I hate the world...
Okay...that's a bit of an exaggeration...mostly because usually when you make so bold a comment as that, you usually have a reason. I, however, seen to be lacking in the "reason" department. There is really no rhyme or reason to why I feel the way I do. I just hate life and hate the world currently. I have no reason to: my classes are great, I love Foot and Legal Resources and just being involved in general, my spiritual life is getting back on track, I have a boyfriend who really cares about me and my success, I have a job that...well...at least I get to work with good people. Why, oh why, would I feel so depressed? What is going on?? Why would I get angry at someone for telling me I should come dancing tonite? WHERE IS THE LOGIC IN THAT?? Perhaps there is none, and that is usually the first sign of being really truly bummed...there is no logic in it. At least, that's how it usually works for me...I am the most bummed when I usually have the least to be bummed about. There is no explanation for me tossing and turning all night in my sleep. There is no explanation for me leaving a group of close friends to sit and cry somewhere. I just feel like that's what I need to do. And I really don't like it! I will have enough stress in my life in the next week and a half as the LSAT approaches and schoolwork piles up that I don't need to be randomly depressed on top of that!
I may, however, have a theory. Perhaps I am mourning the loss of my childhood, the loss of fun in my life, the loss of the very essence of life itself. My life thus far has been building up to the next eight months as I go through the application process for school and either succeed or fail. This is a defining time for me, where my entire future is dependent on these few months. It is the beginning of the end...at the end of this year, I will be shoved into the routine life that is adulthood. I will either move into graduate school where life will be non-existent outside of books and laundry, sleeping and occasionally eating, or I will start a CAREER, which is clearly NOT a job. People use the two interchangably...but that is not correct. A career means you better love what you do or you are screwed till you are 70 because you are stuck there until you either die or your children are 30. I look at my life now, and I can justify being silly sometimes, and I look at all the friends I surprisingly have surrounding me, and I can still see elements of youthfulness in my life...that all gets chucked out the window as of May. I graduate, I try to find direction, and I set the course for my remaining days on this planet. I grow up, I becoming selfishly absorbed with my carrer and my personal life, possibly my own family, and suddenly, I can't justify having fun silly moments because it's not proper. I can't randomly go out because of the constraints that are suddenly put on my life. My group of friends suddenly shrinks into a few aquaintances that are just as absorbed in their own lives as I am that getting together with friends is almost unheard of. I have even felt the effects of the dull life that is adulthood. I have begun to feel somewhat maternal towards good friends of mine that are not making wise decisions. I sit at home and they call me to tell me what they've been doing (or not doing as the case may be) and I suddenly feel this responsibility for them...like I need to show them the error of their ways. What the heck?? In reality I would love to be doing what they are doing! But it is no longer justified in my head. I have become old at 21. And so I put my childhood to rest, start planning my funeral, and struggle through my mid-life crisis that is 19 years early.
I may, however, have a theory. Perhaps I am mourning the loss of my childhood, the loss of fun in my life, the loss of the very essence of life itself. My life thus far has been building up to the next eight months as I go through the application process for school and either succeed or fail. This is a defining time for me, where my entire future is dependent on these few months. It is the beginning of the end...at the end of this year, I will be shoved into the routine life that is adulthood. I will either move into graduate school where life will be non-existent outside of books and laundry, sleeping and occasionally eating, or I will start a CAREER, which is clearly NOT a job. People use the two interchangably...but that is not correct. A career means you better love what you do or you are screwed till you are 70 because you are stuck there until you either die or your children are 30. I look at my life now, and I can justify being silly sometimes, and I look at all the friends I surprisingly have surrounding me, and I can still see elements of youthfulness in my life...that all gets chucked out the window as of May. I graduate, I try to find direction, and I set the course for my remaining days on this planet. I grow up, I becoming selfishly absorbed with my carrer and my personal life, possibly my own family, and suddenly, I can't justify having fun silly moments because it's not proper. I can't randomly go out because of the constraints that are suddenly put on my life. My group of friends suddenly shrinks into a few aquaintances that are just as absorbed in their own lives as I am that getting together with friends is almost unheard of. I have even felt the effects of the dull life that is adulthood. I have begun to feel somewhat maternal towards good friends of mine that are not making wise decisions. I sit at home and they call me to tell me what they've been doing (or not doing as the case may be) and I suddenly feel this responsibility for them...like I need to show them the error of their ways. What the heck?? In reality I would love to be doing what they are doing! But it is no longer justified in my head. I have become old at 21. And so I put my childhood to rest, start planning my funeral, and struggle through my mid-life crisis that is 19 years early.