(no subject)

[and_then_i_nod]

i think it started when the cool breeze emerged.  when i could see my own breath and feel my ears brighten, the way they always do when my emotions have no outlet.  i was too tired to care about work anymore, the one thing that helps me to move.  to feel a purpose.  and as i walked home in the dark, feet shuffling against the concrete, i could smell the fire place's first crackle of the year.  some family inside, lighting the fire to the home i'd envisioned.  to my loses.  i can't enter a store without looking around at everything that we both would have wanted and remembering that i'm only voting for one.  i can't count the times that i've had to leave because i couldn't breathe and i was crying.  you'd think i would've made some progress by now.

i'm reading a book right now and the main character's pain has been destroying him for years.  it hurts to relate to him so much.  to finally feel like i'm connected and have a voice.  i don't want to end up like him.  i just want "this" to go away.

i'm so mad at you today.  these past few days.  you say you have nothing but respect for me, and i don't know why you continue to hurt me the way you do.  maybe you don't realize  you do.  maybe you have full knowledge.  i'm not even sure.  i just figured you would have at least called.  why couldn't you have at least called?  icing on the cake, eh?  sometimes, i wish i could hate you.  it'd be so much easier.

the year of extremes comes to an end.  here's a toast to a trip for one.