Aug 09, 2008 20:46
Well it's been over 4 years since I started my LJ. So many things have happened. I'm still at the same job, which is funny, that is the only thing that is pretty much them same. That and the fact that I still want to be an actress with all my heart and lately I feel as though although other things in my life are going positively, there are things I need to do in my life to make other aspects of life more positive.
Number ONE: My career. That is always number ONE. What do I need to do to start acting right away?
I do NOT need to lose anymore weight. If I want to pursue my career NOW, then I need to just get updated headshots ASAP. I think I'm going to go through my friend Lisa's guy, if only I could find her business card. I may need to buy some new clothes, so I have different looks, I think I need one look that is more business, and one look that is more sexed up.
I also feel that I need to hone different skills in my field. I need to take some dance classes, basic movement, and beginner classes. Also vocal lessons. Formal training. I need to focus on acting like it is my JOB because IT IS! I need to get that mindset. I need to realize that whatever it takes is what I have to do. If I have to stop smoking weed, then I have to stop smoking weed. I feel however that the person that is telling me to stop has to have a compelling case against the rebel reefer. Because there is a whole counter argument against nay sayers. And I know many singers who smoked weed. Singing isn't even my main goal, but it is good to be well rounded.
I need to make sure that I am paying off mty bills on time. I also have to be able to save a little bit of money as well just in case of emergencies.
I need to stop playing games with people. I need to specifically go after what I want in love as well as career. I need to dig deep and decide what is important and what is not important when it comes to deciding what I want in a man. I definitely do not want someone that is playing games with me. I need to know how to nicely sever ties with John. I don't think I should really pursue anything because in the end, I don't think I'm going to be happy overall if I get him. And also because I'm not entirely sure he even wants to be my friend. I think he really is just having a fun time fucking with me. Or he's incredibly stubborn like his sign the Bull. I however am also stubborn, and I am tired of being the pursuer, but when I ignore him, he calls out to me, so I go to talk, and then I get hooked back in, and that is what I need to stop.
I feel like I'm slipping, I need to speak with a professional because I can feel the esteem going...I just feel as though I can't do anything, even though I've supposedly accomplished so much. What? A job as a supermarket department manager, and I bought a new car. Ok, so I'm like every other fucking joe schmo out there who just muddles thru life. I need to be where I want to be with who I want to be with. I know what and where I want to be, the who will come with it's the right time...that is why I don't want to continue anymore BS@work with John. And yet, I don't wanna be a bitch either. I just have to not say anything negative, yet keep my distance, I never know what to say, I'm always tongue tied and awkward. Because I try to think of something nice to say, or at least something that isn't snarky and sarcastic, and it never works in my favor.
I need to lay down in my bed, and die.