Reflections
The following has been taken from my blog on My Space....if you have read it there, you have read it here!
Four years. That's just under a fifth of my life so far. That's a substantial amount of time. So, I suppose at every crossroads such as this, it is only natural that one turns inward and reflects on what has truly happened since the last major change. For me, this is a sobering time when it should be exciting. I mourn when I should rejoice. As I look back, I find it hard to look past what has been, and I focus only on what should have been. University is supposed to be the time of your life. I guess it depends on what you mean by that phrase. Everyone that is at a point like this in their lives can't help but be moved by the song "Good Riddance", but I feel that I am moved by it for different reasons. People usually cry because the song reminds them of all the good times that they had that they don't want to leave behind. I, on the other hand, get upset because I can't share that sentiment, and the majority of my experiences I want to leave behind. I haven't been so good at keeping in touch with my friends from high school, but you can tell from MSN names and periodic visits that people have moved on and are happy where they are. I can't say that I share their sentiments. They look at their university lives and see great memories and good times. My reflections show mostly tears, hard times, "character-building" experiences, where every day was an attempt to find the strength to move on to the next. There were small glimpses of sunshine amidst the clouds...this year especially thanks to James, my boys that have become like brothers, and the small expansion of the circle of people I am proud to call friends. And yet, as I experience all the 'lasts' of my time here at Laurier, I feel weighted by what I really wish I could leave behind.
But I know that I will never be able to do that. The problem with rough times is that you emerge from them a different person than when you went in. You will carry the scars with you for the rest of your life, just like physical ones. Thus, in my reflections of Laurier, I will always wonder what type of person I would be if things hadn't played out the way they did. What would life be like if my first-year roommate had become like my sister instead of an enemy? What would it be like if I had made friends that were like family my entire university career, where we couldn't function without each other? What would life at Laurier have been if first year hadn't turned me into the exact opposite of what I believe I am: a quieter introverted person who is afraid of people and their judgements? I am not that person, yet I have rarely been comfortable enough to be the person I think I am: energetic, outgoing, and fun. There is no doubt in my mind that life would be different, yet there is no changing it. This is why, at my crossroads now, I mourn when I should rejoice. One would think that I would be relieved to be moving on to a new place with new people and new experiences, ready to truly become the person I think I am and not be afraid anymore. But the scars are still there, and I worry that the fears I have here and the experiences I have had have changed me for good, and that they will affect what I am willing to try in law school.
When I visited Western, I was so excited! Just ask James! I discovered I could go to Washington DC on exchange (which may not seem like a big deal to any of you, especially those of you in some way foreign European country as we speak!), and I was so excited because I love that city, despite the current American presidency, and I love it for its history, its architecture, and its symbolism (whether you agree with what it symbolizes or not, you can't argue how powerful the symbols are!), plus everything tourist-like is free! The current "me" would not do that. Then I moved on and talked to the student at the booth on the Pro Bono opportunities. For those of you that don't know, pro bono work is doing legal research for non-profit organizations that have legal questions...it doesn't really involve any courtroom representation. Talking to those students made me really psyched to do that in my spare time too! And then, the pinnacle....I talked to the incoming president of the Student Legal Society, the law school's branch of the Student Union. I quickly developed a passion to run in September for one of the first year representative spots. All of these things are so unlike "me", but the excitement and the passion is there! The only thing that I can see holding me back is the fear that I have developed here at Laurier. Those of you that don't understand it's power will undoubtedly tell me that it's my own choice to have my fear dictate how I behave and what I do, but I would argue that that just shows your ignorance of what it feels like to live in fear. I feel that to overcome the fear, I will need to let go of Laurier and many of the experiences I have had here. Easier said than done when those experiences have occured during the stage of your life where they tell you you become the person you are going to be. I can do it, and I want to do it, but it will take time. And I only have one summer to undo four years. Four years. Just under a fifth of my life so far.
"Good Riddance" By Green Day
Another turning point
A fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist
Directs you where to go
So make the best of this test
And don't ask why
It's not a question
But a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life
So take the photographs
And still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf of
Good health and good time
Tottoos of memories
And dead skin on trial
For what it's worth
It was worth all the while
It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life
It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life
Four years. That's just under a fifth of my life so far. That's a substantial amount of time. So, I suppose at every crossroads such as this, it is only natural that one turns inward and reflects on what has truly happened since the last major change. For me, this is a sobering time when it should be exciting. I mourn when I should rejoice. As I look back, I find it hard to look past what has been, and I focus only on what should have been. University is supposed to be the time of your life. I guess it depends on what you mean by that phrase. Everyone that is at a point like this in their lives can't help but be moved by the song "Good Riddance", but I feel that I am moved by it for different reasons. People usually cry because the song reminds them of all the good times that they had that they don't want to leave behind. I, on the other hand, get upset because I can't share that sentiment, and the majority of my experiences I want to leave behind. I haven't been so good at keeping in touch with my friends from high school, but you can tell from MSN names and periodic visits that people have moved on and are happy where they are. I can't say that I share their sentiments. They look at their university lives and see great memories and good times. My reflections show mostly tears, hard times, "character-building" experiences, where every day was an attempt to find the strength to move on to the next. There were small glimpses of sunshine amidst the clouds...this year especially thanks to James, my boys that have become like brothers, and the small expansion of the circle of people I am proud to call friends. And yet, as I experience all the 'lasts' of my time here at Laurier, I feel weighted by what I really wish I could leave behind.
But I know that I will never be able to do that. The problem with rough times is that you emerge from them a different person than when you went in. You will carry the scars with you for the rest of your life, just like physical ones. Thus, in my reflections of Laurier, I will always wonder what type of person I would be if things hadn't played out the way they did. What would life be like if my first-year roommate had become like my sister instead of an enemy? What would it be like if I had made friends that were like family my entire university career, where we couldn't function without each other? What would life at Laurier have been if first year hadn't turned me into the exact opposite of what I believe I am: a quieter introverted person who is afraid of people and their judgements? I am not that person, yet I have rarely been comfortable enough to be the person I think I am: energetic, outgoing, and fun. There is no doubt in my mind that life would be different, yet there is no changing it. This is why, at my crossroads now, I mourn when I should rejoice. One would think that I would be relieved to be moving on to a new place with new people and new experiences, ready to truly become the person I think I am and not be afraid anymore. But the scars are still there, and I worry that the fears I have here and the experiences I have had have changed me for good, and that they will affect what I am willing to try in law school.
When I visited Western, I was so excited! Just ask James! I discovered I could go to Washington DC on exchange (which may not seem like a big deal to any of you, especially those of you in some way foreign European country as we speak!), and I was so excited because I love that city, despite the current American presidency, and I love it for its history, its architecture, and its symbolism (whether you agree with what it symbolizes or not, you can't argue how powerful the symbols are!), plus everything tourist-like is free! The current "me" would not do that. Then I moved on and talked to the student at the booth on the Pro Bono opportunities. For those of you that don't know, pro bono work is doing legal research for non-profit organizations that have legal questions...it doesn't really involve any courtroom representation. Talking to those students made me really psyched to do that in my spare time too! And then, the pinnacle....I talked to the incoming president of the Student Legal Society, the law school's branch of the Student Union. I quickly developed a passion to run in September for one of the first year representative spots. All of these things are so unlike "me", but the excitement and the passion is there! The only thing that I can see holding me back is the fear that I have developed here at Laurier. Those of you that don't understand it's power will undoubtedly tell me that it's my own choice to have my fear dictate how I behave and what I do, but I would argue that that just shows your ignorance of what it feels like to live in fear. I feel that to overcome the fear, I will need to let go of Laurier and many of the experiences I have had here. Easier said than done when those experiences have occured during the stage of your life where they tell you you become the person you are going to be. I can do it, and I want to do it, but it will take time. And I only have one summer to undo four years. Four years. Just under a fifth of my life so far.
"Good Riddance" By Green Day
Another turning point
A fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist
Directs you where to go
So make the best of this test
And don't ask why
It's not a question
But a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life
So take the photographs
And still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf of
Good health and good time
Tottoos of memories
And dead skin on trial
For what it's worth
It was worth all the while
It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life
It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life