Hit me like a truck.
I know this post is within 24 hours of my last one. I'm not trying to spam or anything, but I just needed to talk about something. I guess not even talk. I just need to say something. Only because I have no one to just up and bring up this topic of conversation with and I feel compelled to speak it.
I'll LJ-cut it so people who are not interested in the inner workings of my mind, or post that tells you a little too much about me, can just avoid the whole thing.
CAUTION: You cannot unread what you read. And I'm sorry if it makes me look like a freak. And it is a dream, not a fantasy.
I had a dream last night. A vivid, realer than life dream. Something that hasn't happened to me in weeks. I don't know why, probably just me being too tired to dream with any real enthusiasm. But this nights dream was incredible. Incredible in the tear on your hair kind of way. I'll give you a rundown of the event as I remember them and add in my reactions. It may seem extremely specific for a dream, but that's only because I'll be trying to interpret them for you.
I had to rewrite the post because half way through it I remembered how the dream started. It's not as important but it gives a "semblance" of logic to the dream as well as makes a point. It started with me as some sort of agent of the government. And I was on a task to hunt down a traitor of country and attempt to bring him to justice. But something about me was different in this dream that made me feel special. I was powerful, on way or another. And because of this people respected me. They liked me because I was different. And it was weird. In the dream I could stay powerful as long as I tried. It was an effort, but I could do it. But somehow I knew that if I let it go, people would stop liking me. If I didn't constantly try to make myself an individual I'd lose the respect of my peers. So I kept up whatever it was making me powerful. And the dream went on like that for while, but, while fun, isn't apart of the section I wanted to talk about.
Somewhere in the dream I was injured. And because of it, I lost my power. I couldn't fight anymore. So I was sent home in disgrace. Nobody liked me anymore. I was so embarrassed. Something very unusual about this dream was the emotional weight behind everything that happened. I felt as I should feel. I was completely swept up in it.
And I got sent home on a boat. Guess I was in another country or something. Dream logic. Anyways, I was incredibly surprised to find upon entering my cabin, Reid. Standing there with a smile and helped me into bed. And I was so incredibly elated to see her. More than anyone I could think of. My dreamed just turned from a lock-in near nightmare to something I swear probably put a smile on my face in the waking world. And I just can't describe how I felt right there. She and I were just laying there, holding each other. Talking. And the feeling of power and recognition just couldn't come close to comparing to it. I can't say I've ever been happier. She was still there. She was my friend even when I wasn't trying to be special. I felt completely at ease at this point in the dream.
We were talking about the ocean I think. I can't really remember. But I think she made some comment on how she wanted to live in a place like this forever that never got finished because suddenly we were kissing.
And that in itself is odd. Not because it's Reid, because... it's not an alien thought. Just that in my dreams, I never get to make intimate contact with anyone. It's a terrible terrible mental block I have. For some reason, in my dreams, I can see intimacy, watch it, but as soon as I try to reach out for some, something suddenly happens to block it. It's as if my mind it keeping me from having subconsciously for whatever reasoning a subconscious does anything. Like, there was this time I was crawling around in my grandmother's barn and I found a stack of porn. Innocently enough. (Although you'd never find porn at my grandma's>>) But as soon as I reached out for it, the ceiling collapsed around me, losing them forever. It's weird.
But for some reason, I could do this. And it felt right. I enjoyed this moment, real of not. And this was different than most kisses I've had. It wasn't forced. It wasn't obligatory. It wasn't experimental. I wanted it. And it was so natural. I felt at peace around her.
I don't remember clearly what happened next, but I believe we came under some kind of attack. We had to get into a raft, which I did, aided by Reid because of my wound, and escaped. But it took damage as we left the battle and we sank. We had to cling to flotsam, drifting in the sea. But I was having trouble staying afloat, with my wound. There was only enough room for one arm on the debris which left my other arm paddling. But it was the wounded side paddling and I couldn't stay above water. So Reid let go of hers so she could come swim under my flailing arm. She was being patient with my shortcomings. And being there for me when I needed someone the most, as she always is.
I can't really remember what happened after that, you know how dreams will fade after a while, but I remember finally reaching a floating... vehicle in the dream. (Alright. It was a facking tank. Don't ask my why my brain thinks a tank would float.) And we got on top of it to get out of the water. I think I was dieing. *shrug* And I was scared. Another thing that doesn't happen in my dreams. I sometimes feel pain, but I never actually get seriously hurt. Much less die.
Can't remember what happened after that, but later another ... Eh-hem, tank came by. A working one. But as you would guess, it's near impossible to drive a floating tank... >> Other people were on it and they shouted to Reid to jump on. But that would mean leaving me alone to die. So, instead, she decided to stay behind with me. And comfort me. I don't know if she'd actually do that, or if I'd let her do that even. But she did. I don't know if I actually died, because I woke up crying right after that.
It wasn't because I was dieing. It was because I woke up, and Reid wasn't there. She had been with me the entire time and it made me feel so amazing. And then suddenly she was gone, and I was left laying by myself, crying childishly at the sudden loss of companionship. I was alone. As I was every morning. As I am everyday. And with this horrid waking from this elated dream came a moment of pure clarity. I don't know why. But I finally gained insight into myself. (if that makes sense) I learned two things. First, I think I'm in love. Second, I'm extremely lonely. Almost debilitatingly so.
And I don't just mean in a sexual or a romantic manner. I'm just lonely. And desperate for even a sliver of companionship. See, I don't want to claim something here that makes me sound like I deserve it. So I just want anyone reading this to know that when I say this, it isn't a request for companionship. It's a request that you understand why I want it so bad.
As some of you may know my parents failed. That's just it, failed. I don't know if anyone of you can understand that. Not that it's your fault. But I've never had a parent that love me. I know they "Loved me like a parent" but they didn't actually. -_- If you understand that. Basically they treated my like dirt my whole life. To the point where I was broken down and made quite nearly, mindless. Ask people who knew me back then. I was pathetic. But some things happened, to which I won't go into detail right now that helped mend that, and I got a little better. But I never really had the love of my parents. And because of that, I attracted a lot of oppertunist friends who only wanted me around because I was easy to push around. It wasn't until around highschool that I began to find people I fit in with.
I don't know of anyone who felt that way. I mean, who out there, that you know doesn't have at least either the love of a family, friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, or all of the above?
I have never had any of that. Save from a grandma and a couple of friends I cling to desperately. So I hope you've begun to understand why I cling. Why I need the few people who are my friends. Why I get bitter when I think I get treated unfairly. Why it hurts me so much when I get taken out of the group. It's because it's all I have! How many of you have parents that packed up all of your stuff one day when you were out of the house, tossed it all in the garage, and told you when you got home you needed to go find another place to live, just because your 18 and it was time to get out?
And only one person in the world makes me feel completely at peace. And that person lives on the other side of the @#$%ing continent. She makes me feel like I belong. There's not invisible walls keeping me away, no gaps. Even a difference of opinion (That can be nearly fatal with my other friendships) doesn't even phase us. I'm not perfect, but she just smiles and rolls with it.
So please excuse me if this sounds like a pity party rant. But, I did warn you.
I'll LJ-cut it so people who are not interested in the inner workings of my mind, or post that tells you a little too much about me, can just avoid the whole thing.
CAUTION: You cannot unread what you read. And I'm sorry if it makes me look like a freak. And it is a dream, not a fantasy.
I had a dream last night. A vivid, realer than life dream. Something that hasn't happened to me in weeks. I don't know why, probably just me being too tired to dream with any real enthusiasm. But this nights dream was incredible. Incredible in the tear on your hair kind of way. I'll give you a rundown of the event as I remember them and add in my reactions. It may seem extremely specific for a dream, but that's only because I'll be trying to interpret them for you.
I had to rewrite the post because half way through it I remembered how the dream started. It's not as important but it gives a "semblance" of logic to the dream as well as makes a point. It started with me as some sort of agent of the government. And I was on a task to hunt down a traitor of country and attempt to bring him to justice. But something about me was different in this dream that made me feel special. I was powerful, on way or another. And because of this people respected me. They liked me because I was different. And it was weird. In the dream I could stay powerful as long as I tried. It was an effort, but I could do it. But somehow I knew that if I let it go, people would stop liking me. If I didn't constantly try to make myself an individual I'd lose the respect of my peers. So I kept up whatever it was making me powerful. And the dream went on like that for while, but, while fun, isn't apart of the section I wanted to talk about.
Somewhere in the dream I was injured. And because of it, I lost my power. I couldn't fight anymore. So I was sent home in disgrace. Nobody liked me anymore. I was so embarrassed. Something very unusual about this dream was the emotional weight behind everything that happened. I felt as I should feel. I was completely swept up in it.
And I got sent home on a boat. Guess I was in another country or something. Dream logic. Anyways, I was incredibly surprised to find upon entering my cabin, Reid. Standing there with a smile and helped me into bed. And I was so incredibly elated to see her. More than anyone I could think of. My dreamed just turned from a lock-in near nightmare to something I swear probably put a smile on my face in the waking world. And I just can't describe how I felt right there. She and I were just laying there, holding each other. Talking. And the feeling of power and recognition just couldn't come close to comparing to it. I can't say I've ever been happier. She was still there. She was my friend even when I wasn't trying to be special. I felt completely at ease at this point in the dream.
We were talking about the ocean I think. I can't really remember. But I think she made some comment on how she wanted to live in a place like this forever that never got finished because suddenly we were kissing.
And that in itself is odd. Not because it's Reid, because... it's not an alien thought. Just that in my dreams, I never get to make intimate contact with anyone. It's a terrible terrible mental block I have. For some reason, in my dreams, I can see intimacy, watch it, but as soon as I try to reach out for some, something suddenly happens to block it. It's as if my mind it keeping me from having subconsciously for whatever reasoning a subconscious does anything. Like, there was this time I was crawling around in my grandmother's barn and I found a stack of porn. Innocently enough. (Although you'd never find porn at my grandma's>>) But as soon as I reached out for it, the ceiling collapsed around me, losing them forever. It's weird.
But for some reason, I could do this. And it felt right. I enjoyed this moment, real of not. And this was different than most kisses I've had. It wasn't forced. It wasn't obligatory. It wasn't experimental. I wanted it. And it was so natural. I felt at peace around her.
I don't remember clearly what happened next, but I believe we came under some kind of attack. We had to get into a raft, which I did, aided by Reid because of my wound, and escaped. But it took damage as we left the battle and we sank. We had to cling to flotsam, drifting in the sea. But I was having trouble staying afloat, with my wound. There was only enough room for one arm on the debris which left my other arm paddling. But it was the wounded side paddling and I couldn't stay above water. So Reid let go of hers so she could come swim under my flailing arm. She was being patient with my shortcomings. And being there for me when I needed someone the most, as she always is.
I can't really remember what happened after that, you know how dreams will fade after a while, but I remember finally reaching a floating... vehicle in the dream. (Alright. It was a facking tank. Don't ask my why my brain thinks a tank would float.) And we got on top of it to get out of the water. I think I was dieing. *shrug* And I was scared. Another thing that doesn't happen in my dreams. I sometimes feel pain, but I never actually get seriously hurt. Much less die.
Can't remember what happened after that, but later another ... Eh-hem, tank came by. A working one. But as you would guess, it's near impossible to drive a floating tank... >> Other people were on it and they shouted to Reid to jump on. But that would mean leaving me alone to die. So, instead, she decided to stay behind with me. And comfort me. I don't know if she'd actually do that, or if I'd let her do that even. But she did. I don't know if I actually died, because I woke up crying right after that.
It wasn't because I was dieing. It was because I woke up, and Reid wasn't there. She had been with me the entire time and it made me feel so amazing. And then suddenly she was gone, and I was left laying by myself, crying childishly at the sudden loss of companionship. I was alone. As I was every morning. As I am everyday. And with this horrid waking from this elated dream came a moment of pure clarity. I don't know why. But I finally gained insight into myself. (if that makes sense) I learned two things. First, I think I'm in love. Second, I'm extremely lonely. Almost debilitatingly so.
And I don't just mean in a sexual or a romantic manner. I'm just lonely. And desperate for even a sliver of companionship. See, I don't want to claim something here that makes me sound like I deserve it. So I just want anyone reading this to know that when I say this, it isn't a request for companionship. It's a request that you understand why I want it so bad.
As some of you may know my parents failed. That's just it, failed. I don't know if anyone of you can understand that. Not that it's your fault. But I've never had a parent that love me. I know they "Loved me like a parent" but they didn't actually. -_- If you understand that. Basically they treated my like dirt my whole life. To the point where I was broken down and made quite nearly, mindless. Ask people who knew me back then. I was pathetic. But some things happened, to which I won't go into detail right now that helped mend that, and I got a little better. But I never really had the love of my parents. And because of that, I attracted a lot of oppertunist friends who only wanted me around because I was easy to push around. It wasn't until around highschool that I began to find people I fit in with.
I don't know of anyone who felt that way. I mean, who out there, that you know doesn't have at least either the love of a family, friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, or all of the above?
I have never had any of that. Save from a grandma and a couple of friends I cling to desperately. So I hope you've begun to understand why I cling. Why I need the few people who are my friends. Why I get bitter when I think I get treated unfairly. Why it hurts me so much when I get taken out of the group. It's because it's all I have! How many of you have parents that packed up all of your stuff one day when you were out of the house, tossed it all in the garage, and told you when you got home you needed to go find another place to live, just because your 18 and it was time to get out?
And only one person in the world makes me feel completely at peace. And that person lives on the other side of the @#$%ing continent. She makes me feel like I belong. There's not invisible walls keeping me away, no gaps. Even a difference of opinion (That can be nearly fatal with my other friendships) doesn't even phase us. I'm not perfect, but she just smiles and rolls with it.
So please excuse me if this sounds like a pity party rant. But, I did warn you.