sleeping all day staying up all night
i told mary about a week ago that i want to start using my journal again. i sort of miss being able to look back over my entries to see what's gone on in my life and how i interpreted it in my writing. i did the myspace blog thing for awhile but that got a bit old. anyways... i've decided to write again.
unfortunately, my first urge to write is coming from the recent passing of our good friend tony. i hate cancer.
i've never really dealt with death too closely. my grandma died when i was in high school (did i mention how much i hate cancer?), but she was old and sick and as hard as it was i had the whole "well, she's old, that's what happens" mentality that helped me get through it ok. since then, i've paid my respects at alot of wakes for relatives of friends and my drivers ed teacher from high school, but it wasn't until the last couple of years that i started to experience the feeling of losing someone my age - to this day i can't quite grasp that concept.
a bunch of kids that i went to high school with have died - one was killed by a drunk driver, another was hit by a train. none of them were ever close friends of mine, so while i was sad, i wasn't directly affected by it minus that little tug on my heart that made me hurt because the person was so young. back in november, a co-worker of mine died suddenly from tylenol poisoning, i.e. liver failure. that was tough. she was my age, and had become a friend quickly - although we had only worked together for 3 months prior to her death. but we didn't KNOW each other. our only serious conversations involved talking about our boyfriends and complaining about our jobs. there was a friendship there, but not quite what i would call a connection.
now there's tony. i have officially lost a close friend. who was WAY too young to be battling cancer and dying. i guess i'm like a naive little kid who thinks death is just for old people. talk about a slap in the face. what's hard is trying to appreciate that he doesn't have to suffer anymore. i would rather he not have to suffer anymore because of some mass-miracle that suddenly cured all the cancer in the world. obviously, that didn't happen, so we're all stuck instead trying to accept that tony is in a better place now. that's tough.
i remember i used to call tony honeybuns and he was confused. but then i called someone else honeybuns and he was upset - that was HIS nickname. ha.
it's crazy how horrible situations bring people together. a crew of us spent the entire day at the hospital on monday, and no matter how upset we all were, we still managed to get in a few good laughs and having each other there for company was comforting. my friendship with mary jumped to a new level. we've always been there for each other no matter what, but i can't remember a time when we actually needed the other person like we did monday. it was a huge comfort for me to be there with her. i saw people cry that i've never seen emotional before. i hugged people i barely know and got hugs from people i didn't expect to see or talk to ever again. all in all, it was an incredible situation, and i'm grateful for the opportunity for us to all be together, even though i would have obviously much rather seen them all in a different situation.
i'm a little bit at a loss for words on everything as a whole. i'm not even quite sure it's hit me completely yet.
unfortunately, my first urge to write is coming from the recent passing of our good friend tony. i hate cancer.
i've never really dealt with death too closely. my grandma died when i was in high school (did i mention how much i hate cancer?), but she was old and sick and as hard as it was i had the whole "well, she's old, that's what happens" mentality that helped me get through it ok. since then, i've paid my respects at alot of wakes for relatives of friends and my drivers ed teacher from high school, but it wasn't until the last couple of years that i started to experience the feeling of losing someone my age - to this day i can't quite grasp that concept.
a bunch of kids that i went to high school with have died - one was killed by a drunk driver, another was hit by a train. none of them were ever close friends of mine, so while i was sad, i wasn't directly affected by it minus that little tug on my heart that made me hurt because the person was so young. back in november, a co-worker of mine died suddenly from tylenol poisoning, i.e. liver failure. that was tough. she was my age, and had become a friend quickly - although we had only worked together for 3 months prior to her death. but we didn't KNOW each other. our only serious conversations involved talking about our boyfriends and complaining about our jobs. there was a friendship there, but not quite what i would call a connection.
now there's tony. i have officially lost a close friend. who was WAY too young to be battling cancer and dying. i guess i'm like a naive little kid who thinks death is just for old people. talk about a slap in the face. what's hard is trying to appreciate that he doesn't have to suffer anymore. i would rather he not have to suffer anymore because of some mass-miracle that suddenly cured all the cancer in the world. obviously, that didn't happen, so we're all stuck instead trying to accept that tony is in a better place now. that's tough.
i remember i used to call tony honeybuns and he was confused. but then i called someone else honeybuns and he was upset - that was HIS nickname. ha.
it's crazy how horrible situations bring people together. a crew of us spent the entire day at the hospital on monday, and no matter how upset we all were, we still managed to get in a few good laughs and having each other there for company was comforting. my friendship with mary jumped to a new level. we've always been there for each other no matter what, but i can't remember a time when we actually needed the other person like we did monday. it was a huge comfort for me to be there with her. i saw people cry that i've never seen emotional before. i hugged people i barely know and got hugs from people i didn't expect to see or talk to ever again. all in all, it was an incredible situation, and i'm grateful for the opportunity for us to all be together, even though i would have obviously much rather seen them all in a different situation.
i'm a little bit at a loss for words on everything as a whole. i'm not even quite sure it's hit me completely yet.