Just So Confused...
I think I got what I wanted, but even then it's not what I want. I think I'm doomed to be single because that is the only aspect of my life I feel I am able to control. It's like an anorexic, they feel out of control so they stop eating, it is something they can control...tried that, didn't work...but I mean, I seem to go out of my way to find things wrong w/ guys, I read into every little thing and turn it around negatively...but I can't seem to do that with this guy that I am now attracted to. I think he really might be attracted back, but he's got a cargo hold full of baggage I'm afraid...he said his drinking problem (which is a HUGE prob..I know :( ) is the least of his problems, and he also gave me some insight to his life by telling me something I think is pretty personal...we flirt all shift@work, so I figured I'll smoke him out, see what happens...so we drive around and talk, we get back to work, go inside, he pats me on the shoulder and says "see you later, good luck" (with being high@work) Later that night however he called me just to see how it was working afterwards...No guy EVER calls me, just cuz, especially not a cute guy! He seems to have esteem issues though, which is understandable, considering what I know...but even if all these things weren't an issue, I still don't think I'd be interested in this nice, funny, good looking man. He has a HORRIBLE drinking problem, and he's only 21!! He's actually thrown up blood, and can empty a 16 oz cup of beer in prob. less than 1/2 second, literally! That's the last time I race him in drinking...but then he also drives...I can't have a boyfriend who is like that, and I'm not even saying it's like that...but what if he is interested? He's gotta stop drinking...I don't think he falls under the category of those who can moderate their drinking...he drinks 20-30 drinks a night every night! I've told him I won't get into the car with him cuz he drinks so much, and I value my life...he goes to the gym alot, but what's the point of looking good on the outside if you're rotting your insides away...It might not even be such a turn off if I wasn't watching my father in a similar situation, although he doesn't drink quite as much, he is slowly smoking himself to death. I dont' wanna watch my father die, but that's eventually what is gonna happen, and I don't wanna get involved with a guy who seems to be headed in that direction at such a young age...he's got so much to live for...even if his past was extremely fucked up. I dont' know, I'm not even working w/ him today, he gets off when I go in, but I'm gonna call him on my way home to talk...I wish I could find my hands free device...I hate putting things away cuz then I never can find them...platinum card, hands free device, etc...Well, I gotta get ready for work, I just have to keep talking about this, cuz this is the first guy I can really say I might fall for, and I am really having a hard time keeping my hands off him, and keeping myself away from him...