Fic: Five Times Sirius Thought Remus Might Actually Kill Him, Possibly With The Power of His Mind
Title: Five Times Sirius Thought Remus Might Actually Kill Him, Possibly With The Power of His Mind (a.k.a., A Series of Sirius Mistakes, No Pun Actually Intended, Although Come To Think of It Moony That Would Have Been Quite Funny-)
Rating: PG?
Pairings/Characters: Sirius and Remus, with mentions of most of the other characters you might expect.
Warnings/Spoilers: Er. Do not take Sirius as a model for your own behavior?
Summary: Sirius discovers, among other things, astrophysics and the Wrath of Remus.
Notes: bredalot says the five things meme is the best thing to happen to the fanfic since the Internet. I am inclined to agree. Also! I am suddenly ficcing at an almost alarming rate, and I do promise to reply to the comments on my other fic SOON-TIMES. Because I adore comments, and want to encourage them to the best of my internetly abilities.
Disclaimer: Don't own them! Don't even have anything witty to say re: lack of ownership!
i. that one time when-
That one time when he was actually, genuinely interested in the book about advanced theories of astrophysics Remus had checked out from the library (astrophysics? turned about to be about stars! about the mechanics of the insides of stars) but Remus had absolutely refused to believe him and instead was sure Sirius had only wanted to get boisenberry jam all over the bits about supernovas, when really that was a complete and utter accident, and anyway Moony, supernovas are basically giant explosions.
Remus had stared at him for a moment, his fingers still stuck to page 742 of Advanced Muggle Theories of Astrophysics, and then said, with a very small sigh, that yes, they were basically giant explosions, actually.
"Giant. Explosions." Sirius said again, and Remus offered up a smile and several efficient cleaning charms.
ii. or what about-?
Or what about the perfectly warm, sunny (well, perhaps a bit breezy, but only a little, bracing really, nothing wrong with a bit of fresh air, for Merlin's sakes Remus you spend too much time indoors) day when Sirius decided that Remus was Certain People and that impromptu swimming lessons were, in fact, one of the ideas that made him charmingly impulsive as opposed to, as Moony apparently saw it, rash and rather idiotic.
"Sirius," he spluttered, in a voice which was possibly strangled with rage of possibly strangled with quite a lot of lake water, "if I'd wanted a swim-"
"Oh pish tosh," Sirius said, "you didn't want a swim- you needed a swim."
"Did I?" Remus asked.
"Desperately," Sirius said.
"You've taken it upon yourself to give me a portable lake in my bookbag, is that it?" Remus asked, clambering out of the lake and looking torn between glaring at Sirius and looking despondently at his sodden bag.
"Cheer up!" Sirius said, and was luckily able to explain, at a very fast rate of speed (so as to finish his sentence before Remus unexpectedly revealed that he'd secretly been practicing some of the nastier hexes for just such an occasion as this, which the look in his eyes promised he was about to do) that he had actually done his research this time, not just about supernovas, and yes he did know several really useful drying charms, thank you for asking.
iii. it is just barely possible-
It is just barely possible that one or two of the aforementioned drying charms did not go entirely as planned, and there is an inconceivably tiny speck of a chance that among the more spectacular mishaps resulting thereof, Remus' hair turned purple.
(If, indeed the above did happen, the obvious conclusion would clearly be: Sirius suggested that Remus procure himself a nice, warm, stylish hat; Remus pushed Sirius into the lake.)
iv. there is an advantage to thinking more than five minutes ahead-
There is an advantage to thinking more than five minutes ahead- namely, that you can foresee things like Consequences and Really Awful Futures Containing Despair, Gnashing of Teeth, and General Misery, which is really what would have been likely to occur if Sirius had followed through on his plans to (temporarily! honestly, he'd never wanted to postpone Prongs indefinitely, because that would be just cruel, and he was sadistic perhaps, but not that sadistic, bloody Merlin in muggle pants-) delay Prongs' meeting with Lily in Hogsmeade.
"Are you telling me," Remus hissed incredulously, teeth clenched, "that you want to take even the most infinitesimal risk when it comes to ruining this date?"
"What, you're not that invested in Prongsy's love life are you Moony? 'Cause that's a bit sad," Sirius said, not noticing Remus' death glare largely because he was carefully putting the finishing touches on a Dung Bomb that might or might not also have been James Potter's Left Shoe.
"James," Remus said. "Moping."
This image- this threat really, and a dire one at that- was enough to make Sirius do some very hasty recalibration until the shoe was, in fact, James Potter's Left Shoe, a.k.a., The Artist Formerly Known As A Spectacularly Impressive Dung Bomb.
The date, James would later report somewhere from the vicinity of Cloud Nine, had gone spectacularly well, only his left shoe had smelt a little bit like lilacs, and did anyone know what that was about?
(Answer: absolutely not. No, definitely, no- lilacs? that's pretty ridiculous- not even my favorite flower, I'm much more partial to marigolds really, and-)
v. well.
There might possibly have been a time with- but the little snot was asking for it- great, honking (possibly literal- oh never mind, sorry, sorry, not funny) nose and- didn't mean for anyone to get hurt- thought the willow would take care of- look, no one was supposed to-
Anyway, they don't talk about that. So.
Rating: PG?
Pairings/Characters: Sirius and Remus, with mentions of most of the other characters you might expect.
Warnings/Spoilers: Er. Do not take Sirius as a model for your own behavior?
Summary: Sirius discovers, among other things, astrophysics and the Wrath of Remus.
Notes: bredalot says the five things meme is the best thing to happen to the fanfic since the Internet. I am inclined to agree. Also! I am suddenly ficcing at an almost alarming rate, and I do promise to reply to the comments on my other fic SOON-TIMES. Because I adore comments, and want to encourage them to the best of my internetly abilities.
Disclaimer: Don't own them! Don't even have anything witty to say re: lack of ownership!
i. that one time when-
That one time when he was actually, genuinely interested in the book about advanced theories of astrophysics Remus had checked out from the library (astrophysics? turned about to be about stars! about the mechanics of the insides of stars) but Remus had absolutely refused to believe him and instead was sure Sirius had only wanted to get boisenberry jam all over the bits about supernovas, when really that was a complete and utter accident, and anyway Moony, supernovas are basically giant explosions.
Remus had stared at him for a moment, his fingers still stuck to page 742 of Advanced Muggle Theories of Astrophysics, and then said, with a very small sigh, that yes, they were basically giant explosions, actually.
"Giant. Explosions." Sirius said again, and Remus offered up a smile and several efficient cleaning charms.
ii. or what about-?
Or what about the perfectly warm, sunny (well, perhaps a bit breezy, but only a little, bracing really, nothing wrong with a bit of fresh air, for Merlin's sakes Remus you spend too much time indoors) day when Sirius decided that Remus was Certain People and that impromptu swimming lessons were, in fact, one of the ideas that made him charmingly impulsive as opposed to, as Moony apparently saw it, rash and rather idiotic.
"Sirius," he spluttered, in a voice which was possibly strangled with rage of possibly strangled with quite a lot of lake water, "if I'd wanted a swim-"
"Oh pish tosh," Sirius said, "you didn't want a swim- you needed a swim."
"Did I?" Remus asked.
"Desperately," Sirius said.
"You've taken it upon yourself to give me a portable lake in my bookbag, is that it?" Remus asked, clambering out of the lake and looking torn between glaring at Sirius and looking despondently at his sodden bag.
"Cheer up!" Sirius said, and was luckily able to explain, at a very fast rate of speed (so as to finish his sentence before Remus unexpectedly revealed that he'd secretly been practicing some of the nastier hexes for just such an occasion as this, which the look in his eyes promised he was about to do) that he had actually done his research this time, not just about supernovas, and yes he did know several really useful drying charms, thank you for asking.
iii. it is just barely possible-
It is just barely possible that one or two of the aforementioned drying charms did not go entirely as planned, and there is an inconceivably tiny speck of a chance that among the more spectacular mishaps resulting thereof, Remus' hair turned purple.
(If, indeed the above did happen, the obvious conclusion would clearly be: Sirius suggested that Remus procure himself a nice, warm, stylish hat; Remus pushed Sirius into the lake.)
iv. there is an advantage to thinking more than five minutes ahead-
There is an advantage to thinking more than five minutes ahead- namely, that you can foresee things like Consequences and Really Awful Futures Containing Despair, Gnashing of Teeth, and General Misery, which is really what would have been likely to occur if Sirius had followed through on his plans to (temporarily! honestly, he'd never wanted to postpone Prongs indefinitely, because that would be just cruel, and he was sadistic perhaps, but not that sadistic, bloody Merlin in muggle pants-) delay Prongs' meeting with Lily in Hogsmeade.
"Are you telling me," Remus hissed incredulously, teeth clenched, "that you want to take even the most infinitesimal risk when it comes to ruining this date?"
"What, you're not that invested in Prongsy's love life are you Moony? 'Cause that's a bit sad," Sirius said, not noticing Remus' death glare largely because he was carefully putting the finishing touches on a Dung Bomb that might or might not also have been James Potter's Left Shoe.
"James," Remus said. "Moping."
This image- this threat really, and a dire one at that- was enough to make Sirius do some very hasty recalibration until the shoe was, in fact, James Potter's Left Shoe, a.k.a., The Artist Formerly Known As A Spectacularly Impressive Dung Bomb.
The date, James would later report somewhere from the vicinity of Cloud Nine, had gone spectacularly well, only his left shoe had smelt a little bit like lilacs, and did anyone know what that was about?
(Answer: absolutely not. No, definitely, no- lilacs? that's pretty ridiculous- not even my favorite flower, I'm much more partial to marigolds really, and-)
v. well.
There might possibly have been a time with- but the little snot was asking for it- great, honking (possibly literal- oh never mind, sorry, sorry, not funny) nose and- didn't mean for anyone to get hurt- thought the willow would take care of- look, no one was supposed to-
Anyway, they don't talk about that. So.