Fic: Operation: Stays In Vegas.
As long as tonight is about goofy Avengers things!
Title: Operation: Stays In Vegas
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Steve/Tony & various Avengers shenanigans.
Spoilers/Warnings: No real spoilers, and no warnings except that this is unremitting goofiness with no redeeming value whatsoever. Whee!
Summary: For the prompt, "Whole cast, fun time out. Inspired by this photoset on Tumblr, I want to know everything about this party. Who ended up with who? What happened to Bruce and who, precisely, lost him?" AKA, the Avengers wind up in Vegas on a mission. Their mission is to help with clean up; Tony's mission is to help with clean up and then get everybody hammered.
Notes: 'The Avengers' canon and anything you recognize from it does not belong to me. This is officially the first fic I've ever finished for Avengers fandom, and even though really it's more like a ficlet I still get a kick out of it. The very last bit of dialogue is adapted from the previously linked (and fabulous) gif set, and all of Bruce's trivia comes from the Mental Floss Amazing Fact Generator.
In the aftermath, the only thing anyone can agree on is that it was all Tony's fault. Even Tony agrees it was all his fault, although he's refusing to take the blame on the grounds that no blame should be involved; he's still writing periodic memos to Fury petitioning for some kind of medal. Or at least a plaque. A written commendation? He's not picky, really.
The point is that it had been his idea to jet off to Las Vegas for a weekend and somehow the rest of them had actually agreed. He'd done SHIELD the courtesy of couching the whole thing in heroic terms, and it was good publicity (not to mention just good, period) to do follow up visits post-weird goo invasion (it didn't seem fair to call it an alien invasion until they knew where the sentient jello had come from, although 'not of this Earth' really doesn't seem like a bad bet). And they really had spent the first day helping cleaning crews and clearing rubble. It was just that at the end of the first day Tony had insisted on a drink to celebrate a job well done, and a celebratory drink pretty quickly turned into a drinking contest between Tony and Natasha, which, when Tony realized he was doomed to lose, turned into a competition to see who could be the first to surpass super metabolism and turn either a super soldier or a Norse god, respectively, into a sloppy drunk mess. They're both absolutely certain they won, obviously, and Steve and Thor aren't actually much help in deciding since Steve hits 'drunk' like a ton of bricks (a goofy ton of bricks, Tony thinks with a certain amount of hazy fondness) and Thor hits everything like a ton of bricks and 'drunk' like a ton of bricks with a serious love of mead.
And, well, Clint wasn't stupid enough to try to match Natasha shot-for-shot but he was definitely stupid enough to try and match Tony, and there had definitely been a point at which he got drunk enough to vault over the bar and start mixing drinks (a skill he'd perfected during that three-week stint in Brazil waiting for Natasha to infiltrate the local ballet corps which, okay, story for another time), with special attention given to one he triumphantly titled 'The Other Guy.' No one's been able to recreate it since, mostly because no one can remember what was in it besides absinthe. Clint insisted that Bruce try the concoction he'd inspired, and then insisted that he try it four or five more times, and in the meantime Thor was poking Mjolnir at a keg with the deliberation of the truly drunk-when Clint tapped it it turned out to be full of something Tony loudly insisted must be ambru-ambro-o-anyway, that stuff gods drink, and the SHIELD mission report agrees that it probably was, although chemical testing on the remnants at the bottoms of glasses were inconclusive and mostly just concluded that it was enough to get anyone, mortal or otherwise, completely shit-faced.
After that things mostly have to be pieced together based on results. Luckily, it's Phil Coulson's job to piece things together, sometimes literally. So he makes a list:
OPERATION: STAYS IN VEGAS | INVENTORY
o1. One (1) marriage certificate, declaring its signatories bound in holy matrimony in the state of Nevada. Signatures sloppy but legible. Of note: Mr. Stark appears to have decided to write the 'o' in his name as a heart and then thought better of it; Captain Rogers' handwriting actually seems to improve with the consumption of alcohol.
o2. $20,000 in winnings from The Bellagio Hotel and Casino, deposited in the bank account of Agent Natasha Romanov. Of note: N/A. This is unsurprising.
o3. One (1) note, handwritten on the back of a receipt for a rubber duck and two funsize Mr. Goodbars. Ink is smeared. Note reads, in part, 'Dude, the shit you can do with a bow and arrow is unbelievable, call us any time.' Upon investigation, the phone was answered by management for the Cirque du Soleil. Agent Barton assures me he has no interest in rejoining the circus, no matter which circus it is.
o4. Twenty minutes and six seconds of security camera footage from a public fountain. Footage consists almost entirely of Dr. Bruce Banner sitting in aforementioned fountain in his shirt and boxer shorts discussing various trivia with passersby. Of note: woman with blue hair and nose ring brought him up short by pointing out the implications of inter-dimensional portals on string theory. Man wearing platform flip-flops and carrying a ukelele tried to write a song about Dr. Banner's alter ego. The former was much more successful than the latter (the latter's major error was trying to rhyme 'Hulk' with 'hunk;' clunky at best). Also of note: according to Dr. Banner, Charles Richter of Richter scale fame was a persistent nudist, and the 1919 Stanley Cup was cancelled because so many players came down with the flu. I would suggest amending SHIELD regulations to note that if any mission necessitates undercover work on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire or similar, Dr. Banner is a valuable lifeline.
The final thirty-seven seconds of footage consist of Thor Odinson arriving at the fountain. A transcription follows:
ODINSON: Ah, one of the heated tubs of which you mortals are so fond!
BANNER: S'not very warm, actually. Actually. Did you know that the longest-
ODINSON: For shame! All tubs should be hot! It is only fitting and proper that this should be so!
BANNER: -longest jellyfish on record was 160 feet long? That's-
ODINSON: At least I can provide you with the much-loved whirling pools!
BANNER: -half the length of a football field, which-oh, I'm not sure you should-
Reports on what happened next are mixed at best, and since the sheer volume of water hitting the security camera shorted it out, we may never have a conclusive version of events.
o5. A five minute and six second voicemail left on the cellphone of Dr. Bruce Banner. A transcription follows:
STARK: Hey, he-e-ey, Bruce, Bruce, listen, Bruce-
ROGERS [faintly]: This is a really good plan. I make really good plans. It's what I'm supposed to do! Good plans, I mean.
STARK: This is the best plan, totally the best, no one has ever regret-regretted getting married while they're drunk. Plastered. Smashed. Hammered. Ha! Has anybody seen Thor? Because hammered, am I right? I'm right, that is fucking genius, someone should write that down, is anyone writing this down? Someone should be writing this down. Hey, Steve-oh, never mind, that's-hey, Bruce, that's what I was calling about, I kind of need you to come over here-hold on, where's here?
ROGERS [faintly]: Excuse me madam-
STARK [faintly]: Did you just say madam? Bruce. Steve just said 'madam,' this is the best day ever, this is the best-
[Three minutes and twenty-eight seconds of static follow, during which there is the occasional sound of indistinct voices.]
STARK: Oh shit, wait, I never-oh hey, Bruce, sorry, listen, I had to buy some gardenias, it's kind of a long story, I don't actually-you know what, never mind, I'll explain the gardenias later, you're gonna love it, but they're not actually the point so. I kind of need you to be my best man! You're-
[Voicemail ends.]
o6. One (1) room service bill for four steaks, medium rare, seven glasses of orange juice, one slice of carrot cake, and 'like six of those soft pretzels, you know, like the ones you get at fairs and shit?' placed in the name of Clint Barton. Of note: a later addition to the order, though in the same handwriting, reads, "Room 107 called again. He says he's going to need 'maybe not four steaks, maybe, like, the whole cow. Or I guess maybe a couple of pigs? Tasha come on you don't even like-no, whoa, okay, okay! Jesus. Forget the pigs, we'll just take-Wait, are you a vegetarian? Like, because you turn green and shit?' Hung up before I could ask if he wanted his cow rare or well done."
o7. A twenty-two second voicemail from Tony Stark, left on Colonel Nick Fury's private phone line. We're still looking into how he got the number, sir. A transcription follows:
STARK: 'Please leave a message, after the beep'-seriously, you haven't recorded some terrifying promise to kick ass and take names if someone forgets to leave a callback number? Alright, well I just wanted to give you a heads up, being the standup kinda guy I am, so, uh, things got just a tad bit out of control last night, Steve and I got hitched, and, uh...we lost Banner. Alright, love you, miss you, don't wait up!
Title: Operation: Stays In Vegas
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Steve/Tony & various Avengers shenanigans.
Spoilers/Warnings: No real spoilers, and no warnings except that this is unremitting goofiness with no redeeming value whatsoever. Whee!
Summary: For the prompt, "Whole cast, fun time out. Inspired by this photoset on Tumblr, I want to know everything about this party. Who ended up with who? What happened to Bruce and who, precisely, lost him?" AKA, the Avengers wind up in Vegas on a mission. Their mission is to help with clean up; Tony's mission is to help with clean up and then get everybody hammered.
Notes: 'The Avengers' canon and anything you recognize from it does not belong to me. This is officially the first fic I've ever finished for Avengers fandom, and even though really it's more like a ficlet I still get a kick out of it. The very last bit of dialogue is adapted from the previously linked (and fabulous) gif set, and all of Bruce's trivia comes from the Mental Floss Amazing Fact Generator.
In the aftermath, the only thing anyone can agree on is that it was all Tony's fault. Even Tony agrees it was all his fault, although he's refusing to take the blame on the grounds that no blame should be involved; he's still writing periodic memos to Fury petitioning for some kind of medal. Or at least a plaque. A written commendation? He's not picky, really.
The point is that it had been his idea to jet off to Las Vegas for a weekend and somehow the rest of them had actually agreed. He'd done SHIELD the courtesy of couching the whole thing in heroic terms, and it was good publicity (not to mention just good, period) to do follow up visits post-weird goo invasion (it didn't seem fair to call it an alien invasion until they knew where the sentient jello had come from, although 'not of this Earth' really doesn't seem like a bad bet). And they really had spent the first day helping cleaning crews and clearing rubble. It was just that at the end of the first day Tony had insisted on a drink to celebrate a job well done, and a celebratory drink pretty quickly turned into a drinking contest between Tony and Natasha, which, when Tony realized he was doomed to lose, turned into a competition to see who could be the first to surpass super metabolism and turn either a super soldier or a Norse god, respectively, into a sloppy drunk mess. They're both absolutely certain they won, obviously, and Steve and Thor aren't actually much help in deciding since Steve hits 'drunk' like a ton of bricks (a goofy ton of bricks, Tony thinks with a certain amount of hazy fondness) and Thor hits everything like a ton of bricks and 'drunk' like a ton of bricks with a serious love of mead.
And, well, Clint wasn't stupid enough to try to match Natasha shot-for-shot but he was definitely stupid enough to try and match Tony, and there had definitely been a point at which he got drunk enough to vault over the bar and start mixing drinks (a skill he'd perfected during that three-week stint in Brazil waiting for Natasha to infiltrate the local ballet corps which, okay, story for another time), with special attention given to one he triumphantly titled 'The Other Guy.' No one's been able to recreate it since, mostly because no one can remember what was in it besides absinthe. Clint insisted that Bruce try the concoction he'd inspired, and then insisted that he try it four or five more times, and in the meantime Thor was poking Mjolnir at a keg with the deliberation of the truly drunk-when Clint tapped it it turned out to be full of something Tony loudly insisted must be ambru-ambro-o-anyway, that stuff gods drink, and the SHIELD mission report agrees that it probably was, although chemical testing on the remnants at the bottoms of glasses were inconclusive and mostly just concluded that it was enough to get anyone, mortal or otherwise, completely shit-faced.
After that things mostly have to be pieced together based on results. Luckily, it's Phil Coulson's job to piece things together, sometimes literally. So he makes a list:
OPERATION: STAYS IN VEGAS | INVENTORY
o1. One (1) marriage certificate, declaring its signatories bound in holy matrimony in the state of Nevada. Signatures sloppy but legible. Of note: Mr. Stark appears to have decided to write the 'o' in his name as a heart and then thought better of it; Captain Rogers' handwriting actually seems to improve with the consumption of alcohol.
o2. $20,000 in winnings from The Bellagio Hotel and Casino, deposited in the bank account of Agent Natasha Romanov. Of note: N/A. This is unsurprising.
o3. One (1) note, handwritten on the back of a receipt for a rubber duck and two funsize Mr. Goodbars. Ink is smeared. Note reads, in part, 'Dude, the shit you can do with a bow and arrow is unbelievable, call us any time.' Upon investigation, the phone was answered by management for the Cirque du Soleil. Agent Barton assures me he has no interest in rejoining the circus, no matter which circus it is.
o4. Twenty minutes and six seconds of security camera footage from a public fountain. Footage consists almost entirely of Dr. Bruce Banner sitting in aforementioned fountain in his shirt and boxer shorts discussing various trivia with passersby. Of note: woman with blue hair and nose ring brought him up short by pointing out the implications of inter-dimensional portals on string theory. Man wearing platform flip-flops and carrying a ukelele tried to write a song about Dr. Banner's alter ego. The former was much more successful than the latter (the latter's major error was trying to rhyme 'Hulk' with 'hunk;' clunky at best). Also of note: according to Dr. Banner, Charles Richter of Richter scale fame was a persistent nudist, and the 1919 Stanley Cup was cancelled because so many players came down with the flu. I would suggest amending SHIELD regulations to note that if any mission necessitates undercover work on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire or similar, Dr. Banner is a valuable lifeline.
The final thirty-seven seconds of footage consist of Thor Odinson arriving at the fountain. A transcription follows:
ODINSON: Ah, one of the heated tubs of which you mortals are so fond!
BANNER: S'not very warm, actually. Actually. Did you know that the longest-
ODINSON: For shame! All tubs should be hot! It is only fitting and proper that this should be so!
BANNER: -longest jellyfish on record was 160 feet long? That's-
ODINSON: At least I can provide you with the much-loved whirling pools!
BANNER: -half the length of a football field, which-oh, I'm not sure you should-
Reports on what happened next are mixed at best, and since the sheer volume of water hitting the security camera shorted it out, we may never have a conclusive version of events.
o5. A five minute and six second voicemail left on the cellphone of Dr. Bruce Banner. A transcription follows:
STARK: Hey, he-e-ey, Bruce, Bruce, listen, Bruce-
ROGERS [faintly]: This is a really good plan. I make really good plans. It's what I'm supposed to do! Good plans, I mean.
STARK: This is the best plan, totally the best, no one has ever regret-regretted getting married while they're drunk. Plastered. Smashed. Hammered. Ha! Has anybody seen Thor? Because hammered, am I right? I'm right, that is fucking genius, someone should write that down, is anyone writing this down? Someone should be writing this down. Hey, Steve-oh, never mind, that's-hey, Bruce, that's what I was calling about, I kind of need you to come over here-hold on, where's here?
ROGERS [faintly]: Excuse me madam-
STARK [faintly]: Did you just say madam? Bruce. Steve just said 'madam,' this is the best day ever, this is the best-
[Three minutes and twenty-eight seconds of static follow, during which there is the occasional sound of indistinct voices.]
STARK: Oh shit, wait, I never-oh hey, Bruce, sorry, listen, I had to buy some gardenias, it's kind of a long story, I don't actually-you know what, never mind, I'll explain the gardenias later, you're gonna love it, but they're not actually the point so. I kind of need you to be my best man! You're-
[Voicemail ends.]
o6. One (1) room service bill for four steaks, medium rare, seven glasses of orange juice, one slice of carrot cake, and 'like six of those soft pretzels, you know, like the ones you get at fairs and shit?' placed in the name of Clint Barton. Of note: a later addition to the order, though in the same handwriting, reads, "Room 107 called again. He says he's going to need 'maybe not four steaks, maybe, like, the whole cow. Or I guess maybe a couple of pigs? Tasha come on you don't even like-no, whoa, okay, okay! Jesus. Forget the pigs, we'll just take-Wait, are you a vegetarian? Like, because you turn green and shit?' Hung up before I could ask if he wanted his cow rare or well done."
o7. A twenty-two second voicemail from Tony Stark, left on Colonel Nick Fury's private phone line. We're still looking into how he got the number, sir. A transcription follows:
STARK: 'Please leave a message, after the beep'-seriously, you haven't recorded some terrifying promise to kick ass and take names if someone forgets to leave a callback number? Alright, well I just wanted to give you a heads up, being the standup kinda guy I am, so, uh, things got just a tad bit out of control last night, Steve and I got hitched, and, uh...we lost Banner. Alright, love you, miss you, don't wait up!