(no subject)
I do not know why I am so surprised.
I told her I did not want her to care; in essence, to leave me be. I just did not think she would actually do so.
It is ironic. Thirty some years ago, I would of glowed over her affections; hungered for them. Now I cannot stand for them, find myself so undeserving of them, so now it is I that is doing the pushing.
She is still married, anyway. He may not be in this world, but He is still her husband. I do not know why I even thought... I should of known I would not of been able to handle...
I am so sick and tired of being unhappy. This is His fault. He took away everything. The others say He is dead but I have nothing to show for that. Perhaps this is his punishment; I can never be happy, never love anyone nor love even myself. I cannot disturb what is His because I no longer have... feeling for it.
I want very much to be happy. I want others to help me be happy. But I cannot do a thing.
I never needed anyone before. I should not have to start now...