Hamsters!
Totally gacked from an email I received today which had me in hysterics. Thanks and apologies to whoever originated it! I changed it to fit Vig & Orli - seems to work much better that way!
Rating : PG-13 (I think)
Summary : Vig & Orli have to take Henry's hamster to the vet. Viggo’s POV.
Disclaimer: Totally made up. No profit, don't know them, etc...
Drabble: Hamsters
Just after dinner one night, Henry came up to tell me there was ‘something wrong’ with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on its back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "! come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," Orlando diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Orli!
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused Orlando.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" he inquired sarcastically.
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded him, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" Henry agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," he informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
"Henry, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", he shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" Orli wanted to know. (I really do think he was being snotty here, too, don't you?). “I’m not looking after them!”
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," Orli whispered, horrified. (He really does watch too many nature programmes on Discovery.)
"Do something, Dad!" Henry urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, gingerly giving it a tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" Henry wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with Henry holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," Orli informed him.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. Mortensen, Mr Bloom, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" Orli asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at both of us.
"Well, you know what I'm saying." We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just... just... Excited?" Orli offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel lover started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the man I loved would do this to me.
Tears were now running down his face.
"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." he gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and Henry back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," Orli agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks
Trip to the Vet ..30 bucks...
Mental picture of your macho lover whacking off a hamster......Priceless!
Rating : PG-13 (I think)
Summary : Vig & Orli have to take Henry's hamster to the vet. Viggo’s POV.
Disclaimer: Totally made up. No profit, don't know them, etc...
Drabble: Hamsters
Just after dinner one night, Henry came up to tell me there was ‘something wrong’ with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on its back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "! come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," Orlando diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Orli!
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused Orlando.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" he inquired sarcastically.
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded him, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" Henry agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," he informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
"Henry, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", he shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" Orli wanted to know. (I really do think he was being snotty here, too, don't you?). “I’m not looking after them!”
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," Orli whispered, horrified. (He really does watch too many nature programmes on Discovery.)
"Do something, Dad!" Henry urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, gingerly giving it a tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" Henry wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with Henry holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," Orli informed him.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. Mortensen, Mr Bloom, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" Orli asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at both of us.
"Well, you know what I'm saying." We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just... just... Excited?" Orli offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel lover started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the man I loved would do this to me.
Tears were now running down his face.
"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." he gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and Henry back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," Orli agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks
Trip to the Vet ..30 bucks...
Mental picture of your macho lover whacking off a hamster......Priceless!