monotony = death
I'm going to start posting here again so that I can keep track of how my mental state changes throughout the process of going into hospital. I'll be having Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation a total of 40 times over 8 weeks, detoxing and having 5 hours of therapy a day. I figure that my mental processes will most likely be dramatically altered, I may in fact come out of hospital a new and shiny rani. One can only hope.
I'm so sick of waiting, sitting here paralysed by fear of the world outside. I want to be healthy and happy but I'm relying entirely on going to hospital for that. So for the moment, all I can do is wait and cling on to reality with both hands so that I don't slide downwards. I can't afford to go downhill, another human depends on me.. another life is in my hands. I am doing this for Xavier, so he can have a stable, healthy parent and he can grow up feeling safe and loved.
In the meantime however, I go through life feeling very little positive emotions. I am numb, and the little spare time I do have is spent staring at a wall, because i can't enjoy anything anymore. All I do is worry, about bills, about failing as a parent, about the past and how much of a fuckup my life has been. About how much time I wasted, how much energy I wasted and how I wish that I could start again. No such luck.
I can't even plan for my future.. I won't be out of hospital in time for uni, and I don't know how I'm going to feel about my life, whether I'll be magically able to start working again, whether i'll want to just spend 6 months being a mum before going back to uni.. i just don't know. I'll see how I feel in February.
I'm so sick of waiting, sitting here paralysed by fear of the world outside. I want to be healthy and happy but I'm relying entirely on going to hospital for that. So for the moment, all I can do is wait and cling on to reality with both hands so that I don't slide downwards. I can't afford to go downhill, another human depends on me.. another life is in my hands. I am doing this for Xavier, so he can have a stable, healthy parent and he can grow up feeling safe and loved.
In the meantime however, I go through life feeling very little positive emotions. I am numb, and the little spare time I do have is spent staring at a wall, because i can't enjoy anything anymore. All I do is worry, about bills, about failing as a parent, about the past and how much of a fuckup my life has been. About how much time I wasted, how much energy I wasted and how I wish that I could start again. No such luck.
I can't even plan for my future.. I won't be out of hospital in time for uni, and I don't know how I'm going to feel about my life, whether I'll be magically able to start working again, whether i'll want to just spend 6 months being a mum before going back to uni.. i just don't know. I'll see how I feel in February.