! No wonder Jack had to kill you, you were too much woman for him. And you could have been hiding entire transmissions on the moles of your face.
Then blah blah blah, Vaughn and Syd escape, Liberty Village is returned to normal, a helicopter smashes into a house and Sloane goes into a deep meditative state with his steepled fingers and pear-ish nose hidden behind his steel desk at the underground secret subway hideout.
And two weeks till the next episode? In two weeks there will be no one left to watch the show. WHERE IS SARK? I WANT SARK NOW! DAMN YOU, ALIAS. GIVE MEEE SSAARRRKKKK.
The opening credits should have been warning enough. WHY DID I NOT PAY ATTENTION TO THE CORNY 80S ALIAS THEME SONG REMIX? WHY?