So it's December...
I really wish I could get a hold of this journaling thing. I feel that it would be a great outlet for me, especially on nights like tonite. I just feel so confused about everything, and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm exhausted and I can't sleep, so my mind keeps taking me back to all of the things that I have done in the past that I feel guilty about. And then, I feel so guilty thinking about these things, that I really can't sleep. I've been in bed for over two hours tossing and turning. Maybe I'm going stir-crazy because I have been in my apartment by myself since Wednesday evening (with the exception of the walk that I attempted to go on despite the 2 feet of snow that has frozen into ice).
Maybe I'm just lonely in general. It's been four months here at law school. I feel a little smarter, but my confidence in myself has been totally shot. This was my chance to recreate myself....be someone that I wanted to be instead of being what I am. Nobody here knew me and I had that chance. Now it's gone...I have reverted back to myself and it has cost me dearly. I am very alone. It probably wouldn't be so bad if it had been that way all the time. But I started to make some friends. People who assured me that we were friends and that we would continue to be friends. But these people hardly speak to me anymore. They talk to me until someone else comes along (one person in particular). I could be in the middle of a conversation, and when this person shows up, she just butts right in and starts chattering away and everyone listens to her and I am left mid sentence, completely shut out as if I had just put on an invisibility cloak or something. Unless I am the only person around to entertain them, I am dead to the world.
I have four exams coming up in five days, thanks to the mountain of snow outside, and I can't sleep because I'm starting to believe that there are no decent people left...at least not in law school. It almost makes me hope that I don't get married soon because it would be a bittersweet day for me. I would hardly have anyone to invite. And even if I invited people, I don't know who would come. I wonder if my funeral would be the same way.
But like everyone tells me, I have no REAL reason to be upset with my life. I have a boyfriend who loves me and will probably marry me, I have a great family, and I have a couple good friends, so what the hell is my problem? Well, for those of you that think that about me, consider the fact that no one important to me is within an hour radius of where I am. The phone, the internet - it's just not the same as having someone sitting beside you, maybe watching a movie with you, laughing together and sharing a snack or playing a game...nobody does that anymore. It's all about drinking (and gambling apparently)and any other type of fun is just childish. Since when is it childish to stay in and watch a movie? What's wrong with liking to watch Deal or No Deal? What's wrong with making up a hilarious song about Aragorn or Legolas (Court, people here would definitely have turned their noses down to pretty much everything we did!)? I'm only 22...do I have to be completely mature with a pickle shoved up my butt already? Is it not possible for me to be professional when I want to be, but still make sexual innuendos when I'm having a chat with another person my age in friendly circumstances?
I just wish I didn't have to be so cynical all the time. So I try not to be, and I give people the benefit of the doubt, and then I get stabbed in the back or treated like dirt or ignored completely. I hate the person I am because it's not who I want to be. But being me just isn't good enough any more. Talk about an identity crisis.
Maybe I'm just lonely in general. It's been four months here at law school. I feel a little smarter, but my confidence in myself has been totally shot. This was my chance to recreate myself....be someone that I wanted to be instead of being what I am. Nobody here knew me and I had that chance. Now it's gone...I have reverted back to myself and it has cost me dearly. I am very alone. It probably wouldn't be so bad if it had been that way all the time. But I started to make some friends. People who assured me that we were friends and that we would continue to be friends. But these people hardly speak to me anymore. They talk to me until someone else comes along (one person in particular). I could be in the middle of a conversation, and when this person shows up, she just butts right in and starts chattering away and everyone listens to her and I am left mid sentence, completely shut out as if I had just put on an invisibility cloak or something. Unless I am the only person around to entertain them, I am dead to the world.
I have four exams coming up in five days, thanks to the mountain of snow outside, and I can't sleep because I'm starting to believe that there are no decent people left...at least not in law school. It almost makes me hope that I don't get married soon because it would be a bittersweet day for me. I would hardly have anyone to invite. And even if I invited people, I don't know who would come. I wonder if my funeral would be the same way.
But like everyone tells me, I have no REAL reason to be upset with my life. I have a boyfriend who loves me and will probably marry me, I have a great family, and I have a couple good friends, so what the hell is my problem? Well, for those of you that think that about me, consider the fact that no one important to me is within an hour radius of where I am. The phone, the internet - it's just not the same as having someone sitting beside you, maybe watching a movie with you, laughing together and sharing a snack or playing a game...nobody does that anymore. It's all about drinking (and gambling apparently)and any other type of fun is just childish. Since when is it childish to stay in and watch a movie? What's wrong with liking to watch Deal or No Deal? What's wrong with making up a hilarious song about Aragorn or Legolas (Court, people here would definitely have turned their noses down to pretty much everything we did!)? I'm only 22...do I have to be completely mature with a pickle shoved up my butt already? Is it not possible for me to be professional when I want to be, but still make sexual innuendos when I'm having a chat with another person my age in friendly circumstances?
I just wish I didn't have to be so cynical all the time. So I try not to be, and I give people the benefit of the doubt, and then I get stabbed in the back or treated like dirt or ignored completely. I hate the person I am because it's not who I want to be. But being me just isn't good enough any more. Talk about an identity crisis.